Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday randomosity...

So, I gave my demonstration (how-to) speech this morning. I totally winged it, and still got an "A"! 75 out of 75...:) 'Cause I've got the gift of gab and I know chair massage (my topic).

One classmate was showing us how to prepare her super-secret fruit dip, and one thing she said that had us all cracking up was, "Remember, this is easy, pretty, and cheap. And EVERYONE likes easy, pretty, and cheap, right?" We laughed and laughed as she realized what she had said and blushed bright red, poor thing.

On my drive to school this morning I came to an intersection where I had to make a left turn. The light was green, but a car was just sitting in the "going straight" lane. The driver, a young lady who looked very upset, appeared to be aware the light was green and she could go, but she just wouldn't. Weird. After I had made my turn, I saw in my mirror that she'd finally continued on her way. Wonder what that was about...

I had a coupon for 15% off any item at Barnes and Noble, so I headed over there after class. I had just come in and was rooting around in my purse for the coupon, when I noticed an elderly gentleman headed for the exit. He walked with a cane and was carrying a bag in his other hand, so I asked if I could hold the door for him. He acquiesced gracefully with a delightful regional accent I was unable to place, and once we were outside, began peppering me with questions. He was firmly of the belief that we had met before, and I was unable to dissuade him of that notion. Finally, I went with the flow and told him how wonderful it was to see him again, and that I look forward to seeing him at the store in the future! *lol*

And lastly, my daughter told me about a boy in her Zoology Honors class who earned himself a day of in-house detention because he refused to take off his hat inside the school building. You see, it's NASCAR Race Weekend this weekend in Las Vegas, and the young man was showing his support for his favorite driver/team (whatever!). So he wouldn't take off his hat, which is a direct violation of the school dress code. Our race fan was being escorted from class to class to get his assignments, and as he left the zoology classroom, the teacher remarked, "Well THAT was stupid!"
A sentiment I thoroughly agree with!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Not much of anything to say, really.

I've been hammered with homework and other school assignments. Working on it. I got a call from a credit card company today about unauthorized charges on my account, shut that one down to get a new one and cut the old one up into little, bitty pieces.
Found out I have to wait until the end of April to reapply for the 911 dispatcher position, since I failed the Criticall Exam the first time. I have to wait at least 90 days to reapply. *sigh* Had a fitness assessment today, have gone from 50% bodyfat at the beginning of my program to 25% (21.4% is average for my sex and age.) I'm aiming for 18%. My BMI went from 41 to 31, too. Suh-weet! Yup, that's all I can think of, except that I did look at a couple of apartments today, one-bed-room apartments, for when the spawn leaves for college...gotta downsize! Oh, and I went to the dogpark this morning with the pups...70 degrees outside and beautiful! We had fun.
The End.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks it's weird...

that I massaged a young Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman from Davenport, Iowa yesterday, and today a book I got through inter-library loan arrived...from Davenport, Iowa!

To me, this spells a cue for the Twilight Zone theme.

And while we're on the theme of the weird, can someone please explain to me why I suddenly have about six or seven flat-head screwdrivers of various sizes in my toolbox, but not a single Phillips-head is to be found?!

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Yesterday the Geek Squad made an appearance at my home to set up a new wireless network, since we'd switched from Embarq DSL (boo-hiss!) to Cox Cable Internet (yay!) the day before. My dogs of course were in heaven that a strange man was in our apartment. They had to stay with us in the bedroom and observe everything carefully (wait, that sounds bad...). Thankfully, Matt knows, loves, and owns dogs, otherwise the situation would have been bad.
I feed my dogs lots of vegetables and fruit, they love it and will om-nom-nom gleefully, amusing all who watch. Unfortunately, sometimes the results are rather *ahem* fragrant, shall we say?
So there we were, Matt doing his thing and I observing, with Harley going back and forth between us, just giving affection.
Then Harley released a cloud of toxic gas, reminiscent of a skunk fed on rotten eggs, a skunk who decided to roll in some over-ripe limburger cheese before stopping by for a lingering visit.


"Harley," I exclaimed. "How heinous of you!" I apologized profusely to Matt, hoping all the while he didn't think it was actually ME with the nasty ass. Then Harley let loose again. We needed gas masks and Hazmat suits at this point. Matt wasn't done yet, though, so we persevered. Finally the job was finished and we were able to leave the lethal zone.

All the while, Harley was being his cute, affectionate, TOTALLY INNOCENT self.


His ass should come with a warning, is all I'm sayin'.

Friday, February 20, 2009

By Request...

