Monday, September 29, 2008

Good Tips=Happy Therapist

I had an interesting day today. My colleague A. called in sick to work, since she managed to bang up her toe and needed to get x-rays (plus, she couldn't get her shoe on!) So the front desk folk had no choice but to move all of her appointments over to me. I didn't get to go to lunch until 3 PM, but I'm not in the bank, ya know!
My first client of the day requested a deep tissue massage, paid by credit card and pre-tipped me ten bucks. Which is a "meh" tip, since the service itself costs $125.
And pre-tipping? I don't get that. That would be like going to a restaurant and leaving a tip with the hostess who seats you, instead of waiting until after you've eaten your meal!
But I digress.
My client was a lady from Illinois who is a surveyor for a construction company and is on her feet all day. She used to get massage all the time until recently, when she moved to a new town. She's tried three different therapists but can't find anybody who does deep enough work.
Of course, I took this as a challenge! She left the treatment room extremely satisfied, not just because I gave her a kick-ass massage, but also because I recommended a new author to her! You see, I noticed she was reading "Guilty Pleasures", by Laurell K. Hamilton, so we chatted about fantasy/horror fiction, Vampires, etc. throughout the massage. She'd never heard of Charlaine Harris or her Southern Vampire Mystery series before, so I was ecstatic to be able to infect another reader with the Sookie Stackhouse bug! (Also showing on HBO, thankyouverymuch!)
As I said before, I was extremely busy, so it wasn't until later that I picked up my tips from the front desk. Included was a tip envelope from this client, who had already tipped me ten dollars by credit additional twenty in cash!
What a nice surprise! This has never happened to me before, so I'm relishing the experience.
Thank you, nice lady from Illinois! Hope you enjoy the books...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Let's play "Twenty Questions!" NOT!!

I massaged a gentleman from Canada today who was very interested in quizzing me. I have no idea why. He first asked, just after the massage had begun, "What's the difference between Swedish and Sports Massage?"
Okay. If you schedule a massage, and don't know what's what, wouldn't you ask at that time, so you know what you're getting?
I answered his question, and not two minutes later, he continued with, "What's the fundamental difference between Thai Massage, Shiatsu, and Swedish Massage?"
I'm not kidding, that's the question he asked, verbatim!
Anyway, I did my best to explain the "fundamental" differences between the three modalities while continuing the massage.
I was just waiting for him to start asking me anatomy or pathology questions, but apparently his curiosity was satisfied.

Bastard didn't tip me, though.
Not really too surprised. I'm not trying to offend any Canadian readers I might have out there, but in my experience Canadians either tip not at all or very poorly. But they're really, really polite!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Crappity-crap! Literally.

More adventures at the dog park this evening. Along with oodles of fun for my dogs, which is a very good thing, I stepped in a pile of dog shit that somebody was too lazy to pick up (and somehow this poo got on my jeans, too). Then a fat, unaltered beagle moseyed up to me and lifted his leg on MY leg. As if I were a tree. I was pissed (off? on?). Oh, well. Just a few more of the typical hazards of the dog park, which also include screaming, running kids. No wonder my dog Tucker is afraid of and dislikes kids! I'm actually getting used to the lack of lights at this park. There is a lit sidewalk that runs around the perimeter and gives just enough light to see your dog, and it's nice because the parents tend to take the kiddies away once it gets too dark.
What I find so amusing is that I know a bunch of people who go to this park regularly, but I only know their dogs' names. Just like they know my dogs are Harley and Tucker, but probably don't remember my name! Dog people can be weird.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Your help would be greatly appreciated...

Not just a kick-ass photographer, who'd probably be able to make even me look good, Oleg Volk is also a champion of our Second Amendment rights. Now he's facing a court battle to take back what's rightfully his. Go, read, and see if you can help. Please. Because he can express himself in ways I only dream about.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Look away, oh easily offended ones...

Seen on a bumper sticker near a Catholic church:

Let's put the "Christ" back in "Christmas"!

Only problem there, Spanky, is that it was a pagan holiday to begin with!


