Monday, March 30, 2009

Wrong, just WRONG!

Phyllis and I had a couple's massage this afternoon. I had hubby, she had the seven-month-pregnant wife. Very nice lady, but MY client? Meh.

I try to always give folks the benefit of the doubt, so when my client started twitching on the table, I thought, "Whatever."

Then I noticed he kept looking at his wife, and I thought, "Aw, cute! He's checking to see how his pregnant wife is doing!"

Not really. He was checking to see if she was watching HIM, because he was getting into the massage a leetle too much, if you know what I mean (and I KNOW you do!)
He was grinding into the table, and when I massaged his glutes, he lifted his hips up into the strokes, VERY disconcerting to me. I also think he had his hand underneath himself, fondling his junk, but I couldn't really tell under the sheet.

So when the massage was finally over, I felt like I needed a shower to cleanse myself.

The missus was waiting for hubby at the front desk, when Rhyan came trotting out of the men's spa and made a beeline for me. Apparently the mister got so revved up from the massage, he couldn't wait to get to the hotel room and get it on with the missus. Instead, he decided jacking off in the shower was a viable alternative! Ewwwww. I'm really glad it was a couple's massage and not individual, who knows what he'd have tried to pull if he had been alone with me in a treatment room. Oh, well. At least he was a good tipper!

Thursday, March 26, 2009


so a couple nights a week I'll be roving the New York, New York, doing massage on gamblers. Wow. I'm kinda nervous, actually. But I'm sure I'll be okay! I hope so, anyway...:)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009




Sunday, March 22, 2009

Seen on my drive home...

a car with California license plate number:


I LOVE vanity plates!

In other news, I'm interviewing Tuesday night for a part-time job as a "roving/roaming (not quite clear on the terminology yet) chair massage therapist"...I'll be walking around casinos chirping, "Massage? Massage?" sorta like a low-rent cocktail waitress...;)

In other, OTHER news, I applied for this job and arranged for my interview solely by text message. I'd left numerous voicemails on my contact's cell phone, and finally decided to text her this afternoon. She replied within minutes...let's hear it for technology!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Apropos of nothing...

I massaged a gal today who was a dead ringer for Kirsten Dunst. Dimples and all. Just thought you ought to know...

Friday, March 20, 2009


I met an extremely cute man at the dog park today, who was equally enamored...of my DOG.


Fuck my life.

Yes, I've become addicted to this website since yesterday, and have been noticing FML moments everywhere.

I'm actually flattered by the man's interest in my pup. He told me Harley was the most beautiful dog he's ever seen, and that he wants an Italian Greyhound just like him. His wife (beautiful, blonde) agreed...;)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You never can tell...

The most demure, self-effacing, soft-spoken, red-haired, freckle-faced, gold-cross-wearing young female client might also be wearing the sexiest little hot-pink and black thong underwear!

You just never can tell...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I *heart* Armenians...

I gave an Armenian lady her very first massage today. Halfway through, she grabbed my hand and said, "You have gold hand. May God bless you always."


And she gave me a big hug after the massage and thanked me profusely.

She really made my day!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I was mesmerized...

by the signs in a restaurant window.

Silver and I were eating dinner at Jason's Deli last Friday, a tradition for us on her yearly band festival day, since the festival is held at UNLV's Hamm Concert Hall and Jason's is just down the street. Since it's been quite some time since I was there last, a new restaurant has moved in across the way, Jollibee, whose front windows were visible from where I was sitting inside Jason's.

Can someone please explain to me what the fuck "Crispy Chickenjoy" or "Juicy Yumburger" mean?!

Okay, so "yumburger" isn't so bad, but "CHICKENJOY"??!!

I don't think I want anything to do with anything that makes chickens joyful.

Silver had to repeatedly get my attention because I kept staring out the window at "Crispy Chickenjoy".

Maybe I'm just weird.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Overheard chez LMT...

"I can't WAIT until we get to quantum mechanics and relativity in Physics! It'll be so cool."

"Apparently 'Watchmen' has full frontal nudity."

"Male or female?"



Now guess who said what...;)

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I heard about this one at the dogpark...

Check out the baby's expression...priceless!

This one naturally follows:

Thankfully (?), my Italian Greyhounds don't seem to have the propensity to "roo"...:D

Friday, March 06, 2009

Best. Day. EVAR!

I met my first bloggers in "real" life!


Jethro and Zelda are in town to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary and Silver and I were lucky enough to get to spend some time with them yesterday.
What amazing people they are! I don't think I've ever met a kinder, more laid-back and down-to-earth couple in my life. They are the kind of folks with whom one never runs out of stuff to talk about. We had a total blast!
I wish I had more skill with words, because then I could convey my thoughts and emotions with such clarity, you guys reading this would much more thoroughly understand the awesomeness that is Jethro and Zelda. And I'm not kidding, either.


Not at all!

