Well, she made it...

FINALLY!

Stupid thunderstorms...

But she's HERE, and we're getting ready to eat a very late dinner. Crockpots rule, btw.

:D

Pics eventually to follow...after she gets a haircut. ;)

3...2...1...

Counting down...in a few short hours I'll be headed to the airport to pick up Silver.

Can't wait to see her!

After I pick her up, we're taking advantage of proximity and having dinner with Big Dick and Kelly, two of our favorite people!

Life is good. :)

---

UPDATE: Silver's flight is delayed due to all the thunderstorms we're having, so we literally have a raincheck on dinner with Dick and Kelly. :( Plus, Silver is going batty at having to sit in Minneapolis for HOURS. Poor baby.

Motherfucker!

I just almost got hit head-on by a pickup truck being driven by a fucking moron who doesn't know how to drive in the rain. Asshole.

I did it

I quit my job at the chiropractor's with no hard feelings on either side. It's all good, and day after tomorrow I start doing massages in my own room at the local nail salon...I can't WAIT!

I passed!

Got an email from the head of the Computer Department at Nearby Community College today: I passed that stupid exam!

They were generous. I scored 69.65%, and they rounded it up to 70%.

Who cares?

I FUCKING PASSED!

I do not have to take the class, and it's one more prerequisite down. Yay!!

Silver is running with the big dogs now...

It seems that UND had to rename its agricultural camera that's onboard the International Space Station.

Guess who was involved in the discussion and selection of the new name?

Damn, kids sure do grow up fast!

What are the chances?

I live in a really, really small town. So small that I recognize people in the newspaper. So small that the folks at the library and gym greet me by name. So small that when I get to talking with some of them, we find we have mutual acquaintances.

But who'd have thought I'd run into a fellow BLOGGER in this tiny, little town? Especially since it was completely random, coincidental, even.

The funniest part of this is that Mulligan and I are friends on Facebook, yet didn't even recognize each other the first time we met, at the chiropractor's! We talked about guns then, which led to this encounter, since he was stopping by the office to drop off an issue of Concealed Carry magazine for me, as he knew I'd be interested in it! To top off the serendipity, it's my day off, and I was just stopping by the office myself to a)pick up the sunglasses I'd forgotten earlier, and b)drop off my massage chair, since I don't need it at the moment.

What a string of coincidences! Culminating in the discovery of many, MANY mutual blogfriends, and of course the ULTIMATE: the aforementioned fact that we are facebook friends, yet were oblivious to it until now.


NO MORE, I SAY!

Thanks for the magazine, Mulligan! I really enjoyed chatting with you, and I need to get a t-shirt that says: "I'm Blogging This."

Because it's so true.

Inappropriate

A grown woman has no business answering to the nickname "Cookie".

I don't care how sweet she is.

Nice!

I massaged a lady today who's been an RN for twenty years. We chatted about my aspirations and she had some really good advice for me.

One of the things she said to me was a real ego-booster; she told me I had healing hands, and that I will be a fantastic nurse!

She also told me that, no matter what, I should never stop massaging! LOL.

I have no intentions on quitting massage therapy. Regardless of my future career, I will always be a massage therapist. End of story.

I enjoy it far too much to give it up!

Interesting...

a client yesterday had two tattoos. Not a big deal, really; many clients have tattoos. What made this client interesting was the location of her tattoos:

She had a tattoo on the dorsal surface of each big toe, one tiny butterfly and one tiny ladybug. I wish I could have asked her the significance of these tattoos, but my biggest rule during a massage is only speaking when spoken to. I never initiate a conversation.

So my curiosity will remain unappeased. Dammit.

Momma Cat

Is a GOOD Momma Cat!

You know you've had WAY too much coffee and popcorn...

when your pee smells like a movie theater Starbucks.

Just sayin'.

Well...

that was completely and utterly horrible. Ugh.

Suffice it to say that I guessed on probably 90% of the questions, so if I'm lucky, I passed, and if I'm unlucky, I failed. Oh, well.

Why do I need to know the innards of a computer? I mean, they let me take my driving test to get my license, and nobody asked me about the transmission or carburetor! ARGH. Plus, a bunch of the questions had answers that were all acronyms, so I had to guess those, too.

But I'm usually very good at multiple choice questions, so I hope I'm lucky!

The hands-on exercises were fucking stupid. Problem was, we were supposed to be tested on our knowledge of Office 2007, but the computer I was tested on had Office 1997-2003.

So some of the required tasks I was unable to complete. Fuck. Well, I did make some notes for the instructor who will be grading the test, just to let him or her know how fucked up everything was. The proctor told me that a gal taking the test yesterday had exactly the same issues as I. Maybe they won't take so many points off.

The ironic thing is, I had been so worried about the PowerPoint exercise, because I never learned or used PowerPoint in my life. I did a quick online tutorial last night and kept my fingers crossed...well, the PowerPoint thing was EASY. It was the Word and Excel that I found so very difficult to deal with. The things I thought I really had a good handle on. Well, fuck it. If I did fail, I'll just have to suck it up and take the class. It's not going to put me behind in my schedule, or anything.

It'll just be excruciatingly boring.

And I'll be out the fifty bucks I had to fork over to take this stupid test.

*sigh*

Update on Nothing...

Just a quick update on what I've been up to:

Nuthin'!

I have a test tomorrow at the Community College. It's their Computer Department exam, which I'm taking in order to satisfy the Use of Computers requirement for my degree.

Unfortunately, my penchant for procrastination has led me to NOT study as I should have, which depresses me, which in turn makes me cranky, which depresses me more. And so on, and so forth. Thing is, the worst thing that could happen is I fail the exam. Which would mean I'd have to actually take the class. Which wouldn't be the end of the world. Still, it looms in my mind like some kind of major, life-altering event. I need to get a grip!

Also, I have a DVD that's overdue at the local library. *gasp* Don't tell Breda!

I can't watch it until after I take this stupid test, because otherwise I'd feel guilty. My brain works in mysterious ways.

In other news, Silver will be here in just over two weeks, and my twins, Chaos and TallyAngel follow in June...I'm so EXCITED! Of course, I'll still be working two jobs and adding online, summer classes to that. I'm hoping we'll still have fun. :)

So, there's your Christina update! I'll blog after my exam tomorrow, so I'll either be buoyant with success, or hang-dog with failure. Either way, you'll know. And either way, it's all up to me.

Seen at Germanfest:

A stand with the sign:

GERMAN ROASTED NUTS

Hmmm, I was intrigued. Then I read what they had for sale.

Almonds
Peanuts
Pecans
Cashews

Wow, how GERMAN. *snerk*

Except for almonds, I'm pretty sure none of the others on this list grow in Germany. If I'm wrong, let me know in the comments.

I know, maybe the roasting method is particularly German! Or maybe I'm being far too generous. After all, they were also selling "sausage on a stick"...

Itteh, bitteh kitteh...

One of five:



Altogether now: AWWWWWWWW! :D

I WISH!*

So, there was a bit of drama at the spa today. We were superbusy, and the treatment rooms were booked almost back-to-back all day. I had a short break in the middle of the day, so I hied myself off to the (deserted) hotel employee breakroom, since the breakroom in the spa is minuscule and doesn't provide space or privacy for using my laptop.

It was 12:45, and my next appointment wasn't until 2 PM. I told the (rather overwhelmed) receptionist where I was going, mentioned that I had my phone with me, and took off.

Well, unbeknownst to me, my 2 PM was rescheduled for 1:30. Bri', the receptionist, dutifully texted me and expected me to show up on time, as usual. Unfortunately, the cell reception is rather spotty in our remote location, so I never got the text.

At 1:35, I was chatting with my pals on the Gunblogger Conspiracy IRC, while munching on an apple when my phone rang...

"Hello, this is Christina!"

"Uh, Christina, you have a massage at 1:30..."

"WHAT? I thought it was at TWO?!"

"It was, but they changed the time, I texted you..."

"Oh, shit, I'll be right there!"

So I raced back to the spa, carrying my laptop, phone, and half-eaten apple.

It was a side-by-side massage. Two friends getting half-hour massages in the same room. I was definitely late, but they didn't seem to mind, Kim and I got right to business and the clients left happy.