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

It's not just my dirty mind!

Remember "Stripburger?" Well this morning I realized the naughtiness was not all in my head. Remember how the slogan I saw said, "You can't beat our meat?" I saw another ad on a taxi on my way to work today, and it said, "Size does matter!" So now I know they are deliberately being risque. I approve!

Wake-up call

My "boyfriend" Julio called me again this morning, waking me up four minutes before my alarm was supposed to ring.

I think if this happens again, I should probably listen until the end of the recording instead of hanging up in a knee-jerk reaction.

It's just creepy, that's all.

Anyway, I want my four minutes of sleep, dangit!

In other news, I massaged a young man from Ireland today. Rowr. I confess to a weakness...I'm a sucker for accents. Doesn't matter what kind, but if I'm not careful, I melt into a puddle, right there in front of you!

And yesterday, I massaged a lady who made me want to move to Texas even more than I already do. A 76-year-old from Houston, she and her husband of 54 years worked the family ranch for 46 years until their doctors convinced them to move to the city where better medical care was available. As she put it (which made me giggle), "I thought we'd grow old together and die on the ranch. But we didn't die!"
What a classy lady, I hope I see her again soon.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Pet Peeve # 7,369,852.039

Wimpy handshakes. Especially those wimpy WOMAN handshakes, where the woman in question sorta does the limp-wrist flop, as if I'm supposed to bow over her hand and kiss it or something.
It's probably my German upbringing, but I can't stand a bad handshake.

Maybe I should start a class? Proper Handshakes 101. Or write a book..."Shaking Hands for Dummies."

Works for me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Potty Mouth

Now, I've never claimed to be a lady, and I've certainly dropped the F-bomb on this blog quite a few times, but it's a little unnerving to hear your 17-year-old daughter cussing up a storm on the phone. So from now on, we've made a pact to cut out all cussing completely. That includes shit, damn, fuck, and variations thereof. "Fuck" is allowed if it's in the lyrics of a song we're singing along with. And all cussing is specifically and most definitely forbidden when A) Playing video games (Silver!) and B) Driving (ME!)

That is all, carry on.

Friday, September 19, 2008


I was reading some Austrian news and came across the most delicious word:


Which in English means, literally, "ass-antlers"


Apparently it's used to refer to what is affectionately known in the U.S. as a "tramp stamp."

When I saw the headline, I initially thought they were talking about the thong "whale-tail," which would have also been brilliant, but this is even better.

They were discussing how the rate of laser tattoo removal had doubled in the last five years, the process of which I think is easily avoidable by not getting tattoos when you're young, drunk, and/or stupid.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Seen on a bumper sticker in the college campus parking lot...

"This Country Needs a Douche - its Bush Stinks"

So, you're saying Barack Obama is a douche bag? Good call!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I was just looking at my feet, which I had pampered earlier with a pedicure, and I realized anew just how ugly they are. BIG and ugly. If there was one thing about me I could change (feasibly, since I'm already changing other stuff), I'd have new feet.
What, if anything, would YOU change about yourselves? Physical stuff or other?
I'm curious...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


If you can't handle a 'Vette, DON'T DRIVE ONE!!

Thank you.

Thanks, but NO THANKS!

Just five minutes ago, I was busy making myself some dinner when the phone rang. Thinking it's Silver, needing a ride, I picked up the phone...

Instead of, "Hi, Mom! We got out of practice early, can you pick me up, please," I heard the following:

(woman's recorded voice) Hello! You have a collect call from...

(man's voice) Julio!

(woman's recorded voice) inmate at Nevada State...

That's where I hung up the phone, quickly!

I may be single, Julio, but I ain't that desperate...yet!

Monday, September 15, 2008

I can just picture her face!

My daughter, Silver, sent me the following cartoon as we were chatting yesterday. Yes, we live in the same apartment and still chat on-line. We're weird like that. She's been obsessed with a video game character called Auron from the Final Fantasy series, and tried googling to find like-minded folks. She got some *ahem* unexpected search results! The character in the cartoon is her alter-ego, Silver the Evil Chao.

click to embiggen

I *lol*ed quite a bit! My poor, innocent daughter, being exposed to the evil, evil internet.

