Okay...

so I'm not exactly Eva Longoria Parker. But I ain't half bad, either.



Yes, I'm aware I look "totally pissed off" (according to Silver, who took the picture), but I truly wasn't. I was just on my way to a job interview and had a lot on my mind!

Too good not to share...

even though it's second-hand.

I had planned on regaling you with tales of lesbian shenanigans at our spa, but instead will share a certified TRUE story I heard at A.'s surprise birthday party last night. The party rocked, btw. I only drank water, honest.

Anyway. B., my supervisor who's been out on disability the past month, told us something her friend, who works the front desk of Qua, the incredibly luxe spa at Caesar's Palace, shared with her the last time they were lunching together. Incidentally, I'd die to work at Qua. Really, I would. The lead therapists clear six figures a year, no joke. Though I'm not sure how they are doing right now, with the economy in the crapper as it is.

On to the story!

The spa attendants at Qua pool their tips and divvy them up at the end of the week. Well, recently the spa attendants from the Gentlemen's spa had been clearing a thousand bucks a week and no one could figure out why. The massage therapists were complaining, since business had slowed down for them and they weren't getting the tips they felt they deserved.
One day, the manager received a customer comment card with the following:

"Blow job given by attendant _________ inadequate."

D'oh!!!!

Needless to say that the attendant was fired!

But at least the mystery of the massive tips was solved! I wonder whether the other spa attendants are now contemplating providing "extra" services...

This is getting out of hand

I was standing in the check out line at PetSmart today, when I noticed this, priced at $2.99 for a small bottle:



"Our Hero" fortified drinking water for dogs.

Now, I'm absolutely bonkers about my puppehs. I buy them premium food, make sure they have plenty of fresh water to drink, am religious about all their check-ups and vaccinations...heck, I even brush their teeth (almost) daily!

But fortified bottled water, at $2.99 a pop? That's over the top and ridiculous!
I know there's almost a cult of pet-worshipers now in the U.S., but I refuse to bow at that altar. When all's said and done, they are ANIMALS. I don't even buy bottled water for myself or my kids, and if tap water is good enough for us, it's definitely good enough for my pets!

What do you think?

Okay

I'm off to take my Criticall Exam for the 911 Dispatcher position. I'll be starting at around 8:00 PST. Wish me luck, guys. I'll need it!

UPDATE (at 1:00 PM PST): I've got good news, bad news, and more good news.
The good news is I got 95% on the exam. The bad news is I failed anyway. The data entry module of the test is Pass/Fail, and in order to pass you have to type at 4000 keystrokes per hour, while my score was 3689. The other good news is that they definitely encouraged me to apply again after February 11th for the March testing cycle, and they gave me some tips on how to improve my score. And it will also help that I know what to expect, which will lessen my nervousness.

The best news of the day, however, is from after the exam. Instead of heading to the nearest store to buy a pint of Ben&Jerry's ice cream in which to drown my sorrows, I hit the gym for an hour and a half! Win!

True, true...

*rowr*!

I think I'm feeling faint...

Misc. Stuff and Aggravation

I've got a boatload of stuff to blog about, so let's get started!

-last night Silver and I were watching a "House, MD" DVD, when my dog Tucker apparently decided we weren't paying enough attention to him. He jumped up on the back of the couch, strutted to the light switch, and deliberately nudged the switch for the ceiling fan up with his snout. As the fan began to swirl lazily, he turned his head to look at us, as if to say, "So, are you paying attention to me now?!" Quite a few times over the past year, when we've been gone an especially long time during the day, we'd come home to find the ceiling fan in the living room whirling merrily. We wondered which dog was doing the deed, and now we know...mystery solved!

Of course we made a big fuss over him, smart pooch that he is!

-I saw something very cool yesterday morning. I was parking in our employee parking lot, which is a good quarter mile from the casino, and I saw a valet pull a skateboard out of the trunk of his car and zoom off toward the casino. That's one way to make sure you don't clock in late!

