So, this little old lady...

walks into the nail salon I use.
I'm waiting to get my eyebrows waxed (the caveman look is soooo out, you know!). I've already had my manicure and pedicure, and am just sitting next to one of the stations, the very one she sits down at.

Now, she has some massively long claws, and is apparently a frequent customer, since Patrick, the nail guy, didn't even ask what she wanted, just started going to town with the dremel.

Me being me, I just ask what comes to mind, namely wasn't it difficult to do things with such long fingernails.

Little Old Lady (with a British accent): Oh, no! I've had these all my life, and wouldn't know how to do anything without them.

Me, showing off my manicured, yet brutally short fingernails: I'm a massage therapist and can't have long fingernails. Can't hurt the clients, you know!

L.O.L.: Of course! But my husband certainly likes MY nails on his back!

Me, with VERY disturbing images now seared into my brain: Gulp!

Thankfully Amanda called me back for my wax at this point, since I had no clue what to say, except maybe "Too much information!"

Texas

I don't know, Folks, but I have the feeling Texas may be in my (probably distant) future!

First off, I've noticed that a majority of the bloggers whose blogs I peruse daily are from Texas, and that's a great recommendation.

*Secondly, anytime I have a client from Texas, they are invariably polite, friendly, and interesting to talk to (and they usually tip well, too).

*Thirdly, Texas has cowboys, 'nuff said.

What's not to like?!

Now if only I could find a place in Texas that has decent weather...

*are secondly and thirdly even words?!

Guilty secret

I've been following America's Got Talent...GASP!!

My favorite contestant, Terry Fator, won...and he's coming to Vegas!

Silver and I are SO there.

Memo

Weekends aren't long enough.

And WalMart really, really sucks ass.

Unusual

I've been really busy at the spa the last two days, and here's a run-down of some of the more unusual clients I've had.

-We have the lady who doesn't wash her hands after using the toilet...I'm glad I saw that after our session, otherwise I'd have been grossed out the whole time.

-Another lady I massaged was slender and small-boned, but had the HUGEST scapulae (shoulder blades). They looked like they belonged to a man twice her size.
They didn't stick out or anything. They were just really, really large.

-And I had the first client ever to warn me that receiving massage made her gassy. I told her to do what she had to do, that it was actually a sign of "release" (massage lingo alert), which was a good thing. So she proceeded to demonstrate, copiously. I survived!

And let me reiterate...if you're going to receive a full-body massage...GET NAKED!!!!!

I swear to God, the next time I have a client on the table and undrape him/her and find underwear, I'm gonna cry.

Honestly, people, I'm not interested in seeing your derrieres, only in working your glutes...can you tell the difference?

Unless you happen to be Vin Diesel, then all bets are off.

The worst is when it's a guy wearing boxer shorts. Then most of the thigh and the ass are off limits to me, which really makes it difficult to give my best massage.
I have to work through the sheet, can't do any gliding or connecting strokes, etc.

I had three massage newbies today, that's always my favorite! I'll be utterly immodest and say that they all loved my massage, and tipped very well, yay me!

It's because I KICK ASS!!

Ahem.

Sorry about that. I'm just slightly euphoric, since I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to massage professionally, considering I graduated last December. I got nationally certified less than two weeks later, but the state licensing process was so long that I was hugely pregnant by the time I received my license, so the spa couldn't utilize me for massage. Then I went on maternity leave and here we are, 8 months after graduation, and I'm finally doing what I went to school for. It made me wonder whether I was any good at all. So this kind of validation is sweeeeeeet!

Anyway, I'm pooped. I had 7 sessions today, then picked up Silver and we watched Hairspray again. I'm obsessed with that movie, it was my sixth time seeing it.
So it's time for me to say good night, folks!
Hope you're having a great weekend.

Check your map...

My colleague A. was looking forward to having a client first thing this morning, but when she arrived at the spa she found that the client had cancelled.
Turns out the client thought she had booked her massage and facial at the *Blank* Hotel and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi!
Um, not quite, my dear.
We did get a good laugh out of it, though.

San Diego.