One lady who was NOT happy was Linda. *sigh*

Linda has raised complaining to an art form and spends most of the day grumbling about one thing or another. She was scheduled to do a service at 2 PM in the room Kim and I were using, and since we started late, and it was my fault, we couldn't short the ladies on their service time. Luckily, Linda's client was late in turn, so everything worked out fine. Funny thing is, not only is Linda a cranky-pants, she's also a hypocrite. She's the one who regularly goes over on her massages, resulting in a cascading effect of late starts, stressed therapists, and unhappy clients. Except for hers of course, since they, you know, get extra time and all...

ANYWAY, earlier, while I was having my lunch, blissfully unaware that back at the spa tempers were growing shorter as my absence grew longer, the following exchange occurred.

Linda: "Where's Christina, anyway? She's late! I have to be in that room by 2!"

Kim: "I have no idea where she is..."

Linda: "She's probably out there, having SEX with somebody!"

Kim: *blink blink* "Well, if that's true, Christina is having way more fun right now than WE are!"

Kim told me about this later in the afternoon. I still can't believe Linda believed/said that. It's so random. So bizarre. Yes, it's funny. But what in the heck was Linda thinking? That I was having some tawdry encounter in a broom closet with one of the janitors or maintenance people?

Weird.

I think I'll just keep trying to stay out of Linda's way, which is far easier said than done.

Wish me luck, Y'all!

---

*No, not really. At work, on the clock? EWWWW.

I wish I'd had my camera!

Nothing conveys a sense of increasing urgency better than a goose waddling at warp speed. And almost nothing is as amusing!

Especially when they're trying to escape my vicious dogs, who are completely oblivious to them and are only interested in running REALLY FAST down the road, plus peeing on every clump of grass, tree, and mailbox they encounter.

BOO-YAH!

Just received my THEA Math test scores, which are needed by the Nearby Community College before they can finish processing my application: I PASSED!

In your FACE, Nearby CC!

I will be needing NO remedial math classes, instead I can knock out my one math prerequisite for applying to nursing school.

I'm SO happy right now! :D

Not going well...

my second job, that is. I work for a local chiropractor three days a week, 21 hours altogether. Or at least I'm *supposed* to. In reality, this past week for instance, I only worked on Monday, 6.5 hours. If he thinks the next day is going to be "too slow", he'll text me not to bother to come in. This is a problem, because HEY! it's my job and I need the money!

The doc is an EXCELLENT chiro, and I speak from experience, but as a businessman...he's an excellent chiro. *sigh*

He's been in business at that location for the past five years, and yet he still barely scrapes by every month. Since I finished cleaning up the mess that was his patient charts, etc., there hasn't really been much for me to do.

But there's light at the end of the tunnel, because the owner of a local (very popular) nail salon is renovating a room for me, ordering all necessary supplies, and should be ready for me to start seeing clients in about two weeks. Then I will regretfully (yet with a sigh of relief) bid farewell to my front desk job at the chiropractor's, and start building up my massage business. Which is as it should be.

"Run, Forrest, RUN!"

Do you all remember that scene from "Forrest Gump", where Jenny is yelling at young Forrest to run, because the bullies are chasing him?

Well, I did my own recreation of that scene Sunday evening, and it feels like my adrenaline rush still hasn't worn off...

I got home from work, shoved my phone in my pocket, grabbed the dogs, and took them for our regular, we-can't-go-too-far-cause-Mama's-hungry walk. Basically, we go down the road a bit and turn into the closest lane, which has no outlet. This is a lovely street, especially since there's little traffic on it. Oh, and there are lots of pretty horses, too.

We've been down that road at least a dozen times since I discovered it a few months ago. I'm familiar with all the dogs who live there, and have even made friends with some of them. Or so I thought...

The road, as I said, has no outlet. It ends in a large cul-de-sac, where I pet a few horses before we head back home.

This time, when we had almost reached the cul-de-sac, a large lab-mix I'd never seen before came trotting off of one of the properties to greet us. I noticed two men working in the front yard, close to the house, but the lots are very large in this neighborhood, so I'd say they were about fifty yards away from the road. The strange dog appeared very friendly, from what I could tell of its body language, and the three pups proceeded with the sniffing-of-butts ritual that we're all so familiar with. The three moved off the road onto the verge, and Harley and Tucker had just peed on a tree there, when suddenly the strange dog (whose name is "Brownie", I discovered later), charged my larger dog Tucker and bowled him over. She then stood over him and, well, mouthed him is the only way I can describe it. She definitely wasn't biting, but her mouth made contact with Tucker's throat and she slobbered all over him.


Tucker is already leery of larger dogs, and he was absolutely terrified with this kind of behavior. He screamed/yelped, wiggled out from under her and took off.

The owners yelled for Brownie and she trotted off towards the house. If I had been smarter, I would have immediately headed toward home, but I thought the situation was under control, so we kept on going to our turn-around point.

We made the circle around the cul-de-sac and started walking back toward the main road, and home.

Unfortunately, Browie was NOT under the control of her owners, and as we passed the property going in the other direction this time, she again trotted up and decided to "play". I have to call it that, because if she had been serious, Tucker would be dead now. She kept charging him and bowling him over, lipping him and drooling on him, and Tucker by now was in a frenzy of fear. He took off like a rocket, which is where the title of this post comes in. I kept yelling, "Run, Tucker! RUN!" because he could easily outstrip the larger, pudgier dog. Italian GREYHOUND, remember? Born for speed? Thing is, Italian Greyhounds are also bred to be extremely loyal and attached to their people, so instead of running straight ahead, down the road and getting away, Tucker kept running in large circles around ME, orbiting me with Brownie in hot pursuit. And he was screaming bloody murder the whole time.

He also kept running up to me for help, which is where Brownie would manage to corner him and knock him down again. By this point, he was bleeding in half-a-dozen spots from his skin being scraped against the road surface. IGs have no undercoat, just very fine hair over delicate skin, so he had no protection.

I kept yelling at Brownie, stomping toward her, but my hands were full with Harley, and I couldn't get close enough to kick her, which I was fully prepared to do if I had the chance.

The younger of her two owners came running up with a stick and tried to drive her off and back to the house, but I guess she was having too much fun running Tucker into the ground, because she ignored both him AND me, and kept giving chase, including pursuing Tucker through a scummy pond.

Harley at this point found his courage and decided to even the odds a bit and squirmed out of my hold, jumping to the ground. He started chasing Brownie and snapping at her legs. Perhaps instinct kicking in, telling him to hamstring her? I don't know.

Tucker finally managed to get enough of a lead to get back to me safely, and I quickly scooped him up and headed down the road at a rapid trot, Harley by our side.

Brownie had ignored me up to this point, and luckily she didn't decide to try to knock Tucker out of my arms or go after Harley. Her hapless owners had meanwhile gone back to the house and gotten their pick-up truck, and they physically manhandled her into the cab to take her away. No words at all were exchanged between us, because frankly, by this point all I wanted to do was get myself and my dogs home safely. I didn't even look back to see what they were doing.

Tucker was extremely hot, and he was panting in my arms for quite some time. He also was extremely DIRTY, so I had to give him a thorough bath as soon as we made it back to the house, paying particular attention to his scrapes, which I then doctored with triple antibiotic ointment.

One thing stands out in my mind about this whole debacle. Even though it was playing out on a residential road on a Sunday afternoon, not a single person came out of his or her house to see what was going on. We were LOUD, Tucker and I. Him with his dog-in-mortal-danger screaming, and I with my furious yelling. Plus, Brownie's owner added to the din with his constant calling of her. Nobody heard, paid attention, or cared.

Yes, I had my phone with me, but what good would it have done? Who could I have called? Animal Control, where you leave a message on a voicemail and they get back to you whenever? The police, when we're six miles outside of town?

Plus, we had to ACT. I couldn't just sit there wringing my hands. I had to either kick the shit out of Brownie, if I could have gotten close enough, and assuming she then didn't turn on ME, or retreat, which is what we ended up doing.

If Brownie had been more aggressive or vicious, this would have ended tragically.

And it drives home the simple fact that I need to be armed with something more than a cell phone.

I need to buy a gun.

For the varmints of both the four- AND two-legged variety.

Massage Protip:

If I'm giving you the most awesome, most relaxing, most therapeutic foot massage you've ever received, please don't be lying back in the recliner, texting someone on your phone. It ruins the experience for both of us. Thanks.

Why wasn't I told?!

That minors are allowed to drink alcoholic beverages in the state of Texas as long as a parent or guardian is present?!

Who knew? So, Silver...are you ready to PAR-TAY?!

Had a blast!

