Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Wha?

On my commute this evening, I got stuck behind a car whose registration expired in February of this year. Explain something to me, please. How the hell can someone drive around for 10 months with an expired registration without getting into trouble for it?
I guarantee you that if I let my registration expire, I'd be pulled over the very next day. That's just how it is.
I guess it's just one of those mysteries meant to be unsolved. Oh, well.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Interesting perspective

I had just finished my first massage of the day (one of only two I had scheduled at that point), when I was informed I was needed next door at our ritzy, higher-end partner spa.
Nothing loath, I headed over there and proceeded to spend two and a half hours doing some kick-ass (of course) massage.
Then I had to race back to my home spa, to do another massage before lunch, then another one after lunch.
Here is one thing that really stood out: I did three massages at my normal place of business and got not a single tip. I did two massages at our next-door spa and made $60 in tips.
Hey, Boss? Can I get a transfer, please...?!

Oh, and the one lady I massaged was from Decatur, Texas. You know, the home of the famous, petrified-wood-clad gas station? (Scroll down to December 20th...Phlegmmy, if you're reading this, you really need to have clickable posts, dammit!)
She was super nice and encouraged me in my plan to eventually move to Texas...but she was one of the non-tippers! Oh, well. Nobody's perfect!

Par-TAY!

My coworker M. has a big New Year's party planned, and I'm invited, YAY!
We're going to play Rock Band, Taboo, Pictionary, and many other games, all the while getting drunk as skunks.
This is where I have to admit to being extremely fortunate in having a kid who is old enough to drive but too young to drink alcohol: Hello, Designated Driver!
And here I was feeling all sorry for myself, because I thought I'd be spending another New Year's Eve vegging out at home.

Life is good.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Duh

Last week I was massaging a lady who was receiving her very first hot stone massage.

I had just started gliding the rocks over her skin when I asked for feedback:

Me: Is this okay, not too hot?

Her: Oh, no, it's great! Is that some kind of heated oil?

Me: *blink blink* Um, no...it's actually the hot stones. (thinking: You know, the hot stones I use in a HOT STONE MASSAGE, the massage YOU scheduled for yourself?! Sheesh, Doofus!)

Let it be known that I always explain the entire process very thoroughly before the massage, especially to massage virgins.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

To all of you out there in Cyberland...

Merry Christmas (or Holiday of your Choice!) and a very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

You folks really are the best, and I'm grateful to have you all in my life.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Lacking inspiration...

since my daughter has given me the cough-from-hell as a lovely Christmas present, I'll take advantage of the fact that Buck was nice enough to tag me with an interesting meme: Work

It’s simple. Just list all the jobs you’ve had in your life, in order. Don’t bust your brain: no durations or details are necessary, and feel free to omit anything that you feel might tend to incriminate you. I’m just curious. And when you’re done, tag another five bloggers you’re curious about.

My list will be in no way as interesting as his (I *grrrr* at him for not providing more details on some of the more....intriguing jobs he's held) but here ya go:

-Petsitter
-Volunteer at the Tempelhof AB Recreation Center (so I could spend time there and play AD&D, even though I was under age!)
-Airshow announcer
-Babysitter
-Garden worker
-Hedgehog rehabilitator
-Musician
-Singer
-Organizer of and entertainer at children's birthday parties
-Chocolate factory worker
-Department store candy stocker
-Miss Sissi Bay (or rather, half of Miss Sissi Bay!)
-College student
-Air Force Basic Trainee
-Apprentice Cryptologic Linguist (Korean)
-Wedding singer
-Wife
-Stay-at-home mom
-Football stadium cleaner
-Library aide
-Commissary vendor-stocker
-Blockbuster CSR
-Receptionist at polyurethane foam factory and sales office
-Ex-wife!
-Clerk at insurance office (eleven eternally long days, before I got fired)
-Certified Nursing Assistant
-Unit clerk on the respiratory unit at rehabilitation hospital
-Medical front and back office assistant at Internal Medicine practice
-Pizza delivery person
-Beer -Beverage cart driver on golf course
-Waitress/bartender at same golf course
-Massage student
-Spa coordinator
-Massage therapist
-College student

That's it, I believe. I won't tag anyone, but feel free to partake, this was FUN!
Thanks, Buck!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Firefighters...

So, Silver and I were tooling eastbound down Flamingo, passing our local Fire Station. I pointed out the engine parked in front of the firehouse to her, and I also made quite the commotion over the fact that two of the firefighters were outside as well, messing around with their equipment...;)
I hit the jackpot when one of the men with his back to us suddenly bent over to pick something up off of the ground.

With my hands punching the air, I hooted and hollered,

"Yes! HE BENT OVER! Firefighters FTW!!!!"

Silver was laughing helplessly, her face in her hands, "Mom, YOU ARE SO BAD!"

Why yes, yes I am.

I never should have taken both hands off the wheel.

Monday, December 22, 2008

I love him, even though I don't know how to pronounce his name...

Read this, then tell me you don't love Vin Suprynowicz and want to have his babies. Go on, I dare ya!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

You haven't truly *LOL*ed...

until you've watched a tiny Italian Greyhound chase a border collie in circles, over and over and over again!

Trust me on this one...:D

Friday, December 19, 2008

Awkward

The following conversation took place between myself and a client today. I had just started the massage, and I always begin with the hands and arms before I work on the back...

Her: Oh, I forgot to tell you...I have a broken finger on that hand.

Me: Which finger is it?

Her: The pinky.

I can see now that the little finger is crooked

Me: When did you break it?!

Her: Two months ago...

Me: Has it been treated?!

Her: Not yet...they tell me it needs to be rebroken now.

Me: How the heck did you break it, anyway?

Her: My husband did it.

Me: ?!?!?!?

EXTREMELY AWKWARD SILENCE

Me: I'm so sorry.

She never elaborated, and I never asked. I really wanted to know more; was it an accident? Did he, God forbid, do it on purpose?

But there are some lines I just don't cross.

UND

You gotta love a university that has a "Females for Firearms" club on campus! I told Silver to join up as soon as she can.

In other news, Silver did not get the library aide position she interviewed for. The letter said they're keeping her on the list for future openings, which really doesn't help her very much right now. She was understandably upset and feeling rejected, but I pointed out that it's certainly possible that they were looking for people to work during the day, while she is in school. So it doesn't mean they weren't impressed by her, or that they thought she sucked (her fear).

Well, the whole process was definitely a valuable learning experience for her, and I'm glad she applied for the job. Next up, she's going to apply for a position at a local GameStop. If there's anything about video games she doesn't know, I can't imagine what it might be.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The end of the world as we know it...

When I moved here in 2001, after the horrid winter I had in Maryland with three elementary-school-aged kids, a big motivator for me was moving to a place where my kids would never miss a day of school because of the weather.