So, here's my promised travelogue of Silver's and my trip to San Diego last week.
Don't worry, I won't blather on too much!
The first day there, after we checked in to our hotel (in Little Italy), we headed over to Mission beach, 'cause Silver wanted to swim.
Since it had only been three weeks since my surgery, swimming was verboten for me. Bummer. But I got to lie in the sand and doze, which was heavenly.
Here's a pic of a bizarre sea creature that washed up on the sand, causing a huge number of beach goers to throng. I thought for a moment a dead body had washed up, or something! Silver took the picture, I was too comfy to stir from my spot!



On day two, we headed to the world famous San Diego Zoo. Why, I don't know, 'cause pretty much every zoo is the same, and I'm not a kid anymore to ooh and aah over every critter I see. But I digress. And digress some more, just to let you know NEVER to go to the zoo in Las Vegas, because it really, really sucks.
Here's a picture of my older offspring, Silver the Evil Chao (don't ask!), and the blue hair is history as of last Friday, since school starts soon, dontcha know, and the Clark County school district's dress code is very strict.




Here's a polar bear eating a carrot, of all things:



And here's finally a picture of me...NOT!




Day three entailed a trip to that most bloated of parks, Sea World.
More critters, yay.
I did really enjoy the sea lion and otter show, which spoofed the other shows in the park. I laughed my ass off!
Shamu Rocks disappointed a tad, 'cause you were so busy watching the frickin' show on the screen, you sometimes missed some of the killer whale's tricks, oh, I mean BEHAVIORS. Gotta use the PC lingo. ;)
The fireworks after the show, which they coordinated with the music playing, were really spectacular.
I guess I just got frustrated because I couldn't go on any of the rides. It was kinda boring to always wait for Silver. The river ride had an hour wait.
I had brought a library book with me, and if that isn't sad, I don't know what is.
Here's a picture of my fabulous pedicure, since I got REALLY bored waiting for Silver:



I love purple, obviously.

Believe it or not, that's the only picture I took at Sea World. Silver took a couple, but neither of us took any pictures during performances...we were too busy watching!

On our last day in San Diego we headed for the pier and spent four wonderful hours on the USS Midway. What a fantastic experience that was! I told Silver that going to the Midway alone would have been worth the trip to SD.
In case you have no clue what I'm talking about, the USS Midway is an aircraft carrier that is now a floating museum. I'd link to the Wikipedia article, but I'm retarded that way and Silver is already sleeping!

Here are some pics, instead:



Tight quarters aboard a naval vessel!



Silver in the brig...no, I wasn't tempted to leave her there, honest! ;)



Engine room:



After our Midway experience, we headed back to the hotel for a little rest, then later in the evening we walked to the Gaslamp District. That was a blast, the District really reminded me of a European city, with all the shops, clubs, and restaurants on the ground floor, with living spaces above. We ate a late dinner at a Thai place, outstanding food, and we ate outside in the sidewalk patio dining area.
That's one thing we both miss about San Diego...the weather!
Apparently, according to the weatherman anyway, it was very warm while we were there. It got all the way up to 83 degrees, GASP!

Wimps.

It was balmy for Silver and myself, after living in Vegas for so long!

Here's one pic I saved for last, the sign for a bar/club that made us think of Big Dick, of Big Dick's Place. In his honor:



So, that's that!

We had a really great time, and can't wait to get back there.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

First day...

Today was my first official day as a massage therapist. Where I actually got PAID to massage people!
It was awesome, truly.
One of my clients, a male, was of the sub-species chewbacca. In christina-speak, that means he was really, really hairy. Like, using up half my bottle of oil hairy.
Thankfully he had requested only a Swedish massage, not a deep tissue one, so I didn't have to use a lot of pressure with my strokes, and thus avoided pulling/ripping a lot of hair.
I hate it when I get that "crunchy" feeling while doing deep strokes over hairy skin!
Well, that was probably TMI, not to mention all you dirty-minded people putting your own special spin on things!
Mr. Chewbacca was also one of those dichotomous clients that I LOVE *sarcasm alert*.
The ones who check "no-no-no" on the required health form, but when I get them in the room and ask them face-to-face, recite a whole list of complaints/illnesses/surgeries/injuries and/or medications.
In this case, a previous surgery for cancer, followed by "going fishing too soon" (his words), which caused the internal stitches to rupture. Now, I don't know why he hasn't been back under the knife, 'cause he has a huge hernia, a grapefruit-sized bulge on the right side of his back, where, according to him, "it" pushed through his ribs. I didn't ask for details, merely avoided the damn thing!
He did pay me the highest compliment...he fell asleep and started snoring!
You know you're good when you put 'em to sleep!
Not many professions can claim that.

