Seen in the casino...

A Las Vegas T-shirt with the following slogan:

One Casino
Two Casino
Three Casino

POOR!

Glad to see that some tourists have a bit of sense, AND a sense of humor!

Seriously, I'm NOT a prostitute, I'm just a working girl!

I had my orientation for the World Series of Poker last night (Oh, and THANKS, President Obama, for making me LATE!).

Naturally the orientation was at the Rio, because that's where the tournament is being held. Afterwards, I was headed back to my car to drive over to the New York-New York (part-time job, remember?), and I was talking to Silver on my cell, giving her a rundown of events. I hopped on the elevator to the parking garage as a gentleman joined me.

I mentioned to Silver that I'd probably have to leave the house at six every evening I'm working there, because it takes almost half an hour just to get from the parking garage to the venue for the tournament, then I added the apparently suggestive phrase: "This should be quite lucrative!"

My fellow elevator rider held up his palm to me and said, quite loudly, "I don't want to know!"

I was shocked, and started blurting, "But, I'm a MASSAGE TH..." He interrupted with, "I REALLY don't want to know!"

As he exited the elevator, a floor before I needed to get off, I shouted after him, "NO, NO, I'm a MASSAGE THERAPIST for the World Series of Poker!" and shook my uniform shirt, which I'd had slung over my shoulder, at him. He turned around, and as the elevator doors were closing, asked, "Oh, do you have a business card?"

*blink blink*

Amended WORST TATTOO...

I must apologize to the lady with the "cat" tattoo. She has been toppled from the dubious throne of "worst tattoo ever" by a gentleman with his WIFE'S FACE tattooed on his calf. Not only that, but it was a horrible, horrible tattoo. I mean, I met his wife, because we were doing a side-by-side massage, and I collected her from the women's spa for my male colleague, Jarvis. So obviously I got a good look at her face.

Worst. Likeness. EVAR.

Plus, the tattoo was just of her head, floating like a pumpkin in space, with her name in a ribbon above. No neck, nothing. Awful. I still shudder to think about it.

And, as I believe I've mentioned before, putting your spouse's, lover's, partner's, significant other's name, initials, face, etc. anywhere on your body, permanently, is the kiss of death to the relationship.

Then you're stuck with a painful reminder of something best forgotten.

Memorial Day

Because they have said it much, much better than I ever could.

Go. Read. Take a moment to reflect.

Worst tattoo ever...

a "cat" in the small of a lady's back. But it wasn't a whole cat, just the cat's face. With no outline, even. Or ears. So basically just the eyes, nose, mouth and whiskers.
And if that weren't bad enough, the "feline" eyes had ROUND pupils. Ugh.

In other news...

of not exactly Earth-shattering importance, my hair has stopped falling out so I think I'll try to grow it long again. Carry on, Peeps.

In other, other news, I think I might have changed my mind about going to school in the Caribbean. Yes, it's sexy and all, but it's also ridiculously expensive and complicated, not to mention I'd be leaving Silver in the U.S. without a parent on the same continent. I dunno, Texas is looking more and more attractive.

Freaked my dogs out!

I have quite the eclectic (read: WEIRD) collection of music on my iPod. What I didn't realize is that I had Rutter's Magnificat on there. I used to be a member of the Las Vegas Master Singers, and we performed this work with the Las Vegas Philharmonic in December of...crap, was it '03? Time flies and all that.

ANYWAY.

I haven't performed or really even sung much since then, and certainly my dogs have never heard me sing much out loud. Maybe a bit of singing along to a song here or there while doing housework.

So as I was coming home from the gym today, the first movement from Rutter's Magnificat was playing, and I started singing along, full bore. Of course, in the car I only have one earbud in, but as I was walking to my apartment, I had both in and was singing all-out, not caring that I was scaring pigeons and the occasional landscaper. I sing first soprano, I might add.

As I entered the apartment, I was belting out "beatam" from around 4:05...



My dogs initially commenced their customary psycho happy dance, jumping all around and mobbing me, but as I continued singing until the end of the piece, at full volume, they stopped and sat in the middle of the living room floor, watching me attentively, and slightly apprehensively, probably wondering what the fuck I was going to do next: Will she explode? Who will give us treats then? NO MORE BACON?!? WE OBJECT!!!

I finished singing and had to laugh at their expressions. Wish I'd had my camera handy! Hey, at least they didn't start whining, like they do when Silver practices her clarinet!

It felt good to sing, really sing, again. I wish I had more time to join a group, but that kind of commitment is a lot like taking on another job, and I just can't right now. In any case, I know I have "Magnificat" on my iPod, and my dogs will just have to deal with my singing along while I fold laundry later, and my bathroom really needs cleaning, and the floors, too, for that matter...

TSA = Those Self-important Assholes

I'm sure you've all read Breda's account of her not-so-gentle treatment at the hands of the TSA wonks on her trip to Phoenix. Well a few days ago I discovered that one doesn't even have to be at the airport to experience the idiocy of the TSA!

I've been assisting a friend by getting some info on local airplane charter companies, and I searched the Yahoo! local yellow pages to get a list of companies and their contact info. One of the last companies I called was TWC Aviation Inc.

I got a voicemail, so I left a message and went about my business.

About an hour later my phone rang, I answered, and the following exchange occurred:

Me: Hello, this is Christina!

Unidentified Dude: Yes, I received a call from this number, asking that I call back?

Me: Yes, I'm calling all airplane charter companies in town, and wanted to...

UD (interrupting me): How did you get this number?!

Me: Ummm, Yahoo?

UD: Well this is a secure line, you have no business calling here.

Me: You're listed on the Yahoo yellow pages!

UD: This is a government phone! It's the TSA!

Me: You might want to check into why you're listed on the Yahoo yellow pages under "TWC Aviation, Inc."!

UD: Not even close, this is a government phone, the TSA! Please remove this number from your list and don't call again.

Me: I don't HAVE a list, I searched all airplane charter companies in Las Vegas, and this phone number was in the yellow pages. That's not MY problem!

UD: It's a secure line!

Me: Apparently NOT. Thank you for your time. (I hang up)

---

There you have it, Folks!

Remember, if you're looking for a charter plane in Vegas, whatever you do, under no circumstances should you call TWC Aviation, Inc. at 702-262-9700...

Because it's a secure line! It's a government phone!

It's the fucking TSA, Bitches!

And don't you forget it.

Work in Progress...

Here I am in my "Massage Girls 'R' Us" uniform:



Looking rather psycho, as I always seem to do when Silver takes my picture...

And here's a picture of me from the luau a year ago (hint: I'm the gal on the right):



It's useful to me to occasionally see the progress I've made, because it's easy to lose sight of how far I've come while I focus on what I still have to do.

Like I said, I'm a work in progress. And not only where weight loss is concerned!

It's been my experience...

that the size of the tip I receive is in inverse proportion to the amount of bling my client is wearing.

And that's just sad.

Seen on a bumper sticker on my way to work...

SINGLE WOMEN DON'T FART. THEY DON'T HAVE ASSHOLES UNTIL THEY MARRY.

It made me cringe and laugh, all at the same time.

Just got an email...

from my COM101 Prof:

I got 196/200 on my final (squeeee), and I got 870/900 altogether for the entire class, so that's an A!

So happy. :)

I'll have to check tomorrow and see if my grades for the two online classes are posted.

Gentlemen...

I have no wish to offend, but here's a tip. Either leave your back-hair alone, or, if you must depilate, please maintain! Stubble is VERY unpleasant to massage.

Thank you.

Free!

My last final: DONE!

I'm free, *squeeeeeeeeeeeee*!!

Now what on Earth will I do will all of my now-copious amounts of free time (*snerk*)?

I know! I'll get another job. The World Series of Poker starts on May 27th...I'll be there.

Asshole

As I was passing a blackjack table in Pit 7, while repeating "Massage? Would anyone care for a massage?", I noticed a gentleman wearing a white T-shirt with the phrase on the back, in bold, black letters:

NO, I DON'T WANT A FUCKING MASSAGE!

Well, fuck you, too, Sunshine! Pardon me for doing my job, Asshole. I hope you never, ever win at any game in the future, and that your teeny-tiny little dick falls off from lack of use. I hope that you develop a horrid body odor that causes little old ladies to faint in your presence. I hope any friends you might have (which I doubt!) desert you in droves because of your putrescence, and that any woman you hit on laughs loudly in your face, incredulously. May you break out in nasty, oozing boils. And, for good measure, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

Oh, and I didn't want to massage you anyway. After all, I do have standards to maintain. Which you obviously do not meet.

*whew*!

On our way back from getting Silver's weekly allergy shots, I suddenly heard a "whoop-whoop" and with a sinking heart saw the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror.

I had been talking with a friend on my cell, and though it's not illegal (yet) in Nevada to have a phone conversation while driving, I still abruptly ended the call and literally threw my cell at Silver while barking, "Here, hold this," as I pulled over to the side of the road.

