Big Day

I'm aware that for probably 99.9% of the country today is the big day, and I agree that the elections are of extreme importance, but for me, tomorrow is the big day: Surgery Day!

I must report to the hospital no later than 6:00 AM, and I should be home no later than noon. Probably sooner. I just pity my poor friend A. and her husband, who agreed to drive me there and back BEFORE we knew what time I had to be there!

They totally rock, by the way.

So I'll keep everyone updated on how things went and on my progress. Two days of clear liquids then three weeks of thick liquids (protein shakes, etc.)

Wish me luck, Guys.

Rich people are cheap...

or they can be...



click to embiggen

I'm simply overwhelmed by this client's generosity.

Now you must excuse me, please.

I have to go see if anyone wants to buy a kidney, slightly used...

---

EDIT: I wanted to add that this was a pre-tip, too. In case you were thinking, "Well, maybe the services sucked and the client didn't think you guys deserved more!"

Extremes

I'm weird in what I find attractive in a man in one respect, and that's hair.

I lurve really long hair on guys, or short-short-short, i.e. military buzz-cut or BALD. I don't know why, that's just how I roll.

One of my clients today was a very young man who really reminded me of one of my favorite Sluggy Freelance characters, Riff. If you click on the link, scroll down and you'll see the blond guy with the trenchcoat and sunglasses, and PONY TAIL. Mmmmmmmm.

Needless to say my favorite part of this particular massage was the scalp massage at the end. I got to play with all his lovely hair, squeeeeeee!

*AHEM*

In a totally professional manner, of course.

Marriage

I received an offer of marriage today.

From a client.

A female client.

After the massage, when I asked her how she felt, she said, "That's it! I'm divorcing my husband, leaving my kids and my dog, and moving to Vegas to marry you! Do they have gay marriage in Nevada?"

I replied, "No, unfortunately not."

She shot back with, "That's okay. I'll just move in with you then!"

To which I responded, "As long as you pitch in with the rent!"

*snort*

Usually I just have people wanting to take me home with them, so this was a first.

End of an Era

Tonight was Silver's last high school football game. The last time I'll be forced to watch one of the worst football teams EVAR. For the last four years I've been going to these games like clockwork, all to watch the band. Since it was the last homegame, it was Senior Night, where the senior members of the band and colorguard are recognized. I shouted myself hoarse when Silver's name was announced. I'm so proud I could bust! She's really come a long way since her freshman year!

Here she is with some yahoo throwing around a nerf football in the background (hey, it's not exactly easy to take pictures in a busy venue like a football stadium, okay?!):



I really like this pic, since she has her clarinet, too:



Here's a picture of us together; It only looks like I'm holding onto her for dear life...honestly, I'm ready for her to leave the nest (and if you believe that...)!



Here's the line-up of cheerleaders on their weird boxes/podiums. They only use these during the second half of the game for some reason.



And here's the final picture of us together after the game, before she disappeared into the band room for the last time this season...*sigh*. Next year my life will be totally different, and I have yet to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just don't know.

Use me.

As I was driving my daughter to school this morning a song called "Use Me" by Hinder was playing on my favorite radio station. While I don't much care for the lead singer's voice, the song amuses me, as most songs that are blatantly, in-your-face about sex do.

Here's the song:



And here are the lyrics, in case you can't stomach listening to the end (hey, I know some of you don't like this kind of music!):

She wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire.
She says she loves me, but I know she's a liar.
The sex is good, but God she's got no desire.
That's alright. She's takin' me home tonight.

She's kind of cold, but yet she's hot on the outside.
Last night got nasty and I'm still kind of tongue tied.
I hate to say it, but she brings out my sick side.
That's alright. She's takin' me home tonight.

Chorus:

She's got whole lot of love (Any way you want it)
But it's never enough
(Finish what you started)
Take me to heaven above
(And leave me brokenhearted)
But I won't be a fool and fight it.
She's gonna use me but I like it. Yeah, yeah.

I bet she's wonderin' if I'm worth her while.
She's judge and jury and she's got me on trial.
But I ain't sweatin' cause I'm first on her speed dial.
Yeah, that's right, she's takin' me home tonight.

She always leaves and makes me feel kind of sleazy.
It's kind of cool because she already pleased me.
I'm lying here just thinking this is too easy.
Yeah, that's right, she's takin' me home tonight.

Chorus ad nauseam

ANYway...so we're cruisin' along and a thought occurs to me. I turn to Silver and say, "You know, I could totally sing this song! I could change the genders around and it would work. But how come, when a guy sings it, you chuckle and think what a stud he is, having no-strings sex with a hot babe, but if I sang it, I would come across as a total victim, someone with self-esteem issues who needs lots of therapy?"

Silver sighed, "It's just the old double standard."

Such wisdom, Young Grasshopper!

Thank God I didn't have to massage her...

As I was standing in the doorway of my treatment room yesterday, during a lull in services, I noticed a woman in the locker area getting undressed. Normally I look away in these cases (unless the woman's really smokin' hot), but something on her right shoulder caught my eye.

She had a tattoo of a PENIS with TESTICLES on her back. I repeat: a tattoo of a PENIS with TESTICLES.

In pink.

It wasn't life-sized, or at least I hope it wasn't supposed to be life-sized, but it was still a good four inches long, that's including the sack.

Why? That's all I'd like to know.

Two years.

It was two years ago today that I started this little adventure. Blogging provides me with a wonderful ranting/venting outlet, and a place to share the sometimes odd things I find amusing.

Thanks to all of you wonderful readers and bloggers out there. You encourage and inspire me.

I hope I can continue to do my small part in entertaining YOU.

A picture's worth a thousand words...

Nostalgia

One of the things I remember best about my physical exam before I joined the Air Force (back in the day), was when they were measuring my lung volume and the nurse asked if I was a swimmer.

"No," I replied. "I'm a singer!"

I've always sung in some capacity, whether for my own enjoyment or in various choirs all over the world. Come over some time and I'll show you my scrap book with all the newspaper clippings! One's even in Croatian, and I have no idea what it says.

The past few years have been so hectic and stressful that singing was simply put aside. I'm always so busy that except for during my drive to and from work, I don't sing at all.

Sparrow over at All Atwitter had an interesting post about her choir and a recent performance, and how she regrets that a favorite piece of hers was dropped.

The piece, "Lux Arumque" by Eric Whitacre, is also one of my favorites, but reading about it brought back memories of years ago, when I was a member of the Las Vegas Master Singers.

Here is one of the works that we performed while I was a member(2002-2003), also an especial favorite of mine.

Cloudburst, also by Eric Whitacre.




I know that the piece is very long, but stick with it until the end, please. It's absolutely beautiful and unusual, and it's a joy to sing.

Someday I'll perform onstage again!

(h/t to Sparrow)

Invasion

I was invaded by the Panty Brigade today. The first four massages I had were ladies of a certain age...and they all kept their undies on. And all of said undies were of the type affectionately known as "Granny Panties." Explain to me how I'm supposed to massage your lower back, which you asked me to focus on, if your underwear goes all the way up to your waist?! Granted, I can roll the waistband down a little, but that (literally) only goes so far. And no, I won't massage your glutes by reaching into or under your panties. You're the one who put that barrier there, and I have to respect it. If you want your 'tocks massaged, take the frickin' underwear off BEFORE YOU GET ON THE TABLE. What, it's okay for me to touch it, but God forbid I actually SEE your ass?! Give me a break.

I laughed until I snorted...

upon seeing the following on a client's health form, under "Medications":

Viagra, as needed.

Did I REALLY need to know that?!

Why?

How did the woman in this case in any way, shape, or form help her boyfriend?

Not to mention that he was an illegal immigrant to France, plus had been convicted of crimes on numerous occasions. And he has a wife and kid back in Armenia.

So now the lady's dead, after suffering horrific, self-inflicted pain. And the dude still faces deportation.

I just don't get some people.

Duhr...

I'd like to preface this little tale by reminding you that I'm really, truly NOT blonde, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

The steering in my car has been a little shaky at slow speeds lately, and my tires were looking a little tired (cue rim shot, please), so I called my local Discount Tire today and made an appointment to get the tires checked. You know, tire pressure, check the alignment, making sure I hadn't picked up any nails, etc. I bought all four tires there a while back, so any checks and patching are free. :)

I picked Silver up from school and we headed to the Discount Tire, parked, and went inside.

Wow. We both commented on how the whole interior of the store had changed, that they'd moved around a lot of stuff. Basically it wasn't at all how we remembered it from last year.

I got in line and made my way up to the register, where I told the clerk that I was there for my 2:30 appointment to get my tires checked. He looked at me blankly for a moment, then said, "Tires checked? This is Autozone, the Discount Tire place is next door!"

I knew that.

Uh. Mah. Gah.

