Monday, December 31, 2007

Can't get it out of my head

The current song on continuous play inside my noggin:

"Empty Walls", by Serj Tankian of System of a Down fame.

I just saw the video for the first time and am equally creeped out and blown away by it.

Anyone who can come up with lyrics like these, and sing them repeatedly without getting his tongue tangled, totally ROCKS:

Don't you see their bodies burning
desolate and full of yearning
dying of anticipation
choking from intoxication

I also love this little tidbit that he sings in the background toward the end of the song:

I loved you yesterday, before you killed my family...

He does all the vocals himself on this song.

Incredible. Superglued inside my brain.

Sunday, December 30, 2007


Just drinking my coffee and checking out my SiteMeter report, and already I've come across some weird Google searches:

gluteal cleft massage

Come on now, I TOLD you that's a no-no!

spanking home coming

I really don't want to know.

massage tales

Somehow I have the feeling that the kind of stories I tell aren't the ones this person is looking for...

nice mom

Awwwwww. Thanks!

bjork sucks

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! This search popped up FOUR TIMES.

massage breast bolster

I don't know how much MY blog can help you with that one...

milky mamas


lucrative pain

From the location, I know this was my big brother, who I guess didn't want to ask me for the url...

I LOVE SiteMeter.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Only my daughter...

could look at me calmly from across the table at our favorite Chinese restaurant and say:

"I need some evil minions."

Friday, December 28, 2007

One thing you definitely don't want to hear...

after you ask your client how he's doing today (and he's already on the table), "Hungover!"



I must have done something right, because not only was there a check from my Dad in the mailbox today (and let it be known that my Dad is, shall we say, frugal), but there was also a notice stuck in my door from the apartment management, stating I had a credit on my account and should subtract $85.00 from January's rent!

I have no idea what credit they are referring to, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. My name was on the letter and everything!

Now I don't have to sweat this semester's tuition! Yay! I can enroll in the two classes I need to take.

What a relief.

Christmas Day

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas!

I had to work from 8 to 1 on Christmas Day, but I was sneaky. I exploited a loophole, booked my daughter an eyebrow waxing at 8, and was able to take her to work with me. See, having a service entitles the guest to the use of the facilities at the spa for the entire day, so Silver got to sit in the jacuzzi and chill while I was busting my ass doing massages.

Yup, for some bizarre reason it was actually busy, a rare occurrence at this time of year, according to the "oldtimers" at the spa.

After work, we went straight to the Rio, to the Carnival World Buffet, our favorite, for Christmas dinner. It's never made sense to me to cook the whole holiday meal for two people.

We had to wait for about an hour-an-a-half just to get in, but boy, was it worth it!
Of course, being me, we had a nifty little bottle of hand sanitizer on our table and used it religiously. Some of the other patrons grossed me out!

After getting home, and taking naps, glorious naps, we played MapleStory, a free on-line MMORPG. Silver convinced me to create a character, and now we go bravely forth, together, to slay cartoon snails and cute, but deadly mushrooms.

All in all, a very fun Christmas!

A (Sad) Sign of our Times...


I didn't know it was for sale.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

On my way home from work today...

I saw a man pissing on the side of a dumpster.

Such are the joys of my life.

Also, just as I was getting into my blog-reading, two Mormon Missionaries appeared at my door.

Silver concurs with me that I was extremely polite, but I did tell them that I couldn't talk with them about religion because I didn't want to get REALLY ANGRY.

They get bonus points for admiring my dogs.

5 Worst Ways to Wake Up

1. Alarm clock

2. Banging/slamming drawers, cupboards, microwave doors, etc.

3. Being licked on my inner thigh...BY MY DOG (eeewwww)

4. Being licked on my face (b.m.d.)

5. Being licked anywhere else (b.m.d.)

Friday, December 21, 2007

"Breakroom Conversations" or "Christina is Weird!"

A few days ago G., the lead aesthetician at the spa, celebrated her birthday.

My colleague B. brought in a delicious cake and we performed the obligatory serenade before scarfing down the goodies.

One of us asked, "Anybody got milk?"

B., mother of an infant and currently breastfeeding, jokingly raised her hand, causing all of us to start laughing.

I was staring at B., a bizarre thought in my head, and she caught me at it.