Well, at least I have the day off, too...

I am issuing an invitation to Al Gore...

to come shovel the SNOW off my steps.

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And while he's at it, he might as well shovel the sidewalks clean, too.

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The world is topsy-turvy. It's not Las Vegas, it's Bizarro Vegas.

Global warming, my ass. Oh, wait! They're calling it global climate change now, aren't they? Yup, they gotta cover their collective ass.

Hell, I moved to Vegas to get away from the white stuff. I wonder if Silver will have school tomorrow...




UPDATE: Great, now they're saying this might be the worst snow storm to hit Las Vegas in thirty years. Thank God I have the day off...;)

UPDATE to the UPDATE: Snow and palm trees just don't go together.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Only in Vegas...

would I get a call from a colleague today, asking me to switch shifts with her next Friday so she can play in a poker tournament!

Well, if she wins the big prize ($14,000), maybe she'll throw a few hundreds my way.

(j/k A., if you're reading this!)

No.

No, I will not massage the front of your throat. I know you say you have some scar tissue build-up, but I'm not massaging your windpipe. Nor your Adam's Apple, nor your hyoid, nor any of the other delicate structures there. Sheesh. Now get over it, and enjoy the massage I can do on the REST of your neck.

Why???

Why, for all that's holy, would you book a service called the "Foot Revitalizer", knowing damn well that your feet are excruciatingly ticklish?!

Well, at least you didn't kick me in the face. I'll put that one in the credit column.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Another milestone!

I've done it...I'm in the ONE HUNDREDS! I haven't broken THAT wall in, oh, almost nine years!

I'm just going to keep on trucking. BTW, what's the opposite of a vicious cycle?

I've discovered the most amazing thing, something that apparently lots of people have known about: The more I exercise, the more weight I lose. The more weight I lose, the EASIER it is to exercise. The easier it is to exercise, the more I exercise...!

Gotta love it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Question of the Day

If you plan on driving 45, why bother getting on the freeway? Fucktard.

NOT telling you what you want to hear

It's a common occurrence during a massage. I'm massaging the client, and he or she will pipe up with, "Can you feel the knots? I have a ton of knots in my (insert body part here), my therapist back home told me..." And variations thereof.

I don't play that game, though. Even if it affects my tip (which it HAS, believe me), I won't lie and pander to these people. If I feel a knot, I'll tell you. If I don't, I'll tell you that, too. Even if it crushes your illusions.

Clients

Had a really good day today, tip-wise, but except for a repeat client from last year (the ER doc), I have nothing special to report about the clients.

However...I do have a couple from the past few weeks/months that I've neglected to blog about for whatever reason, and since I'm remarkably uninspired right now, I might as well exploit 'em!

So, the first lady made me laugh; she was quite the grande dame from South Carolina, and once she was turned over onto her back, and I had asked, as always, how she was doing, she replied, "I'm goin' to be totally worthless after this!"

I paused for a moment, then responded, "Yes, because that's my goal: to render all of my clients completely worthless!"

I got a chuckle out of her...WIN!

My other client I want to mention here is a Grandmother from a tiny, one-traffic-light town near Memphis. She is secretly working towards becoming a full-time professional poker player! She told me only one of her children even knows, nobody else. She's worried what the congregation at her church will think...*lol*!

She explained to me that she's always loved playing cards, but it wasn't until a few years ago, when she was introduced to Texas Hold 'Em, that she became hooked. Apparently, she's pretty darn good! Since she's retired, her friends just think she's enjoying traveling, while she is really going from poker tournament to poker tournament.

I thought she really rocked. What a cool Grandma, just wish she could come out of the closet, so to speak.

Well, that's all for now, Folks! Should anything marginally interesting occur, besides my lusting after I guy I saw at the gym, which is pretty boring, I'll let you know! Have a great weekend...:)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Brrrrrrr...

Looks like winter is moving in next week. Highs in the forties. Yes, I said "highs!"
The lows are actually forecast to be in the thirties, so not that much of a temperature fluctuation at all. The worst thing is that there's a chance of rain and SNOW. Which means traffic here in Las Vegas is going to be even crazier than normal.

Oh, well. Gloves and scarves will be worn. All will be well.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My Superhero Pose

Just call me "The Incredible Shrinking Woman!"

This one's for Putz (for the jeans) and Phlegm Fatale (for the hair).

I'm even wearing my cowboy boots in honor of National Finals Rodeo, though you can't see 'em on this pic...blame the photographer!

These are the size 16 jeans I got at Goodwill the other night (for a buck fifty, I think). I just had my hair dyed ("Soft Dark Brown," officially) and trimmed today, and Deborah, the friend who trades massages for hair styling, also straightened it for me for the occasion. She wanted me to be able to appreciate the color and see just how long my hair has been growing. It's so curly/wavy that it's normally just to my shoulders or a little beyond them, so to see it down my back is pretty darn cool. I love the color, too...no more GRAY!!

Photobucket

So I hope everybody is happy now; I showed my ASS on the intarwebz!!

Actually, one finds PLENTY of asses on the internet, don't you agree?

;)

If it walks like a duck...

I massaged a very nice older gentleman this afternoon. He's from San Francisco, originally from England, and he does some kind of financial stuff with the Chinese and Indian markets (don't ask me).

I was working on his left hamstrings and glute, when out of the blue he started talking about the cowboys here for the rodeo.

He said, "Have you ever massaged one of those rodeo guys? I bet their butts are hard as iron, am I right?"

As I regaled him with a story of the one-and-only bullrider I've massaged, I wondered about something.

Maybe you male readers out there can help me.

I think my gaydar is pretty functional, all things considered, but this client didn't cause a single ping. It is pretty gay for a man to talk about other men's butts, right? I mean, things haven't changed THAT much in the last decade, have they?

Okay, ball's in your court. I'm waiting to be enlightened.

Monday, December 08, 2008

I *heart* Goodwill!

My clothes are falling off of me, so I made the decision to get some that actually fit me right now.

Since I'm not a dummy, nor am I wealthy, I headed over to the Goodwill Superstore on Sahara this evening...jackpot!

The visit netted me six tops and four pairs of jeans for a whopping $23.66. Oh, that includes a book I snagged for a quarter!

The clothes are currently in the washer (remember, not a dummy), and the amusing thing is I "shopped ahead". The jeans are in four descending sizes, so I can move on without having to shell out again for a while.

Yup, I'm in size 16 jeans now, they fit me very well! I can pull up the fourteens, but can't button them quite yet. It'll come. I'm not worried.

One thing I've got to say, though. If you buy underwear at the Goodwill store, you must be desperate.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Soapbubble

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I love it when the rodeo is in town.