Had my first kickboxing class last night after work. I probably never would have done it, but my friend and colleague A. was my exercise buddy and she talked me into it.

What a blast! Yes, it was hard, but I'm happy to say all my recent cardio workouts have paid off, and I had no problem keeping up with the class. The only sour note was struck by my stupid feet. About half-way through the class they started hurting (because I basically have no arch [ugly, remember]), so I was in pain for the rest of the class. The instructor told me I didn't have to do all the bouncing next time. So there's a trade-off, less of a workout for less pain. I'll have to think about it!

Downsides to weight-loss

Not only is it a mixed blessing to lose so much weight that brand-spankin' new pants I bought just a few weeks ago are getting baggy already, but now I'm losing my ass.

And that's not good.

I never want to be straight up-and-down in the back, like my Mom and Grandpa ended up!

More squats, Christina. Do more squats...

Seen in the back window of a car...

A sticker reading:

What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?

Hey, it made ME laugh!

Bulletpoints of Goodness...

'cause I got nuthin' else!

- I massaged a lady the other day, talked her into getting our fall special (a Swedish massage plus European facial for $160, a $40 discount). As I was changing the linen in the treatment room, she stuck her head in the door, holding a $100 bill, telling me she'd run up to the desk to break it so she could give me my tip. I was thrilled, thinking I'd have some good tips to take home, but before I could get too excited about it, she returned and handed me two fives. One for me and one for the esthetician who did her facial!

- A large, middle-aged gentleman I massaged told me upfront he wanted me to focus on his neck and shoulders. He was getting a Swedish massage (light-medium pressure), and I had just started on his shoulders when he said, "Not so hard, please." And he repeated it about four times, as I kept lightening the pressure. I've massaged an 11-year-old girl who wanted more pressure than this guy! I think this was one of the most difficult massages I've ever done, trying to find the balance between making sure the client gets some therapeutic benefit out of it, while making sure he's satisfied I'm not using too much pressure. I was sweating before we were done!

- A victory for the Correct Grammar, Please Club: There's a sign on the wall in the locker room of my gym, above the scale, which used to read, "Turn Scale Off When Your Finished".
It drove me absolutely bonkers. Luckily, a month or so ago, they put a suggestion box in the locker room where one could anonymously make comments or suggestions, so naturally I filled out a form begging for a new, corrected sign. And lo and behold, today it was up! Yay, me! Now to work on getting the "October Birthday's" list fixed...

- My daughter has joined the Young Republicans Club at her high school. The club consists of the teacher in charge and about six or seven student members. Out of a student body in the thousands...
The students spent several hours making flyers and posting them all over the campus, only to come to school the next day to find almost all of them torn down. Apparently, it wasn't only students doing the tearing-down, either. The Young Democrats posters were untouched. What ever happened to free speech?! They had a meeting with the Principal, who promised to do something. We'll see, I guess.

Happy Birthday!

It is the truly magnificent and lovely Phlegm Fatale's birthday, so head on over and give her some love!

Oopsie!

Well, I had another foot-in-mouth moment last night. It was my daughter's homecoming game, and of course I had to go since the marching band was also performing (She'd have killed me dead otherwise!)

Our team actually slaughtered the opponents, 62 to 13, the kind of score I'm used to seeing in reverse!

Anyway, I was walking up to the ticket booth and noticed a bunch of stands set up selling merchandise for school spirit. I had no intentions of buying anything, but one sign caught my attention. It advertised, among other things, pom-poms, garters, and "neckless" (!)

I literally busted out laughing and asked the lady manning the table, while pointing at the sign, "Who the heck made that sign?!"

She replied, beaming, "My daughter!"

Oh.

I said, trying to stifle my snickers, "She spelled "necklaces" wrong. I actually have a neck!" (Yes, that was mean, I know.)

The mom came around the table and spelled out, "N-E-C-K-L-E-S-S... Oh, she forgot the "E-S" at the end to make it plural! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Erm. Okay.

The apple obviously did not have far to go in this family.

I forked over two bucks and got some necklaces. It was the least I could do.

Look at me!

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Katharine Hepburn

You scored 29% grit, 29% wit, 43% flair, and 17% class!

You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.


h/t to Breda

So excited!

Five weeks from today...my surgery! W00t!
Whew, glad I got that off my chest, I've been squeeing inside ever since I woke up this morning.
Hope you all have a good week, it's my Saturday today!

Good Tips=Happy Therapist

I had an interesting day today. My colleague A. called in sick to work, since she managed to bang up her toe and needed to get x-rays (plus, she couldn't get her shoe on!) So the front desk folk had no choice but to move all of her appointments over to me. I didn't get to go to lunch until 3 PM, but I'm not complaining...money in the bank, ya know!
My first client of the day requested a deep tissue massage, paid by credit card and pre-tipped me ten bucks. Which is a "meh" tip, since the service itself costs $125.
And pre-tipping? I don't get that. That would be like going to a restaurant and leaving a tip with the hostess who seats you, instead of waiting until after you've eaten your meal!
But I digress.
My client was a lady from Illinois who is a surveyor for a construction company and is on her feet all day. She used to get massage all the time until recently, when she moved to a new town. She's tried three different therapists but can't find anybody who does deep enough work.
Of course, I took this as a challenge! She left the treatment room extremely satisfied, not just because I gave her a kick-ass massage, but also because I recommended a new author to her! You see, I noticed she was reading "Guilty Pleasures", by Laurell K. Hamilton, so we chatted about fantasy/horror fiction, Vampires, etc. throughout the massage. She'd never heard of Charlaine Harris or her Southern Vampire Mystery series before, so I was ecstatic to be able to infect another reader with the Sookie Stackhouse bug! (Also showing on HBO, thankyouverymuch!)
As I said before, I was extremely busy, so it wasn't until later that I picked up my tips from the front desk. Included was a tip envelope from this client, who had already tipped me ten dollars by credit card...an additional twenty in cash!
What a nice surprise! This has never happened to me before, so I'm relishing the experience.
Thank you, nice lady from Illinois! Hope you enjoy the books...

Let's play "Twenty Questions!" NOT!!

I massaged a gentleman from Canada today who was very interested in quizzing me. I have no idea why. He first asked, just after the massage had begun, "What's the difference between Swedish and Sports Massage?"
Okay. If you schedule a massage, and don't know what's what, wouldn't you ask at that time, so you know what you're getting?
I answered his question, and not two minutes later, he continued with, "What's the fundamental difference between Thai Massage, Shiatsu, and Swedish Massage?"
I'm not kidding, that's the question he asked, verbatim!
Anyway, I did my best to explain the "fundamental" differences between the three modalities while continuing the massage.
I was just waiting for him to start asking me anatomy or pathology questions, but apparently his curiosity was satisfied.

Bastard didn't tip me, though.
Not really too surprised. I'm not trying to offend any Canadian readers I might have out there, but in my experience Canadians either tip not at all or very poorly. But they're really, really polite!

Crappity-crap! Literally.

More adventures at the dog park this evening. Along with oodles of fun for my dogs, which is a very good thing, I stepped in a pile of dog shit that somebody was too lazy to pick up (and somehow this poo got on my jeans, too). Then a fat, unaltered beagle moseyed up to me and lifted his leg on MY leg. As if I were a tree. I was pissed (off? on?). Oh, well. Just a few more of the typical hazards of the dog park, which also include screaming, running kids. No wonder my dog Tucker is afraid of and dislikes kids! I'm actually getting used to the lack of lights at this park. There is a lit sidewalk that runs around the perimeter and gives just enough light to see your dog, and it's nice because the parents tend to take the kiddies away once it gets too dark.
What I find so amusing is that I know a bunch of people who go to this park regularly, but I only know their dogs' names. Just like they know my dogs are Harley and Tucker, but probably don't remember my name! Dog people can be weird.

Your help would be greatly appreciated...

Not just a kick-ass photographer, who'd probably be able to make even me look good, Oleg Volk is also a champion of our Second Amendment rights. Now he's facing a court battle to take back what's rightfully his. Go, read, and see if you can help. Please. Because he can express himself in ways I only dream about.

Look away, oh easily offended ones...

Seen on a bumper sticker near a Catholic church:

Let's put the "Christ" back in "Christmas"!

Only problem there, Spanky, is that it was a pagan holiday to begin with!

Moron.

It's not just my dirty mind!

Remember "Stripburger?" Well this morning I realized the naughtiness was not all in my head. Remember how the slogan I saw said, "You can't beat our meat?" I saw another ad on a taxi on my way to work today, and it said, "Size does matter!" So now I know they are deliberately being risque. I approve!

Wake-up call

My "boyfriend" Julio called me again this morning, waking me up four minutes before my alarm was supposed to ring.

I think if this happens again, I should probably listen until the end of the recording instead of hanging up in a knee-jerk reaction.