I'd also been driving through a school zone, but knew I hadn't been speeding. (Anyone who speeds through a school zone should be drawn and quartered, at the very least.)

I rolled my window down as I turned to face the officer, who btw. looked like he didn't even need to shave yet. Officer Howser, I presume?

Then I heard the dreaded question..."Do you know why I pulled you over?"

*gulp*

"No, Sir."

"You have a brake light that's out."

D'oh!

Luckily, after checking my license and insurance info, the kindly officer let us go on our way with a warning.

My customary auto place was on our way home, and $11.80 and 15 minutes later, the threat of a ticket was once again a distant, looming thing, as opposed to a sharp, immediate one!

I always DID like Doogie Howser...;)

Lovely

It was extremely slow at work today, so slow in fact that I only had one massage all day. I threw in the towel after lunch and headed home. I've been shamefully neglecting my puppehs all this past week, mostly because of school, so this was the perfect opportunity to take them to the ginormous dog park up North, which is several acres in size. It was pretty darn hot already, upper nineties for sure, so we only managed two laps around the inside of the fence before we'd had enough. (The puppehs were panting, which is something they almost never do.)

I headed for the nearest decent-sized tree and threw myself down in the shade. The park was deserted, my two dogs (relatively) quiet, so I just relaxed with my eyes closed and allowed my thoughts to wander where they pleased.

It was simply lovely. So very peaceful and calming. I actually managed to doze off in the grass. Until, of course, Harley pounced on me and demanded attention! That was okay, too. We were there for THEM, after all. After some pats and scritches, he wandered off to explore the enticing scents all around him, and I dozed off again.

Bliss. Which I'll try to repeat as often as I can.

Christina's One Word Movie Reviews

Star Trek = EPIC

---

Overheard inside the theater:

"Buying food at the concession is wallet-rape."

Things they don't teach you in massage school...

"Beware of Falling Rocks."

My last massage of the day was a hot stone massage. I was almost finished, working on the right arm and about to do the head and neck massage, when my client shifted, causing the two stones resting on her thigh to slide off and plummet onto the top of my right foot.

Ouch.

Of course I couldn't say anything (or curse loudly, for that matter, which is what I was really inclined to do...). I just finished the massage and wondered why nobody ever warned me of falling rocks...

For all you Mothers out there...

Happy Mother's Day!

Hope you had a fabulous one. I had work, of course, but Silver and I are headed to the theater to see "Star Trek"...I can't WAIT! :)

(Flying my Geek Flag proudly...)

Prom/Barter

Last night was Silver's senior prom. She's been reluctant to go, and as a matter of fact, up until a few months ago she was adamantly opposed to going. I wore her down...;)
Her friends made the difference, I believe. Once she heard that all her friends from school were going, she changed her mind and bought a ticket.
I mentioned before how we found an inexpensive yet fetching dress, but of course, that's only the beginning...
Which leads me to the "barter" part of the post!

I took Silver to work with me yesterday, because I have an awesome job and an awesome boss who let me do stuff like that! I wasn't very busy, which in this case was a good thing, because we needed time to get stuff done...stuff like getting Silver's eyebrows waxed, getting her a manicure and pedicure, getting her make-up done professionally, having her hair styled...all of which didn't cost me a stinkin' DIME, due to the kick-assedness of the barter system!

Gayla, our lead esthetician, waxed Silver's eyebrows, for which I in turn gave her a half-hour massage.

Tracy, one of our salon's finest, did Silver's mani/pedi, and accepted an IOU for an hour-long massage on Tuesday (she was very busy yesterday and didn't have time to get a massage...)

Then we broke for lunch...mmmmmm, Chipotle, how I adore thee!

Silver indulged herself in the Jacuzzi after this, just relaxing a bit. I did have a few services, after all!

Then Holly, our make-up expert, took Silver in hand and worked her magic. Also accepting an IOU in lieu of payment (she was completely booked, but worked Silver in during a brief lull while a client's color was setting...Holly ROCKS!)
Holly is also going to get a longer massage, since Silver has never really worn make-up and was rather reluctant to sit still for the process. Just call the extended massage "hazardous duty pay"...Holly earned it!

Finally, and this is the most amazing part of my little tale, Maura, my friend and the spa attendant at our spa, sat Silver down while I was doing a massage and styled her hair adorably, which I would never have been able to do (I have no skillz in that direction, you see...)
Maura did this out of the goodness of her heart, not expecting anything in return, and in addition gifted Silver with a beautiful necklace, to boot!
Maura doesn't know this, but she's getting a massage today, even if I have to tie her down!

So you see, the barter system is alive and well in Las Vegas, we call it doing "trades", actually. That's how I get MY hair and nails done, too.

Oh, you want to see the results? Sure:

(Pardon my crappy photography skills...)





Outside the prom venue, a local Greek Orthodox Church (the theme for prom, naturally: "Greek Gods and Goddesses")





And just inside the door, after having been gifted with a long-stemmed red rose (hey, the prom organizers did themselves proud). This was the last shot before I headed home, with a little tear in my eye, I admit...



What a fantastic ending to a wonderful day.

My friends and the barter system ROCK. And Silver is beautiful and had a wonderful time. :)

Speech Epic WIN!

I had to give my final speech today in my Communications 101 Class. It was to be a persuasive speech on a controversial topic, 7-9 minutes in length. Naturally, I chose the topic: Why everyone should own a gun...

It. Was. Awesome.

I basically kicked total ass. I got 148 out of 150; my prof took off two points because she said it sounded "too rehearsed"...I guess I practiced a little too much! *g*
No worries. With the 50 points I got for my speech outline, that brings my grade for the speech up to 198 out of 200. I'll take it!

It was amazing and wonderful to look out into the classroom and see people nodding, agreeing with me. I got such a rush!

I never would have been able to do such a good job without a LOT of help, though.

I'd like to thank everyone over at the Gunblogger Conspiracy IRC for their advice and tips on where to find good information. Holly took time away from her own busy writing schedule to email me a bunch of links to more valuable info, and Jay G. gave me excellent tips on firearms. Oleg Volk was incredibly gracious enough to give me permission to use some of his fantastic, pro Second Amendment photographs as visual aids to my speech. Thank you all, you wonderful, wonderful people!

The sense of community I have found in the blogosphere, both those gun-crazy folks and those who couldn't care less about guns, truly humbles me.

Thank you all for enriching my life.

Braces...

OFF!

Retainer...ON!



I feel weird without my braces...but I suspect I'll get used to it, fast!

Eight

That's what size pants I'm wearing right now. It's almost inconceivable to me, as is the fact that I've lost 77 pounds in the past year (with more to go!).

I don't think I'm particularly vain, nor do I have reason to be, but I have to admit to checking myself out quite a lot lately. It often catches me by surprise to see my reflection..."Oh, hey! That's ME!" I guess it just takes time for the mental body image to change. Same goes for trying on clothes. I get the proper size, but when I take the clothing item off the rack, I think, "There's no way that's gonna fit me!"
Then I'm surprised and pleased when it actually does.

I'm not really going anywhere with this post (no surprise there!), just wanted to ramble on a bit about what goes on in a formerly fat person's head. In case you wanted to know...;)

In other news: more (frequent) blogging once school is out.

Two more weeks...

until the end of the semester. I can't WAIT. I'm going to stop drinking coffee and start sleeping more. I'm going to read novels until my brain explodes. I'm going to watch movies and tv shows on my computer until I'm a mindless zombie. I'll take my dogs to the park every single day (except Tuesdays, when I'm gone from 6:30 AM until 12:30 AM the next day). I'll start every day with a song in my heart and end it with a smile on my face. Two. More. Weeks.

It's so hard to resist...

the siren song of "Turn Coat."



It's been sitting on my nightstand, taunting me, for weeks now. I promised myself I wouldn't touch it until I finished school, but it's getting harder and harder every day to keep myself from devouring it.

I must be strong.

Band Geeks Rule.

Silver signed up to be in the Pride of the North Marching Band at UND. I'm so stoked!
If you click on the link, you'll see that the football team (The Fighting Sioux) is now Division I. Woo-hoo! (Not that I really have any clue what that means...)
But it DOES mean that the band will accompany the team to an away game...in TEXAS!
In September at Texas Tech. Maybe some of my readers will be watching the game and see Silver perform with the band during half-time...she's the tiny, extremely pale kid playing clarinet!

In other college news, Silver will be taking seven classes her first semester:

English 125 - Technical and Business Writing
Math (to be determined by placement testing)
Honors 101 - Inquiry in the Humanities
Computer Science 160 - Computer Science I (she's majoring in Computer Science)
Space Studies 200 - Introduction to Space Studies (She wants to get her Masters in Space Studies)
Music 271 - University Band (this is Concert Band)
Music 272 - Marching/Athletic Band

Obviously she'll be very busy. But busy kids are less likely to get into trouble, right? Not that I really have to worry about her in that regard.