Phlegmmy and Chuck both requested pics of me in my size twelve jeans, which fit me very well now, thankyouverymuch, and Mauser*Girl asked for before/after pictures. Well, consider these more of "In progress" pictures, since I'm nowhere near my goal. The first pic is from before Christmas, when I was a size 16, the second is from earlier this evening, size 12. I dunno, I really don't see much of a difference! But I certainly feel it, and the size 16 and 14 jeans are back at Goodwill...:)


Wednesday, February 18, 2009


As Silver and I were headed North to her allergist for her weekly immunotherapy shots, we noticed a pick-up truck with the following vanity plate:


After it clicked in my brain, and I had finished sputtering with laughter, I had one immediate thought: How the HECK did he get that one past the dragons at the DMV?!

Foiled in my attempt...

I believe I've mentioned before how much it's aggravated me to see a sign up at my gym that lists the monthly "birthday's" of the gym members. Well I finally pointed it out to a gym employee today, and was told they'd take care of it right away.

Imagine my amazement when I saw they had indeed changed the sign in the time it took me to do my workout. Unfortunately, they changed

February Birthday's


Members Birthday's


I give up...

I'm NOT complaining...

just stating for the record that I'm very, very tired.

In the four days of my work-week I did 32 hour-long massages and two body scrubs.
That's a lot of rubbin'. The skin on my forearms is raw, thanks to the many men I massaged (hair, you know). But, I really can't, or shouldn't, complain, since I made a lot of money this week. And that's good.

I WILL complain, however, about Ed's client in our last side-by-side massage. Her voice was incredibly annoying; that high, squeaky kind that so many men (inexplicably) find attractive. More annoying was her habit of not using the face cradle and instead turning her head sideways on the table to WATCH ME WHILE I MASSAGED HER BOYFRIEND.
Most annoying by far was the fact that she told her dithering boyfriend after the massage how much to tip me. Wow, five whole dollars. I'm gonna be rich now! Fellas and dames, go with your gut when it comes to tipping. Don't listen to your partner, they're usually cheaper than you!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Is something wrong with me?

We're having a contest at work this month. Management is really pushing us to sell upgrades and add-ons to services, and whoever posts the highest dollar amount wins a Target gift card. Not to mention that the employees get FIFTY PERCENT of whatever add-ons or upgrades they sell. That's huge incentive right there! I whipped up a handy little list of all our add-ons, made copies, and put them in clear plastic holders in every room, so that they would be available to all massage therapists and estheticians.

It being Valentine's Day weekend, we got tons of couples' massages Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter who it was, male, female, if I was in the room first or last, I struck out with my spiel every time. Nobody wanted add-ons or upgrades. But twice, TWICE, Angie managed to get her client to add on something, and her client then convinced his/her respective spouse to do the same. What the fuck's up with that, hmmm? Why has my add-on mojo deserted me? The end result in this case was the same, I still got the credit (and the money) for the add-ons, even though Angie was the instigator facilitator. So I should be happy, right? WRONG! I'll be observing carefully over the next few days to see if my mojo returns. If not, I'll have to work on some kind of ritual. Any ideas?

Tattoos, Balls, and a Tip

As Angie* and I were in a couple's massage, she kept urging me to look at her client, the female half of the couple we were working on. Finally, I worked my way around hubby and took a gander at Milady's back. There, in big, bold letters, I found the following:


Obviously, Milady is NOT an English major.

Later in the day, I worked on one of my regular clients. Since I saw him last, he added a big-ass tattoo to his upper back/shoulder area. It reads:

Product of Sin City

Angie joked afterward that maybe he was conceived in Vegas and was forced to stay here. After all, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!"

I have grown a set of balls. In what way, you ask? Because I finally summoned the intestinal fortitude to call nasty forgetful women on their lack of handwashing after using the toilet. And I still got tipped and nobody complained to my boss.
After observing my clients leave the stall and head in my direction, bypassing the sinks, I merely asked politely, "Would you like to wash your hands? We have plenty of time."
I think it would take a woman with even greater balls to reply, "No." to my request!

And finally, here's a tip: Don't chew gum when getting a massage. Not only is it dangerous, because you could fall asleep and choke on it (or it could fall out of your mouth and get stuck in your hair or our carpet), but it's also EXTREMELY ANNOYING. Thank you.

* I decided it was silly to keep using first letters only when describing my colleagues, it gets too confusing, and I don't think my co-workers mind!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Succumbing to the EEEEEEEVIL...