Let's just say I'm partial to cowboys and leave it at that.

Early this morning as I was walking into work, a fairly large group of properly hatted and shod cowboys exited the door I was heading for. I think there were some women in the group, but they didn't really register with me...

My cowboy radar was working overtime, and I swiveled my head to follow their progress (the back view is usually at least as enticing as the front). Suddenly I became aware of a jingling noise.

Surely that wasn't...? They couldn't actually be wearing...? SPURS?!

*drool*

Then I noticed a maintenance worker walking in the opposite direction with a huge bunch of keys clipped to his belt loop, the true source of the jingling sound.

*sigh*

So much for THAT fantasy.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

"You haven't seen me naked!"

is what I'd really like to say to well-meaning but obtuse folks who insist on saying things like, "You look like a superstar, like one of Charlie's Angels! You don't need to lose another ounce, you look great just like you are now!"

Yeah, and I still weigh over two hundred pounds, you haven't seen me naked, clothes can hide a multitude of sins, so STFU!

Please and thank you.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Seen on the street today...

A Mercedes 420E with the license plate "YZWECAN"...so, how about spreading a little of your wealth MY way, since you're into that stuff, huh?

Meme

This one has been making the rounds, so I thought I'd have a go at it!
The things I've done are in bold, with any comments I might have in italics:

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.several, actually
4. Visited Hawaii.all three of my kids were born there
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.does giving a homeless lady ten bucks I could ill afford count?
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. many, though it really should say "sung"
11. Bungee jumped. hell, no!
12. Visited Paris. been to France, but never made it to Paris, ditto Italy/Rome!
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. actually swam in the ocean during a lightning storm...hey, I was fourteen!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning. Ugh
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.I found it very creepy, I was fourteen (it was right after the swimming in the ocean during a lightning storm thing!)
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked. on Crete, that's public transportation!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a Marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. well, I've been to Budapest and other parts of Hungary, that's where my Dad's paternal ancestors are from, and I lived in Berlin, where my Mom was born...
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock (wall) climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted drawn.
8. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.snorkeling, yes. Scuba is on my list of things to do
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie. but I've been on TV!
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason. well, I've bought MYSELF flowers for no reason, does that count?
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving. it's on my list
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a check. unfortunately, but not intentionally!
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy to give to my daughter
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. lived in D.C. for a year
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London.
77. Broken a bone. several
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. but I have yet to do the mule ride!
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous. Nina Hagen, what a bitch!
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day. I've read many, many books in one day, assuming I have nothing else to do!

Grrrrrr...

Every time I hear "Global Warming", I feel an irresistible urge to punch a hippie.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Sadly...

I have discovered that it's impossible for me to get any schoolwork done when I'm at home. Too many distractions, too many novels in my TBR* stack, puppies clamoring for my attention, not to mention Silver, and it's a recipe for disaster. Add to that my natural tendency toward procrastination and I end up with overdue work.

So I headed straight from work to the college computer lab this evening and knocked out three papers in four hours. I finished my last paper, posted it to the appropriate discussion board, and e-mailed it to my prof minutes before they shut the lab down.

Ahhhh, satisfaction!

So you know where I'll be the next few days! One more (massive) research paper, four on-line quizzes, my Sociology final on Thursday, and I'm done, done, done! I can't WAIT for winter break!




* TBR=To be read

Friday, November 28, 2008

A visit from old friends...

Wow, looky there! Hello, collarbones; haven't seen you in a long time, how are you?

And, hey...xiphoid process, you've been gone too long, it's nice to see you!

Wait...who's hiding down there? RIB CAGE! You've been quite the stranger, thanks for stopping by, why don't you stay a while?

It's always nice when old friends visit...now I just have to convince them to stay.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Oh, I don't THINK so!



We think http://www.lucrativepain.blogspot.com is written by a man (62%).

(h/t Breda)




Hope everyone's having a great Thanksgiving!

mmmmmm....foooooooood....!

I just ate the BEST EVAR fried egg and turkey bacon breakfast.

Ahhhhh. Finally able to eat real food.

And I've had no problems, either. I ate teensy-weensy bites, chewed extremely thoroughly, and ate very slowly. See, I can be a good girl!

I hope your Thanksgiving is a wonderful as mine is turning out to be.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Since she asked so nicely...

here's a picture just for Holly:

A little progress picture of moi...

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Hmmmmm. Silver says I look possessed. Hey, SHE took the picture, so blame her! Or maybe it's the braces?

Anyway, I've lost twenty pounds just since the surgery three weeks ago, and forty six pounds all together since the beginning of summer. That's not bad! Tomorrow, I get to eat real food for the first time since the surgery...I can't wait! Four ounces of solid food is way better than ten ounces of protein shake.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Oh, the horror(s of miscommunication)!

I was getting ready to massage a lady yesterday, and asked the standard questions: health issues, recent injuries or surgeries, etc. Here's what she told me:

Client: Well, I often have running sores.

Me: *gulp* Oooookay?!

Client: But I haven't run in a few days, so I don't have any sores now.

Me (what I was thinking): Oh, running soreness, you're sore from running...*whew*...dodged that bullet...!

Me (what I said): Excellent; so any areas you want me to focus on?




I had just taken a client into my treatment room and had barely laid hands on her when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

This is pretty much unheard of. There has to be some kind of major crisis to interrupt a service, and typical Mom thoughts of broken bones and emergency rooms were racing through my mind as I took the few steps across the room to open the door.

M., our spa attendant, was hovering outside the door. She whispered urgently, her eyes huge, "You know you have a four o'clock, right?!"

(It was 4:03 on my clock)

I hissed back, "I'm working on my client right now!"

Her eyes got even bigger. "Oh, sorry!" And she raced away.

*LOL*!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Thank you, Laurell K. Hamilton!

I was reading LKH's blog, which I follow slavishly, and found a link to this:



Now, I was chatting with Phlegmmy at the time and directed her attention to it...we almost came to fisticuffs about who was going to post it, but then agreed to share!

This is absolutely brilliant, no?

Friday, November 21, 2008

"Epic"

That's how Silver described her job interview, and she assures me that that's good...:)

After the question and answer part, she was required to sort and alphabetize a cart full of mixed media library materials. One side was fiction, the other non-fiction. Once she was finished, the interviewer stated that Silver was done in record time!

She has been doing that stuff every Sunday for three years, for free! It's about time the library started paying her for it...

Well, she'll find out sometime next week if she was hired. I'm trying to think positively, but I remember my most recent job interview, where I thought everything had gone splendidly and they didn't even have the courtesy to send me a rejection letter or give me a call saying, "Thanks, but no thanks." Hmph.

