Tuesday, January 29, 2008


My first service of the day was a 50 minute hot stone massage bright and early at 8:00 AM. The client had never had a hot stone massage before, so I asked her about sensitivity to heat and whether she had any artificial joints. I asked because, believe it or not, the stones are so hot they have been known to melt some of the components of artificial joints...

Client: Nope, don't have any artificial joints.

Me: That's good, because the hot stones could melt them.

C: *gasp* Will they melt my breast implants?!!

Me: *blink blink* Don't worry...I won't be going anywhere near your breasts!

C: *heaves huge sigh of relief*

Sunday, January 27, 2008


Silver and I saw "Cloverfield" last night, and I'm happy to report I didn't get motion sickness. Yay, me.

FWIW, the movie kicks ass, and there're even some funny bits, which I wasn't expecting.

No spoilers here, so I'll just say that if you like that kind of movie, you'll probably enjoy "Cloverfield".

Friday, January 25, 2008

Client Quick Takes

Just a few quickies, since I realize I haven't blogged much about massage except for the "wrong-name" incident the other day.

I massaged a lady a few days ago who warned me that really dry skin ran in her family. She wasn't kidding, either!

Her skin wasn't flaky, just very, very rough. Over her entire body. I've never experienced anything like it. I felt bad for her, and she said that no matter how much water she drinks or lotion she applies, her skin is always like that.

The texture was like that of those really cheap fast-food napkins. At least my hands were nicely exfoliated by the end of the massage!

She was also one of those "massage therapist=expert-about-everything" clients.

Her: Every day when I wake up, the soles of my feet are very stiff and painful. My doctor says it's arthritis...what do YOU think it might be?

Me: WTF, Woman?!

No, not really!

Me: Um, I dunno...maybe it's ARTHRITIS, like your doctor says?!

The odd thing was, my next client had skin like buttah! Very smooth and nice to the touch.

I also did a hot stone massage on a lady yesterday, of course I burnt the crap out of my hands, as always, and when I asked her how she was doing after I turned her over onto her back (I always ask), she said, "I feel like a Gumby!"

I'll take that as a compliment! And I'll take her snoring as such, too.

Today was my day for no-zones, I guess.

First I massaged a gentleman with a torn quadriceps muscle (I didn't ask him which one!), then I massaged a lady with severe varicose veins in both calves. You never, ever massage over varicose veins, EVER. Spider veins are no problem, but if you massage over varicose veins you run the risk of dislodging a clot, which could lead to all sorts of nasty outcomes, like pulmonary emboli or strokes!

So for the guy, I just completely avoided his quads on that leg, and for the lady, I did feathering (very light, gliding touch of the fingertips along the skin) on the affected area.

Sometimes, you just have to work around things.

Another thing I want to add about this.The second client was a massage newbie, always a pleasure, but when it came time for her to turn over onto her back, she let out a rather large *toot*. She apologized profusely, and I told her (and meant it) that it was no problem at all.

Why am I even mentioning this?

Because I want everyone to know that flatulence is OKAY. It's natural, and massage stimulates so many systems in the body that flatulence is fairly common. So don't feel self-conscious if you let one slip (or rip!). Your therapist will take it in stride, I guarantee it.

Yesterday, I had a side-by-side massage with J.H., one of our male therapists.
We're running a special til the end of the month on side-by-side massages, so we're getting a lot of people scheduling them who would normally have a massage alone.

In this case, two female friends were taking advantage of the 20%-off deal.
The unusual part was that J.H.'s client insisted on only getting her back and shoulders massaged, for 50 minutes! So I was doing a full body massage on her friend, about three feet away, and the whole time my client kept saying, "Oh, Jennifer, you don't know what you're missing! You really should get your *insert body part here* massaged!" Or later, "Mmmm, what's that...?"
(I had put a rolled-up hot towel under her neck after I flipped her over)
"Oh, Jennifer this feels sooo gooooood!"

All the while her friend was just trying to enjoy the massage her own way.

I felt like telling her to give it a rest already. I mean, maybe her friend has a good reason not to get a full-body massage. Maybe she's shy, or has been traumatized in some way. How do we know?

What a P.I.T.A my client was, and not a good friend in this situation, as far as I'm concerned.


I won, I won, I won, I won!

And I owe it all to you, my friends.