If you use Internet Explorer instead of Firefox (why?!), click on the cartoon twice to magnify it, then you'll be able to read the text better!

Potpourri of Miscellaneous Redundancies...

I don't like to tan. That's mainly because I take after my Northern European mother and am pale as a ghost. I CAN tan, but only after suffering horrific burns, not a desirable process, believe me! Plus, my older brother already had a skirmish with basal cell carcinoma, while in his twenties. As much as I admire and adulate my brother, I really don't want to emulate him in this area!
That said, I'm pretty much of the opinion that whatever floats your boat, go for it! If you want to resemble well-worn saddle leather, have at it.
However, the other day while at Wal*Mart, in the Health and Beauty section, of all places *snerk*, I saw a woman who was tanned so darkly I literally did a double-take and stood staring at her for a moment, with my jaw dangling somewhere around the level of my clavicles. Thankfully, Alligator Sal was perusing the products on the shelves, so I was able to pull myself together before someone called the nice men in the white coats to take me away.

Who thinks this is attractive? I fully believe this woman must be one of those addicted-to-tanning people. That's the only explanation I'll accept!


I'm so pissed off right now, I have to vent. I just wasted DAYS of my life on one of the worst fantasy series I've ever read. What pisses me off even more is that I LOVE David Eddings. I devoured the Belgariad and Malloreon as a kid, and was thrilled when my daughter fell in love with them recently as well. The Elenium and Tamuli are equally adored in this house. So imagine my dismay and disappointment to find such dreck actually published. The only fact that keeps me from finding a sharp, pointy stick and poking my eye out is that I checked the books out from the library and thus didn't pay a dime for this, this...printed matter unworthy to line a litter box with!
But the WORST part of it, the part that by far pisses me off the most, is the ending. How can you have an ending that renders the events of the entire series null and void? "Oh, let's go back in time and do this, then NONE of the bad stuff we just went through will ever happen!"
Mother FUCKERS!!!!
What a cop-out. I've truly never been so disappointed in a book ending in my life. I think I'd have been happier if everyone had just died at the end, seriously.
Okay, vent over.

I've mentioned before that I'm scheduled for bariatric surgery in November. I haven't gone into details regarding the whole process, but let me just say that my insurance company makes all candidates jump through a plethora of hoops before they authorize the surgery. The entire program is 18 months long! Six months pre-surgery, and a year post-op. I have no problem with this, anything that will help me be successful is appreciated.
Something very amusing happened today, however. I was walking through the employee dining room with my salad, headed for my table, when I saw a lady I know from support group coming towards me, I shouted a, "Hi! How are ya!" and was getting ready to ask her if I was going to see her next week at our group, when I became aware of the horrified expression on her face. Then I noticed the bowl of ice cream she was (unsuccessfully) trying to shield from my view with her other hand.


I'm not a snitch, so she has nothing to worry about. I also noticed the two empty drink glasses at her table, also a no-no (no drinking 30 minutes prior, during, or 30 minutes after meals.)

Hey, I cheat on occasion as well, but at least I'm smart enough to do it at home, where I won't get caught!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Music Meme

Shamelessly stolen from Buck.

The rules:

A) Go to Music Outfitters.
B) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline or italicize your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don’t remember or don’t care about.