We did experience something very, very cool right after we got home. The ISS with the docked space shuttle zoomed right over Las Vegas! For some reason, probably an article I read a while back, I thought it wouldn't be visible to the naked eye until all the construction was complete. Thankfully my neighbor disabused me of that notion and dragged Silver and me out to the parking lot. It was truly an amazing sight. If I were Brigid or Buck, I'd be able to put my wonder and the fact that I teared up a little into such moving words, you'd get choked up yourselves. But I'll just have to stick to "cool" and "amazing", and let you guys use your imaginations.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Seen outside a church...

a sign reading:

"God prefers fruits of the spirit
over religious nuts."

Gave me a chuckle as I made my way across town.


Also seen today, in a Smith's parking lot:

A license plate holder reading:

"My other car is a broom."

Hmmm. What's the driver trying to say here...? ;)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

TGIF

Because today IS my Friday, just like Saturday is my Monday. It's a Vegas thing.

Today is also a red-letter-day, because it's the very first day since I started working as a massage therapist that every single one of my appointment slots booked!

Yup. I did NINE 50-minute massage sessions today. So now I'm bushed!

Money in the bank, Baby!

Among those I massaged:

-The most beautiful woman I've ever seen in real life, who happens to be a Navy recruiter out of San Diego.

-A woman who looks exactly like Scarlett Johansson. If ScarJo were 75-years-old! Seriously, during the first part of the massage, I kept wondering why the lady looked so familiar. Then it hit me...Scarlett! Only old. Still very beautiful, don't get me wrong, but OLD.
She was a very nice lady from Maryland who had the following exchange with me before we started:
Me: Any areas you'd like me to focus on today?
Her: Well, I'm constipated. Think you can do something about that?
Me: *blink blink* Absolutely! I'll do a gentle, clock-wise abdominal massage and get things moving for you, how does that sound?
Her: Fantastic!
*LOL*

-A Japanese lady (my final client of the day), who, when asked if she'd had massage before, replied: I arrived from Tokyo today.

Okay, then! Moving right along...

All in all a very good day, which makes up for the totally crappy one I had yesterday. My first massage wasn't until 3:00 PM, and it was a $200 massage booked for a high-roller. He loved the massage, or so he said, then proceeded to waltz right out of the spa without leaving me a tip. *sigh* I'll have to get used to that crap one of these days.

Now I have the weekend to look forward to, yay! Lots of homework, which is nothing new, plus Silver has a job interview on Friday, so that should be exciting.

I'll keep you posted, Folks!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Milestone

Had to go out and buy myself some new pants for work yesterday.

Medium sized scrub pants. "Medium", that means "average"...w00t!!!

Since the beginning of summer I've gone from XL to Medium. That ain't bad!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I hate herpes*

Because nothing says, "Welcome to our spa, I know you'll have a simply wonderful time!" like a HUGE FUCKING COLD SORE. Ugh.



*Clarification: I DO NOT have the nasty, Derek Jeter/Jessica Alba crotch variety, kthnx.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Economic Realities of Vegas

Silver told me about a sophomore bandmate of hers who has to leave band. He can't do afternoon rehearsals or evening performances anymore because he needs to find a job. He's fifteen. At least he hasn't dropped out of school. Yet.

Both his parents were laid off within days of one another.

But at least they have a bit of money to tide them over...the fifteen-year-old gave an older pal $100 to bet on a football game and he won $3,000.

Only in Vegas.

In other related news, my shrink told me today of a Harvard study that was released this morning: The suicide rate in Las Vegas is 63% higher than anywhere else in the United States, and that applies to residents, not tourists (I asked him specifically!). I have to get out of this town.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wow!

I suddenly realized I haven't posted anything since Sunday! That truly sucks. You'd think that since I'm off of work, I'd have plenty of time to blog, but actually that just means I have much less to blog about! I read, sleep, do homework, "eat", sleep, watch a movie here or there...that's about it. I had my wound-check appointment at my surgeon's on Monday, everything looks fine. Then Silver and I went across the street to the Las Vegas Springs Preserve, my new absolute favorite place, and spent a few hours there. The funny thing is, I ran into my work colleague S. there, AND into C., husband of A., who works there and who happens to be the gentleman who, along with A., drove me to my surgery on Wednesday! It's a small world. He happened to be chatting with A. on his cell when we ran into each other, so I got to talk to her, too.
That's about the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the past week, if you don't count the fact that I've lost over ten pounds already. But I really don't think I'm going to be blogging about every pound I lose; that's what the ticker in my sidebar is for!
Well, I have class tomorrow, maybe something exciting will happen then...

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Las Vegas Marching Band Invitational

Yesterday I spent most of the day at Las Vegas High School, home of the LVI Marching Band Competition. Silver's band actually made it to the finals, and one of the band parents filmed their finals performance and posted it on youtube. First off let me say that their progress over the past four years has been incredible. The band of my daughter's high school has NEVER received a "superior" rating at LVI before (that's the highest rating you can get, for you non-band-geeks), so the fact that this happened at Silver's final competition is awesome. Unfortunately, though they finished third in their class, they finished last in the finals overall. While watching the youtube footage I heard some squeaks, so maybe the judges came down on them for that, but c'mon, SIX POINTS DIFFERENCE in score from the prelims to the finals?! What bug crawled up the judges' collective ass, anyway?!
I'm breaking one of my own rules and posting the youtube footage here on my blog, even though my daughter's school is identified. I just want to share and show how hard she's worked during this season. Good job, Silver! She plays clarinet, in case you didn't know! Here ya go:

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Musta been the drugs.

I spent most of yesterday sleeping off the drugs they pumped me full of in the hospital. Which is what I suspect is the reason for the dream (nightmare?) I had:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Dying, over and over again. Drowning mostly, but then somehow coming back to life again. Sometimes they were trying to save each other, other times they were trying to kill each other. Seeing as I have absolutely no interest in either of them, I have to wonder what was going on in my subconscious!

In other news, I fulfilled my vow to go into class today and take my sociology exam. Got an A, since she graded it while I waited! In an hour or so I'll be driving to Sam Boyd Stadium for Half-time Show Review, a mandatory marching band competition for all Clark County High School bands. Got to watch my baby perform, right? I wasn't sure yesterday if I'd be up to it, but I took a nice long nap after school, so I should be good to go.

Wish Silver luck! I'll have my fingers and toes crossed while watching her band perform!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I'm home...

and I'm alive. 'Nuff said. Now I must sleep!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Big Day

I'm aware that for probably 99.9% of the country today is the big day, and I agree that the elections are of extreme importance, but for me, tomorrow is the big day: Surgery Day!

I must report to the hospital no later than 6:00 AM, and I should be home no later than noon. Probably sooner. I just pity my poor friend A. and her husband, who agreed to drive me there and back BEFORE we knew what time I had to be there!