Oh, and she just got a letter informing her of the scholarship she's received. $1000 per year for four years. Yays! Of course, the letter states she must join at least one college organization...she's going to call them and see if band qualifies!

And she wants to get a job, too...hmmmm. Busy, busy.

I'm so proud of her (obviously)!

GO, SILVER!

Overheard on the Casino Floor...

"Wow! So you do the massage right out here in the open?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Excellent! That's exactly what I need, a nice, Christian massage, with my clothes on, in front of everyone. None of that riff-raff in my room!"

---

(Fifteen minutes earlier, in another part of the casino)

"So, d'you gals come up to the room to do the massage?"

"No, Sir. We do the massage right here."

"But I can't take my clothes off!"

"That's correct, Sir."

"Well, you know, that guy was killin' masseuses in his hotel room back East!"

*blink blink*

"And THAT'S exactly why we don't go up to hotel rooms!"

If ever anyone needed a punch to the face...

I massaged a young man this afternoon who'd never had a massage before. I knew he was enjoying it, he was very relaxed, and as I finished with a nice scalp and neck massage, he even started falling asleep.

Now, when I finish a massage, I never say anything like, "We're done," or "Time's up," or anything like that. I always thank my client, by name. The usual response I get is, "No, thank YOU, Christina!"

So what does this punk say?

"Is that it?"

IS. THAT. IT.

I'm sorry, did you just ask me if that was it?!

What, did he expect the "bow-chicka-bow-bow" soundtrack to start, and me to ask in my sultriest voice (which is pretty damn sultry, I'll have you know), "Why, Sir...did you want anything...else?"

Some people.

Hey, but thanks for the tip, Bud.

Seen on my drive to school...

an air conditioning service's van, with the license plate "AREUHOT".

"Why, yes! Yes, I am," she proclaimed without an ounce of modesty...;)

Hey, it made ME laugh!

Prom Dress...

...$14.99 plus tax.

Sometimes it's GREAT to have a non-fussy child.

What's even better is her insistence on my driving her to the prom location (she's going with a bunch of friends); she's positively gleeful at the prospect of driving up amongst all the shiny limos in our beat-up, five year old Hyundai.

What can I say? She likes making a statement. As a matter of fact, she really wanted to wear a tux to prom, to protest all of the fuss and excess, but I gently pointed out that they probably don't make tuxes small enough to fit her.

So she picked out a plain, black dress that happens to look fabulous on her...for $14.99 plus tax.

Yeah, I know I got lucky!

Starbucks...squeeee...ooh, look! Shiny!

I got to the NY-NY last night after a busy day at my "real" job. My last three massages I was literally struggling to stay awake, and falling asleep while GIVING a massage is (naturally) grounds for immediate dismissal. I was exhausted, and it was mainly my own damn fault for staying up late chatting with a friend the night before, so no violins, please!

Anyway, my supervisor Christine was still at the casino, our shifts overlap by an hour, and I told her that despite the mega-dose of vitamin C and the extra vitamin B-complex I took earlier in the day, I didn't think I'd make it through my whole shift.
She suggested Starbucks, and was happy to treat me. Now, don't think I've been living under a rock or anything, but I've never had a Starbucks coffee. I don't LIKE coffee, and I've been trying, with mixed results, to completely give up all caffeine for the past two years. But needs must, and all that. So off to Starbucks we went.

OMG. I had a plain coffee, a "tall" (which is really a small), and I even had the barista make it half coffee, half steamed milk, so it would be somewhat diluted. It didn't matter. Within minutes of drinking that, that, crack, I was bouncing off the walls. Babbling a mile a minute, and hiccuping like I had drunk alcohol. That's what I felt like, that I was a little buzzed. People were laughing at me! But I wasn't tired anymore. Oh, no, definitely not tired. I was so not tired that I was singing along to all the music playing in the casino, and I didn't walk so much as prance to the beat, with hips swishing/swaying all the way. I'm sure it must have been entertaining, but who cares? I wasn't dragging my ass anymore!

I had a very successful night, my most lucrative yet as a matter of fact. Should I risk the effects again and have Starbucks tonight as well? Hmmmmmm. Must ponder.

Please...

for all that's holy: If you have the sniffles and decide to get a massage (a course of action I DO NOT recommend), try to avoid COUGHING IN YOUR THERAPIST'S FACE!!!

Thank you.

Too honest for my own good?

I got out of work early today because I had nothing booked all afternoon, so why bother staying when I'm not getting paid, right? Plus it's another gorgeous day outside! :)

I received a text message yesterday from my supervisor at the part-time gig, letting me know that our checks were ready for pick-up. Squeeeee! My first check!
Anyhoo, I swung by the NY-NY on my way home this afternoon and picked up the check. Imagine my surprise when I saw that I had been overpaid, by $25 in fact.
I immediately called Christine, my supervisor, and told her about it. After a few calls to accounting and HER boss, she called me back to let me know NOT to cash the check, that I'd have to return it on Tuesday, and will receive the corrected check in about a week. *sigh* Not that I need the money, or anything. So, am I too honest for my own good? Nope. It's called doing the right thing, even when it hurts.

---

UPDATE:
Christine called me back and told me to go ahead and cash the check. I'm supposed to just add an extra $25 to my daily deposit after work on Tuesday. Hey, works for me!

Christina does NOT approve of...

-baggy underwear on men. And I'm not talking about boxers, either. They're called TIGHTY whities for a reason, you know what I mean?

-tramp stamps. ON MEN. Now, I've only seen this once, but I hope never to have to see it again! Maybe in Scotland it's okay for men to get tramp stamps, but I hope the trend doesn't spread to over here.

Pet Peeves

Here's just a few:

I HATE those automated, ridiculously complicated telephone menus, "For x, press 1, for y, press 2"...ad infinitum, ad nauseam. Why can't I talk to a real person, right away? Even worse when you try to cheat by immediately pressing "0", which sometimes works, but then hear the message, "I'm sorry, that is not a valid entry." Then you have to hear the full recording over again. ARGH.

I hate people who habitually do not use their turn signals. PISSES ME OFF. They're there, use them, People. Please! A kitten dies somewhere every time you change lanes or make a turn without signaling. Think of the kittens, if not my nerves!

Not having a do-over button. Wouldn't it be great to be able to turn back time (sorry for stealing, Cher) and do things over on occasion?

That's it for now, I'm sure I have many more pet peeves, how about you?

Strange requests

In no particular order:

-got invited to move back to Salt Lake City by two elderly ladies. They said I could bring my dogs, so I was tempted...

-was asked to kick a gambler in the back of the head. BY THE GAMBLER.

-received a marriage proposal from a married man. When I called him on it, he said, "That's okay, we'll move to Utah." I turned him down because I don't want to wear ugly dresses, and so I told him.

-was offered $1000 to break a client's neck during a massage. I declined.

Despite the madness, I had a very good night. I had energy, the vibe of the casino was completely different from last night, and I had fun. Now it's off to bed!

Overheard inside my car...

"You know, the person who somehow isolates the gene that can extend the dog's lifespan will rule the planet..."

Invisible

Tonight was NOT a good night at the NY-NY casino. I made five whole dollars. Not only that, but for the first time the smoke really affected me. Half-way through my shift my eyes were bloodshot, burning, and tearing. I think it was the large number of cigars being smoked that did it.

The worst thing was the sense of being invisible. Usually, even if folks are disinterested, they'll at least make eye contact and say, "No, thank you." Tonight, I (mostly) received no acknowledgment at all. It was very depressing, to say the least. By the end of my shift, fatigue and discouragement lent the scene a surreal quality. All the noise of the machines, the lights and drifting smoke combined to disorient me.
Patrons resembled automatons, mechanically punching buttons and pulling levers. I walked the aisles between the slots, cheerily chirping, "Massage - Massage?" To no avail. I truly was invisible.

It was heavenly to get home and be greeted so wildly and enthusiastically by my dogs. I finally felt solid and connected. Acknowledged. Visible.

Bass-ackwards...

So I was video chatting with a friend a few minutes ago, and my 17-year-old comes storming over to my room and DEMANDS I turn the volume down. What's wrong with this picture?! So I grudgingly went back to my earphones, even though they were irritating my ears.

Wow. Things sure have changed since I was a teenager!

Yes, I am a dork.

But I can't help it, I just LOVE this:



Apparently this was to promote a Belgian reality show where the winner gets the lead in a new stage production of "The Sound of Music."

LOVE. IT.

No, sorry.