I started my work day on a humorous note. As I got off the elevator, I observed the following sign addressing the attendees of RollerCon 2007 (the roller derby convention I mentioned in my last post):

If you roller skate in the hotel...
1) You SUCK!!
2) You'll be 86'd from the hotel and lose your room - NO refund!
3) The organizers of RollerCon will HATE you and smear your name FOREVER!

The emphasis is original, not added by moi!
I got a real boost from this, and chuckled to myself off and on all day whenever I thought about it.

I know I promised more pics (from San Diego), but I'm beat and have to get up at 5:30 am...so I'll do it tomorrow! (yes, I know I'm channeling Scarlett...work with me here!)

One last thing...I really wish I had never mentioned this blog to my co-workers, 'cause they are a veritable
goldmine of blog-fodder! Since I want to keep my job, I'll have to pass...what a waste.

Sigh.

Darn...

I had to go back to work yesterday, after nine weeks off.
Sigh.
However, work provides blog fodder, so Yaaaaaaay!
Plus paychecks, too...double-Yaaaaaaaay!
Best of all, I'm finally going to be working as a massage therapist, not just as a front desk clerk at the spa.
As a matter of fact, I just scheduled my first official client. A Swedish massage on Friday at 11am.

I am content. Except I need a man. Per usual.

So I went in to work today and was greeted by hordes of extremely scary looking women, most with tats covering their exposed body parts (don't ask).
Not that they were all ugly, or anything, just very tough looking.
Then I saw the sign (I'm not making this up!):

"The *Blank* Hotel welcomes RollerCon 2007!"

It's the Roller Derby Convention!

I didn't know roller derbies even existed anymore, my bad.
_________________________________________________________

Now I shall regale you with all the stuff I've been doing over the past few weeks, WITH PICTURES!!!
You know you want it...

Lets go back in time two weeks, shall we?
My twins, Thing 1 and Thing 2 were visiting, and Silver was at her Dad's in Nebraska.
The twins and I headed over to Boulder City and Lake Mead, 'cause we love it there!
Lots of critters, as you will see.

Here's a pic of my offspring, Thing 1 (21 endless minutes older)
on the left and Thing 2 on the right.



Here's the marina at Lake Mead, if you look closely, the grayish, concrete-wall-looking thing in the back shows the previous water level, so you can see how the drought has been affecting Nevada. We'd probably need a decade of solid rain to fill the lake up again.



The marina is famous for its fat fish, who really enjoy all the popcorn and other treats people feed them...feeding frenzy!



After the marina, we moved on to Hemenway Park, a public park and playground remarkable only for its popularity as a summer grazing site of bighorn sheep, of course a protected species. No dogs allowed in this park!





As long as you don't get too close to them, they are remarkably imperturbable.
They only started moving quickly when a pretty severe thunderstorm moved in...we almost got caught in a mini-stampede while trying to get back to our car!

Enough for now, I don't want to frighten my six readers off (I'm being generous, I know!).
So I'll wait until tomorrow to post all the enticing photos from Silver's and my trip to San Diego...zoo, Sea World, USS Midway. I know you're panting in anticipation, but you'll just have to find some other way of entertaining yourselves until then! Sorry...

Traveling!

Hey, Folks!

Silver and I are headed to San Diego for a few days, so talk to you when I get back.

Probably with pictures!

Take care, everyone!

Oodles of Stuff...

Okay, lots of stuff to post, including pictures of a recent outing to Boulder City and Lake Mead, which I'll save for my NEXT post:

First off, I'm (easily) fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes, due to the fact that I actually weigh five pounds LESS than I did when I got pregnant...yeee-haaaaah!