So one of my younger daughters, who are moving to England in a little less than two weeks, just sent me an invite to view her Facebook page. Which, naturally, means I have to sign up, too. I suppose it was bound to happen, and watch, her twin will be following shortly.

When I have my Facebook info, it's possible I'll post it here. We'll see.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Strangely enough...

my newbie client wasn't from the South, nor did he have an accent. But I still had to smother a snicker stillborn when he said, "Just one question, draws on or off?"

I can fly!!!


And I can kick axe ass, too...;)

This has been speeding around the blogosphere like wildfire...go here and you can be a superhero too!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Preparedness" is not a dirty word...

nor should "survival" conjure images of camo-clad, gun-toting, shaggy-haired, bearded men, living in shacks in the deep forest, mumbling conspiracy theories, either.

Should a disaster, natural or man-made, occur, would you be prepared? Would you survive? Would you have enough food and water, would you have any way to cook your food and stay warm? Do you have any means of protecting yourself and your loved ones from harm?

If you answered "no" to any of these questions (like myself!), tune in tomorrow, Friday night, at 11:00 PM CST, when my friend Mark will be hosting experts on the subject on his blogtalkradio show!

You can bet your ass I'll be listening. And you should too.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

O. M. G........

Remember this?

On Friday, I, along with four other colleagues, will be lip-syncing this in front of hundreds of employees and casino patrons.

What the fuck was I thinking? The first thing you learn in the military is "NEVER VOLUNTEER." I guess the lesson didn't stick. It's even on my day off.


It's for this rally, employee morale boosting, crapola whatever thing. If we win, we get this stuffed monkey. EVERY department wants the stuffed monkey, they'll even try to kidnap it. But it shall be ours, oh yes!

I get to be Posh Spice, now known as Victoria Beckham. Back then, when she wasn't a size -4, she was actually hot. Time to scrounge through my closet...

Oh, and video will possibly be forthcoming!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Overheard in a treatment room....

"I have a crusty mole...right here, in my hair. It looks like a funky cactus!"


Friday, February 06, 2009

Best T-Shirt Slogan EVAR!!!

Seen on a woman at my surgeon's office this morning:

I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.

Okay, then, Mr. Married Classmate!

As I was sitting in my COM101 class after giving a speech, a classmate next to me leaned over and said, "I'm not flirting with you, but GOD, you smell good!"

Allrighty then!

Thanks, I guess.

Thursday, February 05, 2009


So, is it only in Vegas, or do ALL WalMarts check customers' receipts as said customers leave the store? I really want to know. Because, frankly, it pisses me off to have to show some old dude my receipt, so he can scribble some hieroglyphics on it with a highlighter, to prevent store security from tackling my ass on the way to the parking lot, when I'm just trying to get home with my pantiliners and tomatoes!

Okay, rant over.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Stick a fork in me...


Nine fifty-minute massages today. And though I'm sore and tired, I'm crying all the way to the bank.

Also...sad but true: Push-up bra plus actually wearing makeup equals better tips from male clients.

Monday, February 02, 2009

TallyAngel and Chaos...don't read this!

Like THAT would ever work where my kids are concerned!

Observed at the spa's front desk the other day:

(Receptionist S., answering the phone...)

S.: (After obligatory greeting, listing of specials, etc.) You'd like to schedule a massage?...For today or tomorrow?...Do you have a preference for a male or female therapist?...Female? Okay...............
(as she is listening, S. is turning several shades of red; finally, her face resembles a tomato.)

S.(squeaks): NO!!! (slams down the phone.)

Apparently, Dude asked her, "Will the masseuse suck my dick for a happy ending?"

Poor innocent. That's nothing! Heck, I could tell her stories from when I worked the front desk...!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Oddly enough...

even though we were slammed at work today from the moment I walked through the door, the spa was suddenly deserted at 3:00 PM. Hmmmmmm. I wonder why...?

Conversations with Clients (First edition)

First Conversation

Me: So, are there any areas you'd like me to focus on?

Client: Oh, absolutely!

*looks at me expectantly*

Me,thinking: Oh, I'm so sorry, my powers of telepathy seem to be on the fritz at the moment!

Me: And these areas would be...?

Client: Shoulders and neck!

Me: Let's get started then.

Second Conversation (verbatim!)

I'm working on a male client from Arkansas, have just started massaging his back

Client: Excuse me, Miss? Would you mind massaging my butt?

Me, thinking: And would you like some Grey Poupon with that?

*Sorry, just recently re-watched "Wayne's World"!*

Me: No problem, it's a full-body massage!

*My inner snark is improving!*