The spawn and I were at Walmart last night, grocery shopping. I was wearing thrift-store jeans, an old T-shirt, 11 dollar shoes, and a 5 dollar watch. So why the fuck did some guy come up to me and ask me for change IN THE STORE, supposedly for gas?
Do I really look that prosperous? Was I wearing any kind of serious bling? No. I wasn't even wearing make-up. And I was so tired I looked like a permanent resident of Hagsville.
So I looked at him incredulously, told him, "Sorry, I'm a struggling single mom," (My standard reply in situations like this), and went on my merry way.
Sometimes I think I'm too polite. But it's safer that way.

Roberta is my new hero

There's this super-nice blackjack dealer named Roberta who works at the New York-New York casino. Last night, I was massaging a gentleman at her table when he requested me to massage his hands. No problem, I have lotion and everything. He was pretty tipsy already at this point, and as I was kneading away at his hand, he said (very loudly), "Hey, look everyone! I'M GETTING A HAND-JOB!!"

While I just rolled my eyes, Roberta stuck her fingers in her ears and said, "La-la-la-la-la-I-can't-hear-you!"

I laughed SO hard.

Overheard at the Pai Gow Poker Table...

after a ten-minute chair massage:

"I suppose they would frown upon it if I took you home with me...?"

Ya think, Einstein?!

Yes!

Waiting in our mailbox today was a letter from the University of North Dakota. It informed Silver that she's been accepted into their Honors Program! I bet all our neighbors heard us screaming, and that the downstairs neighbors thought their ceiling was going to collapse from all of our jumping up and down! I'm so proud, I could bust.

An anecdote I forgot to share...

I was doing a massage on a young man playing blackjack. As I was massaging around his shoulder blade, I noticed his levator scapulae was popping and mentioned it to him. He said, "Yeah, I've dislocated that shoulder a couple times while playing hockey."

Slightly alarmed now, I asked him, "So, any other health issues I should know about? You're not going to collapse when you get up after the massage, are you?!"

He replied, "Nah, I'll be fine. I don't haven't any sense of taste, though."

Me, jokingly, "What? From a head injury?"

Him, "Yeah. Snowboarding. Snowboarding's the worst for injuries."

Me, thinking *oh, please, please, please don't have a seizure or go into a coma while I'm massaging you!*

First Faux Pas...

Never, ever, under any circumstances offer to shake a dealer's hand! Big no-no, people. Never touch a dealer on the casino floor. I found that out the hard way, naturally. Me being me, and all...;)

But that's okay, because at least I learn from my mistakes.

I love my new job, by the way. Yes, it's late at night and I'm tired, but it's so much FUN! Even though I have to deal with rejection, frequently I might add, it's still fun to wander around the casino and massage people on the spot. You get to meet very interesting folks this way. Oh, one other thing I've learned over the past two days nights: Drunk people are very, very funny!

Let's see...I've been shown baby pictures and asked my opinion of them, been complimented on my braces (by a guy who told me not to make fun of him, after I laughed when he said, "I smoke weed, cut me some slack!" I couldn't help myself...)
Also, I've been asked for directions oh, fifty million times already. Sometimes I've been able to help, and if not, I've known whom to ask. One lady asked for directions to the Strip exit of the casino, because she wanted to go to the New York, New York...she looked at me like I was crazy when I told her she was already standing in the NY, NY...she thought she was at the MGM Grand! *lol*

I also met two tourists from Stuttgart and got to flex my German muscles a bit, yay! My shift started pretty slowly, so I did chat with them for a while. The roulette dealer (or is it croupier?) looked at me like I was a freak! That was really fun. Not so fun was the group of older gentlemen hanging out at the circle bar who looked me up and down when I asked them if they'd like a massage and then laughed and said, "Not from YOU!" Assholes. If anyone ever comes right out and says they want a prettier therapist, I'm gonna say, "Gee, I never realized the pretty therapists massaged clients with their FACES." Oh, well. It's just another thing I'll have to get used to.

We therapists are also encouraged to get to know the dealers, pit bosses, and bartenders who work during our shifts, because they can really help us get business. So it's perfectly okay for me to stop and chat with a black jack dealer if neither of us is busy. I've also learned it's a good idea to tip the cashier who cashes our chips in, it's just nice to acknowledge them in that way.

Massaging in a casino and massaging in a spa are like night and day. You can't even really compare the two, that's how different they are.

For example, it's perfectly okay for me to sing along with the music playing in the casino, as long as the client doesn't mind (heck, most of them are too drunk to even notice, anyway!), and ditto with chatting away during the massage. I do have to get used to the often tight quarters, it makes the massage that more challenging.

Well, that's it for me; it's almost 2:30 in the morning, and I'm beat.

Wrong, just WRONG!

Phyllis and I had a couple's massage this afternoon. I had hubby, she had the seven-month-pregnant wife. Very nice lady, but MY client? Meh.

I try to always give folks the benefit of the doubt, so when my client started twitching on the table, I thought, "Whatever."

Then I noticed he kept looking at his wife, and I thought, "Aw, cute! He's checking to see how his pregnant wife is doing!"

Not really. He was checking to see if she was watching HIM, because he was getting into the massage a leetle too much, if you know what I mean (and I KNOW you do!)
He was grinding into the table, and when I massaged his glutes, he lifted his hips up into the strokes, VERY disconcerting to me. I also think he had his hand underneath himself, fondling his junk, but I couldn't really tell under the sheet.

So when the massage was finally over, I felt like I needed a shower to cleanse myself.

The missus was waiting for hubby at the front desk, when Rhyan came trotting out of the men's spa and made a beeline for me. Apparently the mister got so revved up from the massage, he couldn't wait to get to the hotel room and get it on with the missus. Instead, he decided jacking off in the shower was a viable alternative! Ewwwww. I'm really glad it was a couple's massage and not individual, who knows what he'd have tried to pull if he had been alone with me in a treatment room. Oh, well. At least he was a good tipper!

Okay...

so a couple nights a week I'll be roving the New York, New York, doing massage on gamblers. Wow. I'm kinda nervous, actually. But I'm sure I'll be okay! I hope so, anyway...:)

*AHEM*

I GOT THE JOB, I GOT THE JOB, I GOT THE JOB!!

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Seen on my drive home...

a car with California license plate number:

W8N4 SUN


I LOVE vanity plates!

In other news, I'm interviewing Tuesday night for a part-time job as a "roving/roaming (not quite clear on the terminology yet) chair massage therapist"...I'll be walking around casinos chirping, "Massage? Massage?" sorta like a low-rent cocktail waitress...;)

In other, OTHER news, I applied for this job and arranged for my interview solely by text message. I'd left numerous voicemails on my contact's cell phone, and finally decided to text her this afternoon. She replied within minutes...let's hear it for technology!

Apropos of nothing...

I massaged a gal today who was a dead ringer for Kirsten Dunst. Dimples and all. Just thought you ought to know...

FML

I met an extremely cute man at the dog park today, who was equally enamored...of my DOG.

*sigh*

Fuck my life.

Yes, I've become addicted to this website since yesterday, and have been noticing FML moments everywhere.

I'm actually flattered by the man's interest in my pup. He told me Harley was the most beautiful dog he's ever seen, and that he wants an Italian Greyhound just like him. His wife (beautiful, blonde) agreed...;)

You never can tell...

The most demure, self-effacing, soft-spoken, red-haired, freckle-faced, gold-cross-wearing young female client might also be wearing the sexiest little hot-pink and black thong underwear!

You just never can tell...

I *heart* Armenians...

I gave an Armenian lady her very first massage today. Halfway through, she grabbed my hand and said, "You have gold hand. May God bless you always."

Awwww.

And she gave me a big hug after the massage and thanked me profusely.

She really made my day!

I was mesmerized...

by the signs in a restaurant window.

Silver and I were eating dinner at Jason's Deli last Friday, a tradition for us on her yearly band festival day, since the festival is held at UNLV's Hamm Concert Hall and Jason's is just down the street. Since it's been quite some time since I was there last, a new restaurant has moved in across the way, Jollibee, whose front windows were visible from where I was sitting inside Jason's.

Can someone please explain to me what the fuck "Crispy Chickenjoy" or "Juicy Yumburger" mean?!

Okay, so "yumburger" isn't so bad, but "CHICKENJOY"??!!

I don't think I want anything to do with anything that makes chickens joyful.

Silver had to repeatedly get my attention because I kept staring out the window at "Crispy Chickenjoy".

Maybe I'm just weird.

Overheard chez LMT...

"I can't WAIT until we get to quantum mechanics and relativity in Physics! It'll be so cool."

---

"Apparently 'Watchmen' has full frontal nudity."

"Male or female?"

"Male."

"SWEET!"

---

Now guess who said what...;)

I heard about this one at the dogpark...

Check out the baby's expression...priceless!



This one naturally follows:



Thankfully (?), my Italian Greyhounds don't seem to have the propensity to "roo"...:D

Best. Day. EVAR!

I met my first bloggers in "real" life!