I got a very funny phone call at around 10:30 PM, some guy named Tony getting all hot'n'heavy on the phone, he thought I was a gal named Michelle who gave the phone number to him about an hour prior.
Michelle, if you're reading this, nice job on the fake number, just maybe next time you could use one that doesn't actually belong to a real person, m'kay?!

I believe I mentioned (in my first post, as a matter of fact) that I have a few issues with road rage. I learned my lesson a few days ago, and it's a really good thing the guy involved didn't have a gun. As it is, even though I was in the right (asshole was tail-gating me, even though I was driving 50 when the speed limit was 45), maybe I shouldn't have flipped him off while he was passing me.
We won't get into my language at the time, since he couldn't hear me anyway.
So the dude gets out of his car at the next light, after he manages to pass and get in front of me, yells "Fuck you, bitch!" repeatedly and spits at my car.
Hmmm, you'd think I had pissed him off, or something!
The whole thing did frighten my kids, who slid down as far in their seats as they could.
That was totally my fault, and I will endeavor in the future to leash my rage, maybe I'll make kissy faces at asshole drivers, instead.

Well, it's bed time for me now, I'll see if I can get those pics up tomorrow, very cool pictures of wild big horn sheep, who use a public park and playground every summer for grazing!

*Sniff...*

My milk dried up.

Good-bye, Big Boobies...*sob*...you'll be missed!

Saw "Hairspray" this evening with Thing 1 and Thing 2, it was uproarious and we had a total blast. Spent much of the movie laughing, even when it made me feel "uncomfortable", i.e. lots of racial humor.

Other than that, nothing new to report. I'm slowly recovering from the c-section, I've gone without any pain meds for a few days now, and I'm coping with the residual soreness from the surgery.

It feels good now to stretch, instead of making me cringe!
That's always positive!

We have a friend's baby shower to go to tomorrow afternoon, that should be fun.
Sunday morning we'll probably head to the dog park before it gets ridiculously hot, since Harley gets his final shot tomorrow morning, yay!

Have a great weekend everyone, and don't mourn my lost boobage...it wasn't meant to be!

I'm a wuss.

Well, I had the babies on July 9th, as planned.

But I ended up needing a c-section, after going through labor, pushing like a fiend, etc.

The babies are both fine, I got to see them, and Silver, who was with me for the whole ride, holding my hand during the surgery, even got to hold both babies after they were cleaned up a little.

They are now residing with their parents, who are ecstatic at finally having a family, and I'm very happy for them!

I knew, intellectually, that having a c-section, and especially the recovery from one, was going to be painful, but the reality...!

Yesterday was the first day since the surgery that I felt semi-normal, and I really detest taking the prescription pain pills, they made me feel loopy and knocked me on my ass, so yesterday I switched to otc ibuprofen.

I had to go to the bank on Friday, and the cute, perky, twenty-something teller asked me "When are you due?". I wanted to kill her, and no jury of my peers (meaning middle-aged women with children) would convict me!

I calmly explained that I had delivered twins by c-section five days prior, and she responded by saying that I was still walking with a bit of a wobble...DEATH!!!

Ahem.

Yes, my abdomen is still swollen and distended, so I guess I look about 5-months along, or so, and yes, I AM walking funny because I'm in fucking pain, but still!

All I'm saying is, unless the wench is wearing a t-shirt that screams "Baby on Board", or she brings up the subject herself, DON'T assume a woman is pregnant.

Enough on that subject.

Yesterday my milk came in.
TMI?
Too fucking bad!
Since I'm obviously not nursing any babies, I want it to dry up ASAP. This requires me to wear sports bras 24/7, except when in the shower. Back in the stone age, the last time I gave birth, you had the option of getting a shot to dry up your milk if you decided not to nurse. When I asked my OB, who's been in practice for about 10 years, he didn't know what I was talking about. I talked to a veteran nurse in Labor and Delivery, and she told me the medication I was talking about had had serious side effects, like seizures and damage to the pituitary gland...okay, I guess I can live without it!
All I can say is...holy shit, I'm STACKED!
Instant boob job, I wish I could keep it without the pain and threat of milk leakage!
And no, there will be no pictures, thankyouverymuch!