So, I picked up Zelda and Jethro early afternoon and we cruised up and down the Strip for awhile, until they ceased to be utterly flabbergasted by the sheer enormity of the hotel-casinos ('cause they ARE huge). I amused myself (and hopefully them) by pointing out all the buildings I was unfamiliar with, since there are quite a lot of them, actually! Like most people who live in or around famous places, I tend to avoid the Strip like the plague (except for the casino I work in), unless I have out of town guests to show around. I've been sadly guest-less for the past few years, so many of the new casinos and condo projects are completely unfamiliar to me.

We stopped for some pictures at the "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign, then headed to my place for some serious massage and chat.
After my dogs' frenzied greetings were over and they had somewhat relaxed, I got down to business and gave first Jethro then Zelda their massages. What a wonderful time! Silver was sitting with us, and all four of us chatted back and forth on a myriad of topics. Yes, I did have to shoo Harley off the massage table a time or two (or three...), but overall I believe J.& Z. enjoyed themselves.

(Don't worry, this is an old picture...I do NOT photograph my clients while they're on the table!)

We laughed so much, I think my ribs are sore from it today.

After I reduced them to puddles of goo finished the massages, Jethro reciprocated with some outstanding soft tissue manipulation of my hands and forearms that I'm still feeling today. Thanks, Jethro, I needed that!

We were all feeling a bit peckish by then, so Zelda and Jethro invited us to dinner. I never turn down food! So we headed over to the nearby Blackbear Diner, the eatery famous for its gigantic, enormous portions of food. We all had leftovers! Despite my bizarre insistence that chicken-fried steak is, in fact, chicken (don't ask, I don't know, maybe because I was tired?), we really enjoyed ourselves. Jethro and Silver did run into some frustration due to being unable to find video of Terry Fator's first audition for America's Got Talent on youtube, using Jethro's iPhone.

Google for the win, Baby!

Then we drove back to the hotel, with a detour to see the Strip at night. Oddly enough, as we were driving, Silver said EXACTLY THE SAME THINGS I had said earlier in the day. I accused her of bugging the car, but I guess it's just a side effect of us being much alike in our thought processes. I did mention it was way past time for her to head off to college! It's getting a bit creepy how alike we are...;)

After Silver and I had bid our new friends farewell, we made our way back down Tropicana towards home. As we were cruising along, my phone rang and Silver scrambled to dig it out of my purse (I don't like talking on the phone while driving). I heard Silver say, "Okay. Okay. Thank you!" Then she turned to me and said, "We're supposed to check the microwave right away!" Huh?

Turns out Jethro and Zelda found a sneaky and creative way of leaving a tip for me! I had repeatedly refused any kind of money for the massages, they were my gift to them for their anniversary, plus they took us out to eat! That was plenty, as far as I was concerned. But they were having none of that, and took the opportunity while we gave them privacy to get dressed after the massage to slip a generous gratuity into a hiding place, with Silver and me none the wiser! Thanks again, Guys. You absolutely ROCK!

So you see why I think yesterday was the best day EVAR?! But gets even BETTER! (Even I didn't think that was possible!)

You see, Silver and I checked our mailbox before we went up to the apartment, and I found the most amazing package in there...with NINJAS!!

Behold the wonder of Phlegmfatale's mad packaging skills:


But the contents of the package was even awesomer!

(I apologize for my poor photography skills, I really can't do the earrings justice!)

Aren't they STUNNING? My very own, hand crafted, one-of-a-kind Phlegmmy earrings!!1!!!one!1! Thank you, Phlegm!

I think I'd burst if I were any happier.

*heaves BIG sigh of happiness*

Thank you, Zelda and Jethro, for being the fantastic people you are. Silver and I are honored to have met you.

Hopefully this was just the beginning of a wonderful friendship...:)

Thursday, March 05, 2009


So, Silver and I went to an event she was invited to this evening, because she KICKS ASS...*ahem* was the 2008-2009 Drive for Excellence, and they raffled off six laptop computers among other door prizes. Silver was very reluctant to go initially, I had to wake her up from a nap to get ready, she was hungry and cranky and kept saying, "I never win anything anyway, so why do we even have to go...I could be doing homework or playing video games or something!" But I insisted. She's done very, very well, and if a bunch of local organizations and companies want to honor her, we should at least take the time to show up. So we did and despite the fact that our feet were killing us (high heels, ugh), we had fun.
They started raffling off the laptops, and Silver was eying her ticket very closely. By the third announcement, her shoulders were slumped and she'd lost hope...then it happened...the announcer said, verrrrry slooooowly: 2...9...1...0.......8...........9!


Silver and I started screaming and jumping up and down: SHE'D WON!!!!

After making our way through the crowd up to the stage, filling out the obligatory paperwork and having her picture taken numerous times (she might make the paper!), we headed home. While walking toward the door, Silver looked at me and said, "Happy Birthday, Mom. This one's yours."
I have a very good kid.
You see, I spent half of my tax refund buying a refurbished laptop for her, so she'd have one for college. I had initially planned on getting one for myself at the same time, but since the one she wanted was so pricey, I changed my mind and resigned myself to using my old, slow, crappy 256-megs-of-RAM desktop for a long, long time.
Now I'm typing this post on my new, snazzy, superfast Dell Inspiron 1525 laptop, instead! The one she spent an hour setting up for me.

