Sunday, February 28, 2010


Is having dirty hair now "in", Ladies? I mean, I understand that it's easier to style your hair when it's NOT freshly washed, but if it's stiff with grease and dirt and product, if I can SMELL it when I'm sitting by your head, and if I feel like I need to shower after giving you a scalp massage, it's a problem of epic proportions, and I don't CARE how fantastic it looks.

Wise up, Women. Wash your fucking hair. At least wash it more than once every two weeks. Thank you.

Friday, February 26, 2010


I laughed as I saw what a patient had entered for "spouse's profession" on his new patient form: CEO Domestic Affairs
Considering they have five children ranging in age from 20 years old to 10 MONTHS old, it's no surprise he describes her thus. A weak person couldn't handle those kind of domestic affairs!

A patient who is a member of the Greatest Generation kissed my hand today and called me "pretty lady" upon being introduced. I was flattered and thanked him for his service. He demurred and insisted he'd done nothing but dance at the USO with pretty women. Somehow I doubt that...

And finally, I checked tomorrow's schedule at the spa just now and discovered I have a returning client, one who requested me by name, no less. The fact that this happens to be the client who tipped me a Benjamin after his first massage from me is icing on that particular cake!

Forgot to mention that there's been a loaded shotgun lying in the kitchen since I got up this morning, and I finally found out why from my roomie this evening. Seems there's a family of skunks that's decided to take up residence in the sheep shelter/barn, and they cheekily decided to show themselves in all their racing-striped glory to my roommate this morning. By the time he ran back into the house and got the shotgun, they'd vanished. Tomorrow morning, he'll be better my roommate's words, "Their time on earth is almost up..." You do NOT want to be an unwanted critter on my roommate's land.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Seen at a local Mom 'n' Pop burger stand...

a sign stating:


With a big arrow pointing to the back of the place. I laughed. I need to get a picture of it next time I'm there. (Note to self: always carry camera in purse, dammit!)

Also amusing was a patient I was chatting with as she was waiting to see the doc. We were commenting on how MOTHERFUCKING COLD it's been lately, and what we've been doing to combat our goosebumps and chills without racking up the utility bills.

She kept talking about how awesome "vortex" was, and I had to hide my chuckles, since I'm pretty sure she meant "gortex". Oh, rhymes nicely.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My four-legged neighbors...

as promised.

Oh, and as an aside, I WILL be getting internet service in the next few weeks, so hopefully my blogging will pick up. Then again, who knows? ;)

Here's the flock of sheep that lives in my back yard. Tucker delights in charging the electric fence, stiff-legged and barking, whenever they happen to be close by.


Here's the mama sheep (or "ewe", lol) with her two surviving lambs. I believe I mentioned she had triplets but the runt died the first night. See the size disparity between the two remaining lambs? Amazing!


I still can't figure out what breed of sheep they are, though I've been googling like mad. I suppose I could just ask my roommate, but what fun is that?

Here are the asses of a herd of cattle that live next door to the east of me, they're gathered around a giant bale of hay. And what's with these huge, rolled-up hay bales? I thought hay came in square bales you could pick up and sling onto the bed of a pick-up truck?


Here's Bucky the Goat, my neighbor to the West.


And finally, here's a herd of miniature horses, whom I pass every time I drive into town. They're still shaggy with their winter coats, and I think they're ADORABLE. I squee every time I pass them. :)



What do y'all think of my brainstorm of breeding mini-mules, using miniature mares and a teeny-weeny donkey? Brilliance or folly? I think I could make a mint...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I really need to remember my camera...

I want to take pics when I'm out and about, so I can show y'all some of my four-legged neighbors.

A dog which I thought belonged to a house my pups and I were passing on our walk today decided to join us. It was touch and go with Tucker for a bit, since our new friend was quite a bit larger than they and Tucker has a bit of a Napoleon complex. Finally, after a few minutes of whining and charging him and barking, Tucker settled down and we all continued on our collective way. Only problem was, when we got back to the house I was sure was New Friend's, he completely ignored it and kept on walking with us. was the classic "he followed me home" scenario! Unfortunately I don't have a fenced yard, and I certainly couldn't bring a strange dog into my roommate/landlord's house, so I got him a bowl of food and called animal control, instead.