Thank you, Phlegmmy and LawDog, for a wonderful meal in your lovely home, and thank you, Holly for taking me along for the ride. Thanks to all three of you for an evening filled with laughter, good food, mischievous puppies, entertaining tales, and more laughter.

Too bad I can't blog about the funniest things that happened. I want to keep on breathing...

:D

Holly, buried under three of the four Hounds of Doom:



MEAT, it's what's for dinner:



Time for Holly and me to head back home...one more picture, please!



A very, VERY good time was had by all...except maybe for my crank caller who got LawDog on the phone instead of me the second time she called. She probably wasn't expecting to hear, "County Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" Strangely enough, she hasn't called back since...

Finally!

I finally managed to snag a picture of Harley in one of his favorite places: Under my pillow. Usually he's curled into such a tiny ball that you can hardly tell he's there, but yesterday was a different story...



I loled.

:)

Just because...

...the Great Tampon Slaughter of 2010 wasn't enough, Tucker decided that he really, REALLY liked the fragrance of the pile of shit he discovered on our walk today. So he rolled in it. Fun times, I tell ya!

This is the first full bath I've ever had to give him, too.

Happy Easter

to my readers who are of that flavor. And to all the others out there, have a lovely Sunday!

Christina puts the "I" in "TMI"!

Strategic error number ONE: Discarding used feminine products in the bathroom trashcan.

Strategic error number TWO: Forgetting to close the bathroom door.

Strategic error number THREE: Not keeping an eye on the dogs while cooking dinner.

Result: A scene of utter carnage, including a trail of bloody paw prints leading from the bathroom into the bedroom, where the worst debris was found.

Does anyone know how to get bloodstains out of beige carpet? Thanks.

Christina's One Word Movie Reviews

Clash of the Titans = MEH.

The littlest things...

can make me happy. I ran into the thrift store today to find a hand-held mixer, struck out with that, but ended up leaving with five pairs of shorts, all for the bargain, thrift store price of $15.21 TOTAL. You can't beat that with a stick!

I got home and decided on a little "fashion show", just to make sure the pants all fit. I tried on several pairs, then on the third, I stuck my hands in the pockets to make them lie correctly, and I felt some paper crinkle under my fingers...I found THIS in the pocket:



Now that's something to look forward to. And it makes me happy. :)

Christina's One Word Movie Reviews

"How to Train your Dragon" in 3-D = FUCKING AWESOME!

Okay, two words, but they're the right words. :)

Today's my day off...

so I really didn't need to set an alarm clock. Tell it to my neighbor's rooster, who got loose again and decided that I needed to get out of bed, tout de suite. Feathery bastard, crowing right outside my window...chicken and dumplings sounds really good right now.

Stormy skies...

seen on my walk yesterday.













These didn't turn out half bad!

And we didn't even get any rain...I was sure we'd get a big storm.

Overheard at a Health Fair...

I'm doing chair massage, and I'm working on a little old lady. Random dude walks up.

"Would you like me to massage you while you're massaging her? I have WONDERFUL hands..."

Is my iPod trying to tell me something?

I have 422 songs on my iPod Nano. I have them on shuffle, since I like to mix things up.

EVERY TIME I've worked out in the past week or so, "What a Way to Wanna Be" by Shania Twain has played at some point during my exercise routine. Here are the lyrics:

I don't wanna wear that
It only makes me look fat
Time to tone my thighs-- gotta lose another size, yeah!
What a way to wanna be

Exfoliate--look great!
Feel guilty 'bout what you ate
You're buyin' all the books--
to learn the latest looks, yeah
What a way to wanna be

We like to buy, we like to spend,
to keep up with the latest trend
But we don't get no satisfaction
living like a slave to fashion
No more thinking for yourself,
just get it off a shelf

[Chorus:]
Oh, why be perfect? No,
it's not worth it!
Don't be so obsessed--c'mon give it a rest
This is not some contest--just do your best
'Cause nobody's perfect!
What a way to wanna be

Moisturize, exercise, erase the
rings around your eyes
Cover what you can,
get a Coppertone tan, yeah
What a way to wanna be!

Stabilize the mood you're in--
you're back on diet food again
Bigger is the best, but only
in the chest, yeah!
What a way to wanna be

We like to buy, we like to spend,
to keep up with the latest trend
But we don't get no satisfaction
living like a slave to fashion
No more thinking for yourself,
just get it off a shelf

[Repeat Chorus]

It's so very--unnecessary
Yeah, how insane--to be so vain
It's so synthetic--I just don't get it
I don't get it, baby, yeah, yeah

Don't be so obsessed--c'mon give it a rest
This is not some contest--just do your best
'Cause no--oh body's perfect!

[Repeat Chorus]



Not the true video, of course. You can't find those on youtube!

Now, I certainly wouldn't call myself obsessed with being perfect, since perfection is impossible to achieve. I do however believe that there's always room for improvement. So I'll continue to work out as much as I can, and Shania and this song can go to HELL!

He's a chiropractor...

not a medical doctor!

Fielded a call from a patient yesterday at the office. You could hear by the shakiness of her voice that she was trying not to cry.

Seems she rolled her ankle sometime during the day, and was now completely unable to put any weight on her foot or move it, and if she touched it, the slightest pressure made her nearly black out and/or want to puke.

So what does she do? She calls her chiropractor in a panic, hoping he can fit her into his schedule and "pop" her foot back into joint. Just like that.

In her magical world of rainbows and unicorns, her chiropractor has special powers that he uses to fix massive injuries, with the wave of his hand and by applying a little pressure. Oh, and by maybe taking an xray or two. Because soft-tissue injuries show up SO WELL on xrays.

I understand being hurt and afraid, but you have to have some common sense as well.
I also understand not wanting the hassle of going to the ER and probably receiving a whopping bill to boot, as I'm not insured, but for some things, you have no choice.

As my boss told her over the phone, icing it overnight is probably not going to help much. She needs to go to the ER and get an MRI. She shouldn't fool around with her ankle, as she's going to need it to be able to walk on that foot for decades to come.

Chiropractic is a wonderful practice, but it can't cure or fix torn ligaments and tendons, nor can it pop completely dislocated feet/ankles back into joint.

That's your PSA of the day.

Meh...

I'm one of those weird creatures with two middle names. Not only do they not go together, it make life sometimes slightly difficult. Like today, when I got a letter from the Texas Insured Something-or-Other (I already shredded the letter), letting me know that my car was not listed as insured in the state of Texas.

D'oh!

I did all they asked, compared the car's VIN to the one listed on my insurance policy, check. Got all the numbers together (VIN, insurance policy number, license plate number, reference number on the letter itself), and gave them a call.

After wending my way through the automated system, I got a hold of a nice lady named Linda, who asked me the fatal question: What's your FULL name...?

D'oh, again!

Seems that my insurance company has me listed as Christina A. (name redacted), while on my actual vehicle registration I'm listed as Christina A. I. (name redacted).

D'oh, for the third time.

Their computers couldn't handle this discrepancy and were unable to reconcile these two seemingly different identities, so my records never got properly amended.

Luckily, Linda was able to take care of it posthaste! Let's hear it for real humans!

All the while I was handling this, I was inwardly cursing my folks for not being able to agree on a middle name, which is how I ended up with BOTH. My dad's bright idea, btw. THANKS, DAD! ;)

On another meh note: Fat-free cheese is an abomination on par with Milli Vanilli: it doesn't MELT. Much.

Everything's Bigger in TEXAS...

Did you know that DFW airport is bigger than the entire island of Manhattan? I didn't, either! And I found this out by reading a Pro-Texas billboard on the side of the highway. I didn't know they felt it necessary to publish propaganda for the state...I thought the awesomeness of it spoke for itself. LOL!

Overheard in the Kitchen...

my roommate's reaction to receiving the Census letter

"They can go to hell! The less the government knows about me the better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-government. I'll defend 'em to my death...just anonymously."

Good point.

Plans

You know when you're all excited, 'cause you have a bunch of fun plans for your day off? Yeah, me too!

Tomorrow's my day off, but it's also spring break, and the spa is hopping. I just got a call from the lovely Bri, our receptionist, begging me to come in. We're normally closed on Mondays and Tuesdays, so it's hard for her to find people willing to come in on their days off to work. Yeah, I said I'd do it. Hey, I'm not going to turn down the chance to make money! I need all I can get: I'm going to have all three of my girls spending the summer with me (squeeeee!), and you know how teenagers eat. :)

Thursday is also my day off, so I'll just shift my "fun" plans over there. It's all good. Oh, even better: Bitchy-Woman refused to come it, so I won't have to deal with her! Yay!