They totally rock, by the way.

So I'll keep everyone updated on how things went and on my progress. Two days of clear liquids then three weeks of thick liquids (protein shakes, etc.)

Wish me luck, Guys.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Rich people are cheap...

or they can be...



click to embiggen

I'm simply overwhelmed by this client's generosity.

Now you must excuse me, please.

I have to go see if anyone wants to buy a kidney, slightly used...




EDIT: I wanted to add that this was a pre-tip, too. In case you were thinking, "Well, maybe the services sucked and the client didn't think you guys deserved more!"

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Extremes

I'm weird in what I find attractive in a man in one respect, and that's hair.

I lurve really long hair on guys, or short-short-short, i.e. military buzz-cut or BALD. I don't know why, that's just how I roll.

One of my clients today was a very young man who really reminded me of one of my favorite Sluggy Freelance characters, Riff. If you click on the link, scroll down and you'll see the blond guy with the trenchcoat and sunglasses, and PONY TAIL. Mmmmmmmm.

Needless to say my favorite part of this particular massage was the scalp massage at the end. I got to play with all his lovely hair, squeeeeeee!

*AHEM*

In a totally professional manner, of course.

Marriage

I received an offer of marriage today.

From a client.

A female client.

After the massage, when I asked her how she felt, she said, "That's it! I'm divorcing my husband, leaving my kids and my dog, and moving to Vegas to marry you! Do they have gay marriage in Nevada?"

I replied, "No, unfortunately not."

She shot back with, "That's okay. I'll just move in with you then!"

To which I responded, "As long as you pitch in with the rent!"

*snort*

Usually I just have people wanting to take me home with them, so this was a first.

Friday, October 31, 2008

End of an Era

Tonight was Silver's last high school football game. The last time I'll be forced to watch one of the worst football teams EVAR. For the last four years I've been going to these games like clockwork, all to watch the band. Since it was the last homegame, it was Senior Night, where the senior members of the band and colorguard are recognized. I shouted myself hoarse when Silver's name was announced. I'm so proud I could bust! She's really come a long way since her freshman year!

Here she is with some yahoo throwing around a nerf football in the background (hey, it's not exactly easy to take pictures in a busy venue like a football stadium, okay?!):

Photobucket

I really like this pic, since she has her clarinet, too:

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Here's a picture of us together; It only looks like I'm holding onto her for dear life...honestly, I'm ready for her to leave the nest (and if you believe that...)!

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Here's the line-up of cheerleaders on their weird boxes/podiums. They only use these during the second half of the game for some reason.

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And here's the final picture of us together after the game, before she disappeared into the band room for the last time this season...*sigh*. Next year my life will be totally different, and I have yet to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I just don't know.

Photobucket

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Use me.

As I was driving my daughter to school this morning a song called "Use Me" by Hinder was playing on my favorite radio station. While I don't much care for the lead singer's voice, the song amuses me, as most songs that are blatantly, in-your-face about sex do.

Here's the song:



And here are the lyrics, in case you can't stomach listening to the end (hey, I know some of you don't like this kind of music!):

She wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire.
She says she loves me, but I know she's a liar.
The sex is good, but God she's got no desire.
That's alright. She's takin' me home tonight.

She's kind of cold, but yet she's hot on the outside.
Last night got nasty and I'm still kind of tongue tied.
I hate to say it, but she brings out my sick side.
That's alright. She's takin' me home tonight.

Chorus:

She's got whole lot of love (Any way you want it)
But it's never enough
(Finish what you started)
Take me to heaven above
(And leave me brokenhearted)
But I won't be a fool and fight it.
She's gonna use me but I like it. Yeah, yeah.

I bet she's wonderin' if I'm worth her while.
She's judge and jury and she's got me on trial.
But I ain't sweatin' cause I'm first on her speed dial.
Yeah, that's right, she's takin' me home tonight.

She always leaves and makes me feel kind of sleazy.
It's kind of cool because she already pleased me.
I'm lying here just thinking this is too easy.
Yeah, that's right, she's takin' me home tonight.

Chorus ad nauseam


ANYway...so we're cruisin' along and a thought occurs to me. I turn to Silver and say, "You know, I could totally sing this song! I could change the genders around and it would work. But how come, when a guy sings it, you chuckle and think what a stud he is, having no-strings sex with a hot babe, but if I sang it, I would come across as a total victim, someone with self-esteem issues who needs lots of therapy?"

Silver sighed, "It's just the old double standard."

Such wisdom, Young Grasshopper!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Thank God I didn't have to massage her...

As I was standing in the doorway of my treatment room yesterday, during a lull in services, I noticed a woman in the locker area getting undressed. Normally I look away in these cases (unless the woman's really smokin' hot), but something on her right shoulder caught my eye.

She had a tattoo of a PENIS with TESTICLES on her back. I repeat: a tattoo of a PENIS with TESTICLES.

In pink.

It wasn't life-sized, or at least I hope it wasn't supposed to be life-sized, but it was still a good four inches long, that's including the sack.

Why? That's all I'd like to know.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Two years.

It was two years ago today that I started this little adventure. Blogging provides me with a wonderful ranting/venting outlet, and a place to share the sometimes odd things I find amusing.

Thanks to all of you wonderful readers and bloggers out there. You encourage and inspire me.

I hope I can continue to do my small part in entertaining YOU.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Nostalgia

One of the things I remember best about my physical exam before I joined the Air Force (back in the day), was when they were measuring my lung volume and the nurse asked if I was a swimmer.

"No," I replied. "I'm a singer!"

I've always sung in some capacity, whether for my own enjoyment or in various choirs all over the world. Come over some time and I'll show you my scrap book with all the newspaper clippings! One's even in Croatian, and I have no idea what it says.

The past few years have been so hectic and stressful that singing was simply put aside. I'm always so busy that except for during my drive to and from work, I don't sing at all.

Sparrow over at All Atwitter had an interesting post about her choir and a recent performance, and how she regrets that a favorite piece of hers was dropped.

The piece, "Lux Arumque" by Eric Whitacre, is also one of my favorites, but reading about it brought back memories of years ago, when I was a member of the Las Vegas Master Singers.

Here is one of the works that we performed while I was a member(2002-2003), also an especial favorite of mine.

Cloudburst, also by Eric Whitacre.




I know that the piece is very long, but stick with it until the end, please. It's absolutely beautiful and unusual, and it's a joy to sing.

Someday I'll perform onstage again!