*Squeeeeeeeee*!!!!

Jethro and Zelda are in town to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary and Silver and I were lucky enough to get to spend some time with them yesterday.
What amazing people they are! I don't think I've ever met a kinder, more laid-back and down-to-earth couple in my life. They are the kind of folks with whom one never runs out of stuff to talk about. We had a total blast!
I wish I had more skill with words, because then I could convey my thoughts and emotions with such clarity, you guys reading this would much more thoroughly understand the awesomeness that is Jethro and Zelda. And I'm not kidding, either.

Hyperbole?

Not at all!

So, I picked up Zelda and Jethro early afternoon and we cruised up and down the Strip for awhile, until they ceased to be utterly flabbergasted by the sheer enormity of the hotel-casinos ('cause they ARE huge). I amused myself (and hopefully them) by pointing out all the buildings I was unfamiliar with, since there are quite a lot of them, actually! Like most people who live in or around famous places, I tend to avoid the Strip like the plague (except for the casino I work in), unless I have out of town guests to show around. I've been sadly guest-less for the past few years, so many of the new casinos and condo projects are completely unfamiliar to me.

We stopped for some pictures at the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign, then headed to my place for some serious massage and chat.
After my dogs' frenzied greetings were over and they had somewhat relaxed, I got down to business and gave first Jethro then Zelda their massages. What a wonderful time! Silver was sitting with us, and all four of us chatted back and forth on a myriad of topics. Yes, I did have to shoo Harley off the massage table a time or two (or three...), but overall I believe J.& Z. enjoyed themselves.


(Don't worry, this is an old picture...I do NOT photograph my clients while they're on the table!)

We laughed so much, I think my ribs are sore from it today.

After I reduced them to puddles of goo finished the massages, Jethro reciprocated with some outstanding soft tissue manipulation of my hands and forearms that I'm still feeling today. Thanks, Jethro, I needed that!

We were all feeling a bit peckish by then, so Zelda and Jethro invited us to dinner. I never turn down food! So we headed over to the nearby Blackbear Diner, the eatery famous for its gigantic, enormous portions of food. We all had leftovers! Despite my bizarre insistence that chicken-fried steak is, in fact, chicken (don't ask, I don't know, maybe because I was tired?), we really enjoyed ourselves. Jethro and Silver did run into some frustration due to being unable to find video of Terry Fator's first audition for America's Got Talent on youtube, using Jethro's iPhone.



Google for the win, Baby!

Then we drove back to the hotel, with a detour to see the Strip at night. Oddly enough, as we were driving, Silver said EXACTLY THE SAME THINGS I had said earlier in the day. I accused her of bugging the car, but I guess it's just a side effect of us being much alike in our thought processes. I did mention it was way past time for her to head off to college! It's getting a bit creepy how alike we are...;)

After Silver and I had bid our new friends farewell, we made our way back down Tropicana towards home. As we were cruising along, my phone rang and Silver scrambled to dig it out of my purse (I don't like talking on the phone while driving). I heard Silver say, "Okay. Okay. Thank you!" Then she turned to me and said, "We're supposed to check the microwave right away!" Huh?

Turns out Jethro and Zelda found a sneaky and creative way of leaving a tip for me! I had repeatedly refused any kind of money for the massages, they were my gift to them for their anniversary, plus they took us out to eat! That was plenty, as far as I was concerned. But they were having none of that, and took the opportunity while we gave them privacy to get dressed after the massage to slip a generous gratuity into a hiding place, with Silver and me none the wiser! Thanks again, Guys. You absolutely ROCK!

So you see why I think yesterday was the best day EVAR?! But wait...it gets even BETTER! (Even I didn't think that was possible!)

You see, Silver and I checked our mailbox before we went up to the apartment, and I found the most amazing package in there...with NINJAS!!

Behold the wonder of Phlegmfatale's mad packaging skills:



But the contents of the package was even awesomer!


(I apologize for my poor photography skills, I really can't do the earrings justice!)

Aren't they STUNNING? My very own, hand crafted, one-of-a-kind Phlegmmy earrings!!1!!!one!1! Thank you, Phlegm!

I think I'd burst if I were any happier.

*heaves BIG sigh of happiness*



Thank you, Zelda and Jethro, for being the fantastic people you are. Silver and I are honored to have met you.

Hopefully this was just the beginning of a wonderful friendship...:)

ZOMG!!!

So, Silver and I went to an event she was invited to this evening, because she KICKS ASS...*ahem*...it was the 2008-2009 Drive for Excellence, and they raffled off six laptop computers among other door prizes. Silver was very reluctant to go initially, I had to wake her up from a nap to get ready, she was hungry and cranky and kept saying, "I never win anything anyway, so why do we even have to go...I could be doing homework or playing video games or something!" But I insisted. She's done very, very well, and if a bunch of local organizations and companies want to honor her, we should at least take the time to show up. So we did and despite the fact that our feet were killing us (high heels, ugh), we had fun.
They started raffling off the laptops, and Silver was eying her ticket very closely. By the third announcement, her shoulders were slumped and she'd lost hope...then it happened...the announcer said, verrrrry slooooowly: 2...9...1...0.......8...........9!

SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

Silver and I started screaming and jumping up and down: SHE'D WON!!!!

After making our way through the crowd up to the stage, filling out the obligatory paperwork and having her picture taken numerous times (she might make the paper!), we headed home. While walking toward the door, Silver looked at me and said, "Happy Birthday, Mom. This one's yours."
I have a very good kid.
You see, I spent half of my tax refund buying a refurbished laptop for her, so she'd have one for college. I had initially planned on getting one for myself at the same time, but since the one she wanted was so pricey, I changed my mind and resigned myself to using my old, slow, crappy 256-megs-of-RAM desktop for a long, long time.
Now I'm typing this post on my new, snazzy, superfast Dell Inspiron 1525 laptop, instead! The one she spent an hour setting up for me.

What can I say? Silver's a sweetheart! :)

Musings on my birthday

Well, it's that day again. The day I'm officially one year older than I was yesterday.
Yup, today's my birthday. I'm 39. One more year before I hit forty, and forty hits back!
I was thinking about my life, unavoidable really, and one bit of information that came my way yesterday made me come to a pretty momentous decision.
Yesterday I found out that the private college I was planning on attending to get my nursing degree now has a one year waiting list.
So that closed the one avenue I had of getting my degree quickly in Las Vegas. All of the other public colleges and universities have waiting lists of at least a year or longer, and I'm tired of working full-time and only getting three classes a semester out of my way. At this rate, it'll be six years before I even get my Associate's Degree!
Plus, I really, really hate living in Las Vegas. I need to get out of this soul-destroying city, and I'm sick of the desert and the brutal summers.
So, I'm planning on attending the International University of Nursing on the Caribbean island of St. Kitts.
My daughter goes off to college this fall and I'll be foot-loose and fancy-free. What could be better than going to school full-time, year-round, on a beautiful tropical island? I'll have my BSN in less than three years due to their accelerated program, plus I'll be able to transfer the credit I've already earned, so I'll be done even faster. Now I need to focus on paying off my credit card debt so I can start with a clean slate. I'm going to sell off everything I possibly can, including my car, put the rest in storage, and hop on a plane with my dogs. Who, by the way, are going to be in heaven living in a place where it never gets too cold or too hot.
Anyway, stay tuned to this channel blog for further developments. I'll keep you posted as time passes. I'm planning on leaving at the end of the year, so I have plenty of time. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging even when I'll have the opportunity to go sailing and snorkeling and swimming and hiking and snoozing on the beach and...;)

Apology

I'm so sorry, Everyone, but I had to remove the "Followers" gadget from my blog layout. I appreciate everyone who signed up to follow my blog, but I'm afraid I've been spammed. Please don't click on the spamhole calling itself "skywind"!
Thank you and again, I'm sorry!

I'm NOT a perv, honest!

Okay. Somebody please explain to me why some male high school students look like they should be playing marbles and catching frogs, and others look like they're professional football players or belong on the cover of GQ?!

Sometimes I involuntarily do a double take when I see a young Adonis rushing to school. Then I realize, oh, SHIT. No way is that a teacher! Then I purge my brain.

I guess it's okay to be human.

I understand some of the difficulties male teachers must face, as well. 'Cause some of those girls look like they're 25. At least. Thankfully my daughter looks like she's twelve.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I have no desire to be a cougar, and that any male friends my daughter might bring home with her from college are safe from me.

Anything else would be creepy and perverted.

Note to self...

do NOT wear shorts to the dog park. Even when it's nice outside. Even when it gets HOT outside. If I weren't too self-conscious to post pics of my thighs, you'd see a plethora of scratch marks going in all different directions. Ouch. Oh, and a really nasty scratch in the bend of my left knee. Double ouch.

On another note: Why is it that I thought of half a dozen topics to blog about today, but can remember not a single one?