Thank you so much, I never win anything.

Guess I can't say that anymore, heh.

Have a great weekend!

The Monte Carlo is Burning.

But I'm not fiddling.

Don't worry, I don't work there. A bunch of us spa folk did grab our jackets and run outside to the Strip, and we could see the huge plumes of black and white smoke filling the southern sky.

The flames weren't visible from our vantage point, and this was maybe only half-an-hour after the fire was first reported.


So, I got braces yesterday.


I feel like Ugly Betty, only not as cute.

I've been living off oatmeal and mashed potatoes, but the pain is slowly fading, or else I'm getting used to it. So bring on the cheeseburgers!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Shameless Blegging...

It's crunch time, Folks. Time to step up to the plate. Time to lock and load. Time to pull up your big girl/big boy panties. And any other cliche you can think of!

I'm finally a finalist again in Sparrow's weekly Haiku contest at All Atwitter.

So, please, PLEASE, go, vote, and make me number ONE.

I'd be ever so happy, and ever so grateful!

Thank you in advance, you guys ROCK.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

No longer "made of fail"!

I just got back from my first algebra class. It's been over twenty years since I had math, but it was so easy! So far, so good. I was surprised that we didn't have a little meet'n'greet at the beginning of class, but the professor didn't even introduce herself, much less ask the students' names! She didn't even write her name on the white board, just handed out the syllabi and jumped right in. Eh, it works for me, I'm not there to socialize, I'm there to learn.

Something happened on my way to school that flabbergasted me. I was waiting at an intersection and the guy in the car next to me decided not to wait any longer to continue on his journey. He inched forward to make sure everything was clear and then zoomed across six lanes, against the light. What an idiot! Too bad there were no cops around.

I received some bad news today. I had been planning on being a surrogate one last time, since I AM getting up there in years, at least where pregnancy is concerned, and the coordinator from the agency I used before shot me down. I developed gestational diabetes during the last pregnancy, mainly because I was carrying twins, and I guess the treatment was just too cost-prohibitive for them to risk another pregnancy with me. I have to admit I'm very disappointed. I'd gotten all revved up, ready to go again, and now have to completely rearrange all my plans. I'm going to see if a friend of mine still wants me to have his baby (I know that sounds bad!), but if that's a no-go, I guess I'm done.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I am made of Fail

Today, for the first time ever, I called a client by the wrong name.

Granted, that's not quite as awkward as calling out the wrong name in the throes of passion, but still embarrassing.

In my defense, I corrected myself immediately, and the guest didn't appear to even care that I briefly called him "Mike" instead of "Jim", but the humiliation lingers in my mind.

I'm just like that. Why can't I replay my triumphs over and over again, instead of my foot-in-mouth moments?

I don't know, but I wish I could change it.

When life hands you lemons...

Sometimes, the only thought that gets me through the day is, "When I get home, I can blog about this!" So everything bad that happens turns into blog-fodder.

Also, sometimes I think karma is a bitch.

Take today, for example. There I was, minding my own business, futzing around in my jammies, perusing a site I discovered this morning. Good stuff, by the way, you really should check it out. AFTER you read this, of course.

Have pretty decent plans for the rest of the day. Take Silver to her allergist for her weekly shots, take dogs with us, since the super-awesome-ginormous dog park is just a few blocks away from the doc's. After that, take exhausted doggies home and head out to see "Cloverfield", since Silver is obsessed by it. Should be fun, right?

Maybe I shouldn't have almost gloated in my last post about the fact that I have today off.

My phone rang, and it was my boss, who proceeded to beg and grovel piteously for me to come in to work, Please, Christina, please, it's an emergency, you're my last hope...! I could practically hear the violins in the background.

But did he need another therapist, because everyone else was booked? Oh, nooooo he needed me to man the reception desk and close the spa. Oh, fun.

And I hadn't even showered yet (I told you, that's a damn good website I found!)

So I raced around getting ready, poor pups went in their pen, and Silver and I hit the road. Yes, I took her with me! She still had to get her shots, dammit. So all the way up North to her doctor, then all the way across town to the Strip, all on the surface streets since I'd heard that I15 was shut down for some reason.

Finally clocked in, and reacquainted myself with the front desk procedures. It all came back to me with horrifying rapidity, and after all the hard work I'd put in trying to forget I'd ever even worked the front desk, too!