B.: What?!

Me: Oh, it's nothing, really!

B.: Seriously, what's going on?

Me: Well, I was just wondering...if a lactating woman were stranded on a desert island, how long could she survive by living off of her own breast milk...?

B.: You're weird, you know that? You read too much!
(Implying, I suppose, that all the fiction I read makes my imagination go wild.)

Me(thinking): *That's not possible. There's no such thing as reading too much.*

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Hmmm, let me see...the answer is NO!!!

Had a lady come in with her mom today for a side-by-side massage.

They were of foreign extraction, though I'm not sure of the flavor.

She proceeded to tell the front desk people, loudly and with other guests present, that she was having her period.

Why, you ask? Because she was of the opinion she should get a longer massage AT NO EXTRA CHARGE because she wasn't able to use the facilities (the jacuzzi, sauna, and steam room) due to being on the rag.

Excuse me, Lady, but how is it OUR problem that you're riding the menstrual train?

Ever heard of tampons?

Needless to say we denied her request, but the massage went very smoothly regardless.

She was very happy with the service and actually tipped me SIX WHOLE DOLLARS!!! (/sarcasm)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Client Vignettes

I really love my job. One of the best parts about it is all the wonderful, interesting people I meet.

Many of my clients don't say a word during the massage, and that's fine! I just let my mind wander, and it's almost like a mini-nap, very refreshing.

But when the client and I get to chatting, that's when it gets interesting.

In no particular order, here's a run-down of some of my clients over the past week or two:

- the Paris Hilton look-alike. I have to say that I immediately jumped to certain conclusions about her, which she proceeded to demolish. Bad Christina, no cookie for you! She was extremely friendly and personable, and a very good tipper (always a bonus).

- the ER doc from Colorado, who commutes to a hospital in Oklahoma. He spends his spare time ridding Oklahoma of feral pigs, which are apparently a plague, since they breed like rabbits and have no predator besides man.
He also bow-hunts and cooks for the nurses and other staff at the ER. What was remarkable about him was the absence of the notorious "doctor's ego"; as a matter of fact he told me that he didn't hang out with other doctors for just that reason. A really down-to-earth gentleman.

- the Education professor from Arkansas, who just lost her husband a few months ago.
"I teach others how to teach," is how she put it. Sometimes I feel like a hairdresser, considering the things people tell me, a total stranger! She talked and talked about her late husband, who just dropped dead with no warning signs whatsoever.

- the naive pharmaceutical rep from Pennsylvania, married with four children, who asked me, "Are the girls in the back of the truck?" while referring to these, seen everywhere on the Strip and in its vicinity.

And my personal fave:

- the 25-year-old farrier from Michigan, who was raised Amish, decided it wasn't for him, started his own business at 19, and now has to refuse new clients because he's too busy. He also dreams of going pro as a calf-roper and bull-rider. I googled his name and found some of his local stats. Cool. When he's famous, I'll squee like a fangirl and ask him if he needs a personal full-time massage therapist!

As much as I bitch about clients leaving their underwear on, I never thought I'd see a woman who left her BRA on! What an idiot! J., who was her therapist during the side-by-side massage (I was massaging hubby, who had ALL his clothes off, thankyouverymuch), had to ask her politely to remove the bra.

I also massaged a gentleman with an invisible ass. Seriously, this man was completely flat from shoulders to feet. Baby did NOT have back! It was just kinda odd, and threw me off a little.

Bjork sucks.

After we had dinner at the Rio, we headed across the street to the Palms, one of only two casinos we go to to watch movies.

Fandango tickets in hand, we had plenty of time before the movie was scheduled to begin.

UNFORTUNATELY, Bjork is having a concert tonight at the Pearl theater at the Palms.

Which means we couldn't find parking. At all.

We left without seeing Will Smith's rippling, naked muscles on the big screen.

That's truly a sacrifice.

Now I can only hope that they honor the tickets tomorrow when we go to the afternoon show...

Etiquette Question

So, my dear readers, I have a question for you. Mainly for the Texicans out there (and anyone else who lives in a place where cowboy hats are popular).

Is it considered de rigueur to keep one's hat on one's head when eating in a restaurant?