Also: WTF is lint, anyway?!

Craptastic Day

Not only was I dogtired today (Saturday, yes I know it's after midnight, but to me, it's still Saturday since I haven't been to sleep yet!), but work was absolutely craptastic. It's Nascar weekend, so the place is packed, but none of those folks are interested in a spa treatment. They're here for the races, and to drink and party, I suppose, not to get a massage or facial.
So I had an eight o'clock deep tissue massage (btw, lady, thanks for NOT tipping me!), then I had a hand paraffin treatment at noon. That was it, for the whole day. I got a lot of reading done, and Angie and I did a trade late in the afternoon when it became obvious that nothing else was going to book. Ahhhhh. She's a great therapist and did an excellent job softening up my rock-hard shoulders. Hopefully, she feels the same about the massage I gave her!
So basically, I made fifty bucks today. Less than minimum wage. See what I mean about feast or famine? Last week and the week before we were slammed, now it's dead. Too much uncertainty in the spa business. Well, I'm working on it.
I had a paper due for my U.S. History class today. I couldn't work on it AT work because I have no internet there, and this is an on-line class using on-line sources. It was due at midnight and I submitted my paper at 11:59:52 PM...with seven seconds to spare, w00t!! Yes, I'm a procrastinator, but I do my best work under the gun, so to speak. Plus, I was so tired when I got home I took a nap from 8 PM to 10:30, so that limited my time to write my paper. Hey, I got it done and I kicked ass, so who cares?
I also got this for dinner...mmmmmm. That's what probably made me need a nap! Full belleh=coma...:) I also went here on my way to Chipotle and got some chocolate. Hey, sometimes a girl needs chocolate, if you know what I mean! No, I didn't overindulge, okay? I had two squares, which is half a serving, btw, and the rest of the bar is in the fridge. For emergencies. Like life.
Cranky? Who, me?

Friday randomosity...

So, I gave my demonstration (how-to) speech this morning. I totally winged it, and still got an "A"! 75 out of 75...:) 'Cause I've got the gift of gab and I know chair massage (my topic).

One classmate was showing us how to prepare her super-secret fruit dip, and one thing she said that had us all cracking up was, "Remember, this is easy, pretty, and cheap. And EVERYONE likes easy, pretty, and cheap, right?" We laughed and laughed as she realized what she had said and blushed bright red, poor thing.

On my drive to school this morning I came to an intersection where I had to make a left turn. The light was green, but a car was just sitting in the "going straight" lane. The driver, a young lady who looked very upset, appeared to be aware the light was green and she could go, but she just wouldn't. Weird. After I had made my turn, I saw in my mirror that she'd finally continued on her way. Wonder what that was about...

I had a coupon for 15% off any item at Barnes and Noble, so I headed over there after class. I had just come in and was rooting around in my purse for the coupon, when I noticed an elderly gentleman headed for the exit. He walked with a cane and was carrying a bag in his other hand, so I asked if I could hold the door for him. He acquiesced gracefully with a delightful regional accent I was unable to place, and once we were outside, began peppering me with questions. He was firmly of the belief that we had met before, and I was unable to dissuade him of that notion. Finally, I went with the flow and told him how wonderful it was to see him again, and that I look forward to seeing him at the store in the future! *lol*

And lastly, my daughter told me about a boy in her Zoology Honors class who earned himself a day of in-house detention because he refused to take off his hat inside the school building. You see, it's NASCAR Race Weekend this weekend in Las Vegas, and the young man was showing his support for his favorite driver/team (whatever!). So he wouldn't take off his hat, which is a direct violation of the school dress code. Our race fan was being escorted from class to class to get his assignments, and as he left the zoology classroom, the teacher remarked, "Well THAT was stupid!"
A sentiment I thoroughly agree with!

Not much of anything to say, really.

I've been hammered with homework and other school assignments. Working on it. I got a call from a credit card company today about unauthorized charges on my account, shut that one down to get a new one and cut the old one up into little, bitty pieces.
Found out I have to wait until the end of April to reapply for the 911 dispatcher position, since I failed the Criticall Exam the first time. I have to wait at least 90 days to reapply. *sigh* Had a fitness assessment today, have gone from 50% bodyfat at the beginning of my program to 25% (21.4% is average for my sex and age.) I'm aiming for 18%. My BMI went from 41 to 31, too. Suh-weet! Yup, that's all I can think of, except that I did look at a couple of apartments today, one-bed-room apartments, for when the spawn leaves for college...gotta downsize! Oh, and I went to the dogpark this morning with the pups...70 degrees outside and beautiful! We had fun.
The End.

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's weird...

that I massaged a young Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman from Davenport, Iowa yesterday, and today a book I got through inter-library loan arrived...from Davenport, Iowa!

To me, this spells a cue for the Twilight Zone theme.

---

And while we're on the theme of the weird, can someone please explain to me why I suddenly have about six or seven flat-head screwdrivers of various sizes in my toolbox, but not a single Phillips-head is to be found?!

Stinker!

Yesterday the Geek Squad made an appearance at my home to set up a new wireless network, since we'd switched from Embarq DSL (boo-hiss!) to Cox Cable Internet (yay!) the day before. My dogs of course were in heaven that a strange man was in our apartment. They had to stay with us in the bedroom and observe everything carefully (wait, that sounds bad...). Thankfully, Matt knows, loves, and owns dogs, otherwise the situation would have been bad.
I feed my dogs lots of vegetables and fruit, they love it and will om-nom-nom gleefully, amusing all who watch. Unfortunately, sometimes the results are rather *ahem* fragrant, shall we say?
So there we were, Matt doing his thing and I observing, with Harley going back and forth between us, just giving affection.
Then Harley released a cloud of toxic gas, reminiscent of a skunk fed on rotten eggs, a skunk who decided to roll in some over-ripe limburger cheese before stopping by for a lingering visit.

*sigh*

"Harley," I exclaimed. "How heinous of you!" I apologized profusely to Matt, hoping all the while he didn't think it was actually ME with the nasty ass. Then Harley let loose again. We needed gas masks and Hazmat suits at this point. Matt wasn't done yet, though, so we persevered. Finally the job was finished and we were able to leave the lethal zone.

All the while, Harley was being his cute, affectionate, TOTALLY INNOCENT self.

*sheesh*

His ass should come with a warning, is all I'm sayin'.

By Request...

Phlegmmy and Chuck both requested pics of me in my size twelve jeans, which fit me very well now, thankyouverymuch, and Mauser*Girl asked for before/after pictures. Well, consider these more of "In progress" pictures, since I'm nowhere near my goal. The first pic is from before Christmas, when I was a size 16, the second is from earlier this evening, size 12. I dunno, I really don't see much of a difference! But I certainly feel it, and the size 16 and 14 jeans are back at Goodwill...:)

Brilliance!

As Silver and I were headed North to her allergist for her weekly immunotherapy shots, we noticed a pick-up truck with the following vanity plate:

FNURWIF

After it clicked in my brain, and I had finished sputtering with laughter, I had one immediate thought: How the HECK did he get that one past the dragons at the DMV?!

Foiled in my attempt...

I believe I've mentioned before how much it's aggravated me to see a sign up at my gym that lists the monthly "birthday's" of the gym members. Well I finally pointed it out to a gym employee today, and was told they'd take care of it right away.

Imagine my amazement when I saw they had indeed changed the sign in the time it took me to do my workout. Unfortunately, they changed

February Birthday's

to

Members Birthday's

D'oh!

I give up...

I'm NOT complaining...

just stating for the record that I'm very, very tired.

In the four days of my work-week I did 32 hour-long massages and two body scrubs.
That's a lot of rubbin'. The skin on my forearms is raw, thanks to the many men I massaged (hair, you know). But, I really can't, or shouldn't, complain, since I made a lot of money this week. And that's good.

I WILL complain, however, about Ed's client in our last side-by-side massage. Her voice was incredibly annoying; that high, squeaky kind that so many men (inexplicably) find attractive. More annoying was her habit of not using the face cradle and instead turning her head sideways on the table to WATCH ME WHILE I MASSAGED HER BOYFRIEND.
Most annoying by far was the fact that she told her dithering boyfriend after the massage how much to tip me. Wow, five whole dollars. I'm gonna be rich now! Fellas and dames, go with your gut when it comes to tipping. Don't listen to your partner, they're usually cheaper than you!

Is something wrong with me?

We're having a contest at work this month. Management is really pushing us to sell upgrades and add-ons to services, and whoever posts the highest dollar amount wins a Target gift card. Not to mention that the employees get FIFTY PERCENT of whatever add-ons or upgrades they sell. That's huge incentive right there! I whipped up a handy little list of all our add-ons, made copies, and put them in clear plastic holders in every room, so that they would be available to all massage therapists and estheticians.

