Tuesday, December 30, 2008


On my commute this evening, I got stuck behind a car whose registration expired in February of this year. Explain something to me, please. How the hell can someone drive around for 10 months with an expired registration without getting into trouble for it?
I guarantee you that if I let my registration expire, I'd be pulled over the very next day. That's just how it is.
I guess it's just one of those mysteries meant to be unsolved. Oh, well.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Interesting perspective

I had just finished my first massage of the day (one of only two I had scheduled at that point), when I was informed I was needed next door at our ritzy, higher-end partner spa.
Nothing loath, I headed over there and proceeded to spend two and a half hours doing some kick-ass (of course) massage.
Then I had to race back to my home spa, to do another massage before lunch, then another one after lunch.
Here is one thing that really stood out: I did three massages at my normal place of business and got not a single tip. I did two massages at our next-door spa and made $60 in tips.
Hey, Boss? Can I get a transfer, please...?!

Oh, and the one lady I massaged was from Decatur, Texas. You know, the home of the famous, petrified-wood-clad gas station? (Scroll down to December 20th...Phlegmmy, if you're reading this, you really need to have clickable posts, dammit!)
She was super nice and encouraged me in my plan to eventually move to Texas...but she was one of the non-tippers! Oh, well. Nobody's perfect!


My coworker M. has a big New Year's party planned, and I'm invited, YAY!
We're going to play Rock Band, Taboo, Pictionary, and many other games, all the while getting drunk as skunks.
This is where I have to admit to being extremely fortunate in having a kid who is old enough to drive but too young to drink alcohol: Hello, Designated Driver!
And here I was feeling all sorry for myself, because I thought I'd be spending another New Year's Eve vegging out at home.

Life is good.

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Last week I was massaging a lady who was receiving her very first hot stone massage.

I had just started gliding the rocks over her skin when I asked for feedback:

Me: Is this okay, not too hot?

Her: Oh, no, it's great! Is that some kind of heated oil?

Me: *blink blink* Um, no...it's actually the hot stones. (thinking: You know, the hot stones I use in a HOT STONE MASSAGE, the massage YOU scheduled for yourself?! Sheesh, Doofus!)

Let it be known that I always explain the entire process very thoroughly before the massage, especially to massage virgins.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

To all of you out there in Cyberland...

Merry Christmas (or Holiday of your Choice!) and a very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

You folks really are the best, and I'm grateful to have you all in my life.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Lacking inspiration...

since my daughter has given me the cough-from-hell as a lovely Christmas present, I'll take advantage of the fact that Buck was nice enough to tag me with an interesting meme: Work

It’s simple. Just list all the jobs you’ve had in your life, in order. Don’t bust your brain: no durations or details are necessary, and feel free to omit anything that you feel might tend to incriminate you. I’m just curious. And when you’re done, tag another five bloggers you’re curious about.

My list will be in no way as interesting as his (I *grrrr* at him for not providing more details on some of the more....intriguing jobs he's held) but here ya go:

-Volunteer at the Tempelhof AB Recreation Center (so I could spend time there and play AD&D, even though I was under age!)
-Airshow announcer
-Garden worker
-Hedgehog rehabilitator
-Organizer of and entertainer at children's birthday parties
-Chocolate factory worker
-Department store candy stocker
-Miss Sissi Bay (or rather, half of Miss Sissi Bay!)
-College student
-Air Force Basic Trainee
-Apprentice Cryptologic Linguist (Korean)
-Wedding singer
-Stay-at-home mom
-Football stadium cleaner
-Library aide
-Commissary vendor-stocker
-Blockbuster CSR
-Receptionist at polyurethane foam factory and sales office
-Clerk at insurance office (eleven eternally long days, before I got fired)
-Certified Nursing Assistant
-Unit clerk on the respiratory unit at rehabilitation hospital
-Medical front and back office assistant at Internal Medicine practice
-Pizza delivery person
-Beer -Beverage cart driver on golf course
-Waitress/bartender at same golf course
-Massage student
-Spa coordinator
-Massage therapist
-College student

That's it, I believe. I won't tag anyone, but feel free to partake, this was FUN!
Thanks, Buck!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


So, Silver and I were tooling eastbound down Flamingo, passing our local Fire Station. I pointed out the engine parked in front of the firehouse to her, and I also made quite the commotion over the fact that two of the firefighters were outside as well, messing around with their equipment...;)
I hit the jackpot when one of the men with his back to us suddenly bent over to pick something up off of the ground.