Silver and I were at the Carnival World Buffet at the Rio this evening, which is touted as Las Vegas' largest, and there was a veritable sea of hats-on-heads visible.

I've mentioned a time or two (or three, or four...) that I have a liking for cowboys, which goes into overdrive during NFR every year. I'd hate to have my illusions (and fantasies!) shattered due to bad manners!

I'm waiting to be educated. Thanks.

Friday, December 14, 2007

More Pissed-offness...

at Silver's Pep band performance (aka "Varsity Basketball Game").

Here's Silver night before last at her symphonic orchestra concert (yes, that's a new hair color, yet again!):

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

And here she is last night at the basketball game:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I have a new pet peeve, if you will, to add to all the assholes who aggravated me at the concert the other night.

Obnoxious parents at high school sporting events.

I wanted to either put a bullet in my brain, or tear off my ears and stuff them in this dude's mouth, to shut him the hell up.

I wish someone would explain to him that screaming/chanting, "Defense - Defense - Defense - Defense!", or my favorite, "MORE Defense - MORE Defense - MORE Defense - MORE Defense!" for the entire duration of the game does not add anything to ANYONE'S experience of said game.

Not to mention potentially distracting the players, instead of "inspiring" them.

Of course, he mixed in, "Offense - Offense - Offense - Offense!" whenever our team had the ball.

He only stopped during timeouts.

I was never more glad for the sheer volume the band produces indoors, 'cause they were the only thing that drowned him out (briefly).

I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Homicidal Rage

What the fuck is up with people today?

Since when is it okay to read a gossip rag IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCHOOL CONCERT?

I don't care if your Mom made you go and you couldn't give two shits about your dorky little sister's cello playing, you'd better show some respect.

The same goes for the assholes text messaging, talking, and eating.

I could feel the enamel on my back molars disintegrating under the pressure of the grinding and clenching I was subjecting them to. I visualized several scenarios where I would look like an ass, like jumping up and screaming, "Shut the FUCK UP! They're trying to PLAY here!"

Alas, that gratification shall remain fantasy.

But at least I have this blog.

The worst offenders were the couple whose son was a violinist in the advanced orchestra.

The mom spent the whole concert catching her son's performance on video, all the while completely ignoring her rampaging toddlers.

The "little darlings" scampered between the rows and in the aisles, the folding seats always hitting the seat backs with a bang! every time they got up. Also the one girl was shlepping a big bottle of gatorade around, except for when she repeatedly dropped it, causing a loud thump! followed by rumbling as it rolled downhill toward the stage, which both little girls found highly amusing. I wanted to smack the parents, constantly and soundly.

Hubby/Daddy just sat there, two rows behind them, like a lump, occasionally miming, "shhhhhh!", with his finger to his lips, causing the one fruit of his loins to mimic him by whistling like a steam kettle during a particularly touching orchestral movement.

Next time get abuela to watch the brats, okay? (Was that racist? Oh, well.)
It's not like the three-year-olds appreciated the cultural enrichment the parents were providing them, or that they would remember watching and listening to their brother play, anyway!

And who the hell dresses fraternal twins in matching, ugly and ratty pink sweat suits for a fucking concert, anyway?

Which leads me to also rant about appropriate dress. If the boys and girls on stage can wear tuxedos and formal gowns, respectively, why the hell are the audience members in jeans and sweats? Fucktards.

One concert down and one to go, plus about five more pepband performances to watch at the basketball games.

Oh, joy.

Monday, December 10, 2007


So far, my weekend has been non-catastrophic. That's good!

I took a "nap" that lasted until 3PM, with my pups providing extra warmth (my feet were cold).

Then Silver and I packed up and headed to the Palms. We had dinner at the Bistro Buffet (which really isn't all that special). Highlight there: A gal with a t-shirt bearing the slogan "I beat my boyfriend at Guitar Hero!"

That was amusing, at least to me.

Then we saw "The Golden Compass" at Brenden Theatres. Awesome, awesome movie. I don't know what crawled up the critics' collective ass, but I thought the movie people did a good job of translating the book to the screen. Didn't butcher it too much. Considering that the author of the trilogy, Philip Pullman, wrote the screenplay, that's not too surprising. Dakota Blue Richards, the girl who plays Lyra, did an outstanding job with the role.