It being Valentine's Day weekend, we got tons of couples' massages Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter who it was, male, female, if I was in the room first or last, I struck out with my spiel every time. Nobody wanted add-ons or upgrades. But twice, TWICE, Angie managed to get her client to add on something, and her client then convinced his/her respective spouse to do the same. What the fuck's up with that, hmmm? Why has my add-on mojo deserted me? The end result in this case was the same, I still got the credit (and the money) for the add-ons, even though Angie was the instigator facilitator. So I should be happy, right? WRONG! I'll be observing carefully over the next few days to see if my mojo returns. If not, I'll have to work on some kind of ritual. Any ideas?

Tattoos, Balls, and a Tip

As Angie* and I were in a couple's massage, she kept urging me to look at her client, the female half of the couple we were working on. Finally, I worked my way around hubby and took a gander at Milady's back. There, in big, bold letters, I found the following:

MISSCHEVIOUS

Obviously, Milady is NOT an English major.

Later in the day, I worked on one of my regular clients. Since I saw him last, he added a big-ass tattoo to his upper back/shoulder area. It reads:

Product of Sin City

Angie joked afterward that maybe he was conceived in Vegas and was forced to stay here. After all, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

---

I have grown a set of balls. In what way, you ask? Because I finally summoned the intestinal fortitude to call nasty forgetful women on their lack of handwashing after using the toilet. And I still got tipped and nobody complained to my boss.
After observing my clients leave the stall and head in my direction, bypassing the sinks, I merely asked politely, "Would you like to wash your hands? We have plenty of time."
I think it would take a woman with even greater balls to reply, "No." to my request!

---

And finally, here's a tip: Don't chew gum when getting a massage. Not only is it dangerous, because you could fall asleep and choke on it (or it could fall out of your mouth and get stuck in your hair or our carpet), but it's also EXTREMELY ANNOYING. Thank you.

---

* I decided it was silly to keep using first letters only when describing my colleagues, it gets too confusing, and I don't think my co-workers mind!

Succumbing to the EEEEEEEVIL...

*sigh*

So one of my younger daughters, who are moving to England in a little less than two weeks, just sent me an invite to view her Facebook page. Which, naturally, means I have to sign up, too. I suppose it was bound to happen, and watch, her twin will be following shortly.

When I have my Facebook info, it's possible I'll post it here. We'll see.

Strangely enough...

my newbie client wasn't from the South, nor did he have an accent. But I still had to smother a snicker stillborn when he said, "Just one question, draws on or off?"

I can fly!!!

And I can kick axe ass, too...;)

This has been speeding around the blogosphere like wildfire...go here and you can be a superhero too!

"Preparedness" is not a dirty word...

nor should "survival" conjure images of camo-clad, gun-toting, shaggy-haired, bearded men, living in shacks in the deep forest, mumbling conspiracy theories, either.

Should a disaster, natural or man-made, occur, would you be prepared? Would you survive? Would you have enough food and water, would you have any way to cook your food and stay warm? Do you have any means of protecting yourself and your loved ones from harm?

If you answered "no" to any of these questions (like myself!), tune in tomorrow, Friday night, at 11:00 PM CST, when my friend Mark will be hosting experts on the subject on his blogtalkradio show!

You can bet your ass I'll be listening. And you should too.

O. M. G........

Remember this?



On Friday, I, along with four other colleagues, will be lip-syncing this in front of hundreds of employees and casino patrons.

What the fuck was I thinking? The first thing you learn in the military is "NEVER VOLUNTEER." I guess the lesson didn't stick. It's even on my day off.

*sigh*

It's for this rally, employee morale boosting, crapola whatever thing. If we win, we get this stuffed monkey. EVERY department wants the stuffed monkey, they'll even try to kidnap it. But it shall be ours, oh yes!

I get to be Posh Spice, now known as Victoria Beckham. Back then, when she wasn't a size -4, she was actually hot. Time to scrounge through my closet...

Oh, and video will possibly be forthcoming!

Overheard in a treatment room....

"I have a crusty mole...right here, in my hair. It looks like a funky cactus!"

*LOL*!

Best T-Shirt Slogan EVAR!!!

Seen on a woman at my surgeon's office this morning:

I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.

Okay, then, Mr. Married Classmate!

As I was sitting in my COM101 class after giving a speech, a classmate next to me leaned over and said, "I'm not flirting with you, but GOD, you smell good!"

Allrighty then!

Thanks, I guess.

Question...

So, is it only in Vegas, or do ALL WalMarts check customers' receipts as said customers leave the store? I really want to know. Because, frankly, it pisses me off to have to show some old dude my receipt, so he can scribble some hieroglyphics on it with a highlighter, to prevent store security from tackling my ass on the way to the parking lot, when I'm just trying to get home with my pantiliners and tomatoes!

Okay, rant over.

Stick a fork in me...

I'm DONE!

Nine fifty-minute massages today. And though I'm sore and tired, I'm crying all the way to the bank.

Also...sad but true: Push-up bra plus actually wearing makeup equals better tips from male clients.

TallyAngel and Chaos...don't read this!

Like THAT would ever work where my kids are concerned!

Observed at the spa's front desk the other day:

(Receptionist S., answering the phone...)

S.: (After obligatory greeting, listing of specials, etc.) You'd like to schedule a massage?...For today or tomorrow?...Do you have a preference for a male or female therapist?...Female? Okay...............
(as she is listening, S. is turning several shades of red; finally, her face resembles a tomato.)

S.(squeaks): NO!!! (slams down the phone.)

Apparently, Dude asked her, "Will the masseuse suck my dick for a happy ending?"

Poor innocent. That's nothing! Heck, I could tell her stories from when I worked the front desk...!

Oddly enough...

even though we were slammed at work today from the moment I walked through the door, the spa was suddenly deserted at 3:00 PM. Hmmmmmm. I wonder why...?

Conversations with Clients (First edition)

First Conversation

Me: So, are there any areas you'd like me to focus on?

Client: Oh, absolutely!

*looks at me expectantly*

Me,thinking: Oh, I'm so sorry, my powers of telepathy seem to be on the fritz at the moment!

Me: And these areas would be...?

Client: Shoulders and neck!

Me: Let's get started then.

Second Conversation (verbatim!)

I'm working on a male client from Arkansas, have just started massaging his back

Client: Excuse me, Miss? Would you mind massaging my butt?

Me, thinking: And would you like some Grey Poupon with that?

*Sorry, just recently re-watched "Wayne's World"!*

Me: No problem, it's a full-body massage!


*My inner snark is improving!*

Okay...

so I'm not exactly Eva Longoria Parker. But I ain't half bad, either.



Yes, I'm aware I look "totally pissed off" (according to Silver, who took the picture), but I truly wasn't. I was just on my way to a job interview and had a lot on my mind!

Too good not to share...

even though it's second-hand.

I had planned on regaling you with tales of lesbian shenanigans at our spa, but instead will share a certified TRUE story I heard at A.'s surprise birthday party last night. The party rocked, btw. I only drank water, honest.

Anyway. B., my supervisor who's been out on disability the past month, told us something her friend, who works the front desk of Qua, the incredibly luxe spa at Caesar's Palace, shared with her the last time they were lunching together. Incidentally, I'd die to work at Qua. Really, I would. The lead therapists clear six figures a year, no joke. Though I'm not sure how they are doing right now, with the economy in the crapper as it is.

On to the story!

The spa attendants at Qua pool their tips and divvy them up at the end of the week. Well, recently the spa attendants from the Gentlemen's spa had been clearing a thousand bucks a week and no one could figure out why. The massage therapists were complaining, since business had slowed down for them and they weren't getting the tips they felt they deserved.
One day, the manager received a customer comment card with the following:

"Blow job given by attendant _________ inadequate."

D'oh!!!!

Needless to say that the attendant was fired!

But at least the mystery of the massive tips was solved! I wonder whether the other spa attendants are now contemplating providing "extra" services...

This is getting out of hand

I was standing in the check out line at PetSmart today, when I noticed this, priced at $2.99 for a small bottle:



"Our Hero" fortified drinking water for dogs.

Now, I'm absolutely bonkers about my puppehs. I buy them premium food, make sure they have plenty of fresh water to drink, am religious about all their check-ups and vaccinations...heck, I even brush their teeth (almost) daily!

But fortified bottled water, at $2.99 a pop? That's over the top and ridiculous!
I know there's almost a cult of pet-worshipers now in the U.S., but I refuse to bow at that altar. When all's said and done, they are ANIMALS. I don't even buy bottled water for myself or my kids, and if tap water is good enough for us, it's definitely good enough for my pets!

What do you think?

Okay

I'm off to take my Criticall Exam for the 911 Dispatcher position. I'll be starting at around 8:00 PST. Wish me luck, guys. I'll need it!

