Thursday, January 07, 2010

You're shitting me, right?!

I happened to mention to my friend AD the issues I've been having getting my dogs to, *ahem*, defecate in a timely fashion.

It's been cold, it's been damp or drizzling, snowing or windy, or a combination thereof, and my dogs tuck their tails in to keep their nethers protected. I walk them around and around the yard, freezing my own ass off, until I finally give up and head back inside to the warmth. They just DON'T want to go, which has led to them pooping inside the house in the middle of the night.

Now AD used to train dogs, it was his business, so normally I'd trust any advice he could give me about dogs. However, AD is also a supreme practical joker and all-around smartass, so when he told me to dampen a matchstick and shove it up my dog's butt, I questioned his motives and my sanity.

I finally broke down yesterday, since I still had some casino matchbooks in my purse (it's always helpful to have matches on hand, since you never know when you might need to start a fire), and tried out this trick.

Unbelievable. Within 30 seconds, both my dogs were squatting and taking care of business.

No more stress, no more worries about them sneaking off and pooping right in front of my roommate's bedroom door (yes, one of them did this a few nights ago, and guess what my roommate stepped in first thing in the morning?) *facepalm*

So, thanks, Ambulance Driver, font of obscure, poop-related knowledge!
I can rest easy now, both in the knowledge that my dogs won't crap in the house, and in the fact that you were NOT shitting me, pun absolutely intended!

Doesn't mean I didn't google it, first chance I had today! ;-)

The Matchstick Trick

16 comments:

Buck said...

OK... I had to follow your link, just out of curiosity. THIS made LOL:

Third, this is where it gets weird; insert the NON-sulfur side, or the torn side, into your dog’s rear end. DO NOT LIGHT THE MATCH!

Heh. That would bring new meaning to the term "flaming asshole" now, wouldn't it?

Christina LMT said...

Especially if the dog has flatulence...

williamthecoroner said...

You listened to HIM? I like the man, don't get me wrong, but wouldn't put most things past him.

Christina LMT said...

William, I astonished myself, really. Plus, there's no one around to see me make a fool of myself, so that was a factor I considered before I tried the trick, too. :)

Old NFO said...

It DOES work... :-) Old, old dog training trick...

Christina LMT said...

Old NFO, how the heck do YOU know about this?! Or do I even want to know?

Ambulance Driver said...

NFO is a font of wisdom. I'm no longer surprised by all the people, and stuff, he knows.

Buckskins Rule said...

That's just too damn funny. Especially the mental image of you shoving matches in the dogs butts...

SCI-FI said...

Oh, man... I just can't imagine jamming a match up my dog's bunghole. That's just nasty.

Christina LMT said...

B.R., please try to cleanse your mind of this vision. It's definitely NOT how I want my readers to imagine me. ;)

SCI-FI, it's not nasty if it's necessary AND effective!

Holly said...

Once I read the article it made sense, no matter how funny one looks while performing the trick.

Christina LMT said...

Holly, I try my best not to think about that aspect of it. Ugh.
Oh, well. At least nobody is laughing at me IRL!

On a Wing and a Whim said...

You gotta do what you gotta do. Hopefully they'll come to the conclusion that they should also doodoo out in the yard, and save you dealing with those bums bumming around and not doo-ing. :-)

Zelda said...

I'm glad they specified not to light the match. I was wondering if that was the next step.

Roismhaire said...

Brilliant. I learn a new thing everyday and most of the time it's off your blog!

Christina LMT said...

Wing, it's very important that those bums do their duty (and their doody!)

Zelda, I asked AD that very same question!!!! (And was relieved that no flame was involved...)

Roismhaire, glad to be of help...it gives me a warm glow, knowing that I'm increasing your knowledge of valuable tricks and tactics. :)