That's it as far as reviewing goes, 'cause (as I've mentioned before), I really, really suck at writing reviews. I know when I like something, and when I don't, but don't ask me to explain why. I'll get Silver to write one, maybe, then I can link to it, since she LOVES writing reviews and critiques and is good at it, too.

That's my Sunday report, hope you all are having fun!

Sunday, December 09, 2007


As a massage therapist there are many avenues of employment open to me. I chose the spa setting because I wanted a relaxing workplace environment, one where stress stays far, far away.

I guess I shoulda read the fine print, or something.

First off, the fact that business has been glacier slow has everyone at each other's throats. Needless to say everyone's paychecks have been affected, too.

Then there was the lovely scene we had on Wednesday, where six security guards, a mix of uniformed and plainclothes, arrived to "escort" two spa employees off the property.

So long! Have a nice life!

And if anyone knows what was going on, they're not talking. Which means the gossip-mill is running overtime.

The only info we got was a memo Thursday morning, informing the spa staff that Ms.C. and Mr.A had "resigned their positions", yeah right!

To cap it all off, like the cherry on top of a shit sundae, I had to refuse a service yesterday on a lady who was four weeks pregnant (hotel policy - NO massage whatsoever during the first trimester, and this lady hadn't even seen her OB yet). Since SHE couldn't get a massage, her two friends who were booked with other therapists cancelled, too.

Ms. Popularity I ain't at the moment, though really my colleagues were very cool about it.

Outside of the spa, I've had drama galore, too. Wednesday on my way to work a guy was furiously honking at me, until I dared to roll my window down to see what was up.

Turns out my brake lights weren't working. Great. I got out of work early (it's slow, remember?) and headed over to my mechanic. They had to practically take my car apart to figure out where the burnt-out switch was ('cause of course it couldn't be something as simple as a mere light-bulb replacement), and the new switch wasn't available from the dealership until Thursday morning. There goes my Christmas money.
Plus I had to walk home from the auto-shop AND walk back the next day to pick my car up. And I was late to work, too. Of course.

Let's not forget the little tid-bit about my dogs eating my glasses. Well, almost. They did chew them up and eat the nose pieces and temples. That was Wednesday night.

Then there was the necessity of taking one of my pups to the vet. Why? Because the little shit blows himself so much his doggie pecker got stuck in the "out" position!
After two days of exposure I figured I'd better get him checked out. Now I'm in the unique position of having to use "personal lubricant" on my dog's wang if it gets stuck again, oh joy. Hey, wouldn't some people pay money for pics of that? If it's YOU, I really don't want to know...

Hope you guys are having a great weekend.

I'm not going to curse myself by saying that my weekend couldn't be any worse than the week leading up to it.

Oh, shit, too late.

Forgot to mention the fact that I jacked-up my right thumb today, too. Which makes massaging people just a wee bit difficult. Not to mention typing. A bag of frozen peas is calling my name, c-ya...

Monday, December 03, 2007


Excuse me, but I call bullshit.

Taken from the KLAS Channel 8 website:

A runner from Russia, Sylvia Skvortsova, won the Las Vegas Marathon 2007 with an unofficial finishing time of 2:29:02. The top men's finisher is Christopher Chebobibich from Kenya, who will take home $20,000. His unofficial finishing time was 2:16:49. The women are given an 18 minute lead in the race and this is the first time a woman has won the challenge.

How can someone WIN a marathon if she doesn't have the best time?
I'm not knocking Sylvia's accomplishment, which is remarkable, but just because she was the first person over the finish line doesn't make her the winner.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Honorable Mention

I've been honored by Joey at Vegas Links with a review and recommendation of my blog.

I'm so excited, I could squeeeeeee like a little girl (actually, I already did!)

This is a very nice start to my weekend, that's for sure.

Let me just say...

that I saw "too much" during a massage today.

I was getting ready to work on a guy's leg and glute, had already draped it, when he decided he wasn't comfortable enough and spread his legs



on the table.

Unfortunately, the sheet stayed where I had put it, so the guy flashed me his sack.

For a split second I thought, "Oh, yeah. THAT'S what they look like. I forgot."

Then I quickly re-draped the leg and got back to work.