It's just creepy, that's all.

Anyway, I want my four minutes of sleep, dangit!

---

In other news, I massaged a young man from Ireland today. Rowr. I confess to a weakness...I'm a sucker for accents. Doesn't matter what kind, but if I'm not careful, I melt into a puddle, right there in front of you!

---

And yesterday, I massaged a lady who made me want to move to Texas even more than I already do. A 76-year-old from Houston, she and her husband of 54 years worked the family ranch for 46 years until their doctors convinced them to move to the city where better medical care was available. As she put it (which made me giggle), "I thought we'd grow old together and die on the ranch. But we didn't die!"
What a classy lady, I hope I see her again soon.

Pet Peeve # 7,369,852.039

Wimpy handshakes. Especially those wimpy WOMAN handshakes, where the woman in question sorta does the limp-wrist flop, as if I'm supposed to bow over her hand and kiss it or something.
It's probably my German upbringing, but I can't stand a bad handshake.

Maybe I should start a class? Proper Handshakes 101. Or write a book..."Shaking Hands for Dummies."

Works for me.

Potty Mouth

Now, I've never claimed to be a lady, and I've certainly dropped the F-bomb on this blog quite a few times, but it's a little unnerving to hear your 17-year-old daughter cussing up a storm on the phone. So from now on, we've made a pact to cut out all cussing completely. That includes shit, damn, fuck, and variations thereof. "Fuck" is allowed if it's in the lyrics of a song we're singing along with. And all cussing is specifically and most definitely forbidden when A) Playing video games (Silver!) and B) Driving (ME!)

That is all, carry on.

hahahahahahahahahaha!

I was reading some Austrian news and came across the most delicious word:

Arschgeweih

Which in English means, literally, "ass-antlers"


I LOVE IT!!

Apparently it's used to refer to what is affectionately known in the U.S. as a "tramp stamp."

When I saw the headline, I initially thought they were talking about the thong "whale-tail," which would have also been brilliant, but this is even better.

They were discussing how the rate of laser tattoo removal had doubled in the last five years, the process of which I think is easily avoidable by not getting tattoos when you're young, drunk, and/or stupid.

Seen on a bumper sticker in the college campus parking lot...

"This Country Needs a Douche - its Bush Stinks"

So, you're saying Barack Obama is a douche bag? Good call!

Feet

I was just looking at my feet, which I had pampered earlier with a pedicure, and I realized anew just how ugly they are. BIG and ugly. If there was one thing about me I could change (feasibly, since I'm already changing other stuff), I'd have new feet.
What, if anything, would YOU change about yourselves? Physical stuff or other?
I'm curious...

FYI

If you can't handle a 'Vette, DON'T DRIVE ONE!!

Thank you.

Thanks, but NO THANKS!

Just five minutes ago, I was busy making myself some dinner when the phone rang. Thinking it's Silver, needing a ride, I picked up the phone...

Instead of, "Hi, Mom! We got out of practice early, can you pick me up, please," I heard the following:

(woman's recorded voice) Hello! You have a collect call from...

(man's voice) Julio!

(woman's recorded voice) ...an inmate at Nevada State...

That's where I hung up the phone, quickly!

I may be single, Julio, but I ain't that desperate...yet!

I can just picture her face!

My daughter, Silver, sent me the following cartoon as we were chatting yesterday. Yes, we live in the same apartment and still chat on-line. We're weird like that. She's been obsessed with a video game character called Auron from the Final Fantasy series, and tried googling to find like-minded folks. She got some *ahem* unexpected search results! The character in the cartoon is her alter-ego, Silver the Evil Chao.



click to embiggen

I *lol*ed quite a bit! My poor, innocent daughter, being exposed to the evil, evil internet.

---

UPDATE:
If you use Internet Explorer instead of Firefox (why?!), click on the cartoon twice to magnify it, then you'll be able to read the text better!

Potpourri of Miscellaneous Redundancies...

I don't like to tan. That's mainly because I take after my Northern European mother and am pale as a ghost. I CAN tan, but only after suffering horrific burns, not a desirable process, believe me! Plus, my older brother already had a skirmish with basal cell carcinoma, while in his twenties. As much as I admire and adulate my brother, I really don't want to emulate him in this area!
That said, I'm pretty much of the opinion that whatever floats your boat, go for it! If you want to resemble well-worn saddle leather, have at it.
However, the other day while at Wal*Mart, in the Health and Beauty section, of all places *snerk*, I saw a woman who was tanned so darkly I literally did a double-take and stood staring at her for a moment, with my jaw dangling somewhere around the level of my clavicles. Thankfully, Alligator Sal was perusing the products on the shelves, so I was able to pull myself together before someone called the nice men in the white coats to take me away.

Who thinks this is attractive? I fully believe this woman must be one of those addicted-to-tanning people. That's the only explanation I'll accept!

---

*SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT*

I'm so pissed off right now, I have to vent. I just wasted DAYS of my life on one of the worst fantasy series I've ever read. What pisses me off even more is that I LOVE David Eddings. I devoured the Belgariad and Malloreon as a kid, and was thrilled when my daughter fell in love with them recently as well. The Elenium and Tamuli are equally adored in this house. So imagine my dismay and disappointment to find such dreck actually published. The only fact that keeps me from finding a sharp, pointy stick and poking my eye out is that I checked the books out from the library and thus didn't pay a dime for this, this...printed matter unworthy to line a litter box with!
*whew*
But the WORST part of it, the part that by far pisses me off the most, is the ending. How can you have an ending that renders the events of the entire series null and void? "Oh, let's go back in time and do this, then NONE of the bad stuff we just went through will ever happen!"
Mother FUCKERS!!!!
What a cop-out. I've truly never been so disappointed in a book ending in my life. I think I'd have been happier if everyone had just died at the end, seriously.
Okay, vent over.

---

I've mentioned before that I'm scheduled for bariatric surgery in November. I haven't gone into details regarding the whole process, but let me just say that my insurance company makes all candidates jump through a plethora of hoops before they authorize the surgery. The entire program is 18 months long! Six months pre-surgery, and a year post-op. I have no problem with this, anything that will help me be successful is appreciated.
Something very amusing happened today, however. I was walking through the employee dining room with my salad, headed for my table, when I saw a lady I know from support group coming towards me, I shouted a, "Hi! How are ya!" and was getting ready to ask her if I was going to see her next week at our group, when I became aware of the horrified expression on her face. Then I noticed the bowl of ice cream she was (unsuccessfully) trying to shield from my view with her other hand.

BUSTED!

I'm not a snitch, so she has nothing to worry about. I also noticed the two empty drink glasses at her table, also a no-no (no drinking 30 minutes prior, during, or 30 minutes after meals.)

Hey, I cheat on occasion as well, but at least I'm smart enough to do it at home, where I won't get caught!

Music Meme

Shamelessly stolen from Buck.

The rules:

A) Go to Music Outfitters.
B) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline or italicize your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don’t remember or don’t care about.