It's such an incredibly lovely day outside...

I took a walk with my dogs and tried not to think about bitchy people who do nothing but bitch and bitch. And bitch. And tear other people down.

'Cause I work with someone like that, and I don't like it or her.

Grrrrrr.

Warning: Profanity Ahead!

If those motherfucking assholes who park their lazy, barely-driving-the-speed-limit selves in the passing lane, keeping ME from getting to where I need to go, don't GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY, I might have to unleash the rage.

This is a warning.

Context is EVERYTHING

Overheard at the chiropractor's office:

"Oh, you like this, huh? My wife says it does nothing for her..."

:D

Reason #3,468 I love living in a small town...

Marvin the Mechanic. Who figured out what the other bozos didn't, tightened the offending, screeching belt, AND cleaned my corroded battery connections. While discussing his pets, the flower beds he has around his house which his wife is working on today, and good places in town to get good, cheap food. And booze.

Then charged me ten bucks for it.

Life is good.

Happy Ending?

I've blogged here before about the crap I and most other therapists have to put up with from clients who want more than a therapeutic massage.

Here's a lovely video that *I* like to think sums up perceptions about massage, therapists, and what we'd like for every slimy client to get...

The video is sorta-kinda SFW...



(H/T to Salamander for telling me about the video and sending me the link.)

Just got back...

from walking a little over 5 miles with my dogs. We had a lot of fun, though my precious pups were dragging a bit there towards the end. I took some pics, petted some horsies (squeee), and now am rejoicing that I don't have to go to the gym today. Oh, and I won't have to dremel my dogs nails this week, either. They did that on their own, walking and running on the hard surface of the road.

I also really enjoyed hearing the croaking of frogs whenever I passed a pond (tank?). Cicadas I'm used to hearing. Frogs? Definitely none of those in Las Vegas!

As we walked across the yard to the street, I noticed some daffodils (?) spearing up from around the base of a tree. Did my taciturn, redneck, macho roommate plant these, or were they here when he bought the place, eight years ago?



Here are some of the views on our walk. I'm sure they will be even more beautiful when spring has fully sprung!



Love the water tower in the distance:



I'm sure very soon a bird couple will be using this nest:



The following REALLY amused me. A massive gate structure, suited to an equally massive mansion, plantation, or ranch house a la South Fork, yet up the driveway is a modest, unassuming three-bed-room (probably) brick house. The brick does match, though! Oh, and you can see Harley's butt in the second picture. The sun was so bright today, I couldn't see what I was photographing most of the time!





Speaking of my pups, they were so tired by the end of our trek, they stood still long enough for me to take pictures!



Inconceivable!

And when we finally got home, they lapped up a bit of water and collapsed. They are STILL sacked out, for that matter.

Tucker tuckered out. Harley is buried under sheets and blankets.



All in all a very good way to pass a couple hours. Now only if my 85 SPF sunblock had worked a bit better...*sigh*.

Imprinting

Much like ducklings or goslings, who imprint on the first thing they see after they've finished hatching out of the egg, newbie massage clients tend to stick with their first therapist if at all possible. This can be advantageous, naturally...if YOU are their very first massage experience. Unfortunately, it's much more likely that you'll get stuck with someone who is constantly comparing the massage you're giving them with the massage they've become accustomed to, always to your detriment.

Yesterday, however, the unexpected happened.

I did an 80-minute deep-tissue massage on a client who's been coming here since we opened last fall, who received her very first massage EVER from one of my colleagues, and who has been faithful to this other therapist since. She was not thrilled at all to have a different therapist, but I did my thing, and she seemed happy when we were finished, and tipped well.

Later I heard she went up to the front desk to check out and, with a grave expression on her face, stated to the receptionist, "We have a big problem..."

She liked MY massage better! She said she wanted to see me from now on, and was worried about hurting the other therapist's feelings.

Hopefully my colleague won't notice her defection, otherwise it could be awkward between us. Honestly, though, every therapist does his or her massage differently, and there are always going to be clients who prefer one over the other, it's the nature of the business and HUMAN nature, to boot.

So I'm never going to mention this to anyone at work, and hope I can keep flying under the radar, since I'm the low (wo)man on the totem pole at the spa...intentionally poaching clients is a serious no-no, and I don't want folks to get the wrong impression of me.

Hey, I can't help it if I'm good. ;)

When one has cool friends...

who go on marvelous adventures abroad, one never knows what kind of goodies might end up in one's mailbox...



Is she trying to tell me something? I'd like to think so.

I look good in black. ;)

Thank you, Brigid...I bet they heard my squeeeeeeeeing all the way in Houston!

D'oh!

Take heed and learn from my egregious example: It rarely pays to lie!

There's a nice Hispanic lady named Gloria who comes by the chiro office every Friday, selling tamales, burritos, or (like today) enchiladas out of her truck. The food's not that great, and she's EXPENSIVE, but every once in a while, I feel bad so I'll shell out the dough and buy food I don't really want.

My boss had reached his own personal limit, and when he saw her coming through the tinted windows of the practice, darted into his office while tossing, "I'm not here!" over his shoulder.

Gloria guilted me into buying the truly mediocre, overpriced enchiladas, then she asked, "Dr. *Chiro* not here?" I shook my head and said, "No"...right before my boss, not hearing MY answer and feeling guilty about hiding while Gloria was asking for him, strode out of his office to greet her.

OH. MY. GOD.

I was so unbelievably embarrassed, and I knew my face was turning fiery red. I quickly blurted, "Doctor! There you are!" as if that was going to fool anyone.

Boy, lesson learned. After Gloria had left, I threatened to throttle my boss, and I told him I'd never, ever lie for him again. I also decided never to purchase anything from Gloria again, because she'll probably spit (or worse!) into my food.

Sheesh, try to help a guy out, and all you get is humiliation and heartburn from bad enchiladas!

Live from North Texas...

it's Christina LMT, blogging from her very own home!

I have internet, and it's a Very Good Thing.

:D

More furry neighbors...

No, not THAT kind of furry, you sick-minded so-and-sos!

THIS kind of furry:






Pretty horsies, seen on my walk today. Full-sized ones, obviously...just for Buckskins Rule and FarmGirl!

I hope you are all having a lovely week!

Ew...

Is having dirty hair now "in", Ladies? I mean, I understand that it's easier to style your hair when it's NOT freshly washed, but if it's stiff with grease and dirt and product, if I can SMELL it when I'm sitting by your head, and if I feel like I need to shower after giving you a scalp massage, it's a problem of epic proportions, and I don't CARE how fantastic it looks.

Wise up, Women. Wash your fucking hair. At least wash it more than once every two weeks. Thank you.

Potpourri...

I laughed as I saw what a patient had entered for "spouse's profession" on his new patient form: CEO Domestic Affairs
Considering they have five children ranging in age from 20 years old to 10 MONTHS old, it's no surprise he describes her thus. A weak person couldn't handle those kind of domestic affairs!

A patient who is a member of the Greatest Generation kissed my hand today and called me "pretty lady" upon being introduced. I was flattered and thanked him for his service. He demurred and insisted he'd done nothing but dance at the USO with pretty women. Somehow I doubt that...

And finally, I checked tomorrow's schedule at the spa just now and discovered I have a returning client, one who requested me by name, no less. The fact that this happens to be the client who tipped me a Benjamin after his first massage from me is icing on that particular cake!

---

Update:
Forgot to mention that there's been a loaded shotgun lying in the kitchen since I got up this morning, and I finally found out why from my roomie this evening. Seems there's a family of skunks that's decided to take up residence in the sheep shelter/barn, and they cheekily decided to show themselves in all their racing-striped glory to my roommate this morning. By the time he ran back into the house and got the shotgun, they'd vanished. Tomorrow morning, he'll be better prepared...in my roommate's words, "Their time on earth is almost up..." You do NOT want to be an unwanted critter on my roommate's land.

Seen at a local Mom 'n' Pop burger stand...

a sign stating:

HIPPIES USE THE BACK DOOR. NO EXCEPTIONS.

With a big arrow pointing to the back of the place. I laughed. I need to get a picture of it next time I'm there. (Note to self: always carry camera in purse, dammit!)