There outta be a law.

In any case, "Cloverfield" was out, but we did make it home in time to watch "American Gladiators", so all was not lost.

There I go again, making lemonade!

Oh, well, as someone or other once said, tomorrow is another day. (Was it Scarlett?)

Monday, January 21, 2008


No, not me...YOU!

Actually, I'm bored, too, since I have nothing to blog about. Maybe this coming week will be more interesting, since two things are happening that should be good for at least a few posts. I can almost hear you panting in anticipation, as well you should!

Enjoy your respective Mondays...it's MY Sunday, yay! Those of you who have the day off due to the Holiday...enjoy it more!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

*Cue Twilight Zone Theme*...

All day at work yesterday, the chorus from this song was playing on continuous loop in my head. I don't like this song very much. At all.

When I got in my car to head home, I turned on the radio. Three guesses as to which song was playing at that exact moment...and the first two don't count.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Public Service Announcement #4,378

I am a Massage Therapist. Yes, I'm licensed and nationally certified. I'm prohibited from diagnosing OR treating any illness or ailment, it is outside of my scope of practice (yes, even massage therapists have a scope of practice).

If you have something bothering you besides a minor ache or pain, and you want to know what's going on, visit a doctor or chiropractor, that's their job.

Also, I'm NOT St. Christina of the Healing Hands. Don't ask me, after a 50 minute service, twenty of which I spent massaging your back, if I "got rid of" all the knots in your back. I do not perform miracles. How long did it take to GET those knots? Do you still do the same repetitive motions that put the knots there? See where I'm going with this? I can certainly help in the limited time I have, but you need to reassess how you do your work/which sports you do/your posture, AND have regular and frequent massage if you want to "get rid of" all the knots.

Thank you.

This has been a public service announcement from your local massage therapist.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Teen-age strangeness

Since it's my day off and I wasn't doing anything anyway, I picked Silver up from school today. I told her to meet me at the office, since I had to update some contact information. While I was standing at the counter with Silver, filling out the form, a boy walked up to her and started talking. It was almost an ambush, and he asked an odd question, "Do you hate your grandparents?"

I was thinking, WTF?

Silver returned monosyllabic answers, but he didn't or wouldn't take the hint and kept up his bombardment of randomness, Are you turning 16 or 17 this year?, Is this your Mom?, etc.

Silver literally turned away from the boy and finally the secretary shooed him away, since he was obviously distracting ME! I even put my first name in the space for "student's first name" and had to start the whole form over again.

While we were (finally) walking toward the car, I told Silver that I thought she'd been really mean to the boy, so stand-offish, since I was surprised due to the fact that she's usually super-friendly to everyone. She replied that the boy always got on her nerves, even going so far as to pester her for a Christmas present. She explained that everyone thinks she's so nice, but look out if you piss her off:

"I appear to be a nicely-wrapped candy, but if you take a bite, I taste horrible!"

Teenagers are weird.


All the big kids are doing an album cover meme, and I wanna play!

So, since I don't have a working paint program, or anything similar, I have to do the poor-blogger version of it.

My band's name is "Aratiba" and the album is titled "Indispensible to Each Other"...

And here's the album cover:

Even Silver couldn't help me with this one (or she didn't want to!).

H/T to Breda

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Well, isn't THAT special...?!

If you google "flesh eating shroom", my blog is the only thing that pops up.


It's not as hott as "horrible screaming death", but I'll take it!

This one's for you, Chuck

Well, I cave to the pressure, so here are some pics from work.

Here's the infamous side-by-side room, where another therapist and I can massage two people at the same time:


See the white roaster-looking thing in the background on the right? That's where some river stones are cooking in case we get a hot-stone massage.

Behind this door is no-man's land, literally:


It's the back door to the women's spa, which we hustle (female) guests through to avoid leading them through the gym while they're wearing robes.

Here is my second favorite place in the women's spa, the jacuzzi (I like the steam room the best):


It's where Silver spent most of Christmas morning, lucky thing!

Finally, here's a typical massage treatment room, this one happens to be in the women's spa. Basically, if a female therapist is massaging a female client, it will be in one of these rooms.


Not very much space, right? Throw "proper body mechanics" out the window, sometimes you have to be a contortionist to do the massage!