1. Faith, George Michael
2. Need You Tonight, INXS
3. Got My Mind Set On You, George Harrison
4. Never Gonna Give You Up, Rick Astley
5. Sweet Child O' Mine, Guns N' Roses
6. So Emotional, Whitney Houston
7. Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Belinda Carlisle
8. Could've Been, Tiffany
9. Hands To Heaven, Breathe
10. Roll With It, Steve Winwood
11. One More Try, George Michael
12. Wishing Well, Terence Trent d'Arby
13. Anything For You, Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine
14. The Flame, Cheap Trick
15. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car, Billy Ocean
16. Seasons Change, Expose
17. Is This Love, Whitesnake
18. Wild, Wild West, Escape Club
19. Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard
20. I'll Always Love You, Taylor Dayne
21. Man In The Mirror, Michael Jackson
22. Shake Your Love, Debbie Gibson
23. Simply Irresistible, Robert Palmer
24. Hold On To The Nights, Richard Marx
25. Hungry Eyes, Eric Carnen
26. Shattered Dreams, Johnny Hates Jazz
27. Father Figure, George Michael
28. Naught Girls (Need Love Too), Samantha Fox
29. A Groovy Kind Of Love, Phil Collins
30. Love Bites, Def Leppard
31. Endless Summer Nights, Richard Marx
32. Foolish Beat, Debbie Gibson
33. Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
34. Angel, Aerosmith
35. Hazy Shade Of Winter, Bangles
36. The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson
37. Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin
38. Make Me Lose Control, Eric Carnen
39. Red Red Wine, UB40
40. She's Like The Wind, Patric Swayze
41. Bad Medicine, Bon Jovi
42. Kokomo, Beach Boys
43. I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That, Elton John
44. Together Forever, Rick Astley
45. Monkey, George Michael
46. Devil Inside, INXS
47. Should've Known Better, Richard Marx
48. I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love, Chicago
49. The Loco-Motion, Kylie Minogue
50. What Have I Done To Deserve This?, Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield
51. Make It Real, Jets
52. What's On Your Mind, Information Society
53. Tell It To My Heart, Taylor Dayne
54. Out Of The Blue, Debbie Gibson
55. Don't You Want Me, Jody Watley
56. Desire, U2
57. I Get Weak, Belinda Carlisle
58. Sign Your Name, Terence Trent d'Arby
59. I Want To Be Your Man, Roger
60. Girlfriend, Pebbles
61. Dirty Diana, Michael Jackson
62. 1-2-3, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
63. Mercedes Boy, Pebbles
64. Perfect World, Huey Lewis and the News
65. New Sensation, INXS
66. Catch Me (I'm Falling), Pretty Poison
67. If It Isn't Love, New Edition
68. Rocket 2 U, Jets
69. One Good Woman, Peter Cetera
70. Don't Be Cruel, Cheap Trick
71. Candle In The Wind, Elton John
72. Everything Your Heart Desires, Daryl Hall and John Oates
73. Say You Will , Foreigner
74. I Want Her, Keith Sweat
75. Pink Cadillac, Natalie Cole
76. Fast Car, Tracy Chapman
77. Electric Blue, Icehouse
78. The Valley Road, Bruce Hornsby and The Range
79. Don't Be Cruel, Bobby Brown
80. Always On My Mind, Pet Shop Boys
81. Piano In The Dark, Brenda Russell Featuring Joe Esposito
82. When It's Love, Van Halen
83. Don't Shed A Tear, Paul Carrack
84. We'll Be Together, Sting
85. I Hate Myself For Loving You, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
86. I Don't Want To Live Without You, Foreigner
87. Nite And Day, Al B. Sure
88. Don't You Know What The Night Can Do, Steve Winwood
89. One Moment In Time, Whitney Houston
90. Can't Stay Away From You, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
91. Kissing A Fool, George Michael
92. Cherry Bomb, John Cougar Mellancamp
93. I Still Believe, Brenda K. Starr
94. I Found Someone, Cher
95. Never Tear Us Apart, INXS
96. Valerie, Steve Windwood
97. Just Like Paradise, David Lee Roth
98. Nothin' But A Good Time, Poison
99. Wait, White Lion
100. Prove Your Love, Taylor Dayne

Wow. I was right, some of the songs I'm unfamiliar with, simply because I was living in Germany at the time. Most of the songs on here I'm either meh about, or I didn't like them. Just to clarify...in 1988 Rick Astley was HOTT!! That influences my liking of his songs. And "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Best. Dancing. Song. EVAR!

I must have a dirty, dirty mind.

There's a restaurant (I don't know whether it's new or not) that I've seen advertised all over town recently, mainly on taxi cabs. I don't know if I'm just especially tired tonight, or whether the planets were aligned just right, but my brain took a left turn when I saw yet another ad for this place on my drive home from work tonight.

The restaurant in question is called "Stripburger", and their slogan?

"You can't beat our meat."

Somehow, despite the picture on the ad, "hamburger" was NOT what sprang into my mind when I read the slogan.

I'm a perv, so sue me.

The winner, by default...

because neither of my competitors attempted the tie-breaker!



And here are my two beauties:

No Dice

If you folks recall, I interviewed for a part-time job two weeks ago. I thought the interview itself went brilliantly. The manager and I had a rapport, and I can bullshit my way (in a sincere fashion!) through just about anything. The audition didn't go as well, I guess. I'm philosophical about it, I have to be. Not everyone is going to like my massage; it's unfortunate in this case that it really, really mattered whether my "client" liked it.
What pisses me off is that they haven't had the courtesy to give me a call or send an e-mail to let me know they're not interested. I find that very rude and unprofessional. I called the day after my interview, just to tell them thanks for giving me the opportunity, etc. No response. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I'm at the point now that if they called me tomorrow and offered me the job, I'd tell them to fuck off.
It's probably for the best. In October we're running a VIP promotion for the entire month, and I'll probably be working plenty of extra shifts anyway, and my surgery is on November 5, so I'll be taking some time off. Yeah, gotta look for that silver lining, right?

*sigh*

Here it is!

My "gold" medal! They also took a picture of me wearing it and pointing to my score on the board. The picture (and those of all other gold-medal-winning participants) will be displayed at the gym until next year!

Just one more thing....

The following e-mail was waiting for me in my in-box when I got home tonight:

---

Congratulations Christina,



Now that you have successfully completed your NET exam, the next step is to get your prior educational documentation together. I will need copies of the originals to place in your folder which appears with you before the nursing admission committee. Please contact me at your earliest so we can begin the process. Look forward to working with you.



Sincerely,



Michael D. Arnold, MBA-TM, BSIT-NTC

---

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Health -O-lympics!

My ginormous corporate employer runs a health-and-wellness center for its employees, which includes a gym with eager personal trainers. I've been part of a weight-loss program sponsored by my insurance company for the past few months, and this includes weekly sessions with my trainer. (Actually, it's a pre-bariatric-surgery program. I'm scheduled for a lap-band procedure on November 5th.) One of the things the wellness center does is incentive programs to get the people motivated to exercise. August's program, inspired by the Olympics obviously, was the "Health-O-lympics!"

It included the following events:

-Standing long jump
-Bench press half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Squats with half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Partial Curl-ups (sorta like sit-ups, only you don't raise yourself up all the way)
(as many as you could do in a minute)
-Sit-and-reach

I hemmed and hawed for a few days, then just signed up and did it...

I won gold in the partial curl-ups! I did 69 in one minute! I crushed the competition, I think my closest competitor got 58.

I'm tied in the bench press for silver, and tomorrow will be the tie-breaker.
I bench-pressed 115 pounds five times (yes, I weigh more than 230 pounds, 231 to be exact, as of this morning. I'm a big girl, for now...)

Here are my results for all events:

-Standing long jump [I did 58", pathetic, I know]
-Bench press half your weight [5]
-Squats with half your weight [35] (My quads were sooooo sore after this, for days!)
-Partial Curl-ups [69]
-Sit-and-reach [22"]

So wish me luck tomorrow, I'm gonna have to really bring it, and do more than five this time.

Broke a record

I massaged the tallest person I've ever massaged today, breaking my record by two inches. This gentleman from England was 6'8" tall. I had to bend my neck waaaay back to maintain eye contact, and I'm not that short (5'5").
Poor guy, when he was turned over on his back, both his feet were dangling off the end of the massage table. And when the massage was over, he had to pull his feet in so I could open the door!
I've always wanted to be tall, but DAMN! I can only imagine the difficulties faced by someone that huge. I think I'll just be satisfied with my 5'5"...not like I have any other choice!

Wow, he pin-pointed me PRECISELY!

(click to blow up picture...no pun intended!)

How accurate of him!

Tropic Thunder

Go see it, seriously.

I almost wet myself.

I'm on my way...

I'm officially made of win! Not only have I, as of today, lost 21.5 pounds (can't forget the ".5"), I also took my required RN-program pre-entrance exam and ACED it! Woo-hoo! I should be hearing from the admissions department in a few days. Assuming they liked the essay I was also required to write! Then I'll have an interview with some of the faculty, then I'm IN. I want to start next August, though, because I really don't want to be working two jobs and going to school full-time during my daughter's last year of high school (and incidentally, her last year living here at home with me, *sniff*). Not to mention, once she's off to school, I can just rent a room in someone's house and really cut my expenses to the bone. Plus, I'm taking classes at the college here already, which are my general education requirements, and which are much cheaper to take at the college than at the private nursing school.

All in all, a very satisfactory day.

Pardon me while I brag...

Okay, for those of you who get tired of my bragging on my daughter, Silver, it's time for you to go look at some lolcats, or something.

There, now that all the haters are gone, I can gloat copiously.

My daughter Silver, who had her first day as a senior in high school today, has the following classes this year:

AP English Literature and Composition
US Government Honors
AP Japanese IV
Physics Honors
Algebra II and Trigonometry Honors
Zoology Honors
Advanced Band
(one period as Teacher's Aide, her schedule doesn't really permit any other class, she tried!)

She was recommended for AP Chemistry, but the scheduling of the AP classes precluded her taking it (it conflicted with her Japanese class.)

Okay, done bragging now.

This is also her last Marching Band season, at least the last one I'll be able to watch. She fully intends on being in her college marching band as well.

I'm so happy! Now I just have to worry about PAYING for college...for both her and myself!

My idea of fun...

is NOT spending an entire ten-hour-shift doing massage while the underwire from my bra is stabbing me in the armpits. Especially when both discreet and not-so-discreet adjustments fail to improve the situation. Oh, well. Back to sportsbra tomorrow.