Also amusing was a patient I was chatting with as she was waiting to see the doc. We were commenting on how MOTHERFUCKING COLD it's been lately, and what we've been doing to combat our goosebumps and chills without racking up the utility bills.

She kept talking about how awesome "vortex" was, and I had to hide my chuckles, since I'm pretty sure she meant "gortex". Oh, well...it rhymes nicely.

My four-legged neighbors...

as promised.

Oh, and as an aside, I WILL be getting internet service in the next few weeks, so hopefully my blogging will pick up. Then again, who knows? ;)

Here's the flock of sheep that lives in my back yard. Tucker delights in charging the electric fence, stiff-legged and barking, whenever they happen to be close by.



Here's the mama sheep (or "ewe", lol) with her two surviving lambs. I believe I mentioned she had triplets but the runt died the first night. See the size disparity between the two remaining lambs? Amazing!



I still can't figure out what breed of sheep they are, though I've been googling like mad. I suppose I could just ask my roommate, but what fun is that?

Here are the asses of a herd of cattle that live next door to the east of me, they're gathered around a giant bale of hay. And what's with these huge, rolled-up hay bales? I thought hay came in square bales you could pick up and sling onto the bed of a pick-up truck?



Here's Bucky the Goat, my neighbor to the West.



And finally, here's a herd of miniature horses, whom I pass every time I drive into town. They're still shaggy with their winter coats, and I think they're ADORABLE. I squee every time I pass them. :)





What do y'all think of my brainstorm of breeding mini-mules, using miniature mares and a teeny-weeny donkey? Brilliance or folly? I think I could make a mint...

I really need to remember my camera...

I want to take pics when I'm out and about, so I can show y'all some of my four-legged neighbors.

A dog which I thought belonged to a house my pups and I were passing on our walk today decided to join us. It was touch and go with Tucker for a bit, since our new friend was quite a bit larger than they and Tucker has a bit of a Napoleon complex. Finally, after a few minutes of whining and charging him and barking, Tucker settled down and we all continued on our collective way. Only problem was, when we got back to the house I was sure was New Friend's, he completely ignored it and kept on walking with us.

Uh-oh...it was the classic "he followed me home" scenario! Unfortunately I don't have a fenced yard, and I certainly couldn't bring a strange dog into my roommate/landlord's house, so I got him a bowl of food and called animal control, instead.

Then I went about my day, running errands in the nearest bigger town. I got a call from the Animal Control Officer, telling me he was at my house. He heard my two pups barking from inside, and all four garage kitties came to make friends with him, but there was no sign of my New Friend, the big yellow dog with huge paws. I'm worried about him, I won't lie, because people drive like maniacs on these country roads, and I'm afraid he'll be roadkill before long. Or else the coyotes will get him.

Well, who knows? Maybe I'll get home today and he'll be waiting for me! The question is, what do I do then?

Things I noticed on my drive into town today, by way of Snowmageddon...

First, a big, ole roadrunner in the middle of the road. He skedaddled quickly at my approach.

Then I saw a large outbuilding, whose corrugated tin roof had completely collapsed due to the weight of the snow.

Lastly, I saw a lucky kid, belly-down on a sled, being towed behind a tractor. Man, I only got to slide down hills when I was little!

Also, it's hysterically funny to observe my dogs bounding through belly-deep snow. I larfed and larfed.

Snow

This morning at around 7 AM, I woke up to this:





By around 1 PM, it looked like so:






I had to sweep my car off with a broom and kick the accumulated snow from behind my car so I could back out of there. Fun. At least the roads aren't frozen yet. That's for after dark tonight, when all the lovely slush and snowmelt freeze and transform streets and parking lots to ice rinks. I'm making DAMN sure I'm home before dark today. And I'm also DAMN glad I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. Most likely, that is...I'm on call at work in the afternoon...

I don't know about you...

but I thought being a bodyguard required some kind of discretion. I mean, shouldn't you take care to do your job unobtrusively? Unless of course you've been hired for show by some Hollywood wannabe.

So, personally, I don't get driving around in your Mercedes with the vanity plates reading:

BDYGARD

Unless you think it'll get you laid.

Nightmare

I had a horrible nightmare last night, the kind of nightmare that stays with you far longer than it ever should.

In this dream, my EX-roommate (the one in Las Vegas, I mean), who inexplicably was represented by Norm MacDonald, was pissed off at me for some reason. Really pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that he grabbed my dog Tucker and broke Tucker's front leg with his bare hands.

I was understandably horrified by this turn of events, but instead of calling the cops, I merely kept bleating, "It's $3000 to fix his leg!"

And the dream continued on, covering a day or so, throughout which Tucker cried and yelped piteously whenever he tried to put any weight on that leg. Ugh. Horrible.

I woke up at some point and cuddled Tucker even tighter, murmuring, "Poor baby! Poor baby!"

I'm having a hard time forgetting this one.

Riiiiiiiight...

I had a client earlier today who made me scratch my head. No, she didn't have head lice which she passed on to me. She just confused me.

I was reading her intake form before the massage, and she'd circled the great big NO next to "diabetes", yet she listed Metformin under her current medications. I recalled that Metformin, aka Glucophage, was an oral medication for diabetes, so I asked her about it.

"Oh, I take Metformin. It helps control my insulin levels. But I'm not diabetic. I don't have diabetes!"

Okey-dokey. De Nile is not just a river in Egypt, Folks.

Now if any of you edjumacated people out there have a different explanation for this apparent incongruence, let me have it. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.

It's all over but the shouting!

EXCELLENT news from my lawyer today! The parents of the babies I had are settling with the perinatal specialist! WOO-HOO! I just have to sign a waiver and release, have it notarized, and fax it to their lawyer. They are understandably concerned that I'll keep hitting them up for money, but I know for a fact this was the only outstanding bill dealing with the pregnancy, so I have no issues signing the waiver.

In other news, my life is so unexciting now that I have nothing much to report. I did apply at the local community college, with an RN major. I also went to the movies TWICE this week. I watched Avatar for the second time, this time in 3-D, which was excellent, and I saw "The Blind Side" yesterday, which totally blew me away. This is one of those rare movies that I think about a lot after seeing, also one of the exceedingly rare ones I plan on purchasing once it comes out on DVD. Good flick, go watch it. Sandra Bullock is outstanding, and the other actors are no slouches, either.

In other, other news, I'm coming to the inescapable conclusion that I need to find an additional job. Working two days a week is not going to pay my bills, and it would be really, really nice to be able to afford having internet service IN MY HOME. Imagine that, what a concept. ;)

So, it's back to checking craigslist obsessively and applying everywhere. Sigh.

Hope y'all are cruising along in the "smooth-sailing" lane.

You know you're doing a DEEP deep tissue massage...

when the massage table creaks loudly from the pressure you're putting on the body lying on said table!

Also: Had an interesting client yesterday. He's a pianist, a bowler, AND a martial artist (hapkido). Upper body, no particular tension or tightness, but his LEGS were like rocks. Weird combo, any way you slice it.

I don't have a yard at the moment.

It's more like a swamp crossed with a lake. And it's SO MUCH FUN taking the dogs out. NOT.

*sigh*

Oh, well. They'll go when they have to go, even if I have to drag them outside on leashes.

I just hope it doesn't get quite cold enough to freeze, but I'm afraid that's a forlorn hope.

But I've got nowhere to go tomorrow, and I checked out a stack of books and movies at the library today. AND I have plenty of food, too. So it'll be a jammies-and-blankets day, chez Christina!

Did you know...

that one of the main reasons I moved to Texas was all the awesome bloggers who live here?

One such blogger is the marvelous Roismhaire, a Plano massage therapist with her own business, whom I met via our blogs long before I moved here.

She's funny, she's smart, and she's a true friend. We got together at her house on Monday, went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch (there were, like, FIVE Mexican restaurants on the same street...is Texas awesome, or what?!), then headed back to her house for some tinkering on the computer.

You see, Roismhaire has a Masters Degree in Computer Science (Shhhhhh! Don't tell her I told you!), and she's setting up a website for my business! Out of the goodness of her heart! FOR FREE!

Plus, she helped me design my new patient consultation sheets and my treatment notes, as well.

Even before my move, she was always ready with advice and tips on being a therapist in Texas, and she's always offering encouragement and strategies for success.

On top of all that, she's simply a hoot! We laugh and laugh, whether we're on the phone or meeting IRL.

I'm so glad she's my friend.