With my hands punching the air, I hooted and hollered,

"Yes! HE BENT OVER! Firefighters FTW!!!!"

Silver was laughing helplessly, her face in her hands, "Mom, YOU ARE SO BAD!"

Why yes, yes I am.

I never should have taken both hands off the wheel.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I love him, even though I don't know how to pronounce his name...

Read this, then tell me you don't love Vin Suprynowicz and want to have his babies. Go on, I dare ya!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

You haven't truly *LOL*ed...

until you've watched a tiny Italian Greyhound chase a border collie in circles, over and over and over again!

Trust me on this one...:D

Friday, December 19, 2008


The following conversation took place between myself and a client today. I had just started the massage, and I always begin with the hands and arms before I work on the back...

Her: Oh, I forgot to tell you...I have a broken finger on that hand.

Me: Which finger is it?

Her: The pinky.

I can see now that the little finger is crooked

Me: When did you break it?!

Her: Two months ago...

Me: Has it been treated?!

Her: Not yet...they tell me it needs to be rebroken now.

Me: How the heck did you break it, anyway?

Her: My husband did it.

Me: ?!?!?!?


Me: I'm so sorry.

She never elaborated, and I never asked. I really wanted to know more; was it an accident? Did he, God forbid, do it on purpose?

But there are some lines I just don't cross.


You gotta love a university that has a "Females for Firearms" club on campus! I told Silver to join up as soon as she can.

In other news, Silver did not get the library aide position she interviewed for. The letter said they're keeping her on the list for future openings, which really doesn't help her very much right now. She was understandably upset and feeling rejected, but I pointed out that it's certainly possible that they were looking for people to work during the day, while she is in school. So it doesn't mean they weren't impressed by her, or that they thought she sucked (her fear).

Well, the whole process was definitely a valuable learning experience for her, and I'm glad she applied for the job. Next up, she's going to apply for a position at a local GameStop. If there's anything about video games she doesn't know, I can't imagine what it might be.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The end of the world as we know it...

When I moved here in 2001, after the horrid winter I had in Maryland with three elementary-school-aged kids, a big motivator for me was moving to a place where my kids would never miss a day of school because of the weather.

Well, at least I have the day off, too...

I am issuing an invitation to Al Gore...

to come shovel the SNOW off my steps.


And while he's at it, he might as well shovel the sidewalks clean, too.


The world is topsy-turvy. It's not Las Vegas, it's Bizarro Vegas.

Global warming, my ass. Oh, wait! They're calling it global climate change now, aren't they? Yup, they gotta cover their collective ass.

Hell, I moved to Vegas to get away from the white stuff. I wonder if Silver will have school tomorrow...

UPDATE: Great, now they're saying this might be the worst snow storm to hit Las Vegas in thirty years. Thank God I have the day off...;)

UPDATE to the UPDATE: Snow and palm trees just don't go together.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Only in Vegas...

would I get a call from a colleague today, asking me to switch shifts with her next Friday so she can play in a poker tournament!

Well, if she wins the big prize ($14,000), maybe she'll throw a few hundreds my way.

(j/k A., if you're reading this!)


No, I will not massage the front of your throat. I know you say you have some scar tissue build-up, but I'm not massaging your windpipe. Nor your Adam's Apple, nor your hyoid, nor any of the other delicate structures there. Sheesh. Now get over it, and enjoy the massage I can do on the REST of your neck.


Why, for all that's holy, would you book a service called the "Foot Revitalizer", knowing damn well that your feet are excruciatingly ticklish?!

Well, at least you didn't kick me in the face. I'll put that one in the credit column.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Another milestone!

I've done it...I'm in the ONE HUNDREDS! I haven't broken THAT wall in, oh, almost nine years!

I'm just going to keep on trucking. BTW, what's the opposite of a vicious cycle?