Massage vignettes (including the AGGRAVATING ONES):

-I was massaging a young lady yesterday, and immediately upon draping her back, I noticed what appeared to be a marble-sized sebaceous cyst smack-dab in the middle of her back. Needless to say, I was pretty grossed-out, since I had to massage right over it, necessitating my touching it repeatedly. Ugh. I was worried that if I applied too much pressure, I'd express some of the material of the cyst! Luckily, I was able to avoid that. I'd have charged her extra for it, though!

-As I was working on a gentleman's neck and shoulders with loose fists, knuckles on both of my hands cracked. I said, "Sorry," whereupon the client replied, "Don't apologize, that's exactly what I need, feels great!"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was ME whose joints had cracked, not his shoulders making noises while being adjusted. I'm not a chiropractor!

Now on to the aggravating clients...

-I massaged an investigator from L.A. (he works for a lawyer's office AND Rite-Aid, which I find fascinating). He'd won some money at the craps table and decided to treat himself to a massage. After we were done, he verified that we had tip envelopes up at the front desk, and assured me he'd leave me a little something...yeah, sure he did! ZIP, ZILCH, NADA is what he left me. Now, if he simply forgot in his haste to get back to the tables, okay, it happens (and hopefully he'll remember and come back up today to leave me a tip), but if he never intended on giving me a tip, he should have just kept his mouth shut about it, and not gotten my hopes up. If the latter is the correct scenario, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits!

-My last client of the day was half of a couple A. and I massaged in the side-by-side (couple's) room. I was doing the guy, A. the girlfriend. As always, I asked about surgeries, injuries, medications...and the most important, "Do you have any areas you'd like me to focus on today?" To which he replied, after a moment of thought, "Everywhere!" Fine. Whatever.
So I started the massage and was working on his shoulders when he said, "You can use more pressure." Uh, no I can't! You paid for a Swedish massage, which entails light-to-medium pressure (because it's our special, discounted service), so don't try to get me to do a deep-tissue massage without forking over the difference. That was the first indication this was going to be fun. I was working on his legs when he started snoring slightly, which is fantastic! The client falling asleep is a huge compliment to the therapist. A. and I exchanged a laughing glance at a particularly loud snort, and continued on. After the massage was over, and I had him sign his ticket, we had the following exchange:

Client: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Of course!
Client: The last time I had a massage, the therapist rubbed my feet...why didn't you?
Me: *blink blink* I did massage your feet!
Client: I remember you massaging the tops of my feet, but not the bottoms.
Me: I definitely massaged your feet both while you were face-down and face-up, with my knuckles and loose fists, even.
Client: I don't remember...and I was really looking forward to a good foot massage, too...that's my favorite part!
Me: *what I thought* You dumbass...why the hell didn't you tell me to focus on your feet when I asked you before the massage?! I'd have spent extra time on 'em, and you'd probably remember! I can't help it that you fell asleep and can't remember what I did!
Me: *what I said* I'm sorry, Sir, but I definitely did massage your feet. I'm a very thorough therapist and do a full-body massage every time. Have a wonderful evening!

Needless to say, he didn't leave me a tip...grrrrrrrr.

Chop-chop!

On Wednesday, the 28th of January, I plan on chopping my hair off.
I'm going for Eva Longoria Parker's do from the cover of Glamour magazine, shown here:



If the rest of me magically changed to look like the rest of her at the same time, I wouldn't complain...;)

See, my hair is seriously falling out. Clumps and clumps of it, which is a normal and expected side-effect of weight-loss surgery. It just creeps me out though, and I really don't like how my hair is looking now. Plus, I have to put it up all the time: at work, when I'm exercising, etc. It's aggravating me, and it gets way too hot in the summer, too. So snip, snip and in the trash it goes. Despite having grown it out for the past two years. Oh, well. I can always grow it long again once it stops falling out, if I want to!

Opinions?

Awwww...

I saw a car parked at the Smith's parking lot this evening with the following vanity plate:

IMWIFEY


How sweet!

Did you get the lobotomy the moment he slid the ring on your finger?

Do you call him "husbandey?"

*shudder*

Dread

Well, next week the new semester starts. *sigh*
I've really been enjoying my time off, but it's time to get back to school.
I'm taking three classes again, Communications 101, U.S. History and Constitution, and Music Appreciation (don't laugh!).
Communications is the only class I'll have at school, the other two are online, thank God! I'm determined to maintain my 4.0 average, too.

