Saturday, January 29, 2011

Overheard in a University of North Dakota Dining Facility*...

Silver's been dealing with fatigue, weakness, and (seemingly) never-ending hunger...

Ian: So, what did the doctor say?

Silver: Well, all my bloodwork is normal. He told me to eat more!

Ian (glancing down incredulously at Silver's piled-to-the-rafters tray, which is pretty much the norm for her): You already plunge half of the world's population into famine at every meal, and he wants you to eat MORE?!

Silver (cheerfully): Yep!

Ian merely shakes his head and keeps eating.

Personally, I think there's no justice in the world!

*As related to me by my daughter

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dear Mr. K...

your breadth and scope of knowledge of Anatomy is truly remarkable and something I can only aspire to. That doesn't change the fact that blood is not 5x as "vicious" as water (or at least, I hope it's not!). Also, "allele" doesn't rhyme with "ukelele". Just thought you might want to know...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Another Tucker...

and a musical one, to boot! I've always planned on learning how to play the piano someday, so that I accompany myself when I sing. I hope I have at least as much heart as the Schnoodle Tucker does when he "sings"!

What truly amazes me is how he appears to be reading the sheet music!

H/T Buck, thanks for the laugh, buddy!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Seen on a Bumper Sticker...

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I already work there...
and I'd hate to see you every day!"


"I have good brakes, I hope you have good insurance!"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Waste of my time...

and the client's money.

Had a young client yesterday who was having a couple's massage with his even younger girlfriend. He was a massage newbie, and when asked about areas of concern or focus, he merely told me he had a large knot in his lower back from years of playing tennis. Good enough, I thought.

When we do couple's massages here, we start our clients face-up, since we finish with hot stones on the back. So I did the relaxation-aroma therapy thingy, then began my first stroke up the client's traps to his neck...and he completely spazzed. His entire torso came up of the table, twisting, as he threw his head back..."Oh, sorry...I'm extremely ticklish!"

No shit, Sherlock.

Oh. My. God. It never stopped. He was ticklish EVERYWHERE. Didn't matter how firm I made my touch or where I touched him, he jerked and spasmed, twitched and tensed, giggling mostly silently. I was rolling my eyes at Elisha, who was massaging the girlfriend, and she was trying not to laugh. She told me later that she thought at first the guy was having a seizure. He apologized periodically throughout the massage, but I didn't give a crap. I was grimly determined to see this through to the bitter end.

I think, barring labor and childbirth, that those were the longest fifty minutes of my life. I was never so glad to have a massage be over, that's for sure.

Funny thing is, he said he enjoyed the massage and he still tipped me. It wasn't enough, though. Trust me, it wasn't enough.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Seen at a Local Target

A dude wearing a t-shirt that read:

It's Only Kinky the First Time

I loled inside...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Start of the New Semester!



Oh, noes!

It is a catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions: The kittens are taking over!

Not satisfied with the dog-bed...


they've moved on to MINE!


That's okay, though. I love 'em and they're soft and purrrrrrrry. :)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


...the joys of living in the trailer park! If I didn't live here, I'd miss gems like this:


And that would truly be a shame.

I need to be faster...

getting out the door with the dogs after I wake up.

I apparently wasn't fast enough for Harley this morning, since instead of waiting for me to get my shoes on and open the door for him, he hopped into the cats' litter-box, trailing his leash no less, and peed there.

The funniest thing about all this was that after we had returned from our walk, the cats had buried Harley's deposit. Now THAT'S what I call service!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Philosophical Debate...

Ahhh, my colleague Linda, occasional pain in the ass she might be, is always a good source of blog-fodder. Case in point: the debate we got into yesterday...

Linda is ALWAYS griping about heavy clients. Hell, she'll inform *you* that your client is "huge" if she caught a glimpse of said client before you had a chance to. Why? I have no idea. It seems to be one of her missions in life. That being said, she really took the cake yesterday when she proclaimed the following:

Linda: You know, we really should charge fat people more for massage.


Linda: Seriously! If I massage a 400-pound person, that's like massaging 2 200-pound people!

Me: First of all, that's discriminatory. Second of all, that's completely untrue, as our clients get timed services. A fifty or eighty-minutes massage is just that. A fat person might end up not getting as *thorough* a massage, since there is more body to work on, but the same goes for someone who is very muscular or really tall. Hell, I massaged a man so tall, he had to duck to get through the door, should we have charged him more? What about the lady I massaged earlier? She was 5 feet tall if she stretched, and maybe weighed 80 pounds, should we give her a discount?!