I've discovered the most amazing thing, something that apparently lots of people have known about: The more I exercise, the more weight I lose. The more weight I lose, the EASIER it is to exercise. The easier it is to exercise, the more I exercise...!

Gotta love it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Question of the Day

If you plan on driving 45, why bother getting on the freeway? Fucktard.

NOT telling you what you want to hear

It's a common occurrence during a massage. I'm massaging the client, and he or she will pipe up with, "Can you feel the knots? I have a ton of knots in my (insert body part here), my therapist back home told me..." And variations thereof.

I don't play that game, though. Even if it affects my tip (which it HAS, believe me), I won't lie and pander to these people. If I feel a knot, I'll tell you. If I don't, I'll tell you that, too. Even if it crushes your illusions.


Had a really good day today, tip-wise, but except for a repeat client from last year (the ER doc), I have nothing special to report about the clients.

However...I do have a couple from the past few weeks/months that I've neglected to blog about for whatever reason, and since I'm remarkably uninspired right now, I might as well exploit 'em!

So, the first lady made me laugh; she was quite the grande dame from South Carolina, and once she was turned over onto her back, and I had asked, as always, how she was doing, she replied, "I'm goin' to be totally worthless after this!"

I paused for a moment, then responded, "Yes, because that's my goal: to render all of my clients completely worthless!"

I got a chuckle out of her...WIN!

My other client I want to mention here is a Grandmother from a tiny, one-traffic-light town near Memphis. She is secretly working towards becoming a full-time professional poker player! She told me only one of her children even knows, nobody else. She's worried what the congregation at her church will think...*lol*!

She explained to me that she's always loved playing cards, but it wasn't until a few years ago, when she was introduced to Texas Hold 'Em, that she became hooked. Apparently, she's pretty darn good! Since she's retired, her friends just think she's enjoying traveling, while she is really going from poker tournament to poker tournament.

I thought she really rocked. What a cool Grandma, just wish she could come out of the closet, so to speak.

Well, that's all for now, Folks! Should anything marginally interesting occur, besides my lusting after I guy I saw at the gym, which is pretty boring, I'll let you know! Have a great weekend...:)

Friday, December 12, 2008


Looks like winter is moving in next week. Highs in the forties. Yes, I said "highs!"
The lows are actually forecast to be in the thirties, so not that much of a temperature fluctuation at all. The worst thing is that there's a chance of rain and SNOW. Which means traffic here in Las Vegas is going to be even crazier than normal.

Oh, well. Gloves and scarves will be worn. All will be well.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My Superhero Pose

Just call me "The Incredible Shrinking Woman!"

This one's for Putz (for the jeans) and Phlegm Fatale (for the hair).

I'm even wearing my cowboy boots in honor of National Finals Rodeo, though you can't see 'em on this pic...blame the photographer!

These are the size 16 jeans I got at Goodwill the other night (for a buck fifty, I think). I just had my hair dyed ("Soft Dark Brown," officially) and trimmed today, and Deborah, the friend who trades massages for hair styling, also straightened it for me for the occasion. She wanted me to be able to appreciate the color and see just how long my hair has been growing. It's so curly/wavy that it's normally just to my shoulders or a little beyond them, so to see it down my back is pretty darn cool. I love the color, too...no more GRAY!!


So I hope everybody is happy now; I showed my ASS on the intarwebz!!

Actually, one finds PLENTY of asses on the internet, don't you agree?


If it walks like a duck...

I massaged a very nice older gentleman this afternoon. He's from San Francisco, originally from England, and he does some kind of financial stuff with the Chinese and Indian markets (don't ask me).

I was working on his left hamstrings and glute, when out of the blue he started talking about the cowboys here for the rodeo.

He said, "Have you ever massaged one of those rodeo guys? I bet their butts are hard as iron, am I right?"

As I regaled him with a story of the one-and-only bullrider I've massaged, I wondered about something.

Maybe you male readers out there can help me.

I think my gaydar is pretty functional, all things considered, but this client didn't cause a single ping. It is pretty gay for a man to talk about other men's butts, right? I mean, things haven't changed THAT much in the last decade, have they?