Bored yet? Well, I'm done anyway. I couldn't risk taking pictures that might identify the spa, though of course anyone who's BEEN to this spa will recognize it!

Have a great weekend, Folks...I know I will!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Damn Dogs!

Or rather, damn, stupid Christina for leaving her glasses where the puppies could get them...AGAIN! Just for two minutes while brushing my teeth, while the dogs were peacefully sleeping...I thought.

Here's the result:



And just so you don't leave with that vision of horror, here's the dog park we go to every Sunday. Silver took this pic since she was enchanted by the way the sun illuminated the clouds:


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Just a LEETLE stress.

Except for a little stress due to the registrar's office listing me as a non-resident, I've got nothing to blog about.

Work has been slow, though I've got quite a few services on the books tomorrow, thankfully.

No wacky or otherwise interesting clients.

Nothing going on at home.


I think I'll call this post a bust.

'Night, Folks.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Somebody's pissed off...

Severed Finger Mailed to French Minister

Jan 7, 8:02 PM (ET)

PARIS (AP) - France's justice minister wants to know why someone sent her a severed finger in the mail, a ministry spokesman said Monday.

A package, containing the finger and a letter addressed to Justice Minister Rachida Dati, was opened by the ministry's mail service after it was received Friday, spokesman Guillaume Didier said. He gave no information about what the letter said.

"The minister asked her services to look into this person's situation, to see what could have driven him or her to carry out this act," he said.

Didier said he could not confirm a report in regional daily Ouest France, which said the sender was a former hair-salon owner in western France with business and legal problems, who had cut off part of his own finger and sent it to Dati. Ouest France did not give a source for the information.

So...was it a middle finger?

Monday, January 07, 2008

I forgot one thing.

I forgot to mention that I have a guilty secret, but I'll tell YOU!

It's not like potentially millions of total strangers have access to...oh, wait.

Anyway, here's my secret...

I watched American Gladiators last night. AND I'm planning on watching it again tonight.

Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Observed today...

as I was driving up Torrey Pines toward the college, through an older neighborhood of houses with actual yards, a billy goat.

A white billy goat, complete with horns, hooves, and a beard.

My jaw dropped, and it was a good thing there was no other traffic on the road at that time, or I might have caused a collision.

The weird thing was, the goat didn't appear to be restrained in any way, nor was the front yard completely fenced. It was just calmly grazing at the grass.

I wonder what the laws are regarding the keeping of barnyard animals?

Also seen today during my travels:

A bumper sticker reading:

Your kid may be an honor student, but your driving still sucks!

And a bumper sticker reading:

Excuse me, which circle of hell is this?

Sunday, January 06, 2008


I dreamed last night that I was at my 20th High School Reunion (which is this year), and everyone there, male and female, looked like 20-year-old supermodels.

Except me.

I also dreamed that my ex-husband, his wife, and MY kids were living with MY mother (who died in 1995), and that my kids' stepmom was the daughter my mother always dreamed of having.

I'm glad I woke up.

Slooooooow...(with a minor edit)

It's been very, very slow this week at the spa, with the previously noted exception of New Year's Day.

I had seven services on Tuesday, four on Wednesday, two on Thursday, and only one yesterday (Friday). Yes, I know it's technically Sunday already, but I haven't been to sleep yet so it's still Saturday as far as I'm concerned. Work with me here!

It was so slow in fact, that our boss sent everyone except two therapists and one aesthetician home at 11:30 AM today.

I had two services today, but they were only chair massages. The problem with chair massages is that they're just not worth it to the therapist.

Let me break it down.

If I have a regular, $60 half-hour service, I work 25 minutes and make $15 commission.

If I do two, 15 minute chair massages (at $1 a minute), I work the full 30 minutes and I only make $7.50 commission. Plus, chair massage is hard work! I can't do any gliding strokes, since the client is fully clothed. It's all compressions and petrissage (the kneading strokes where I use my hands a LOT). So I'm pooped but don't make enough money to really make it worthwhile.

Anytime I start thinking about working conventions doing chair massage all day (where you can really make shitloads of money), I remember how tired I am, and how much my hands hurt after doing just a few minutes, and I change my mind!