Also not fun (this actually falls more in the category of pet peeve): Clients who've received a whopping discount (say, 50%), and then calculate their tip based on the discounted service price. Cheap!

It's been a loooong time coming...

Forgive me for the lateness of this post, Grosser Bruder!

So, four weeks ago my incredibly kind and generous brother and sister-in-law flew Silver and me out to their home in North Carolina. They live in Graham, a lovely place, but they wanted to make the trip really special, so the morning after we arrived, we packed up again and headed to the beach! Wrightsville Beach, just outside of Wilmington, to be precise.

We stayed at the Silver Gull Motel, directly on the beach, and had a fabulous time.



You see that you can access the beach from the motel? So nice! I haven't gone barefoot or wandered around in public dressed only in a bathing suit since I was probably nine years old...but that wonderful feeling of freedom snuck up on me pretty quickly!

The motel is located right next to Johnny Mercer's Pier, a concrete fishing pier (with restaurant and shops), underneath which makes a perfect place to set up your "homestead" in the shade for a day at the beach, especially if you're as pale as we all are.

Here's a pic of the pier, taken from my brother and SIL's motel room balcony:



This little man is my older nephew, we'll call him Handsome Jack.



I think he's a mini-me version of my brother! He's almost five, and smart as a whip!
And energy! I wish I could borrow some from him...:)

Here is my beautiful sister-in-law with my younger, twenty two-month-old nephew, whom we'll call Curious George (not because he's a monkey in any way, but only because he IS very curious and loves to wander off by himself to explore, if he can get away with it...he's an escape artist!)



Here's a shot of the ocean and beach, looking northeast from underneath the pier.



And here's one looking southeast.



Absolutely fantastic, let me tell you! It was almost impossible to get Silver out of the water. She loves the ocean and swimming. The most remarkable thing about this trip was how I rediscovered my OWN love of the beach and especially the ocean. I lived in Florida for four years when I was little. We lived in Satellite Beach, while my Army Dad was stationed at Patrick AFB. The beach was almost undeveloped then (late 1974-early 1979), and we spent almost every weekend there. I was uninhibited and fearless.

I think having my own kids kind of killed that in me, not to mention self-consciousness about my body. It's hard to enjoy yourself when you have to chase after small children the whole time, and when you're worrying too much about what other people might be thinking about how you look in your bathing suit.

This trip really changed that all. I didn't give a crap what people thought and strutted all around in my bathing suit. Silver and I could go in the water together, and we swam out quite a far distance, almost to the end of the pier. The waves were great, and I'd float on my back and let them take me. It was like a giant roller coaster ride! With salt water. I wasn't afraid of sharks, and except for one encounter Silver had with a jellyfish, which stung her arm a little, the only critters we saw were tiny fish and a lone crab.

On our last morning, before we headed back to the airport, we had lunch at the top of the pier and headed out onto the pier itself for some more photos. It was very windy, and lots of stuff was blowing around, including everyone's hair!

Here's a wonderful picture of my SIL with Handsome Jack and Curious George:



And finally one of Silver:



This trip really changed me, in a very positive way, and it was incredible to finally spend some time with the only family members I have (besides my kids) whom I truly love and respect. Talking with my brother also gave me lots of food for thought about my future. He truly is an inspiration to me!

So thank you, Grosser Bruder!




Can you see the resemblance?

Well, I did it!

My final grades are in for my English 101 class:

8 assignments/papers

8 "A"s!

I'm so happy I could squeeeeeee!

In a few days my Nevada history class (online) starts, and on Thursday I have my classroom Sociology 101 class. My Psychology 101 class starts end of October.

We'll see if I can keep it up.

Junk Mail FAIL

Found this one in my mailbox today. I'm heading over to Failblog to create my own entry with it. Too sad! Doesn't anyone use a proofreader anymore?


more fail

---

Update: Changed the image to my "FAIL" one.

Overheard in a car...

Me: "You know, there's no age where you suddenly realize, 'Wow! I'm all grown up!' I mean, look at me, I'm almost forty and I don't really feel any different than I did ten or fifteen years ago, I'm just muddling through every day trying to survive."

Silver: "Wow. Forty is waving at you, Mom!"

Me: "Yeah? Well I give forty the finger."

Silver: "Forty is sad..."

*sigh*

One of the very, very few occasions I wish I had cable. With HBO. September 7th is a red-letter day on my calendar, I hope this show is popular and goes on for years and years.



I LOVE the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries by Charlaine Harris. I've been a big fan of hers forever, and to see her creations come to life on TV...excellent!

Spa Tales

I massaged a lady today with the worst. tattoo. ever.

It sorta trailed from her hip to her waist, involved a few blossoms and petals thereof, which weren't rendered too horribly, plus two...um...turtles?

I believe they were supposed to be sea-turtles, but they looked like two green pine cones. Horrible! I couldn't stop staring at them, and luckily the lady was still face down and didn't notice.

I also massaged a lady who had bizarre toes (yes, I'm aware I have foot issues, you don't have to point it out!)

Her big toes were exactly the same length as her pinkie toes! I'm not kidding, I've never seen anything like it. The other three toes were all longer than the big toe.

Like I said, strange.

In other news, I've been having mock job interviews in my head the past few days, in order to mentally prepare myself for Friday. Just going through various scenarios, good and bad. I know I'm a good therapist, but that's no guarantee I'll be hired!

Got another great comment card today! I'm hoping they'll add up to twelve quickly, because if I do get twelve in six months (?, pretty sure), and that includes comments left on the hotel comment cards as well, I'll get a whopping bonus, $1500 I believe! Because it indicates I'm an "outstanding performer". Works for me!

Hope you all had a great weekend! Mine has been busy, busy, busy...thankfully! Money in the bank, and all that.

Finished!

Well, I finally submitted my last essay a few minutes ago...*whew*. So far, I've gotten "A"s on every assignment in this class (English 101). It was an online class, which I believe I've mentioned before, and I really like the instructor. She replied promptly to e-mails, and addressed student concerns on the class message board.
I've learned a lot from this class, especially how easy and horrible it is for me to procrastinate. I suck. But I've resolved to do much better in the future. In a few weeks the new semester starts, and I'm taking three classes this time: Sociology 101, Psychology 101, and Nevada History (all General Education requirements.) I think they'll be interesting, and I'm looking forward to the experience. I'm taking Soc in the classroom (enrolled too late to do online!), but the other two I AM taking online. We'll see how that goes, especially as I'm also interviewing for a part-time job next Friday. I'm going to try to keep my Wednesdays as my day off, and Thursday mornings (for the sociology class), and try to not be totally exhausted. Of course, this is assuming I'll get the job!
Well, that's my mini update, sorry about the lack of posting recently! I will still get to Silver's and my weekend at the beach (with photos! OMG!), but I don't know exactly when...:)

Two random things: Today is my big brother's birthday! Happy 44th, Grosser Bruder!!

And seen on my way to drop Silver off at band camp (NO AMERICAN PIE JOKES, PLEASE...WE'VE HEARD THEM ALL!!): An SUV with the vanity plate reading: BSBLBYS, which Silver quickly translated to "Baseball Boys"...what a clever chicky!
Have a great weekend, my (hopefully) faithful readers!

Poor Silver...

she had all four wisdom teeth removed Thursday morning, and this is what she looked like last night:



I HAD to tease her, I mean, can you blame me?!

She took it with good grace, merely saluting me with her middle finger.

She should be playing the Joker in the next Batman movie, or maybe one of the chipmunks in the next "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie!

I'm not very nice, I know. But hey, that's what Moms are for!

---

Edit: I also think she's a dead ringer for Jay Leno right now...
I'm going to burn in hell!

Thanks for cursing me, Boss!

This should be a post about the incredibly awesome weekend Silver and I just had, visiting my brother and his family in North Carolina and going to Wrightsville Beach, but it'll have to wait.

I HAVE to tell you about something that happened today.

So, yesterday I had an evaluation, which basically means I massaged my boss, and he has to fill out a three-page form about it. During the massage, he casually asked me whether I had massaged any weirdos lately, and I was happy I could honestly answer, "No."

So guess what happened today?

Yup, snagged a weirdo!

Yes, it's YOU, Mr. A.A. of Alexandria, Virginia, formerly of Afghanistan!

Over the past year or so of doing massage almost daily, I've developed a finely honed Weirdo Early Warning System™, and the client I massaged this afternoon sent all the alarms buzzing stridently.

Here are some of the signs:

1) He grabbed his left ass-cheek and upper hamstring while telling me "I have really bad lower-back pain from sitting at a desk all day." Sorry, your ass and leg are NOT your back.

2) While I was massaging his back, he mentioned that he gets weekly massages at the "Chinese place" back home in Virginia. So, does the "Chinese place" have "Parlor" in its name?