I picked up my thirteen-year-old twin daughters, known here as Thing 1 and Thing 2, from the airport yesterday. Silver has been in Omaha since Thursday, the day after I was released from the hospital (that's another story! I didn't get discharged until after 10 PM and was PISSED!).
I'm so happy to have them here with me, I haven't seen them since Christmas.
They have grown so much, and I know that Thing 1 is probably already as tall as Silver (5'2''). Probably by this Christmas, she'll be taller than her big sister!

Unfortunately, since I'm still recovering, we won't be able to be as active as I hoped. No roller coasters, swimming, etc. I've been encouraged to walk, and that suits me fine, but my daughters are inexhaustible, so I just hope they won't be disappointed.
On the other hand, they haven't seen any of the summer movies yet, so I've promised them a movie marathon, plus there are still a few movies out now, or coming out in the next few weeks, that I'd like to see with them, too.
So I guess we'll be staying busy!

Take care of yourselves and have a great Sunday!

Phlegmmy, thanks so much for your concern, you were the motivation for me to finally sit my ass down and write this post!

P.S. I had a dream last night that I was asked to play on a polo team.
The thing is, the game was played on elephants, not horses, and the ball was the size of a volleyball.
I woke up with one burning question: How the hell are you supposed to hit the ball from the back of an elephant?!

Puppies!

This is Tucker, who's almost 5 months old. He's the more dignified dog, sometimes I call him the "Elder Statesman", but really, that's only compared to Harley, aka "Cocksucker", whom I also call the Whirling Dervish, among other, not-so-fond nicknames!
And here is the rascal (he's 4 months old):



Here he is, pooped out after making much mischief:



And here's Tucker again, guarding his booda-bone, which is about to be stolen by Harley:



Anyway, I'm slowly getting the hang of the camera, so be prepared for more pictures!

Tomorrow morning I'm headed to the hospital, where I will finally give birth.
I can't wait for this to be over with, I can barely walk anymore, I just slowly waddle everywhere.
Wish me luck!
See you on the other side...

Sorry to scare you!

Here's my belly...but NOT my babies!
Tomorrow I'll put up some pics of my puppies.
And yes, I'm aware that my stretch marks look like something is clawing its way out...

Okay, any time now, please...

Sorry, just talking to the babies.
That's right, I still haven't popped them out, and I'm TIRED.
I'm now 36 weeks and 4 days pregnant, which is considered past full-term for twins.
My doc, as I've mentioned previously, wants to induce me next Monday, I'd rather have them NOW, right now please.
Oh, well.
They're not listening.
Anyway, Silver, my sixteen-year-old daughter, wants to be present at the delivery.
The intended parents of the twins (isn't that a nice, PC term?) have no objections, since they don't want to be at the actual delivery.
I guess they want to be like the Fifties dad, pacing the waiting room, puffing on cigarettes, outside of screaming range. Just minus the smoking.
That's fine, because if they're not there, I can cuss all I want, yay!
Trust me, it won't be anything Silver hasn't heard from me, especially while driving.
I just hope Silver doesn't puke or pass out! Well, she can always move to the head of the bed if anything too gross is happening! If they have to do a c-section (please, God, no!), I'll ask them to boot her out. That is something she definitely doesn't need to see, that's for sure.

Oh, and happy Independence Day, everyone!
Did nothing today. Just napped, ate, and watched Silver play "Beyond Good and Evil" on the GameCube, oh, and watched some Mythbusters, too!
Which is a sad state of affairs for one of my two favorite holidays, dammit!
Yup, the 4th of July and Halloween are my favorite holidays, EVAH!
Wow, how banal and boring can I be?
Don't answer that.

Two (types of) people worth hating:
1) People backing out of parking spaces WITHOUT LOOKING BEHIND THEM!!!
Silver and I almost got creamed by a little old lady in a huge SUV at my last doctor's appointment. I literally smacked my hand on the rear windshield and yelled before she got a clue and stopped.
Scary.

2)People who drive 50 mph on the highway, when the speed limit is 65 and clearly posted. I want to kill them. Repeatedly.