(h/t to Sparrow)

Invasion

I was invaded by the Panty Brigade today. The first four massages I had were ladies of a certain age...and they all kept their undies on. And all of said undies were of the type affectionately known as "Granny Panties." Explain to me how I'm supposed to massage your lower back, which you asked me to focus on, if your underwear goes all the way up to your waist?! Granted, I can roll the waistband down a little, but that (literally) only goes so far. And no, I won't massage your glutes by reaching into or under your panties. You're the one who put that barrier there, and I have to respect it. If you want your 'tocks massaged, take the frickin' underwear off BEFORE YOU GET ON THE TABLE. What, it's okay for me to touch it, but God forbid I actually SEE your ass?! Give me a break.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I laughed until I snorted...

upon seeing the following on a client's health form, under "Medications":

Viagra, as needed.

Did I REALLY need to know that?!

Why?

How did the woman in this case in any way, shape, or form help her boyfriend?

Not to mention that he was an illegal immigrant to France, plus had been convicted of crimes on numerous occasions. And he has a wife and kid back in Armenia.

So now the lady's dead, after suffering horrific, self-inflicted pain. And the dude still faces deportation.

I just don't get some people.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Duhr...

I'd like to preface this little tale by reminding you that I'm really, truly NOT blonde, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.

The steering in my car has been a little shaky at slow speeds lately, and my tires were looking a little tired (cue rim shot, please), so I called my local Discount Tire today and made an appointment to get the tires checked. You know, tire pressure, check the alignment, making sure I hadn't picked up any nails, etc. I bought all four tires there a while back, so any checks and patching are free. :)

I picked Silver up from school and we headed to the Discount Tire, parked, and went inside.

Wow. We both commented on how the whole interior of the store had changed, that they'd moved around a lot of stuff. Basically it wasn't at all how we remembered it from last year.

I got in line and made my way up to the register, where I told the clerk that I was there for my 2:30 appointment to get my tires checked. He looked at me blankly for a moment, then said, "Tires checked? This is Autozone, the Discount Tire place is next door!"

I knew that.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Uh. Mah. Gah.

Had my first kickboxing class last night after work. I probably never would have done it, but my friend and colleague A. was my exercise buddy and she talked me into it.

What a blast! Yes, it was hard, but I'm happy to say all my recent cardio workouts have paid off, and I had no problem keeping up with the class. The only sour note was struck by my stupid feet. About half-way through the class they started hurting (because I basically have no arch [ugly, remember]), so I was in pain for the rest of the class. The instructor told me I didn't have to do all the bouncing next time. So there's a trade-off, less of a workout for less pain. I'll have to think about it!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Downsides to weight-loss

Not only is it a mixed blessing to lose so much weight that brand-spankin' new pants I bought just a few weeks ago are getting baggy already, but now I'm losing my ass.

And that's not good.

I never want to be straight up-and-down in the back, like my Mom and Grandpa ended up!

More squats, Christina. Do more squats...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Seen in the back window of a car...

A sticker reading:

What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?

Hey, it made ME laugh!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Bulletpoints of Goodness...

'cause I got nuthin' else!

- I massaged a lady the other day, talked her into getting our fall special (a Swedish massage plus European facial for $160, a $40 discount). As I was changing the linen in the treatment room, she stuck her head in the door, holding a $100 bill, telling me she'd run up to the desk to break it so she could give me my tip. I was thrilled, thinking I'd have some good tips to take home, but before I could get too excited about it, she returned and handed me two fives. One for me and one for the esthetician who did her facial!

- A large, middle-aged gentleman I massaged told me upfront he wanted me to focus on his neck and shoulders. He was getting a Swedish massage (light-medium pressure), and I had just started on his shoulders when he said, "Not so hard, please." And he repeated it about four times, as I kept lightening the pressure. I've massaged an 11-year-old girl who wanted more pressure than this guy! I think this was one of the most difficult massages I've ever done, trying to find the balance between making sure the client gets some therapeutic benefit out of it, while making sure he's satisfied I'm not using too much pressure. I was sweating before we were done!

- A victory for the Correct Grammar, Please Club: There's a sign on the wall in the locker room of my gym, above the scale, which used to read, "Turn Scale Off When Your Finished".
It drove me absolutely bonkers. Luckily, a month or so ago, they put a suggestion box in the locker room where one could anonymously make comments or suggestions, so naturally I filled out a form begging for a new, corrected sign. And lo and behold, today it was up! Yay, me! Now to work on getting the "October Birthday's" list fixed...

- My daughter has joined the Young Republicans Club at her high school. The club consists of the teacher in charge and about six or seven student members. Out of a student body in the thousands...
The students spent several hours making flyers and posting them all over the campus, only to come to school the next day to find almost all of them torn down. Apparently, it wasn't only students doing the tearing-down, either. The Young Democrats posters were untouched. What ever happened to free speech?! They had a meeting with the Principal, who promised to do something. We'll see, I guess.

Happy Birthday!

It is the truly magnificent and lovely Phlegm Fatale's birthday, so head on over and give her some love!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Oopsie!

Well, I had another foot-in-mouth moment last night. It was my daughter's homecoming game, and of course I had to go since the marching band was also performing (She'd have killed me dead otherwise!)

Our team actually slaughtered the opponents, 62 to 13, the kind of score I'm used to seeing in reverse!

Anyway, I was walking up to the ticket booth and noticed a bunch of stands set up selling merchandise for school spirit. I had no intentions of buying anything, but one sign caught my attention. It advertised, among other things, pom-poms, garters, and "neckless" (!)

I literally busted out laughing and asked the lady manning the table, while pointing at the sign, "Who the heck made that sign?!"

She replied, beaming, "My daughter!"

Oh.

I said, trying to stifle my snickers, "She spelled "necklaces" wrong. I actually have a neck!" (Yes, that was mean, I know.)

The mom came around the table and spelled out, "N-E-C-K-L-E-S-S... Oh, she forgot the "E-S" at the end to make it plural! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Erm. Okay.

The apple obviously did not have far to go in this family.

I forked over two bucks and got some necklaces. It was the least I could do.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Look at me!

Your result for The Classic Dames Test...

Katharine Hepburn

You scored 29% grit, 29% wit, 43% flair, and 17% class!


You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.


h/t to Breda

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

So excited!