3) During the hamstrings and glute massage, his hands disappeared under his body. Okay, the massage table IS narrow, and it can be uncomfortable for many people (including myself) to keep one's arms by one's side, but it's usually only necessary to tuck the fingertips under the hips or thighs, not the entire hand!

4) He was REALLY enjoying the glute massage, and while it's quite common for clients to moan and "Oh, yes!", all the previous indicators made me suspicious of HIS moaning and "Oh, yes!"-ing!

I was already on my guard when it came time to turn him over, and sure enough, he was pitching a pretty steep tent. I ignored it, as it happens frequently, and I'm a little like the proverbial ostrich about this whole issue, which usually works just fine with normal clients.

Mr. A.A., however, was having none of that!

As I was rubbing a super-moisturizing lotion into his feet, to prepare them for the hot-paraffin-wax treatment he was adding on to his massage, he ran both hands, outside the sheet, up his inner thighs and onto his abdomen, basically framing his package, while saying, "I have some serious pain here, do you think you could do something about it?"

*Motherfucker!!!*

Me *flatly*: "I'm not touching you there!"

Him: "Oh, I don't mean there, I mean here." *while rubbing the creases of his groin/inner thigh*

Me: "Sir, I'll massage your inner thigh, just above your knee, but that's as far as I'll go."

Him *pouting a little*: "Okay."

Paraffin applied, I began massaging his right quadriceps, when I noticed him stealthily sliding his left hand under the sheet to start rubbing his junk.

*Oh, HELL no!*

I don't like confrontation at all, but by this time I was close to either punching him in the face, or jumping up on the table and flamenco-ing my heels into his crotch!

This is what I said, instead:

"Okay, if you want this massage to continue, take your hand out from under the sheet, RIGHT NOW."

So he did, pouting even more, like a spoiled brat denied a third helping of ice cream.

The rest of the massage proceeded routinely, with no perverse interruptions.

Of course he didn't tip me.

In hindsight, I probably should have broken off the massage the instant he drew attention to his erection, but I felt like I should soldier on. Sleazebags like Mr. A. here know exactly what they're doing. He never came right out and asked me for a happy ending, or touched me, or anything, so it's a fine line I had to walk. I believe, since this really made me sick, that in the future I'll be a wee bit more assertive!

What do you think?

It's Official!

I'm no longer the dorkiest dork at the gym!

I don't think I've mentioned here how I survive my cardio workouts (since I hate them ever so much). I have to have my i-Pod blasting so I can't hear the crappy pop music the gym has playing, and I pedal with my eyes closed and (silently) sing along with my music, mouthing the words and bopping my head.

DORK!!!

I know, I know, nothing you could say to me could be any worse than what I've called myself after glancing in the mirror while working out, trust me!

Yesterday, however, a squawk of "BREAKIN' THE LAW!! BREAKIN' THE LAW!!!!" nearly caused me to fall off my bike.

I looked to my right, and an old dude with a bandanna 'round his bald head and earbuds in his ears was furiously pedaling the recumbent bike, bopping his head and playing the AIR DRUMS, singing the chorus of the song out loud (badly!)

I officially pass my title of dorkiest gym dork to him.

Hey, at least he redeems himself in my eyes by listening to Judas Priest, could be worse, coulda been the BeeGees...

Now I've seen everything...

A rosary that doubles as an air-freshener for your car.

Just shoot me now, and I'm not even Catholic!

What to do...what to do?

Hmmm. It's Friday night and the natives are restless. I know...since they loooooove doggies so much, why don't we take our three, small, obnoxious and uncontrollable brats to the dog park...even though we don't have a dog of our own!

There they will proceed to make infernal nuisances of themselves by chasing and harassing all the dogs there, and will be extremely lucky if they don't end up bitten (though if they did, of course we'd sue!)

---

Can you tell I'm a wee bit annoyed?!

---

Word of advice: If your method of dog training involves treats, DON'T practice at the dog park! Even if you want to show off your dog's awesome down-stay. You'll be mobbed by dogs wanting treats (including my two greedy-guts), and you'll piss everyone off whose dog isn't as well-trained as yours (also including mine, unfortunately.)

---

Note to self: Wow, blogging totally works as a procrastination device...I really should be writing a cause-and-effect essay right now. *sigh* There's always tomorrow...at least until midnight, when the essay's due!

Blog-Lite?

I apologize for my lack of blogging lately, but not only am I entertaining my twins (who leave on Tuesday *sob*), and thus must fight for internet time, but I'm also taking English 101 on-line over the summer semester, and all my writing mojo seems to be sucked out of me due to the plethora of writing assignments I've been tasked with.

So please, bear with me, and I'll (hopefully) be back in fighting form in a few weeks.

Of course, I'm planning on taking TWO classes on-line in the fall semester, but they won't be ENGLISH.

Seen on the back of a T-shirt at the gym...

"To Err is Human, to Air Guitar, divine."

I laughed...

Happy Birthday!

My friend Sonja has had a special Monday...her lovely baby (finally) arrived!

Go, and admire his cuteness!

Overheard in a Treatment Room...

"Yeah, I injured my rotator CUP a few months ago..."


*snort*

What a Sweet Lady!

There was quite a drama at the spa yesterday afternoon.

Inside the women's lounge, we have a big screen TV on a raised platform, sort of like a stage. This platform is carpeted with the same carpet as the floor, and blends seamlessly. Next to the platform is a trashcan and a recycling bin for the plastic water bottles we offer to our guests.

My two o'clock client was a little old lady from Ontario, Canada, who was getting a half-hour shoulder, neck, and back massage. She had a laundry list of illnesses and an entire pharmacy of meds, but luckily nothing that would make a massage contra-indicated.

She walked with the aid of a cane, but was still rather spry and didn't need any assistance getting on or off the massage table. After our session, I gave her a bottle of water with the usual instructions of "drink lots of water today," and beat feet to my next client (with the half-hour sessions, there's only five minutes in between.)

This client was a male, so it wasn't until after this session that I headed back into the women's spa to get my next client. As I rounded the corner by the jacuzzi and headed into the lounge, I saw the sweet old lady sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, with blood splattered all over the front of her robe! Security was there, and the paramedics had been summoned. Apparently she had finished her water (you know, THE WATER I HAD GIVEN HER) and decided to be a good citizen and deposit the empty bottle in the recycling bin. Unfortunately, she overlooked the corner of the platform, tripped, and since she had both hands full (cane in one, bottle in the other), she fell right on her face, causing her nose to bleed copiously!

Security had everything in hand, and my next client was waiting, so I didn't hear the end of the story until it was time for me to leave that evening.

She refused to go to the hospital, so her grandsons came to the spa to wheel her back to her room. Of course the spa comped her massage, but she was still inconsolable because this fall drove the fact home that she's "an old lady". She was crying and repeating that over and over again, while her grandsons tried to comfort her. As she was being wheeled toward the elevators, she suddenly cried out, "Stop - Stop!"

She made her grandsons roll her back to the front desk, even though S., the front desk coordinator, told her that everything was taken care of, she didn't need to sign anything, etc.

My client merely said, "I need to leave a tip for Christina!"

Now THAT'S class, Folks.

Under the circumstances, of COURSE I wasn't expecting anything. Her experience at the spa was traumatic and painful, yet she still left me a tip.

What a lady.

Christina's Words of Wisdom #4,729 (No, not really!)

If you have an entire afternoon of back-to-back massage services scheduled, it might be a GOOD IDEA to avoid the FIVE BEAN SALAD at lunch.

Just sayin'

Seen on my way home last night...

a Dodge Durango, with California license plate:


L8ASEVR


Well, I laughed, anyway!

Please...

if you're still my friends in 30-40 years, have mercy on me and don't let me go out in public wearing only a sports bra and short-shorts, even if I'm "just going to the dog park."

Thank you!

Overheard after a screening of "The Incredible Hulk"...

"But...but...he's Asgardian...! He needs his helmet, and everything!"



Geeks of the world, unite!

Happy Birthday, Silver!

Silver is SEVENTEEN today! How appropriate that it's Friday, the 13th...



I love you, Silver! Hope you have a great day...:)

Twinkies!!!

This past Tuesday, my fourteen-year-old twin daughters arrived from the Midwest to spend (most) of the summer with me. I'm so happy! They've been known as Thing 1 and Thing 2 on this blog, but I gave them the option of choosing their own handles so here they are...(they take after their father, in that they almost always have to make faces when having a picture taken):

Here's Tahlia, or Tally for short (formerly Thing 1):



And Chaos (aka Thing 2):



Here are all three of my daughters together, a rare sight! From left, Silver, Tally, and Chaos:



Expect light posting for the next week or so, especially since I'm also taking an on-line class!

Don't worry, though...I always find time to read everyone else's blogs!