UPDATE (at 1:00 PM PST): I've got good news, bad news, and more good news.
The good news is I got 95% on the exam. The bad news is I failed anyway. The data entry module of the test is Pass/Fail, and in order to pass you have to type at 4000 keystrokes per hour, while my score was 3689. The other good news is that they definitely encouraged me to apply again after February 11th for the March testing cycle, and they gave me some tips on how to improve my score. And it will also help that I know what to expect, which will lessen my nervousness.

The best news of the day, however, is from after the exam. Instead of heading to the nearest store to buy a pint of Ben&Jerry's ice cream in which to drown my sorrows, I hit the gym for an hour and a half! Win!

True, true...

*rowr*!

I think I'm feeling faint...

Misc. Stuff and Aggravation

I've got a boatload of stuff to blog about, so let's get started!

-last night Silver and I were watching a "House, MD" DVD, when my dog Tucker apparently decided we weren't paying enough attention to him. He jumped up on the back of the couch, strutted to the light switch, and deliberately nudged the switch for the ceiling fan up with his snout. As the fan began to swirl lazily, he turned his head to look at us, as if to say, "So, are you paying attention to me now?!" Quite a few times over the past year, when we've been gone an especially long time during the day, we'd come home to find the ceiling fan in the living room whirling merrily. We wondered which dog was doing the deed, and now we know...mystery solved!

Of course we made a big fuss over him, smart pooch that he is!

-I saw something very cool yesterday morning. I was parking in our employee parking lot, which is a good quarter mile from the casino, and I saw a valet pull a skateboard out of the trunk of his car and zoom off toward the casino. That's one way to make sure you don't clock in late!

Massage vignettes (including the AGGRAVATING ONES):

-I was massaging a young lady yesterday, and immediately upon draping her back, I noticed what appeared to be a marble-sized sebaceous cyst smack-dab in the middle of her back. Needless to say, I was pretty grossed-out, since I had to massage right over it, necessitating my touching it repeatedly. Ugh. I was worried that if I applied too much pressure, I'd express some of the material of the cyst! Luckily, I was able to avoid that. I'd have charged her extra for it, though!

-As I was working on a gentleman's neck and shoulders with loose fists, knuckles on both of my hands cracked. I said, "Sorry," whereupon the client replied, "Don't apologize, that's exactly what I need, feels great!"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was ME whose joints had cracked, not his shoulders making noises while being adjusted. I'm not a chiropractor!

Now on to the aggravating clients...

-I massaged an investigator from L.A. (he works for a lawyer's office AND Rite-Aid, which I find fascinating). He'd won some money at the craps table and decided to treat himself to a massage. After we were done, he verified that we had tip envelopes up at the front desk, and assured me he'd leave me a little something...yeah, sure he did! ZIP, ZILCH, NADA is what he left me. Now, if he simply forgot in his haste to get back to the tables, okay, it happens (and hopefully he'll remember and come back up today to leave me a tip), but if he never intended on giving me a tip, he should have just kept his mouth shut about it, and not gotten my hopes up. If the latter is the correct scenario, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits!

-My last client of the day was half of a couple A. and I massaged in the side-by-side (couple's) room. I was doing the guy, A. the girlfriend. As always, I asked about surgeries, injuries, medications...and the most important, "Do you have any areas you'd like me to focus on today?" To which he replied, after a moment of thought, "Everywhere!" Fine. Whatever.
So I started the massage and was working on his shoulders when he said, "You can use more pressure." Uh, no I can't! You paid for a Swedish massage, which entails light-to-medium pressure (because it's our special, discounted service), so don't try to get me to do a deep-tissue massage without forking over the difference. That was the first indication this was going to be fun. I was working on his legs when he started snoring slightly, which is fantastic! The client falling asleep is a huge compliment to the therapist. A. and I exchanged a laughing glance at a particularly loud snort, and continued on. After the massage was over, and I had him sign his ticket, we had the following exchange:

Client: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Of course!
Client: The last time I had a massage, the therapist rubbed my feet...why didn't you?
Me: *blink blink* I did massage your feet!
Client: I remember you massaging the tops of my feet, but not the bottoms.
Me: I definitely massaged your feet both while you were face-down and face-up, with my knuckles and loose fists, even.
Client: I don't remember...and I was really looking forward to a good foot massage, too...that's my favorite part!
Me: *what I thought* You dumbass...why the hell didn't you tell me to focus on your feet when I asked you before the massage?! I'd have spent extra time on 'em, and you'd probably remember! I can't help it that you fell asleep and can't remember what I did!
Me: *what I said* I'm sorry, Sir, but I definitely did massage your feet. I'm a very thorough therapist and do a full-body massage every time. Have a wonderful evening!

Needless to say, he didn't leave me a tip...grrrrrrrr.

Chop-chop!

On Wednesday, the 28th of January, I plan on chopping my hair off.
I'm going for Eva Longoria Parker's do from the cover of Glamour magazine, shown here:



If the rest of me magically changed to look like the rest of her at the same time, I wouldn't complain...;)

See, my hair is seriously falling out. Clumps and clumps of it, which is a normal and expected side-effect of weight-loss surgery. It just creeps me out though, and I really don't like how my hair is looking now. Plus, I have to put it up all the time: at work, when I'm exercising, etc. It's aggravating me, and it gets way too hot in the summer, too. So snip, snip and in the trash it goes. Despite having grown it out for the past two years. Oh, well. I can always grow it long again once it stops falling out, if I want to!

Opinions?

Awwww...

I saw a car parked at the Smith's parking lot this evening with the following vanity plate:

IMWIFEY


How sweet!

Did you get the lobotomy the moment he slid the ring on your finger?

Do you call him "husbandey?"

*shudder*

Dread

Well, next week the new semester starts. *sigh*
I've really been enjoying my time off, but it's time to get back to school.
I'm taking three classes again, Communications 101, U.S. History and Constitution, and Music Appreciation (don't laugh!).
Communications is the only class I'll have at school, the other two are online, thank God! I'm determined to maintain my 4.0 average, too.

In other news, I'm in the middle of the hiring process for Dispatch Specialist Trainee for the LVMPD. My application passed the initial screening, I was invited to and attended the mandatory seminar (where they tried really, really hard to scare us off), and next week I take the Criticall Exam. If I pass that, I go before the oral board, then my points are all added up and I go on their hiring list. This is, of course, assuming I pass the background investigation and psychological screening.

If I make the cut, the 14-week academy starts in July, followed by 16 weeks of one-on-one on the job training.

I plan on continuing to work as a massage therapist, don't get me wrong! I didn't go to school for a year to throw in the towel! It's just that since my pay is commission-based only now, my income is too iffy. I have to have a steady paycheck, and a job with good benefits. I'm really excited about this opportunity, I think dispatching is a fascinating job. Stressful, of course. But to me, it's far more stressful worrying monthly whether I can pay my rent, all my bills, and still have money left over for groceries!

I hope to eventually work graveyard, that way I can still go to school, maybe take a few more classes. We'll see...I don't want to put the cart before the horse!

Wish me luck.

Sleep...adjusting????

Night before last I set the alarm as usual and fell asleep quickly. I woke up around 4:30 AM, cracked an eye open to see how much more time I had to sleep, and noticed that the alarm was set for 2:00 PM!! (My clock is the kind that displays the alarm setting in the corner of the LED screen.)

WTF? I know I set the alarm for 5:40 AM, I remember doing it. Plus, I never set the alarm at the top or bottom of the hour exactly, because my clock is ten minutes fast. So I always set the alarm for 10 or 40 minutes after the hour (defeats the purpose of setting the clock ahead, but oh, well!)

So I must have fiddled with the clock in the middle of the night while I was asleep.

I'm really lucky I woke up when I did, or I would have been up the creek without a paddle! Silver would have woken me up, but probably not until around 6:30, when it's time for her to leave for school. That would have really sucked.

Wow, this blog post really has me scraping the bottom of the inspiration barrel, I apologize!

Another first

I had a walk-in client this morning at nine, who ended up being my first client of the day.
It was a routine 50-minute Swedish massage, and he apparently enjoyed it, since he tipped me $25!
Imagine my surprise when I came back from lunch and saw that the same client had booked another massage with me, today! So he ended up my first AND last client of the day, receiving an 80-minute Swedish massage as his second service, for which he tipped me FIFTY BUCKS!!!!!

It was a good day...:)

Halfway there!

If you'll happen to direct your gaze to the weight-loss ticker in my sidebar, you'll see that I've reached the halfway point today! 59 pounds down, 59 more to go. I know I can do it! I exercised this morning, too.
My trainer vetoed a fitness assessment yesterday, he told me that my being sick would skew the results, but he did tape me and do a body composition test.
Since the end of July, I've dropped 5.5 inches from my waist and 6 inches from my hips. My body fat percentage dropped 7%, and my BMI went from 39 to 32.4.

Not too shabby! Now I just have to keep it up.