Five weeks from today...my surgery! W00t!
Whew, glad I got that off my chest, I've been squeeing inside ever since I woke up this morning.
Hope you all have a good week, it's my Saturday today!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Good Tips=Happy Therapist

I had an interesting day today. My colleague A. called in sick to work, since she managed to bang up her toe and needed to get x-rays (plus, she couldn't get her shoe on!) So the front desk folk had no choice but to move all of her appointments over to me. I didn't get to go to lunch until 3 PM, but I'm not complaining...money in the bank, ya know!
My first client of the day requested a deep tissue massage, paid by credit card and pre-tipped me ten bucks. Which is a "meh" tip, since the service itself costs $125.
And pre-tipping? I don't get that. That would be like going to a restaurant and leaving a tip with the hostess who seats you, instead of waiting until after you've eaten your meal!
But I digress.
My client was a lady from Illinois who is a surveyor for a construction company and is on her feet all day. She used to get massage all the time until recently, when she moved to a new town. She's tried three different therapists but can't find anybody who does deep enough work.
Of course, I took this as a challenge! She left the treatment room extremely satisfied, not just because I gave her a kick-ass massage, but also because I recommended a new author to her! You see, I noticed she was reading "Guilty Pleasures", by Laurell K. Hamilton, so we chatted about fantasy/horror fiction, Vampires, etc. throughout the massage. She'd never heard of Charlaine Harris or her Southern Vampire Mystery series before, so I was ecstatic to be able to infect another reader with the Sookie Stackhouse bug! (Also showing on HBO, thankyouverymuch!)
As I said before, I was extremely busy, so it wasn't until later that I picked up my tips from the front desk. Included was a tip envelope from this client, who had already tipped me ten dollars by credit card...an additional twenty in cash!
What a nice surprise! This has never happened to me before, so I'm relishing the experience.
Thank you, nice lady from Illinois! Hope you enjoy the books...

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Let's play "Twenty Questions!" NOT!!

I massaged a gentleman from Canada today who was very interested in quizzing me. I have no idea why. He first asked, just after the massage had begun, "What's the difference between Swedish and Sports Massage?"
Okay. If you schedule a massage, and don't know what's what, wouldn't you ask at that time, so you know what you're getting?
I answered his question, and not two minutes later, he continued with, "What's the fundamental difference between Thai Massage, Shiatsu, and Swedish Massage?"
I'm not kidding, that's the question he asked, verbatim!
Anyway, I did my best to explain the "fundamental" differences between the three modalities while continuing the massage.
I was just waiting for him to start asking me anatomy or pathology questions, but apparently his curiosity was satisfied.

Bastard didn't tip me, though.
Not really too surprised. I'm not trying to offend any Canadian readers I might have out there, but in my experience Canadians either tip not at all or very poorly. But they're really, really polite!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Crappity-crap! Literally.

More adventures at the dog park this evening. Along with oodles of fun for my dogs, which is a very good thing, I stepped in a pile of dog shit that somebody was too lazy to pick up (and somehow this poo got on my jeans, too). Then a fat, unaltered beagle moseyed up to me and lifted his leg on MY leg. As if I were a tree. I was pissed (off? on?). Oh, well. Just a few more of the typical hazards of the dog park, which also include screaming, running kids. No wonder my dog Tucker is afraid of and dislikes kids! I'm actually getting used to the lack of lights at this park. There is a lit sidewalk that runs around the perimeter and gives just enough light to see your dog, and it's nice because the parents tend to take the kiddies away once it gets too dark.
What I find so amusing is that I know a bunch of people who go to this park regularly, but I only know their dogs' names. Just like they know my dogs are Harley and Tucker, but probably don't remember my name! Dog people can be weird.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Your help would be greatly appreciated...

Not just a kick-ass photographer, who'd probably be able to make even me look good, Oleg Volk is also a champion of our Second Amendment rights. Now he's facing a court battle to take back what's rightfully his. Go, read, and see if you can help. Please. Because he can express himself in ways I only dream about.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Look away, oh easily offended ones...

Seen on a bumper sticker near a Catholic church:

Let's put the "Christ" back in "Christmas"!

Only problem there, Spanky, is that it was a pagan holiday to begin with!

Moron.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

It's not just my dirty mind!

Remember "Stripburger?" Well this morning I realized the naughtiness was not all in my head. Remember how the slogan I saw said, "You can't beat our meat?" I saw another ad on a taxi on my way to work today, and it said, "Size does matter!" So now I know they are deliberately being risque. I approve!

Wake-up call

My "boyfriend" Julio called me again this morning, waking me up four minutes before my alarm was supposed to ring.

I think if this happens again, I should probably listen until the end of the recording instead of hanging up in a knee-jerk reaction.

It's just creepy, that's all.

Anyway, I want my four minutes of sleep, dangit!




In other news, I massaged a young man from Ireland today. Rowr. I confess to a weakness...I'm a sucker for accents. Doesn't matter what kind, but if I'm not careful, I melt into a puddle, right there in front of you!




And yesterday, I massaged a lady who made me want to move to Texas even more than I already do. A 76-year-old from Houston, she and her husband of 54 years worked the family ranch for 46 years until their doctors convinced them to move to the city where better medical care was available. As she put it (which made me giggle), "I thought we'd grow old together and die on the ranch. But we didn't die!"
What a classy lady, I hope I see her again soon.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Pet Peeve # 7,369,852.039

Wimpy handshakes. Especially those wimpy WOMAN handshakes, where the woman in question sorta does the limp-wrist flop, as if I'm supposed to bow over her hand and kiss it or something.
It's probably my German upbringing, but I can't stand a bad handshake.

Maybe I should start a class? Proper Handshakes 101. Or write a book..."Shaking Hands for Dummies."

Works for me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Potty Mouth

Now, I've never claimed to be a lady, and I've certainly dropped the F-bomb on this blog quite a few times, but it's a little unnerving to hear your 17-year-old daughter cussing up a storm on the phone. So from now on, we've made a pact to cut out all cussing completely. That includes shit, damn, fuck, and variations thereof. "Fuck" is allowed if it's in the lyrics of a song we're singing along with. And all cussing is specifically and most definitely forbidden when A) Playing video games (Silver!) and B) Driving (ME!)

That is all, carry on.

Friday, September 19, 2008

hahahahahahahahahaha!

I was reading some Austrian news and came across the most delicious word:

Arschgeweih

Which in English means, literally, "ass-antlers"


I LOVE IT!!

Apparently it's used to refer to what is affectionately known in the U.S. as a "tramp stamp."

When I saw the headline, I initially thought they were talking about the thong "whale-tail," which would have also been brilliant, but this is even better.

They were discussing how the rate of laser tattoo removal had doubled in the last five years, the process of which I think is easily avoidable by not getting tattoos when you're young, drunk, and/or stupid.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Seen on a bumper sticker in the college campus parking lot...

"This Country Needs a Douche - its Bush Stinks"

So, you're saying Barack Obama is a douche bag? Good call!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Feet

I was just looking at my feet, which I had pampered earlier with a pedicure, and I realized anew just how ugly they are. BIG and ugly. If there was one thing about me I could change (feasibly, since I'm already changing other stuff), I'd have new feet.
What, if anything, would YOU change about yourselves? Physical stuff or other?
I'm curious...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

FYI

If you can't handle a 'Vette, DON'T DRIVE ONE!!

Thank you.