Embarrassment Redux

Do you remember when this happened? Ah, I remember like it was yesterday...

See, I did it AGAIN!

I must be a gesticulating fool, because I nailed a lady's chocolate cream pie with my hand as she was walking by.

Some of it ended up on the floor, some on my hand, but the mangled remains were still on the plate. Of course, I disposed of the pie and helped clean the floor.

The victim, a housekeeper, just laughed when I expressed my hope of finding another slice of pie for her. She said, "I guess I wasn't meant to have it!"

Talk about a silver-lining-lover!

I'm just thankful she didn't shove the rest of the pie in my face...it would have been my just desserts!

Highs and Lows of the Massage Bizness...

Lows first, 'cause that's how I roll:

-Douchebags who take "Feedback appreciated" to a whole 'nother level.

For example:

"The pressure's great, but could you do more on the calf, less on the hamstrings and more on the glute?"

"Can you please massage my C-1?" Gladly, if you'll tell me how you'd like me to get inside your skull...

"Could you use your fingertips more, and your forearm less?"

"I think you need to use more massage oil now."

I've barely touched the client, the massage started 30 seconds ago
"Oh, you can do harder!"

I'm working on the client's neck and scalp, he winces when I massage the base of his skull..."Tender at the hairline!"...I move on to the scalp..."harder - Harder - HARDER!!!" I'm now drilling my fingertips into his skull and wishing I could use my elbows (or maybe a hammer) instead...that'd be HARDER!

-Inconsiderate people.

For example:

-The woman who was unable to disconnect from her busy life for one freakin' hour, and kept her incessantly ringing cell-phone in the pocket of her robe during the entire massage.

-The women who are apparently freaked out by being nude during the massage and keep their WET bikini bottoms on, thereby soaking every bit of linen on the table and necessitating us therapists to completely strip the entire table after the massage, including the fleece heating pad cover.

-Generally loud and obnoxious clients, who don't care that they are disrupting the OTHER clients' services.

Clients who are incapable of paying attention to instructions.

For example:

-I enter the room and the client's face-up. Or naked on top of the covers, instead of between them.

-Instead of waiting for me to collect them in the lounge area, as they were instructed to, the gentlemen are often wandering the hall in their robes, asking anyone in uniform when their massage is going to start.

-The lady yesterday who was IN MY ROOM while I was on break and had all my stuff spread everywhere, who asked me innocently, after I had stopped suddenly on coming in the room and said "Oh!",
"Aren't I supposed to be in here?"
Well, NO, Lady. Actually you're supposed to be in the lounge in ten minutes, when my break is over and your massage starts!
At least it taught me that even when I get the client's ticket early...always turn them to face the wall, so that no client can read the name on it! (She also stayed in the room far too long AFTER the massage, which made me late for my next one.)

---

Now the highs:

Clients with senses of humor.

For example:

-The lady who thought it was amusing that the toilets make a sound like a dying cow when flushed...Grooooooooooooooonk!

-The client who busted out laughing WITH me when a muzak version of Brahms' lullaby started playing during the massage. Which I've never heard before or since, thank goodness!

-And generally all the folks who realize that it's not necessarily the therapist's fault when things go wrong.

Here's my biggest high of last week...

I gave a young (very hungover) man a 90-minute deep-tissue massage early Tuesday morning. He paid by credit card, and for many hours after the massage, as I was coming up to drop off and get tickets, his ticket and credit card receipts were still at the front desk. I kept asking K., the (ditzy) front desk coordinator, if he was sure that the guest was still back in the men's spa, and K. kept assuring me that, yes, the client was still in the back and hadn't checked out yet. Of course, I was right. At some point after the massage the client had left and the front desk had totally missed it, which K. finally admitted to me after lunch. Oh, well, I thought, there's one tip I've missed. (I've learned to be rather philosophical about people stiffing me, otherwise I'd be nuts right now.)

That evening when I left, T. (the UN-ditzy) front desk coordinator was practically beside himself with excitement..."Hey, Christina, you know the guy you massaged this morning? He just came back because he remembered he didn't tip you. He felt really bad about it."

I opened the tip envelope T. had set aside for me and found THREE crisp, fresh out of the ATM twenty dollar bills! Sixty bucks, the biggest tip I've gotten so far!

What a great way to start my weekend.

That's my spa roundup of the past few weeks! I'd blog more often about the happenings, but my new schedule has been kicking my ass, and I'm often too beat at the end of the day to blog anything semi-meaningful.

We'll see what happens tomorrow...

Just too much FAIL

I have to post this, I'm sorry!

It made Silver and me laugh and laugh and laugh...


more funny fail pictures at FAIL Blog

That website offers hours of failin' fun.

Woo-HOOOO!

I just saved a crap-load of money, not to mention two years of my time, by taking a German CLEP test.

Scored an 80, and I only needed 63 to get the 12 credits. Thus fulfilling my foreign language requirement in about an hour, instead of four semesters.

The whole thing only cost me $95.00

Yes! I kick ASS!

No Apologies

I was going to regale you with a tale of massaging assholes who masquerade as human beings, but I'll save that one for another time, because I was pissed off today by something a client said to me.

She was a very, very large lady, getting a sports/deep-tissue massage. We were about twenty-five minutes in, I'd already massaged her back, and had just draped her leg, when she said to me, "I'm sorry, I have huge legs."

I was taken aback.

I replied to her, "Never apologize for being who you are! Do your legs work, do they do what they're supposed to do?" She said yes, and I told her, "I've never had a client with bad acne apologize for his pimples, or one with crooked teeth say, 'Oh, I'm getting braces.', so why is being overweight any different? I'm a stranger you've paid to provide a service, you'll most likely never see me again, so why apologize?"

As I'm a rather large lady myself, we got to talking about fat stereotypes, you know, the ones where skinny people think we sit around all day, stuffing our faces with candy and ice cream, when usually, we don't eat more than anyone else. Or the fact that total strangers feel entitled to come up to us in the grocery store and chide us on our food choices. Or my favorite, when people say, "You'd be so beautiful, IF YOU LOST WEIGHT." Well, fuck 'em, I say.

Thanks to Holly, I've recently read a marvelous book on this subject called "The Forbidden Body: Why Being Fat is Not a Sin", by Shelley Bovey. I told my client about the book, about how much it had affected me and caused me to think. After the massage was over, I gave her my business card, with the book info written on the back of it. I hope she gets it, and reads it.

No more apologies.

Am I welcome?

As I was leaving the college campus yesterday, after straightening out a financial aid mess and scheduling a German CLEP test, I noticed a sign for "Latino's Beauty Salon"

That got me to thinking. Would I be welcome there? Would I have to whip out a picture of my half-Portuguese Dad to be granted service?

What if I opened up a beauty salon right next door to them called "Caucasian's Beauty Salon?" Would I be run out of town on a rail after being tarred and feathered?

Probably.

*Minor Spoiler Alert* Prince Caspian

I loved this movie from start to finish, which surprised me, since I had rather low expectations considering the drubbing it's received from many critics.

My daughter, however, had a few choice words to say about the ending. Hmmm, let's see...

Lewis and Aslan are big, fat, flaming assholes!

That ending blew acidic chunks of flaming lava!

I can't believe Susan had to leave the hottest character in the entire series to go back to her drab, dreary, boring life, and SHE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!!


All this while wiping tears from her eyes...*sigh*.

My little girl is growing up. And Prince Caspian has now supplanted Zac Efron in the Hottie-Hierarchy in her mind. I think she said something about his eyes, his hair, and the ACCENT.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess...but at least I'm just decent enough to limit my fantasies to males who are old enough to have to shave regularly.

---

EDIT:

I just found out via IMDB that Ben Barnes, the actor who plays Prince Caspian, is 27 years old. Yum, yum. Now it's totally okay for me to lust after him. Thank goodness, I was starting to worry...

Luau!

The powers-that-be at the casino decided we needed a morale booster, so they set up the entire spa with tickets to a pool-side luau. Since it was my Friday yesterday, I decided to actually *gasp* have some alcohol.

I depended on the kindness of the bartender at the casino bar we hung out in before the luau. I asked him to mix me a drink where you couldn't actually taste the alcohol, 'cause I don't like it. He totally came through for me with rum punch! Rum, orange and pineapple juices, and grenadine. Mmmmm-mmmmm, good. I've actually found something I can drink and enjoy! Plus, I had two mai-tais at the luau itself, but I think they were watered down, because I didn't get smashed.

We were sitting in the cheap seats this time, last year they let us go in as VIPs, talk about a let-down! But it all worked out, since most of us had seen the show before, so it gave us a lot of time just to socialize, which is fun, fun, fun!