In other news, I'm in the middle of the hiring process for Dispatch Specialist Trainee for the LVMPD. My application passed the initial screening, I was invited to and attended the mandatory seminar (where they tried really, really hard to scare us off), and next week I take the Criticall Exam. If I pass that, I go before the oral board, then my points are all added up and I go on their hiring list. This is, of course, assuming I pass the background investigation and psychological screening.

If I make the cut, the 14-week academy starts in July, followed by 16 weeks of one-on-one on the job training.

I plan on continuing to work as a massage therapist, don't get me wrong! I didn't go to school for a year to throw in the towel! It's just that since my pay is commission-based only now, my income is too iffy. I have to have a steady paycheck, and a job with good benefits. I'm really excited about this opportunity, I think dispatching is a fascinating job. Stressful, of course. But to me, it's far more stressful worrying monthly whether I can pay my rent, all my bills, and still have money left over for groceries!

I hope to eventually work graveyard, that way I can still go to school, maybe take a few more classes. We'll see...I don't want to put the cart before the horse!

Wish me luck.

Sleep...adjusting????

Night before last I set the alarm as usual and fell asleep quickly. I woke up around 4:30 AM, cracked an eye open to see how much more time I had to sleep, and noticed that the alarm was set for 2:00 PM!! (My clock is the kind that displays the alarm setting in the corner of the LED screen.)

WTF? I know I set the alarm for 5:40 AM, I remember doing it. Plus, I never set the alarm at the top or bottom of the hour exactly, because my clock is ten minutes fast. So I always set the alarm for 10 or 40 minutes after the hour (defeats the purpose of setting the clock ahead, but oh, well!)

So I must have fiddled with the clock in the middle of the night while I was asleep.

I'm really lucky I woke up when I did, or I would have been up the creek without a paddle! Silver would have woken me up, but probably not until around 6:30, when it's time for her to leave for school. That would have really sucked.

Wow, this blog post really has me scraping the bottom of the inspiration barrel, I apologize!

Another first

I had a walk-in client this morning at nine, who ended up being my first client of the day.
It was a routine 50-minute Swedish massage, and he apparently enjoyed it, since he tipped me $25!
Imagine my surprise when I came back from lunch and saw that the same client had booked another massage with me, today! So he ended up my first AND last client of the day, receiving an 80-minute Swedish massage as his second service, for which he tipped me FIFTY BUCKS!!!!!

It was a good day...:)

Halfway there!

If you'll happen to direct your gaze to the weight-loss ticker in my sidebar, you'll see that I've reached the halfway point today! 59 pounds down, 59 more to go. I know I can do it! I exercised this morning, too.
My trainer vetoed a fitness assessment yesterday, he told me that my being sick would skew the results, but he did tape me and do a body composition test.
Since the end of July, I've dropped 5.5 inches from my waist and 6 inches from my hips. My body fat percentage dropped 7%, and my BMI went from 39 to 32.4.

Not too shabby! Now I just have to keep it up.

If I've said this before, it bears repeating...

Here's some advice: If you receive a discount on a service, don't calculate the tip based on the discounted price! Base it on the original price.

Sheesh, do I have to hold your hand to help you cross the street, too?!

Must get more sleep!

Not to push this blog into TMI territory, but during, shall we say, certain hormonally charged times of the month, I have problems sleeping. It's not that I'm not tired, but my mind races and I find a million other things to do than go to bed. The consequence of this is, of course, that I'm very tired during the day. Make it a busy day at work and the effect can be severe...

I was in the last massage of the day, in the last ten minutes of that massage, to be exact. It was a prenatal massage, and I was giving the lady a lovely scalp and neck massage to grant her that perfectly relaxed state. She started snoring delicately...
Apparently, I'm so used to massage that I can do it on auto-pilot now. I found myself drifting off along with my client, fingers continuing to move in their hypnotic, circular pattern...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Luckily, the fact that I was starting to drool woke me up! Even more luckily, my head hadn't nodded down far enough to bump into hers.

That's the first time I've ever been able to say, "Saved by the drool!"