Then I went about my day, running errands in the nearest bigger town. I got a call from the Animal Control Officer, telling me he was at my house. He heard my two pups barking from inside, and all four garage kitties came to make friends with him, but there was no sign of my New Friend, the big yellow dog with huge paws. I'm worried about him, I won't lie, because people drive like maniacs on these country roads, and I'm afraid he'll be roadkill before long. Or else the coyotes will get him.

Well, who knows? Maybe I'll get home today and he'll be waiting for me! The question is, what do I do then?

Friday, February 12, 2010

Things I noticed on my drive into town today, by way of Snowmageddon...

First, a big, ole roadrunner in the middle of the road. He skedaddled quickly at my approach.

Then I saw a large outbuilding, whose corrugated tin roof had completely collapsed due to the weight of the snow.

Lastly, I saw a lucky kid, belly-down on a sled, being towed behind a tractor. Man, I only got to slide down hills when I was little!

Also, it's hysterically funny to observe my dogs bounding through belly-deep snow. I larfed and larfed.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


This morning at around 7 AM, I woke up to this:



By around 1 PM, it looked like so:



I had to sweep my car off with a broom and kick the accumulated snow from behind my car so I could back out of there. Fun. At least the roads aren't frozen yet. That's for after dark tonight, when all the lovely slush and snowmelt freeze and transform streets and parking lots to ice rinks. I'm making DAMN sure I'm home before dark today. And I'm also DAMN glad I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow. Most likely, that is...I'm on call at work in the afternoon...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I don't know about you...

but I thought being a bodyguard required some kind of discretion. I mean, shouldn't you take care to do your job unobtrusively? Unless of course you've been hired for show by some Hollywood wannabe.

So, personally, I don't get driving around in your Mercedes with the vanity plates reading:


Unless you think it'll get you laid.

Saturday, February 06, 2010


I had a horrible nightmare last night, the kind of nightmare that stays with you far longer than it ever should.

In this dream, my EX-roommate (the one in Las Vegas, I mean), who inexplicably was represented by Norm MacDonald, was pissed off at me for some reason. Really pissed off. So pissed off, in fact, that he grabbed my dog Tucker and broke Tucker's front leg with his bare hands.

I was understandably horrified by this turn of events, but instead of calling the cops, I merely kept bleating, "It's $3000 to fix his leg!"

And the dream continued on, covering a day or so, throughout which Tucker cried and yelped piteously whenever he tried to put any weight on that leg. Ugh. Horrible.

I woke up at some point and cuddled Tucker even tighter, murmuring, "Poor baby! Poor baby!"

I'm having a hard time forgetting this one.


I had a client earlier today who made me scratch my head. No, she didn't have head lice which she passed on to me. She just confused me.

I was reading her intake form before the massage, and she'd circled the great big NO next to "diabetes", yet she listed Metformin under her current medications. I recalled that Metformin, aka Glucophage, was an oral medication for diabetes, so I asked her about it.

"Oh, I take Metformin. It helps control my insulin levels. But I'm not diabetic. I don't have diabetes!"

Okey-dokey. De Nile is not just a river in Egypt, Folks.

Now if any of you edjumacated people out there have a different explanation for this apparent incongruence, let me have it. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.

Friday, February 05, 2010

It's all over but the shouting!

EXCELLENT news from my lawyer today! The parents of the babies I had are settling with the perinatal specialist! WOO-HOO! I just have to sign a waiver and release, have it notarized, and fax it to their lawyer. They are understandably concerned that I'll keep hitting them up for money, but I know for a fact this was the only outstanding bill dealing with the pregnancy, so I have no issues signing the waiver.

In other news, my life is so unexciting now that I have nothing much to report. I did apply at the local community college, with an RN major. I also went to the movies TWICE this week. I watched Avatar for the second time, this time in 3-D, which was excellent, and I saw "The Blind Side" yesterday, which totally blew me away. This is one of those rare movies that I think about a lot after seeing, also one of the exceedingly rare ones I plan on purchasing once it comes out on DVD. Good flick, go watch it. Sandra Bullock is outstanding, and the other actors are no slouches, either.

In other, other news, I'm coming to the inescapable conclusion that I need to find an additional job. Working two days a week is not going to pay my bills, and it would be really, really nice to be able to afford having internet service IN MY HOME. Imagine that, what a concept. ;)

So, it's back to checking craigslist obsessively and applying everywhere. Sigh.

Hope y'all are cruising along in the "smooth-sailing" lane.