So, that's the status quo here at Lucrative Pain Headquarters.
Circling in a holding pattern, waiting for landing clearance so my passengers can finally disembark.
While going outside as little as possible, because it's a fucking oven out there.
Take care of yourselves, maybe I'll have good news on the baby front next time!

Die Hard 4...

kicks total ass!!!
Really enjoyed it, even though (or maybe because) it was completely over the top.
Loved all the snarky humor, thought the bad guy was a little lame, but, oh, well, can't have everything.

On Saturday I will be 36 weeks pregnant, which is considered full-term for twins.
However, my doc wants me to try to make it to 37 weeks and two days, because Monday the 9th of July is convenient for him. Whatever! The babies will come when they're ready, and I seriously doubt I can make it all the way to the 9th!

Speaking of twins, had to think of a bit Ray Romano did after he and his wife had identical twin boys, about how it was imperative that twins be at least decent-looking, because they're TWINS!
I remembered this because at Walmart the other day, my daughter and I saw a couple with identical twin boys, about a year-and-a-half old, who were cross-eyed. (Let me clarify, the twins were cross-eyed, not the parents!)

Silver of course said I was mean to even notice, but come on! You already do a double-take when you see twins, identical ones anyway, and for them to have a very visible physical "defect" like that, it's got to be blog fodder!

Hey, it's not like I pointed and laughed!

And I know that the problem can be fixed, so shut up already about what an evil bitch I am, 'kay?

Anything else going on? Let me think. Nope, I think I'm done for now.

Cool movie...

Saw Ocean's Thirteen a few hours ago. Excellent, entertaining movie.

George Clooney + Tuxedo = DROOOOOOOL!!!!

Ahem, at least that was the consensus between my daughter and I.

I have an older brother who has a resemblance to Brad Pitt, so I've never been able to get excited about him. Too creepily incestuous, if you know what I mean!

Anyway, that's what I did this Saturday evening, Bistro Buffet at the Palms, followed by Ocean's Thirteen at Brenden Theaters.

This was of course AFTER I took a three hour nap Saturday afternoon. I gotta have my naps now!

Have a great Sunday, everyone! And for those of you who qualify: Happy Father's Day, too!

Happy Birthday, Silver!

Yes, today is Silverevilchao's (Silver for short) birthday.
When I wished her Happy Birthday this morning, she said, "I can't believe I'm 16...it makes me feel old!"
WTF???!!
How do you think it makes ME feel, Kiddo??!!
Ancient!
Hope you've had fun today!
Love you,
Mom

Sailing away...

that's how I feel right now.

I ended up spending a little over three hours at the labor and delivery department on Monday, due to having some contractions.
Turns out I was dehydrated.
Fuck that!
Don't they know how much water I've been drinking?!
Apparently not, and it's obviously not enough.
So now I'm schlepping around my half-gallon water jug, which I refill periodically throughout the day.

In between bathroom runs.

Since I'm only 33 weeks (and change) pregnant, it's definitely way too soon to be giving birth, I have about 3 to 4 weeks to go.
I had an appointment with the perinatal specialist today (gestational diabetes, but I really don't want to talk about that, needles, ugh!), and he pointed out to me that I'm basically carrying the weight of a full-term baby already, since twin A is 4 pounds, 1 ounce, and twin B is 4 pounds, 6 ounces.
"That's why you're so miserable", he said!
Thanks for pointing that out to me, Doc, like my gigantic, monstrous belly isn't a clue?!

In other news today:

Why the hell can't old farts keep their shirts on when they take the trash out?
Is it some kind of AARP rule I don't know about?
Seriously, while my daughter and I were cruising toward home in the apartment complex, we observed TWO old men, 30 seconds and about 500 feet apart, taking their respective trash bags to their respective dumpsters sans shirts.

Why couldn't it have been some hunky guys in their twenties, huh, huh???

Is it so difficult to provide some eye-candy for the (sexually) deprived?

Life's not fair.

Well, at least they kept their pants on.

(H/T to Big Dick, whose link you'll find to the right, for spoiling my appetite)
(Blogger is being a BITCH and won't let me put the link in this post!!!)