Here's a pic of me at the bar, I'd already finished my rum punch, but it hadn't kicked in yet:



and after the alcohol started taking effect...



notice how I didn't care anymore that you can see my braces when I smile...:)

Here's M., who coined the now-infamous phrase "taking the girls out for a walk".



B., the lead therapist (my supervisor) on the left, with her sister.



D., one of our two aestheticians, on the left, with HER sister. Now we're outside at the luau.



M. again, this time with K. Both of our lovely female spa attendants, together. It's a beautiful thing.



This one has to be my favorite, simply because of the potential for blackmail...the guy is my BOSS, R.!

About that raise...?



You can definitely tell in this picture that I've been drinking. I mean, look at my eyes! Too, too funny.

Anyhoo, thank you, oh mighty Powers-That-Be, for giving us this opportunity to eat, drink, and be merry...even in the cheap seats!

Well, I warned you!

But it's not as bad as you think. Silver's nickname at school is "Speed Racer", because she always runs to every class, pulling her wheeled backpack behind her, so full-out is pretty much her only speed. Which means getting pictures of her accepting her certificate of membership in the National Honor Society was impossible...blur, blur, blur!

So I'm only inflicting a few pics on you, lucky things!

Here she is, after accepting the certificate:





And here she is, indulging in her favorite pastime, EATING! (Oh, she's gonna get me for posting this one!):



And finally, relief that it's all over!



Thanks for letting me indulge myself!

Recommendations?

Silver was walking along Tropicana on Saturday, on her way to her SAT tutoring session at the local take-shitloads-of-my-tip-money-for-tutoring place, when some yahoo in a passing car threw a rock (at her? I'm not sure) out the window and nailed her on her ankle.

After the wailing was over, she limped on bravely, put an ice pack on it, and didn't even tell me about it until I got home that night. It's a lovely shade of purple right now.

My question is: Should I report this (or should I have reported it) to any authorities? Silver doesn't remember what the car looked like, or the people inside the car, and she certainly didn't get a license plate number while writhing on the ground in pain. Plus she's not seriously injured.

Of course, she could have been hit in the face or head, or in the eye, so she's definitely lucky. And, hey, there are daily drive-by shootings in other parts of Vegas, so we're lucky on that score, as well.

Any advice or suggestions?

Attention all Lesbian and/or Bi Women:

Just because we ask you to stop playing tonsil hockey in the jacuzzi does NOT mean we have anything against homosexuals in general, or you in particular. And we don't care that you're "not doing anything wrong". All we're trying to tell you is...GET A ROOM!

---

And nice pink-haired gal? Having you tell me that my massage is "fuckin' awesome!" really made my day! Thank you.

Firing off a quick one...

just to warn you of the onslaught of pics from Silver's Induction ceremony! Aside from the fact that they misspelled/mispronounced her last name, the ceremony was fabulous. I was very impressed.

Afterwards, to celebrate, we went home and changed, then headed over to the Red Rock Casino (our favorite) and saw the new Indiana Jones movie. What can I say? It totally rocked. Was quite over the top on occasion (but it's Indy!), but still extremely entertaining.

And Harrison Ford is still hot and could eat crackers in my bed anytime!

Randomness of fortune cookies

My fortune, according to my cookie from the Golden Dragon:

I think and that is all that I am.

WTF?

I choose to see this as positive. I'll think positive thoughts, and therefore I will BE positive.

Silver's fortune:

It is better to have beans and bacon in peace than cakes and ale in fear.

I have to admit, these are the weirdest fortunes I've ever seen. Even adding "in bed" doesn't seem to help.

Oh, well.

Oh. My. God.

I had no idea comic books could be so kinky...



If you want to see more, go here.

More Silver-isms

I'm very aware that the stuff my daughter says that so amuses me is most likely of no interest to anyone else, but, since this is MY blog, I'll do whatever I damn well please!

*at the Chevron, pumping gas into my car that's costing me $3.76 per gallon*

"Wow, Mom. This gas station is raping your debit card!"

*at the Smith's, grocery shopping, while pulling a bottle of white wine vinegar off the shelf*

"Also useful as a blunt weapon!"

*while on the road, discussing men*

"There are NO intelligent men in high school!"

That's 'cause they're still boys, Sweetie...

Lest you think all is sweetness and light...

I have very curly hair. The lack of humidity here in Vegas keeps it mostly under control, and product does the rest. If I go to sleep with it wet, like last night, however, the next morning it will be rather...wild.

I stumbled into the kitchen to turn on the coffee-maker, and Silver was there getting breakfast.

I mumbled, "Mornin'."

She took one look at me, and with an expressionless face replied, "Mom, Medusa is on line two, she wants her hair back."

BRAT!

Since it's been too long...

since I bragged about my older daughter, Silver, I feel it's appropriate at this time to mention HOW FRICKIN' PROUD I AM OF HER!!!!

She's been working very, very hard, and the other day, she brought this home to me from school:



Her induction ceremony is next Friday, and rest assured, I'll be taking plenty of pictures for you to peruse later.

So be warned! ;)

I'm scared.

I was talking to my twin daughters today on my drive home from work (not very safe, I know, but with the time difference I was afraid I'd get home too late to call them.)

We always talk on speaker-phone, so they can't argue over who got more time with me, and they were discussing the latest hunky actors to grace the pages of 17 and People. They kept saying, "Mmmmmm, delicious!" with the same relish and enthusiasm their almost-seventeen-year-old sister would greet a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.

They're fourteen.

God help me!

Fated.

You know you're off to a bad start when it's going to be in the triple digits, and as you're driving to work, you realize you forgot to use deodorant.

You know it can only get worse when you get to work and discover that the air conditioning is broken, AGAIN.

And the rotten cherry on top of your shit sundae of a day is the maintenance department not managing to fix the damn a/c until 5:00 PM, when you're getting ready to go home.

One bright spot: the complimentary spray deodorant we have for the guests...works just as well for employees in a pinch.

Miss Attitude

Men are not allowed to enter the women's spa, for obvious reasons, so when a male therapist is going to massage a female client, he either goes to the entrance off the gym, knocks on the door (which opens onto the lounge area) and calls the lady's name, or asks M., the ladies' spa attendant, to escort the guest to the back entrance of the spa, which is closer to the cross-gender treatment rooms.

E. did exactly that this afternoon, and as M. handed off the guest to him, E. thanked her. What did the guest do? She struck an "attitude pose", if you know what I mean, and said, "Don't worry about HER, you should be worrying about ME!"

Holy shit! What is wrong with some people? How did thanking a colleague for providing a service take anything away from this guest?

Who knows, I'm baffled.

Sometimes, I wish I were different.

Take tonight, for example.

My friend Liz celebrated her graduation from UNLV this evening. Due to work, I wasn't able to attend the commencement this morning, but I was able to make it to the open house/party at her sister's house this evening.

I'm not a party person. One-on-one, I have the gift of gab, I can talk to anyone and be sincere, because I'm honestly interested in people. But put me in a social situation where I'm surrounded by strangers, and I'm extremely uncomfortable.

Tonight, I walked into the house, greeted my hosts, and was set adrift. Why, why, why can't I LIKE this sort of thing?! I made a real effort, and talked to a bunch of people, but I fear I was babbling. Until my friend Dr. B. showed up and rescued me, THANK GOD! He also went above and beyond by being cool enough to call in a prescription for antibiotics for me, since I'm afraid I'm getting bronchitis (I know the signs).

The food was delicious and homemade, the music was soothing, the night soft and lit by the moon. And (almost) the whole time I was wishing I was home with my dogs.

If Silver had been with me, it might have been different, though I hate to think I might use my daughter as a crutch. But she was marching with her school band at the Helldorado Parade, and was unable to be there.

Oh, well. I guess I just have to accept myself for who and how I am, instead of wishing for the moon. I'm a homebody and a borderline hermit, and dammit, I like it!

Ah hab a code...

my first one in a year, so please excuse the light blogging.

Two amusing bumper stickers I noticed over the past two days:

If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk!

And:

And on the eighth day, God created Marines



I had to have some blood work drawn early this morning, and as I was driving through the parking lot toward the exit, I noticed a man slumped on his side in the grass that divided the parking area from the sidewalk. I was all prepared to call 911 and administer whatever first aid or CPR was necessary, but he told me he was okay! I guess he was just sleeping off the night before...

You know your pup has had a good time at the dog park...

When this




is all you see of him afterward!

My future...is bleak.

Granted, it was slow today at the spa, but lately it's been like that far too often.
All totalled, my two-and-a-half hours of massage earned me, before taxes, $143.28. Plus a whopping $5.00 tip.

Two weeks from now, a day identical to today will get me $80.60. Before taxes. That's a 43.75% loss in income.

I'm fucked.

I'll try to ride it out, see if business picks up any, but I can only give it so much time before I have to move on.

Big girl panties, where are you?