What can I say? Silver's a sweetheart! :)


Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Musings on my birthday

Well, it's that day again. The day I'm officially one year older than I was yesterday.
Yup, today's my birthday. I'm 39. One more year before I hit forty, and forty hits back!
I was thinking about my life, unavoidable really, and one bit of information that came my way yesterday made me come to a pretty momentous decision.
Yesterday I found out that the private college I was planning on attending to get my nursing degree now has a one year waiting list.
So that closed the one avenue I had of getting my degree quickly in Las Vegas. All of the other public colleges and universities have waiting lists of at least a year or longer, and I'm tired of working full-time and only getting three classes a semester out of my way. At this rate, it'll be six years before I even get my Associate's Degree!
Plus, I really, really hate living in Las Vegas. I need to get out of this soul-destroying city, and I'm sick of the desert and the brutal summers.
So, I'm planning on attending the International University of Nursing on the Caribbean island of St. Kitts.
My daughter goes off to college this fall and I'll be foot-loose and fancy-free. What could be better than going to school full-time, year-round, on a beautiful tropical island? I'll have my BSN in less than three years due to their accelerated program, plus I'll be able to transfer the credit I've already earned, so I'll be done even faster. Now I need to focus on paying off my credit card debt so I can start with a clean slate. I'm going to sell off everything I possibly can, including my car, put the rest in storage, and hop on a plane with my dogs. Who, by the way, are going to be in heaven living in a place where it never gets too cold or too hot.
Anyway, stay tuned to this channel blog for further developments. I'll keep you posted as time passes. I'm planning on leaving at the end of the year, so I have plenty of time. Don't worry, I'll keep blogging even when I'll have the opportunity to go sailing and snorkeling and swimming and hiking and snoozing on the beach and...;)


I'm so sorry, Everyone, but I had to remove the "Followers" gadget from my blog layout. I appreciate everyone who signed up to follow my blog, but I'm afraid I've been spammed. Please don't click on the spamhole calling itself "skywind"!
Thank you and again, I'm sorry!

Monday, March 02, 2009

I'm NOT a perv, honest!

Okay. Somebody please explain to me why some male high school students look like they should be playing marbles and catching frogs, and others look like they're professional football players or belong on the cover of GQ?!

Sometimes I involuntarily do a double take when I see a young Adonis rushing to school. Then I realize, oh, SHIT. No way is that a teacher! Then I purge my brain.

I guess it's okay to be human.

I understand some of the difficulties male teachers must face, as well. 'Cause some of those girls look like they're 25. At least. Thankfully my daughter looks like she's twelve.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I have no desire to be a cougar, and that any male friends my daughter might bring home with her from college are safe from me.

Anything else would be creepy and perverted.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Note to self...

do NOT wear shorts to the dog park. Even when it's nice outside. Even when it gets HOT outside. If I weren't too self-conscious to post pics of my thighs, you'd see a plethora of scratch marks going in all different directions. Ouch. Oh, and a really nasty scratch in the bend of my left knee. Double ouch.

On another note: Why is it that I thought of half a dozen topics to blog about today, but can remember not a single one?

Also: WTF is lint, anyway?!

Craptastic Day

Not only was I dogtired today (Saturday, yes I know it's after midnight, but to me, it's still Saturday since I haven't been to sleep yet!), but work was absolutely craptastic. It's Nascar weekend, so the place is packed, but none of those folks are interested in a spa treatment. They're here for the races, and to drink and party, I suppose, not to get a massage or facial.
So I had an eight o'clock deep tissue massage (btw, lady, thanks for NOT tipping me!), then I had a hand paraffin treatment at noon. That was it, for the whole day. I got a lot of reading done, and Angie and I did a trade late in the afternoon when it became obvious that nothing else was going to book. Ahhhhh. She's a great therapist and did an excellent job softening up my rock-hard shoulders. Hopefully, she feels the same about the massage I gave her!
So basically, I made fifty bucks today. Less than minimum wage. See what I mean about feast or famine? Last week and the week before we were slammed, now it's dead. Too much uncertainty in the spa business. Well, I'm working on it.
I had a paper due for my U.S. History class today. I couldn't work on it AT work because I have no internet there, and this is an on-line class using on-line sources. It was due at midnight and I submitted my paper at 11:59:52 PM...with seven seconds to spare, w00t!! Yes, I'm a procrastinator, but I do my best work under the gun, so to speak. Plus, I was so tired when I got home I took a nap from 8 PM to 10:30, so that limited my time to write my paper. Hey, I got it done and I kicked ass, so who cares?
I also got this for dinner...mmmmmm. That's what probably made me need a nap! Full belleh=coma...:) I also went here on my way to Chipotle and got some chocolate. Hey, sometimes a girl needs chocolate, if you know what I mean! No, I didn't overindulge, okay? I had two squares, which is half a serving, btw, and the rest of the bar is in the fridge. For emergencies. Like life.
Cranky? Who, me?