Saturday, November 17, 2007

Murphy's Law Massage

A couple weeks ago I had my first side-by-side massage with B., the lead female therapist, and coincidentally the person who had the joy of training me in our protocols here, right before she left on maternity leave, which was right AFTER I came BACK from maternity leave (lots of pregnancies at the spa...DON'T ASK).

B. got to massage the girlfriend, while I had the guy.

Our massage gets off to a rollicking start when the attendants initially can't find a robe big enough for my client. So basically, B. already has the girlfriend on the table, but we're still waiting for the dude.

And the clock's ticking...

While R. and M. (the attendants) are running around looking for a super-sized robe, R. mentions that my client is bleeding from a cut or scrape on the nape of his neck. So now I scamper off to find some vinyl gloves, since I'm allergic to latex.

Finally Dude shows up, holding his robe closed with one hand. I hustle him into the treatment room, noticing that he's wearing a heavy necklace, which I offer to remove for him. Thanks to the fact that it's as dark as a well-digger's ass in there, I can't see what the hell I'm doing, and he reaches for the necklace, while letting go of the robe... and I'm SO outta there!

And the clock's ticking...

After Dude gets situated on the table, and B. and I re-enter the room, I start my patented Christina-massage©. When I get to his left arm, he jerks his head up and blurts:

Oh, I forgot my locker key, I think it's still in the locker! (which of course has his wallet, etc. in it...)

So I break off the massage, bolt to the entrance of the men's spa (I can't go in, natch) and (softly) holler for the attendant. R. listens to my whining, gets me the key, and back I race to the side-by-side room.

I quietly open the door and try to unobtrusively slide into the room, but am foiled by a small, lidded trash can which lurks innocently next to the door. I stomp squarely on the pedal and cause the lid to crash into the wall.

Wow, right about now I'm sure the clients are wondering when they agreed to appear on the latest episode of "America's Crappiest Spas, and how to Avoid Them", but I soldier on, 'cause that's what a professional does, right?

Okay, so I take a deep breath and finally get into my zone.

The massage is rolling right along, and I notice my client scrounged up a band-aid for his boo-boo. The boo-boo isn't a cut or scrape, either. Dude is a BIG guy, sporting a fade, and right at his hair-line at the nape of his neck, the three rolls of blubber flesh have caused chafing, which has lead to infected, ingrown hairs. Which he must have scratched or picked at, and which are now oozing blood and other, unsavory, unidentifiable liquids.

Thank the FSM I'm wearing gloves!

He is also very hairy, and has numerous other in-grown hairs scattered across his back...*

I continue with the massage, and as I'm working on Dude's quads, I happen to glance over at B...

I almost die trying to choke back laughter, 'cause she's massaging with one hand, while pulling out the front of her shirt with the other and blowing down the neckline!

Yes, it is HOT in that room. Good for the clients, not-so-good for the therapists.

Finally, we're almost done, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

B.'s and my timing is very close, which isn't always the case with two very different therapists working together, and we're both massaging our clients' respective heads, necks, and shoulders. We're seated on these nifty rolling stools, which save wear and tear on our knees (NOT enough padding underneath the carpet in this joint, let me tell ya!)

I notice Dude's band-aid has come loose and is dangling on one side, probably a result of the massage oil, and I ask him if it's okay if I remove it. He assents, and I proceed to pay B. back for her earlier shirt-blowing episode...

I pull the band-aid off, and I'm wearing gloves, remember...

OF COURSE the fuckin' band-aid gets stuck to the glove! I'm whipping my right hand around like Matt G directing traffic at his town's Fall Festival, and the band-aid finally comes off, flying in a lovely arc to land thisclose to B.'s left foot.

Pay-back is truly a bitch, 'cause now it's B.'s turn to try to keep from busting a gut. Her shoulders are shaking, and it's a wonder her client doesn't notice anything.

Thankfully this concludes the massage from hell, and surprisingly enough, Dude and girlfriend are pleased.

We even get tips. Go figure.

What a way to impress your trainer, no?

*I know I've mentioned before that thick body-hair can be problematic when doing deep-tissue massage, but for the record let me state that I'm NOT grossed out by it, okay? And hair is INFINITELY preferable to stubble! This was a Swedish massage, in any case...


Mauser*Girl said...

Right around the part where the band-aid got stuck to the glove, I was rolling on the floor laughing out loud. (My cats are looking at me like I've just gone nuts. I startled them out of their well-deserved 23 hours of sleep.)

Gotta love gloves and band aids. I've never been able to work both at the same time. For me, it's also compounded by the fact I take a size SMALL latex glove. SMALL. Not Medium. Not Large. Not One-size-fits-everyone-but-MauserGirl.

Christina RN LMT said...

Gloves are a true pain-in-the-ass.

The weird thing is, they fit when I first put them on, but by the end of the massage, they are three sizes too large! I don't know if it's the oil, the sweat from my hands, or what, but I end up with about half-an-inch of latex extending past the tips of my fingers (and, no, it's NOT a recepticle, sheesh!)Trust me, gloves are absolutely a last resort. Sometimes I use finger cots, but they're so fragile and the oil literally shreds them.

Skin on skin is definitely better!

Chuck said...

What a wild ride! Dude had neck rolls? Damn...he must been a bigun'! Don't guess manscaping was one of his things.

Christina RN LMT said...

He was big, but not really fat, if that makes sense!
Definitely no manscaping.
What's really odd is that he and girlfriend have been together for two years, and she's a massage therapist, but this was his very first massage EVAR. Makes no sense to me.

phlegmfatale said...

omg - this guy sounds repulsive!!! EW! Squeals of uncomfortable, giggling delight.

Christina RN LMT said...

I know! I was there! LOL

4chun Cookie said...

Once again ROFL!! I'm amazed! What have I been missing?! By the way, do u remember my sexy bartender? The one that had me all flushed when I went to the snack machine.

Christina RN LMT said...

Of course, Cookie!
I've never met him, though.

4chun Cookie said...

Well, he doesn't work there anymore and now we're talking!! OMG!! Guess where we got back in contact...yea! Weird huh?? I'll have to come over and tell u all abouts it!!