Now I just have to get her, Phlegmmy, and Holly together...the awesomeness would exceed safety parameters! But what a way to go!

Girls' Night Out!

I had the glorious opportunity last night to enjoy a delicious meal in the company of two dear friends.

We met at Sweetie Pie's Ribeyes in Decatur, which I cannot recommend highly enough. Chicken Fried Ribeyes...who knew?

In addition to moi, Holly and Phlegm Fatale rocked the joint.

Naughty jokes were told (which caused our waiter to join us at the table at one point), and we were quite raucous in general, which is par for the course if you ever get any of us together.

Our waiter declared we were the best customers of the week, and gave us a free piece of red velvet cake to share...delicious!

Anyhoo, without further ado, here are some mugshots of the perpetrators pictures of all the gang.

Pretty in purple, it's Holly!


Lighting up the room with her smile, La Phlegm!


Here's the three of us (or two of us and my head, anyway...)


And Holly and myself with our fantastic waiter, showcasing his Popeye tattoo.


As you can see, a good time was had by all. Naturally. ;)

Man, the only problem I have with dinners like these is how short they are! We need to have a pajama party/sleepover sometime. Yes! That's it! Movies, games, girl talk, popcorn and ice cream...an overnighter!

*rubbing my hands together with glee*

I must get to planning!

Muahahahahahahaha!

You know you live in rural Texas...

when there's a huge bloodstain in the garage from where your roommate just blew away a gigantic, cat-food-stealing possum with his shotgun.

My new place...

Here are some pics of my new home, with gratuitous kitty shots tossed in for good measure. Oh, and Silver, when she was here, at the library!











I like it here so much. It does take a bit getting used to, though, how driving long distances is now becoming the norm!

It's not the destination, it's the journey.

No, I'm not waxing all philosophical on you, or not too much, anyway.

Last Sunday, I got off of work early, and since it was such a beautiful day (unlike windy, chilly today), I got the pups leashed and we headed out for a long walk. I needed the exercise, meself!

We set off to explore areas I'd not yet visited in my perambulations, and since the road was extremely flat (thus the visibility was good) and very untraveled, I let the dogs off-leash so they could run.

Now remember, in Vegas, the only time I actually walked the dogs was when we were going to the park.

After about a half-hour or so of marching along, I turned around to head back home. Harley looked up at me all bewildered, as if to say, "WTF, Mom?! Aren't we GOING somewhere?!"

I replied, using my best Farmer Hoggett voice, "It's not the destination, Harley, it's the JOURNEY."

He still looked at me like I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Oh, well. Pearls before swine, and all that.

While we were on our way back home, I took a moment to greet some horses that were grazing along the fence line (squeeing internally, I might add. I've always been horse crazy.)

My dogs ambled a little closer to the fence, and I could almost see the wheels turning in Harley's little brain, "DAMN, that's a big dog!"

He eyed the horse's posterior, and I all but saw the thought bubble pop up over his head, "Man, his butt's way too high up! How'm I supposed to sniff it?!" Since I didn't happen to have a stepladder handy, and since the horse was on the other side of the fence anyway, Harley was destined to be disappointed. Poor thing.

I still think my dogs believe all the other critters around here are very strange dogs.

In any case, we had a really good time. :) I look forward to our next walk in the country.

Better late than never...

Not having internet at home sucks. Big time. That being said (and it's my excuse for the lack of posting), I'd like to FINALLY say what a fantastic time I had at our mini-blogmeet on the 15th!

I'm normally uncomfortable in groups of people I don't know, but I had so much fun meeting Barleythere and Mrs. Barleythere, DanielS., and Mr. and Mrs. Swamp Rabbit, that I didn't feel uncomfortable for a second. Of course it's always fabulous to see Holly and JPG. :)

The food and company were splendid, I just wish we'd had more time together. Well, next time we can pick a place closer to the Big City, so that the drive for the others isn't so much of a bear.

Thanks again, Y'all, for coming out to see everyone and for giving me the chance to meet you, I really appreciated it!

Unfortunate News...

Ambulance Driver will not be able to attend the Mini-Blogmeet scheduled for tomorrow.

To anyone who planned on attending merely to bask in his exalted presence, I apologize and hope you'll still be there at Babe's, tomorrow night at 8:00 PM!

Blog Meet is ON!

Come one, come all!

Date: Friday, January 15th

Time: 8:00 PM

Location: Babe's Chicken Dinner House

Attendees:

Christina LMT (duh!)
Holly
JPG
Ambulance Driver
Phlegm Fatale
LawDog

Possibles:
Tolewyn
Plus a super-seekrit blogger relative...

If you want to attend, EMAIL ME OR LEAVE A COMMENT ON THIS POST.

Thank you!

---

Update:
DanielS will be attending, too!

You know you live in a small town...

when the librarian takes your picture for the local paper, since you're the very first library patron to take advantage of the new interlibrary loan service!

God, I love it here!

In other news...

if you'll direct your gaze to the ticker in my blog's sidebar, you'll see that I'm in weight-loss triple-digits now! I never truly thought I'd see the day, but my success has exceeded all my dreams and fantasies. Just a few more pounds to go!

Where to start...?

Well, quite a lot has happened since Friday, and I guess I'll start from the beginning. Yeah, very boring and conventional, I know.

Friday evening, Silver and I had the wonderful opportunity to meet my blogfather, Big Dick, his gorgeous wife, Kelly, and his son, Dick, Jr. at Babe's Chicken Dinner House. Yes, I know he'll shake his head and roll his eyes at being called my blogfather, but too bad, so sad! He'll just have to suck it up and deal with it!

Not only was the company exceptional, but the food was to die for. Hands down the best fried chicken I've ever had. A foodgasm was easily achieved.

Saturday was my first day at the new job, and though my colleagues were grousing about it being slow in comparison to the usual Saturday, I was thrilled that I had services, despite being the therapist with the least seniority, and there being five other therapists there that day. Shit, at my last job in Vegas, *I* had the most seniority, so I was the therapist booked first, and I STILL wasn't getting any work. Now THAT'S slow, People!

After I got home from work, it was time to load up Silver, all her plethora of crap, the dogs (speaking of crap...;)), and drive up to Oklahoma to take her to the airport. Winter break is over, it's time for school again, muahahahaha!

She's arrived safely and I'm back home now, too. God, I hate long drives, especially when I'm tired, especially when it's after dark, and ESPECIALLY when there are so many stretches of highway under construction. I had a douchebag in a tiny car behind me for about half an hour who had four ultra-bright headlights competing to see which would blind me the most and cause my head to explode from the pain. I finally just risked getting a speeding ticket and zoomed away.

Also, it's freaking COLD. I mean, really, REALLY COLD. Ugh.

This could have contributed to something amusing that occurred in one of the aforementioned construction zones.

You know those electronic signs that the authoritah puts up around construction zones to advise drivers of crap? Well, on one stretch of highway, Silver and I counted at least six of these things, and every one advised us individually of a different speed in the construction zone. And no two consecutive signs stated the same speed! Either someone had fun hacking into the system, or the cold caused some snafus, 'cause the first sign stated, "Speed limit 49 ahead." WTF? 49? The next one said 47, followed by 49 a couple times, then 46, then the last sign said, "Speed limit 38 ahead." Weird. Especially because the only non-electric speed limit sign in the entire construction zone indicated that the speed limit was in fact 55.

Oh, well. At least Silver and I got some lulz out of it! We arrived at my wonderful friend's house and got a quick nap in before it was time to drive Silver to the airport. Having such good friends ROCKS! I also had the opportunity to eat at Cracker Barrel for the first time EVAR (weird, I know!). They certainly cook a bang-up breakfast! Finally I hit the road again and made it back home in around three hours.

Anyhoo, that's my weekend wrap-up. Tomorrow I have some training at our spa location in Plano, and my work schedule for next weekend is already shaping up nicely.

Also, a mini-blogmeet is in the works for next Friday. As soon as arrangements are set in stone, I'll share the details!

Hope y'all have a good week!

You're shitting me, right?!

I happened to mention to my friend AD the issues I've been having getting my dogs to, *ahem*, defecate in a timely fashion.

It's been cold, it's been damp or drizzling, snowing or windy, or a combination thereof, and my dogs tuck their tails in to keep their nethers protected. I walk them around and around the yard, freezing my own ass off, until I finally give up and head back inside to the warmth. They just DON'T want to go, which has led to them pooping inside the house in the middle of the night.