1. Faith, George Michael
2. Need You Tonight, INXS
3. Got My Mind Set On You, George Harrison
4. Never Gonna Give You Up, Rick Astley
5. Sweet Child O' Mine, Guns N' Roses
6. So Emotional, Whitney Houston
7. Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Belinda Carlisle
8. Could've Been, Tiffany
9. Hands To Heaven, Breathe
10. Roll With It, Steve Winwood
11. One More Try, George Michael
12. Wishing Well, Terence Trent d'Arby
13. Anything For You, Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine
14. The Flame, Cheap Trick
15. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car, Billy Ocean
16. Seasons Change, Expose
17. Is This Love, Whitesnake
18. Wild, Wild West, Escape Club
19. Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard
20. I'll Always Love You, Taylor Dayne
21. Man In The Mirror, Michael Jackson
22. Shake Your Love, Debbie Gibson
23. Simply Irresistible, Robert Palmer
24. Hold On To The Nights, Richard Marx
25. Hungry Eyes, Eric Carnen
26. Shattered Dreams, Johnny Hates Jazz
27. Father Figure, George Michael
28. Naught Girls (Need Love Too), Samantha Fox
29. A Groovy Kind Of Love, Phil Collins
30. Love Bites, Def Leppard
31. Endless Summer Nights, Richard Marx
32. Foolish Beat, Debbie Gibson
33. Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
34. Angel, Aerosmith
35. Hazy Shade Of Winter, Bangles
36. The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson
37. Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin
38. Make Me Lose Control, Eric Carnen
39. Red Red Wine, UB40
40. She's Like The Wind, Patric Swayze
41. Bad Medicine, Bon Jovi
42. Kokomo, Beach Boys
43. I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That, Elton John
44. Together Forever, Rick Astley
45. Monkey, George Michael
46. Devil Inside, INXS
47. Should've Known Better, Richard Marx
48. I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love, Chicago
49. The Loco-Motion, Kylie Minogue
50. What Have I Done To Deserve This?, Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield
51. Make It Real, Jets
52. What's On Your Mind, Information Society
53. Tell It To My Heart, Taylor Dayne
54. Out Of The Blue, Debbie Gibson
55. Don't You Want Me, Jody Watley
56. Desire, U2
57. I Get Weak, Belinda Carlisle
58. Sign Your Name, Terence Trent d'Arby
59. I Want To Be Your Man, Roger
60. Girlfriend, Pebbles
61. Dirty Diana, Michael Jackson
62. 1-2-3, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
63. Mercedes Boy, Pebbles
64. Perfect World, Huey Lewis and the News
65. New Sensation, INXS
66. Catch Me (I'm Falling), Pretty Poison
67. If It Isn't Love, New Edition
68. Rocket 2 U, Jets
69. One Good Woman, Peter Cetera
70. Don't Be Cruel, Cheap Trick
71. Candle In The Wind, Elton John
72. Everything Your Heart Desires, Daryl Hall and John Oates
73. Say You Will , Foreigner
74. I Want Her, Keith Sweat
75. Pink Cadillac, Natalie Cole
76. Fast Car, Tracy Chapman
77. Electric Blue, Icehouse
78. The Valley Road, Bruce Hornsby and The Range
79. Don't Be Cruel, Bobby Brown
80. Always On My Mind, Pet Shop Boys
81. Piano In The Dark, Brenda Russell Featuring Joe Esposito
82. When It's Love, Van Halen
83. Don't Shed A Tear, Paul Carrack
84. We'll Be Together, Sting
85. I Hate Myself For Loving You, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
86. I Don't Want To Live Without You, Foreigner
87. Nite And Day, Al B. Sure
88. Don't You Know What The Night Can Do, Steve Winwood
89. One Moment In Time, Whitney Houston
90. Can't Stay Away From You, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
91. Kissing A Fool, George Michael
92. Cherry Bomb, John Cougar Mellancamp
93. I Still Believe, Brenda K. Starr
94. I Found Someone, Cher
95. Never Tear Us Apart, INXS
96. Valerie, Steve Windwood
97. Just Like Paradise, David Lee Roth
98. Nothin' But A Good Time, Poison
99. Wait, White Lion
100. Prove Your Love, Taylor Dayne

Wow. I was right, some of the songs I'm unfamiliar with, simply because I was living in Germany at the time. Most of the songs on here I'm either meh about, or I didn't like them. Just to 1988 Rick Astley was HOTT!! That influences my liking of his songs. And "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Best. Dancing. Song. EVAR!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I must have a dirty, dirty mind.

There's a restaurant (I don't know whether it's new or not) that I've seen advertised all over town recently, mainly on taxi cabs. I don't know if I'm just especially tired tonight, or whether the planets were aligned just right, but my brain took a left turn when I saw yet another ad for this place on my drive home from work tonight.

