Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Thanks for cursing me, Boss!

This should be a post about the incredibly awesome weekend Silver and I just had, visiting my brother and his family in North Carolina and going to Wrightsville Beach, but it'll have to wait.

I HAVE to tell you about something that happened today.

So, yesterday I had an evaluation, which basically means I massaged my boss, and he has to fill out a three-page form about it. During the massage, he casually asked me whether I had massaged any weirdos lately, and I was happy I could honestly answer, "No."

So guess what happened today?

Yup, snagged a weirdo!

Yes, it's YOU, Mr. A.A. of Alexandria, Virginia, formerly of Afghanistan!

Over the past year or so of doing massage almost daily, I've developed a finely honed Weirdo Early Warning System™, and the client I massaged this afternoon sent all the alarms buzzing stridently.

Here are some of the signs:

1) He grabbed his left ass-cheek and upper hamstring while telling me "I have really bad lower-back pain from sitting at a desk all day." Sorry, your ass and leg are NOT your back.

2) While I was massaging his back, he mentioned that he gets weekly massages at the "Chinese place" back home in Virginia. So, does the "Chinese place" have "Parlor" in its name?

3) During the hamstrings and glute massage, his hands disappeared under his body. Okay, the massage table IS narrow, and it can be uncomfortable for many people (including myself) to keep one's arms by one's side, but it's usually only necessary to tuck the fingertips under the hips or thighs, not the entire hand!

4) He was REALLY enjoying the glute massage, and while it's quite common for clients to moan and "Oh, yes!", all the previous indicators made me suspicious of HIS moaning and "Oh, yes!"-ing!

I was already on my guard when it came time to turn him over, and sure enough, he was pitching a pretty steep tent. I ignored it, as it happens frequently, and I'm a little like the proverbial ostrich about this whole issue, which usually works just fine with normal clients.

Mr. A.A., however, was having none of that!

As I was rubbing a super-moisturizing lotion into his feet, to prepare them for the hot-paraffin-wax treatment he was adding on to his massage, he ran both hands, outside the sheet, up his inner thighs and onto his abdomen, basically framing his package, while saying, "I have some serious pain here, do you think you could do something about it?"


Me *flatly*: "I'm not touching you there!"

Him: "Oh, I don't mean there, I mean here." *while rubbing the creases of his groin/inner thigh*

Me: "Sir, I'll massage your inner thigh, just above your knee, but that's as far as I'll go."

Him *pouting a little*: "Okay."

Paraffin applied, I began massaging his right quadriceps, when I noticed him stealthily sliding his left hand under the sheet to start rubbing his junk.

*Oh, HELL no!*

I don't like confrontation at all, but by this time I was close to either punching him in the face, or jumping up on the table and flamenco-ing my heels into his crotch!

This is what I said, instead:

"Okay, if you want this massage to continue, take your hand out from under the sheet, RIGHT NOW."

So he did, pouting even more, like a spoiled brat denied a third helping of ice cream.

The rest of the massage proceeded routinely, with no perverse interruptions.

Of course he didn't tip me.

In hindsight, I probably should have broken off the massage the instant he drew attention to his erection, but I felt like I should soldier on. Sleazebags like Mr. A. here know exactly what they're doing. He never came right out and asked me for a happy ending, or touched me, or anything, so it's a fine line I had to walk. I believe, since this really made me sick, that in the future I'll be a wee bit more assertive!

What do you think?


Julie said...

i think you did the right thing (but this is a "i'm glad it was you & not me" situation) ... he complied when you asked him to "behave" so i don't see that stopping the massage would have been appropriate.

Christina RN LMT said...

Thank you! I really felt that I was behaving professionally, I kept my tone pleasant, but firm, and I kept massaging him, when I really wanted to spit on him. I just don't know what my supervisor is going to say, when she hears about this...

CrankyProf said...

You were very professional.

I would have played whack-a-peen.

Anonymous said...

If you'd just given him the happy ending, I'd bet you would have gotten a nice tip.

I'm just sayin'.

Christina RN LMT said...

CrankyProf - *LOL*! "Whack-a-peen", I love it!

Anon. - You're undoubtedly right, but it's never going to happen.

Unless my hypothetical boyfriend and I are playing "Horny client and naughty therapist"...

Anonymous said...

I love that game!

Sonja said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. *shudder*

Christina RN LMT said...

Sonja, I did feel rather ill at the time, but I had two more clients scheduled after him (both men!), and had to soldier on. Luckily, the last two clients of the day were gentlemen.

Chuck said...

Wow, I could so have been Mr. A.A.!! But then again, even I know that that kind of action is reserved for the Asian joints...


Hey Christina....how you been?

Christina RN LMT said...

Chuck, it doesn't surprise me in the least! ;)

I'm doing just fine, and when I'm not, you can always read about it right here, on my blog!

Putz said...

my oldest girl lives in wrightsville north carolina, married to a dentist

Christina RN LMT said...

I LOVE NC. My brother keeps trying to get me to move there, and I'm not totally opposed...:)

phlegmfatale said...

I would have done what you did.
It IS a fine line.


At first, I thought you were going to say that your boss turned out to be the weirdo!

Christina RN LMT said...


Wow, that really would be awkward, wouldn't it?!

Anonymous said...

bwahahahahaha "wack-a-peen" hahahahaha.......how gross, seriously. You were extremely professional. Good job!

Christina RN LMT said...

kvegas911 - I told everyone at work about that one, and all the women loved it! One of my colleagues (A.) wants to get a little mallet engraved with it and hang it on the wall in her treatment room! (Wonder what the boss would say...?)

Anonymous said...

Sigh. Americans are so uptight about sex.

In Europe and ESPECIALLY Asia, the "happy ending" is seen as a normal, expected part of the massage. How does leaving a client in an aroused state satisfy the point of a massage?

Fortunately, even here in the US, there are massage therapists (and not only "Chinese" ones) who aren't frightened of, horrified by, or disgusted by an erect penis.

Christina RN LMT said...

Anonymous, I grew up in Europe, I'm not uptight, nor am I frightened of or disgusted by an erect penis. Some of my best friends are penises!

Wait...that came out wrong.

And anyone performing massage in the US and providing "happy endings" is in fact a prostitute, not a massage therapist. It's the whole legal thing, dontchaknow.

Massage is supposed to be sensual, not sexual. Relaxing and/or therapeutic, not arousing.

Buck said...

Late to the party, I am... but I know you'll get this in e-mail, if nothing else. This...

Some of my best friends are penises!

Wait...that came out wrong.

...was a LOL moment! And I don't think it came out wrong...at all! Unless you meant to say "dickhead" or something very like it. ;-)

You DID act professionally in Mr. A's case. I couldn't have, were the shoe on my foot. Especially were the shoe on my foot, given the gender thing.

Christina RN LMT said...

Well, Buck, better late than never, right?! ;)

Thanks for stopping by.

I still go back and forth in my head, wondering if I should have handled things differently. My female colleagues say they'd have ended the massage, one of my male colleagues (who's very laid back) says he'd have done what I did. The other male colleague I've not asked about it, since his nerves aren't the best and I'd probably get a rant.