I don't find this cute at all

During a lull in my (thankfully) busy day, I ran down to the casino to mail a letter.
As I was headed back to the elevator, I got stuck behind a couple on their way out the door. They were BOTH wearing these:



When you start wearing the same clothes as your lover, you have problems.

In my humble opinion, of course.

Ugh.

I feel like an utter slug. Since I've been sick, I haven't been able to exercise (except for singing and dancing, yay!). The last time I worked out was on December 21st, two weeks from tomorrow. I'm still coughing, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was even a few days ago. At least I haven't been sucking down the cough syrup like I was!
So I'm determined to hit the gym tomorrow, even if it kills me! I have a fitness assessment on Thursday, and I don't want to fail abysmally.
Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!

Oh. My. God.

Well. I can't believe how PROUD I was for managing to actually write a blog post while falling down drunk. And I WAS falling down drunk, despite what I said in the post.
"Burping is way better than spewing????" That was my profound insight of the evening? It's true, for what it's worth...;)

Here's the scene that greeted Silver and myself when we arrived at fabulous M's house:


G., in orange, was watching A., on drums, and her husband C., on guitar, play Rockband, while M. was providing the vocals (she's not seen in this pic).

Here are S. and M. (hah!), probably before they got completely blotto.



In the background you can see M.'s sister-in-law, who also happens to have the name abbreviation M. (it was bound to happen...)

Here are A. and myself, obviously well on our way to becoming smashed. A. is something of a lightweight in that department, and unfortunately she was the inspiration for my "burping is better than spewing" statement. She ended up hurling repeatedly and she and her husband had to decamp shortly after midnight.



Poor A. Here you can see her before she got to that point. She looks like she's feeling no pain!





Here we are, completely done. The bottle in my hand is merely a prop, honest! I hate wine, but somebody simply told me, "Here, hold this for the picture." And I said, "Sure!" *sigh*



Here are S. and myself, right before I started my epic career as a vocalist for Rockband. I sang for hours and hours, until I was completely hoarse. We had so much fun! Silver tried the drums a few times, but the more tired she got the more difficulty she had, so she figuratively threw in her drumsticks. I sang Alice in Chains, Paramore, Linkin Park, Bon Jovi, The Offspring, Disturbed, and many more I can't recall precisely!



Finally, here is a picture of my feet. I remember saying something about wanting to post a pic for my foot-fetishist readers (!) out there, and I wanted to show everyone that I was still standing, in very high heels no less, even though I was very, very impaired.



What did I learn from this evening of debauchery? Well, I remember thinking, "I can't be too bad off, I can still walk, in heels, and I remembered to lock the door when visiting the loo, AND remembered to wash my hands, too! I'm doing just FINE!"

This evening also served as a bit of aversion therapy for my daughter. I really don't think she'll be trying alcohol anytime soon...;)

I made sure to drink lots and lots (and lots) of water, in between and after the alcoholic beverages, so I'm not hungover in the least right now.

And I learned to always avoid tequila in the future! I really despise that stuff, but it was pushed on me for a toast, so I choked it down. That was the shot that truly pushed my over the edge, so to speak. Ugh.

Finally, here's a shout out to Designated Drivers, Inc., a company that's head and shoulders above a taxi service. They drive you home in your own car! It seems I completely spaced getting Silver's learner's permit renewed, and I didn't want her driving me home with an expired license, even though she does have a thirty day grace period for renewing it. So we called Designated Drivers, at 1:45 AM, to come pick us up and take us home. Even though it took them two hours longer to pick us up than the one hour we were told it would, they still totally rock! Besides, on New Year's Eve their service is FREE!!! So for the price of a tip, we made it home safely and legally, in our own vehicle, which is currently parked in our space outside.

All in all, a very enjoyable and fun evening. I hope yours was as well!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Drunk Blogging

is not recommended. I'm at my friend's house, and I'm lying down (not falling down) drunk. My daughter dumped half my water bottle on my face when I slid out of my chair onto the floor, because she thought I'd passed out. HAH! I just felt more secure horizontal rather than vertical. Pictures to follow tomorrow. Thank goodness for spellcheck. I'll talk to you later.
Bye! Love ya! Burping is way better than spewing!