Now AD used to train dogs, it was his business, so normally I'd trust any advice he could give me about dogs. However, AD is also a supreme practical joker and all-around smartass, so when he told me to dampen a matchstick and shove it up my dog's butt, I questioned his motives and my sanity.

I finally broke down yesterday, since I still had some casino matchbooks in my purse (it's always helpful to have matches on hand, since you never know when you might need to start a fire), and tried out this trick.

Unbelievable. Within 30 seconds, both my dogs were squatting and taking care of business.

No more stress, no more worries about them sneaking off and pooping right in front of my roommate's bedroom door (yes, one of them did this a few nights ago, and guess what my roommate stepped in first thing in the morning?) *facepalm*

So, thanks, Ambulance Driver, font of obscure, poop-related knowledge!
I can rest easy now, both in the knowledge that my dogs won't crap in the house, and in the fact that you were NOT shitting me, pun absolutely intended!

Doesn't mean I didn't google it, first chance I had today! ;-)

The Matchstick Trick

Things I love about living in rural Texas...

-The peace and quiet.

-How I can see all the stars and constellations at night.

-Hearing roosters crowing in the morning.

-That my boots get mucky enough I have to take them off as soon as I enter the house.

-Noticing kitty paw-prints all over my car.

-That Harley has made friends with at least one of the barn cats, who loves to rub herself against him as he sniffs her.

-Seeing cattle and horses on a daily basis. Actually, having cattle and horses to either side of my house!

-Hearing coyotes howling at night, sounding like wolves...and hearing the neighbor's donkeys braying defiantly in reply.

-Seeing green grass, even in winter.

-Christmas wreaths on the front of big-ass pick-up trucks.

-How friendly and helpful everyone is.

-Seeing cows grazing right next to an adult video store.

-Passing the "Northfork Ranch"...LOL

-The Red River

-Seeing cardinals every day.

-Passing a stretch of country road lined with trees, which seems to be the territory of a very large raptor of some sort, since I see it perched in one or the other of the trees almost every day.

-Saying "Y'all". :D

-The wonderful library and the lovely people who work there.

-The sunrises and sunsets.

-Oncoming traffic stopping to let me make a left turn (UNHEARD of in Las Vegas!).

-Really cheap auto insurance.

And finally:

-IT'S NOT LAS VEGAS!!!!

Haiku Time

Yes, it's that time again! I've woefully neglected Sparrow's weekly haiku contest, due to the whole moving half-way across the country thing, but I luckily made it this week!

So, go! Write haiku and submit them to the contest, it's for a good cause. You only have until 10 PM EASTERN to finish it, so don't dilly-dally!

Thanks

I owe thanks to so many people, I'm not sure where to begin. Well, I guess I should begin at the beginning, right?

Thanks to the wonderful FarmFamily in Colorado, and all the attendees at Blogorado in early November, who showed me what it's like to spend time with true, like-minded friends.

Thanks to Gay_Cynic, who mercilessly and relentlessly pummeled me with logic on our drive back to Las Vegas from Colorado. He made me realize that moving to Texas was not just feasible, but NECESSARY.

Thanks to my miserable, moody jerk-of-a-roommate in Las Vegas, who made moving out that much more attractive.

Thanks to all my friends and colleagues in Las Vegas, who didn't say I was crazy, but rather encouraged me to follow my dream and get the hell out of Sin City.

Thanks to my daughter Silver, who after a brief moment of fury at my decision, backed me up 100% and helped me move.

The most thanks go to my anonymous Knight in Shining Armor, who oh, so generously accompanied us on our cross-country trek, while putting up with driving the beast of a rental truck, dealing with my traumatized and occasionally ill-mannered pups, and the sniping that's common between mothers and their know-it-all teenage offspring.

Thank you, all you wonderful people!!!

*mwah*

Houston...

we have a problem.

Somehow I don't think I'll be able to walk my dogs here:




Sorry, this just tickled my funny bone! This pic is from our first night on the road, in Flagstaff. They'd had a foot and a half of snow the week before. Luckily, we had great weather the entire trip.

Farewell, Las Vegas!

'Cause I'm outta here!

No regrets.

TEXAS, here I come!

I have no idea when I'll be able to get online, and no clue about my eventual internet access in my new home, so it'll be catch as catch can.

As a final token of my love for Las Vegas, I give you the smoke shop I always marveled at, the shop whose proprietor for the longest time I was sure was named "Huka", and you'll see why...



Ah, Vegas...you gotta love it!

The girl is back in town...

Yay, Silver is here!!

Just in time, of course, to help me with the move. I'm so glad to see her!

Heh, she asked me if I thought she looked any older, and I said, "Nah...you still look like you're twelve!"

Hey, I'm the MOM, I get to say shit like that!



Isn't she a cutie?!

Amazing.

So, Tuesday was my last day at the spa, and I had no regrets whatsoever at leaving. Most of the people who worked there with me from the beginning are long gone, having moved on to bigger and better things. (Sound familiar? ;)) Not to mention that I made a whopping $175 the entire last week I worked there.

It was a completely different story at the chiropractor's. Yesterday was my last day there, and I was very sorry to see my patients for the last time. A patient I've been massaging for months was scheduled, and since we always chat during our sessions, she knew it was my last day and that I was moving to Texas. This lady is unemployed at the moment, living with her sister, and has no car. She instead rides her bike all over the valley, taking enormous risks (in my opinion), since this town is not exactly bicyclist friendly! She's also a full-time student, and for obvious reasons, she's extremely short of cash. After the massage was over, I went into the room to change the sheets and found 15 one-dollar bills and a mound of change on the table, underneath her discarded gown. I was so touched that she'd literally emptied her pockets for me. It's nice to know that such a special lady is rooting for me and appreciates me!

One of my previously discharged patients called the office wanting to know who was there, since she had some home-made pomegranate jelly to give to everyone, and when she heard it was my last day and that we'd had a no-show, she raced over to fill the slot and paid out of her own pocket, her insurance benefits having been exhausted already. Oh, and I got a jar of jelly, too. :)

She also asked me, if I had time, to come over to her house this evening to massage her and her daughter, and I was glad to do so. Not only is she super-nice and one of my very favorite patients, but every little bit of money is going to help me with my moving expenses.

I'm going to miss these special people, but hope to still stay in touch. (H'ray for the intarwebz!)

Tomorrow I load up the rental truck (which I'm picking up at 7:30 AM...GAH!) and hit the road toward my new life.

I can't wait to get started.

La Cucaracha

I don't know if I've mentioned this, but though creepy-crawlies in general don't disturb me in the least, I'm quite phobic when it comes to the dreaded, disgusting, disease-bearing COCKROACH.

I was preparing for a Diamond massage the other day, which is our most exclusive, expensive service. It involves a full-body scrub (exfoliation), plus a massage incorporating Swedish, deep tissue, and hot stone modalities.

I opened one of my cupboards to check how many sheets I had, and froze...as did the heinous cockroach sitting on the topmost sheet in the stack.

Now, when I say "phobic", I mean that I've mostly overcome the severe phobia I had as a child. I don't scream anymore, or gag, or jump on top of the nearest chair, table, bed, etc. Nor do I run away and cower in a corner, whimpering pathetically. (All behaviors which I have displayed in the past.)

Instead, as I felt my heart rate ratchet up while I started hyperventilating, I sprang into action. I HAD to kill this motherfucker, before the service started, and without alerting the guests on the other side of the door that anything at all was amiss. I slowly backed away, even as the noisome critter impudently twitched its antennae at me.

Bugspray! Where was the bugspray? Did we even HAVE any bugspray? Apparently not, I decided after frantically searching the storeroom. Foiled, I decided to return to the scene of the insectoid crime and dispatch the miscreant using more forceful measures...i.e. my shoe.

I pushed the table aside, so the bug couldn't run underneath, then, holding one of my shoes aloft, I started wildly pulling sheets out of the cupboard and onto the floor. Hey, they were soiled already, so who cares?

There it went! Unfortunately, it scurried into the next cabinet over, where all the towels and face cradle covers were neatly stacked. Great, now I'd have to replace all of those, too.

All this time, the clock was ticking down, every second bringing me closer to the moment when I'd have to collect my client from the lounge area.

I finally gave up, after emptying the towel cabinet, too. The vile critter had obviously scurried back into whatever hell spawned it, leaving behind droppings as evidence of its miserable existence. Droppings *I* would now have to clean up. Blech.