Linda: Airlines charge fat people more if they have to use two seats!

Me: Yeah, because they're taking up space that another customer could have used, that makes sense. We're not using more time on heavy clients.

Linda (whining now): But it's more WORK for me, so I should get more money!

Me: How is it more work? You need to remember to adjust your table if your client is particularly large, that's all.

Linda: I guess it would be a bit difficult to implement. After all, some people might weigh 275, but look like they weigh 300...

Me (facepalm): So, we'd need to have a scale here, and WEIGH the clients who appear questionable? Charge all clients by the pound?

We left the discussion there, pretty much. Funny thing is, Linda is by no means svelte. So how did she end up so fat-phobic...?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Way to go, SpaCorp!

My (hitherto) wonderful employer has been becoming more and more corporate, and it cheeses me off.

The latest new policy is bag checks. Yep, they show how much they trust their employees by looking through our bags and backpacks before we can leave.

I understand this is a pretty common practice in a retail environment, but we are a SPA. The technicians are rarely at the front desk/retail area, and when we are, we are never alone. I know the spa coordinators and managers enjoy doing this about as much as we enjoy having them do it, but "orders is orders", apparently. Hmph. Reminds me of the TSA agents and the "enhanced" pat-downs...

No, Tucker, NO!

So, the other night I was gratefully settling into bed, already drifting off before the dogs got situated in their regular spots; Harley curled up behind my knees, and Tucker against my belly/torso. Harley wasted no time, burrowing under the covers and snuggling in. Tucker, however, decided to snarf the last of the dogfood quickly, he hoovered the leftovers in seconds, then jumped up onto the bed, curling up against me as I held the covers up for him.

Not five seconds later I heard an ominous *uuuuuuuurp*, followed by a rattling/gagging sound...UGH! Tucker proceeded to barf up all the food he'd just gorged on, leaving three piles of undigested yet mushy dogfood on the bed.

Gee, thanks dog!

It was another fifteen minutes (at least) before I finally was able to go to sleep.

At least the food wasn't wasted. I carefully dumped the vomitus on a wee-wee pad, and Harley had eaten it up before I got back from starting the laundry.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Overheard during a sugaring...

My friend John and I do trades. I give him a massage, and he gives me a Brazilian. Using sugar.

He has a big flat screen TV hanging on the wall opposite the treatment chair, so that his victims clients have something to distract them from the excruciating pain of having their nether (and other) hair ripped out by the roots.

During our session today, some Hollyweird gossip show was on, and they were blathering on and on about some wench named Snookie, who was unfamiliar to me, so I asked John what was what.

Me: So, who's this Snookie person?

John: A bimbo from Jersey who's on a reality show. The only thing she's got going for her are her huge boobs.

Me: Are they real?

John: Who cares?! Hey, if I can touch them, they're real!

He has a point. And he made me laugh. No small feat, considering what he was doing to me at the time...

Sunday, January 09, 2011


North Texas version.

They closed the spa early because the roads are a mess and only looking to get worse as the temperatures drop, so I headed home (VERY carefully) and whipped out my camera as the dogs non-frolicked in the snow.




Time for me to hunker down and snuggle in. Lunch, then a hot bath, followed by a nap. Sounds like the recipe for a fine, fine afternoon!

TallyAngel has been shaken...

and I don't blame her. My poor baby!

Friday, January 07, 2011

Advice/Info Bleg

For my daughter, Silver.

She has created a website and now needs to find a hosting site or a server or something of that sort. Here are the specs she gave me, which are completely over my head:

-6 MB of disc space

-Supports MySQL and PHP5

-Needs to have Apache2 or have the possibility of installing Apache2 on it

-Can't be too expensive (MUST be cheap, in other words!)

Anybody have any advice for her? Please email her at

Thanks, Y'all!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Oh no they di-in't!!!!

Fucking AARP. What do I have to do to get them to leave me alone?!


Movie Reviews?

We ain't got no stinkin' movie reviews!

I will say one thing, though..."True Grit" and "Tangled"? GO SEE THEM.

Both excellent in totally different ways and for completely different reasons.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

It's the Twenty-First Century...

and has been for a decade now, so why the fuck would any twenty-something college student living in a first-world country NOT believe in evolution? I just don't get it.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Is there any reason why...

a person would have a Roman numeral II tattooed on her right butt-cheek? Suggestions in comments, please.