The restaurant in question is called "Stripburger", and their slogan?

"You can't beat our meat."

Somehow, despite the picture on the ad, "hamburger" was NOT what sprang into my mind when I read the slogan.

I'm a perv, so sue me.

Monday, September 08, 2008

The winner, by default...

because neither of my competitors attempted the tie-breaker!


And here are my two beauties:


Sunday, September 07, 2008

No Dice

If you folks recall, I interviewed for a part-time job two weeks ago. I thought the interview itself went brilliantly. The manager and I had a rapport, and I can bullshit my way (in a sincere fashion!) through just about anything. The audition didn't go as well, I guess. I'm philosophical about it, I have to be. Not everyone is going to like my massage; it's unfortunate in this case that it really, really mattered whether my "client" liked it.
What pisses me off is that they haven't had the courtesy to give me a call or send an e-mail to let me know they're not interested. I find that very rude and unprofessional. I called the day after my interview, just to tell them thanks for giving me the opportunity, etc. No response. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I'm at the point now that if they called me tomorrow and offered me the job, I'd tell them to fuck off.
It's probably for the best. In October we're running a VIP promotion for the entire month, and I'll probably be working plenty of extra shifts anyway, and my surgery is on November 5, so I'll be taking some time off. Yeah, gotta look for that silver lining, right?


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Here it is!

My "gold" medal! They also took a picture of me wearing it and pointing to my score on the board. The picture (and those of all other gold-medal-winning participants) will be displayed at the gym until next year!


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Just one more thing....

The following e-mail was waiting for me in my in-box when I got home tonight:

Congratulations Christina,

Now that you have successfully completed your NET exam, the next step is to get your prior educational documentation together. I will need copies of the originals to place in your folder which appears with you before the nursing admission committee. Please contact me at your earliest so we can begin the process. Look forward to working with you.


Michael D. Arnold, MBA-TM, BSIT-NTC


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Health -O-lympics!

My ginormous corporate employer runs a health-and-wellness center for its employees, which includes a gym with eager personal trainers. I've been part of a weight-loss program sponsored by my insurance company for the past few months, and this includes weekly sessions with my trainer. (Actually, it's a pre-bariatric-surgery program. I'm scheduled for a lap-band procedure on November 5th.) One of the things the wellness center does is incentive programs to get the people motivated to exercise. August's program, inspired by the Olympics obviously, was the "Health-O-lympics!"

It included the following events:

-Standing long jump
-Bench press half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Squats with half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Partial Curl-ups (sorta like sit-ups, only you don't raise yourself up all the way)
(as many as you could do in a minute)

I hemmed and hawed for a few days, then just signed up and did it...

I won gold in the partial curl-ups! I did 69 in one minute! I crushed the competition, I think my closest competitor got 58.

I'm tied in the bench press for silver, and tomorrow will be the tie-breaker.
I bench-pressed 115 pounds five times (yes, I weigh more than 230 pounds, 231 to be exact, as of this morning. I'm a big girl, for now...)

Here are my results for all events:

-Standing long jump [I did 58", pathetic, I know]
-Bench press half your weight [5]
-Squats with half your weight [35] (My quads were sooooo sore after this, for days!)
-Partial Curl-ups [69]
-Sit-and-reach [22"]

So wish me luck tomorrow, I'm gonna have to really bring it, and do more than five this time.

Broke a record

I massaged the tallest person I've ever massaged today, breaking my record by two inches. This gentleman from England was 6'8" tall. I had to bend my neck waaaay back to maintain eye contact, and I'm not that short (5'5").
Poor guy, when he was turned over on his back, both his feet were dangling off the end of the massage table. And when the massage was over, he had to pull his feet in so I could open the door!
I've always wanted to be tall, but DAMN! I can only imagine the difficulties faced by someone that huge. I think I'll just be satisfied with my 5'5"...not like I have any other choice!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Wow, he pin-pointed me PRECISELY!

(click to blow up pun intended!)

How accurate of him!