After hastily disposing of the soiled sheets and towels (and the poop, never forget the poop), I went and got my client and started the service. This was the longest hour and a half of my life, if you disregard the times I was in labor, of course.

The whole time I was massaging and scrubbing the nice lady who'd forked over a small fortune for this privilege, I kept seeing shadows scurrying out of the corner of my eye. You have to remember that the room is extremely dark, as well...this contributes to the client's relaxation. It was doing NOTHING for my blood pressure, though. Any time my ankle brushed against one of the dangling edges of a sheet, I imagined the skittering legs of the roach depositing germs in their wake. It was all I could do to at least maintain the semblance of calm. I had nightmare visions of the cockroach crawling ON MY CLIENT during the service.

I wanted to cry.

Finally, after about three eternities, we were through. I couldn't hustle the client out of the room fast enough!

I looked around my treatment room carefully: No roach.

I restocked my cupboards and went about my business, albeit with one eye always scanning the floors and walls carefully, wanting to make sure my nemesis didn't take me by surprise again.

It wasn't until the next day the villain showed its ugly face again, cheekily sitting on top of the clean sheets in the cupboard, causing me to experience serious deja vu.

Luckily, on this day I could employ my secret weapon: my favorite spa attendant, Maura! She who has no fear of cockroaches, and was blase about smashing it with MY shoe (hey, it was the least I could do, since she was willing to kill it, to let her borrow my shoe to do so), after I had rendered it a bit incapacitated but not dead by judiciously employing Lysol spray in an attempt to kill the damn thing.

My foe finally vanquished, I tidied up my room, new sheets AGAIN, and prayed I'd not have another encounter with an evil cucaracha.

You hear that, Cockroaches? Stay away from Christina LMT!

Yee-HAH!

My brand spankin' new Massage Therapy License for the State of Texas arrived in the mail today!

*whew*

I'm so relieved...now I can get right to work as soon as I get there!

---

Sorry for the ghetto "photoshop", I didn't want to waste time tinkering with the pic!

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha

An interesting canvas...

I keep my car parked in the (tiny) driveway of my roomie's house. Yesterday morning, I awoke to find my car encased in a lovely layer of ice. I luckily have a rear windshield defroster, and I scraped enough of the front windshield with my gloved hand to enable me to drive to the stop 'n' rob to get my morning decaf coffee.

Today, as I was driving away from my veterinarian, I glanced in the rearview mirror and noticed some writing in the dusty residue on my rear windshield. Some witty person had written GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!!!! on it at some point during yesterday's icy morning.

I larfed and larfed!

'Nother Update

So...I've found a place to live!

Actually, I found it via Craigslist the Saturday after Thanksgiving. :)
I'm renting a room from a gentleman who lives in exactly in the area I wanted to move to, so YAY!

He lives in a large home on several acres of land, raises sheep, rabbits, and chickens, and has a 2,000 sq.ft. garden in his backyard that he could use some help with. Hey, the price is right, and if I get to eat the produce from that garden, of COURSE I'm going to help! I told David (my future landlord/roomie) that as long as he showed me what to do, I'd be glad to help out. Oh, and kids and pets are welcome...he has plenty of room. (Yes, I googled him and checked the sex offender registry, give me some credit!) Plus, I do have good instincts about people.

In other news, I have a part-time (weekend) job waiting for me, too! At a brand-new spa about a half-hour (freeway) drive from Newtown. That was a complete shot in the dark, btw. They hadn't advertised an opening, I just googled local spas and emailed them with my resume attached. Then they contacted ME. Life is good.

Silver and I roll out of Vegas on Friday the 18th of December, and I do NOT plan on looking back.

Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

You know...

...you live in a questionable neighborhood when one of your neighbors is breaking pieces of styrofoam off of a box to use as "snow" for her outside Christmas display.

Update:

First off, I called the Texas Board of Massage Therapy today and my application HAS BEEN APPROVED!!!
Now I just have to wait for them to print the actual license and mail it to me. :D


Second, my lawyer, Denise (name redacted), received the medical billing statements from the opposing attorney and sent them on to Darci at the surrogacy agency, along with a sternly worded email. Something to the effect of: take care of this, or we'll be forced to sue you, and NOBODY wants that...

I'm having a good day.

Two weeks...

since I switched to decaf coffee. And I feel great! I'm sleeping better, except when Lourdes the 100 pound dog shares my double bed...
No headaches, the crankiness has subsided, and my mind is clearer now.

I've gotta keep this up!

Uh. Mah. Gah.

The spa has been proactive and has already hired my replacement, a young lady I've known for a while, by sight anyway, since she worked as a dealer on the casino floor. Alecia is a recent graduate of my alma mater, NSMT, and is a welcome addition to the spa.

We were pretty much done with work by early afternoon, and after futzing around a bit, I asked if she'd like to do a trade.

Oh. My. God.

She's good. She's so very, very good. I've been in pain for the past few days, my back and neck giving me hella problems...Alecia pounded the shit out of me, and I feel better than I have in months. MONTHS. I had some really bad trigger points, and she killed 'em, and not with kindness, with extreme prejudice, rather.

Of course, I'll probably be bruised tomorrow, but it was so worth it.

Thank you, Alecia! I'll get you next Saturday!

QOTD

From my daughter Tally, about the movie "2012", which she enjoyed tremendously:

It's about humanity...and special effects.

I laughed uproariously.

---

Later in the same chat, Chaos said:

You kill the fun in movies, Silver.

---

Gmail group chat rulz!

Thanksgiving...

have a GOOD one, Folks!

:D

---

UPDATE:
Just wanted to add that I'm most definitely thankful for the wonderful readers I have...you make it worthwhile for me to try to come up with my scribblings!

Sorry...

about the lack of posting, but I'm going slightly insane trying to get everything together for my move. Finding a job and a place to stay are high on my priority list as well. Thanks for your patience, I know my blog has been teh suxxor lately.

Awkward...

is glancing down during the scalp massage to find your client's eyes wide open, staring at you...

Overheard in the Spa

Me (in the shower): Maura? Could you hand me a razor, please?

(a few moments later)

Maura (handing the razor over the shower stall door): Did you want me to shave you, too?

Me: ...

Me: Uh, no...it's just my armpits, that's not much fun.

Maura: Okay.

Fear and Loathing

The epiphany I had on my drive back from Blogorado was facilitated by my friend GayCynic, who pummeled me about the head and shoulders with logic.

I'm not happy living in Las Vegas, and haven't been for a long time. Now that my daughter is off to college, I really have nothing holding me here.

So I have decided to move to Texas, home of the bigger and better!

I have many, many blogfriends who live there, who have already been helping me out with information, tips, hints, offers to check potential rentals out, offers to let me stay for a few days when I get there, and the list goes on and on. It's so good to have friends.

I'm moving the week before Christmas, I've already given notice at both of my jobs, and have been assured of receiving letters of recommendation. My application for my Texas massage therapy license went off by certified mail a week from yesterday, and I got the little green postcard in the mail confirming receipt a few days ago.

I've also been applying for full-time jobs at various local hospitals, since I do have a lot of experience in the medical field. I'll need to be making money right off the bat to pay my bills, and while I certainly want to build up a private massage practice, things like that take time (and money), two things I'm not exactly blessed with currently.

So, we'll see how things go. I might have help for my move, I might not. I might rent a truck or trailer, or I might shove all my crap into my storage unit and move bare-bones. Silver will be here on her winter break to help me, but we still have to get her back to Vegas in mid-January to catch her flight back to North Dakota. Maybe I'll do another roadtrip!

Oh, my poor car...;)

Anyway, life is too short to stay somewhere you're miserable, even if you do have a job. Friends are more important. I'm pursuing happiness, Peeps! And it feels great!

And a wee bit terrifying.

Wish me luck.

Two more things I remember about Blogorado:

First, my face getting tired from smiling, nay GRINNING so much.

And second, how much I LOVE the smell of gunpowder.

Another tip for massage clients:

When I tell you before the massage, "Undress to your level of comfort," that doesn't mean you can take your underwear off half-way through the massage. Got it? Good.

Haiku

Don't forget to try your hand at Sparrow's Haiku Contest!

It benefits our military service folk serving in harm's way. So go ahead, participate...what? Are you chicken?!

Bok-bok-bok...

C'mon! Don't be scared! It's EASY!

5syllables
7syllables
5syllables

Piece of cake.

:D