My clients were actually in their jammies and slippers, which made the whole experience interesting. Naturally they didn't tip me, but I wasn't surprised...
the IDIOT (male) spa attendant, J., asked the one client if she were pregnant! What moron involved in any kind of service or customer service industry would ask a woman that unless she's wearing a t-shirt that says "Baby on Board", or "Bun in the Oven" with a big arrow pointing down?

Sad. Too sad.

Thankfully the International Consumer Electronics Show starts on Monday, we should get plenty of business from the conventioneers and their spouses.

But I won't hold my breath.


After reading Phlegm's comment, I realized I hadn't made it clear that the client was NOT pregnant. So, I state for the record, J. was an idiot who asked a chubby, NOT pregnant, woman whether she was indeed pregnant, causing her to be justifiably pissed off.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Thank you!

Thanks to everyone who voted for me at All Atwitter!
I actually tied for second place, that's the best result I've ever had! Really, I'm just happy to even make the final cut, everyone's haikus are excellent.

So, every Tuesday after midnight EST, head over to All Atwitter and join in the haiku madness! Sparrow does an outstanding job with this contest, and my hat's off to her.

If you do write a haiku, I'll even give you permission to vote for your own entry, instead of mine.

I'm just that kind of person.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

New Year's Resolutions 2008

From now on, I resolve to always draft my blog posts in Notepad first. That way I can avoid the frustration of having my posts vanish mysteriously during publishing.

I had written a nifty post about a lady with a hot bod who insisted on prancing about the spa nekkid, but I really don't feel like recreating the whole thing.

So just use your imaginations.

I also resolve to take better care of myself when doing hot stone massages. Yes, it feels great to the client when the stones are really, really hot, but I don't have to practically give myself first-degree burns on the palms of my hands to do a good job.

Today I only had two massages, one at 9:30 AM and the other at 3:00 PM. Talk about a day that drags and drags and drags...well, you get the idea!

The lady in the morning would have benefited from a shower. She was super nice and we chatted during the entire massage, but she smelled.

Turns out she literally rolled out of bed, saw her companions were still sleeping, and decided to head over to the spa to see if we had any openings.

Before the massage was scheduled to begin, she had half-an-hour to shower, but she just threw on her robe, sat in the lounge area, and talked on her cell phone.

She reeked of sweat and smoke from the casino, and I could tell while doing the scalp massage I was dealing with yesterday's hairspray.

After the massage she headed into the jacuzzi, THEN she took a shower and did the typical grooming stuff.


When I headed to the front desk to pick up the ticket for my three o'clock, I was greeted by three extremely excited young women.

"Oh my God! Christina, you won't believe how hot this guy is!"

"His eyes, his smile...!"

"He's totally built, you're so lucky!"

Etc., etc., ad nauseam.

After I retrieved my client from the men's spa and escorted him to the treatment room, I had a moment while he was situating himself on the table to run up front to tell the girls one thing...

"Oh, puh - LEAZE."

I guess what you find hot at 21 differs substantially from what you find hot at 37!

Thank GOD.

Vote for ME!

Sparrow says it's okay, so I'm totally, shamelessly begging for your vote.

Go here and vote for me.

You know you want to...

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Too pissed off.

Too pissed off to write now. Blogger ate my post. Fuck it.

Happy New Year!

My year started off with a bang...back-to-back-to-back-to-back (etc., etc.) massages!
I'm exhausted but it's sooooo worth it, considering how slow business has been since Thanksgiving.

Naturally many of the clients were hungover, but I didn't get puked on, so all is well. My eight o'clock client showed up late (of course), I'm just happy she made it in at all!

I was amazed at how many people were hitting the gym early in the morning. Wonder if they'll still be so dedicated in a week or two...

Our spa attendant for the women's spa called in sick today.

I know I should give her the benefit of the doubt, but does she seriously think anyone at work believes her?!

If you know you have to be at work at 8:00 AM on New Year's Day, don't party like a rock star on New Year's Eve!

I surprised myself by staying up until 1:00 AM last night, though going to sleep earlier would have been futile anyway...the fireworks drove my dogs into a brief, but very violent and vocal frenzy. Who knew? They didn't react like this on Independence Day!

Maybe the fireworks weren't so loud then.

Anyway, I want to wish all my faithful readers, even the ones who DON'T leave comments (you know who you are!) a wonderful, prosperous, and healthy 2008. May every succeeding year only get better, because you all deserve it.