Okay, ball's in your court. I'm waiting to be enlightened.

Monday, December 08, 2008

I *heart* Goodwill!

My clothes are falling off of me, so I made the decision to get some that actually fit me right now.

Since I'm not a dummy, nor am I wealthy, I headed over to the Goodwill Superstore on Sahara this evening...jackpot!

The visit netted me six tops and four pairs of jeans for a whopping $23.66. Oh, that includes a book I snagged for a quarter!

The clothes are currently in the washer (remember, not a dummy), and the amusing thing is I "shopped ahead". The jeans are in four descending sizes, so I can move on without having to shell out again for a while.

Yup, I'm in size 16 jeans now, they fit me very well! I can pull up the fourteens, but can't button them quite yet. It'll come. I'm not worried.

One thing I've got to say, though. If you buy underwear at the Goodwill store, you must be desperate.

Sunday, December 07, 2008


I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I love it when the rodeo is in town.

Let's just say I'm partial to cowboys and leave it at that.

Early this morning as I was walking into work, a fairly large group of properly hatted and shod cowboys exited the door I was heading for. I think there were some women in the group, but they didn't really register with me...

My cowboy radar was working overtime, and I swiveled my head to follow their progress (the back view is usually at least as enticing as the front). Suddenly I became aware of a jingling noise.

Surely that wasn't...? They couldn't actually be wearing...? SPURS?!


Then I noticed a maintenance worker walking in the opposite direction with a huge bunch of keys clipped to his belt loop, the true source of the jingling sound.


So much for THAT fantasy.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

"You haven't seen me naked!"

is what I'd really like to say to well-meaning but obtuse folks who insist on saying things like, "You look like a superstar, like one of Charlie's Angels! You don't need to lose another ounce, you look great just like you are now!"

Yeah, and I still weigh over two hundred pounds, you haven't seen me naked, clothes can hide a multitude of sins, so STFU!

Please and thank you.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Seen on the street today...

A Mercedes 420E with the license plate "YZWECAN"...so, how about spreading a little of your wealth MY way, since you're into that stuff, huh?


This one has been making the rounds, so I thought I'd have a go at it!
The things I've done are in bold, with any comments I might have in italics:

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.several, actually
4. Visited Hawaii.all three of my kids were born there
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.does giving a homeless lady ten bucks I could ill afford count?
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. many, though it really should say "sung"
11. Bungee jumped. hell, no!
12. Visited Paris. been to France, but never made it to Paris, ditto Italy/Rome!
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. actually swam in the ocean during a lightning storm...hey, I was fourteen!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning. Ugh
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.I found it very creepy, I was fourteen (it was right after the swimming in the ocean during a lightning storm thing!)
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked. on Crete, that's public transportation!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a Marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. well, I've been to Budapest and other parts of Hungary, that's where my Dad's paternal ancestors are from, and I lived in Berlin, where my Mom was born...
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock (wall) climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted drawn.
8. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.snorkeling, yes. Scuba is on my list of things to do
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie. but I've been on TV!
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason. well, I've bought MYSELF flowers for no reason, does that count?
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving. it's on my list
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check. unfortunately, but not intentionally!
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy to give to my daughter
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. lived in D.C. for a year
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone. several
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. but I have yet to do the mule ride!
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous. Nina Hagen, what a bitch!
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day. I've read many, many books in one day, assuming I have nothing else to do!


Every time I hear "Global Warming", I feel an irresistible urge to punch a hippie.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I have discovered that it's impossible for me to get any schoolwork done when I'm at home. Too many distractions, too many novels in my TBR* stack, puppies clamoring for my attention, not to mention Silver, and it's a recipe for disaster. Add to that my natural tendency toward procrastination and I end up with overdue work.

So I headed straight from work to the college computer lab this evening and knocked out three papers in four hours. I finished my last paper, posted it to the appropriate discussion board, and e-mailed it to my prof minutes before they shut the lab down.

Ahhhh, satisfaction!

So you know where I'll be the next few days! One more (massive) research paper, four on-line quizzes, my Sociology final on Thursday, and I'm done, done, done! I can't WAIT for winter break!

* TBR=To be read