Thanks, but NO THANKS!

Just five minutes ago, I was busy making myself some dinner when the phone rang. Thinking it's Silver, needing a ride, I picked up the phone...

Instead of, "Hi, Mom! We got out of practice early, can you pick me up, please," I heard the following:

(woman's recorded voice) Hello! You have a collect call from...

(man's voice) Julio!

(woman's recorded voice) ...an inmate at Nevada State...

That's where I hung up the phone, quickly!

I may be single, Julio, but I ain't that desperate...yet!

Monday, September 15, 2008

I can just picture her face!

My daughter, Silver, sent me the following cartoon as we were chatting yesterday. Yes, we live in the same apartment and still chat on-line. We're weird like that. She's been obsessed with a video game character called Auron from the Final Fantasy series, and tried googling to find like-minded folks. She got some *ahem* unexpected search results! The character in the cartoon is her alter-ego, Silver the Evil Chao.



click to embiggen

I *lol*ed quite a bit! My poor, innocent daughter, being exposed to the evil, evil internet.




UPDATE:
If you use Internet Explorer instead of Firefox (why?!), click on the cartoon twice to magnify it, then you'll be able to read the text better!

Potpourri of Miscellaneous Redundancies...

I don't like to tan. That's mainly because I take after my Northern European mother and am pale as a ghost. I CAN tan, but only after suffering horrific burns, not a desirable process, believe me! Plus, my older brother already had a skirmish with basal cell carcinoma, while in his twenties. As much as I admire and adulate my brother, I really don't want to emulate him in this area!
That said, I'm pretty much of the opinion that whatever floats your boat, go for it! If you want to resemble well-worn saddle leather, have at it.
However, the other day while at Wal*Mart, in the Health and Beauty section, of all places *snerk*, I saw a woman who was tanned so darkly I literally did a double-take and stood staring at her for a moment, with my jaw dangling somewhere around the level of my clavicles. Thankfully, Alligator Sal was perusing the products on the shelves, so I was able to pull myself together before someone called the nice men in the white coats to take me away.

Who thinks this is attractive? I fully believe this woman must be one of those addicted-to-tanning people. That's the only explanation I'll accept!




*SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT - SPOILER ALERT*

I'm so pissed off right now, I have to vent. I just wasted DAYS of my life on one of the worst fantasy series I've ever read. What pisses me off even more is that I LOVE David Eddings. I devoured the Belgariad and Malloreon as a kid, and was thrilled when my daughter fell in love with them recently as well. The Elenium and Tamuli are equally adored in this house. So imagine my dismay and disappointment to find such dreck actually published. The only fact that keeps me from finding a sharp, pointy stick and poking my eye out is that I checked the books out from the library and thus didn't pay a dime for this, this...printed matter unworthy to line a litter box with!
*whew*
But the WORST part of it, the part that by far pisses me off the most, is the ending. How can you have an ending that renders the events of the entire series null and void? "Oh, let's go back in time and do this, then NONE of the bad stuff we just went through will ever happen!"
Mother FUCKERS!!!!
What a cop-out. I've truly never been so disappointed in a book ending in my life. I think I'd have been happier if everyone had just died at the end, seriously.
Okay, vent over.




I've mentioned before that I'm scheduled for bariatric surgery in November. I haven't gone into details regarding the whole process, but let me just say that my insurance company makes all candidates jump through a plethora of hoops before they authorize the surgery. The entire program is 18 months long! Six months pre-surgery, and a year post-op. I have no problem with this, anything that will help me be successful is appreciated.
Something very amusing happened today, however. I was walking through the employee dining room with my salad, headed for my table, when I saw a lady I know from support group coming towards me, I shouted a, "Hi! How are ya!" and was getting ready to ask her if I was going to see her next week at our group, when I became aware of the horrified expression on her face. Then I noticed the bowl of ice cream she was (unsuccessfully) trying to shield from my view with her other hand.

BUSTED!

I'm not a snitch, so she has nothing to worry about. I also noticed the two empty drink glasses at her table, also a no-no (no drinking 30 minutes prior, during, or 30 minutes after meals.)

Hey, I cheat on occasion as well, but at least I'm smart enough to do it at home, where I won't get caught!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Music Meme

Shamelessly stolen from Buck.

The rules:

A) Go to Music Outfitters.
B) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline or italicize your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don’t remember or don’t care about.

1. Faith, George Michael
2. Need You Tonight, INXS
3. Got My Mind Set On You, George Harrison
4. Never Gonna Give You Up, Rick Astley
5. Sweet Child O' Mine, Guns N' Roses
6. So Emotional, Whitney Houston
7. Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Belinda Carlisle
8. Could've Been, Tiffany
9. Hands To Heaven, Breathe
10. Roll With It, Steve Winwood
11. One More Try, George Michael
12. Wishing Well, Terence Trent d'Arby
13. Anything For You, Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine
14. The Flame, Cheap Trick
15. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car, Billy Ocean
16. Seasons Change, Expose
17. Is This Love, Whitesnake
18. Wild, Wild West, Escape Club
19. Pour Some Sugar On Me, Def Leppard
20. I'll Always Love You, Taylor Dayne
21. Man In The Mirror, Michael Jackson
22. Shake Your Love, Debbie Gibson
23. Simply Irresistible, Robert Palmer
24. Hold On To The Nights, Richard Marx
25. Hungry Eyes, Eric Carnen
26. Shattered Dreams, Johnny Hates Jazz
27. Father Figure, George Michael
28. Naught Girls (Need Love Too), Samantha Fox
29. A Groovy Kind Of Love, Phil Collins
30. Love Bites, Def Leppard
31. Endless Summer Nights, Richard Marx
32. Foolish Beat, Debbie Gibson
33. Where Do Broken Hearts Go, Whitney Houston
34. Angel, Aerosmith
35. Hazy Shade Of Winter, Bangles
36. The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson
37. Don't Worry, Be Happy, Bobby McFerrin
38. Make Me Lose Control, Eric Carnen
39. Red Red Wine, UB40
40. She's Like The Wind, Patric Swayze
41. Bad Medicine, Bon Jovi
42. Kokomo, Beach Boys
43. I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That, Elton John
44. Together Forever, Rick Astley
45. Monkey, George Michael
46. Devil Inside, INXS
47. Should've Known Better, Richard Marx
48. I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love, Chicago
49. The Loco-Motion, Kylie Minogue
50. What Have I Done To Deserve This?, Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield
51. Make It Real, Jets
52. What's On Your Mind, Information Society
53. Tell It To My Heart, Taylor Dayne
54. Out Of The Blue, Debbie Gibson
55. Don't You Want Me, Jody Watley
56. Desire, U2
57. I Get Weak, Belinda Carlisle
58. Sign Your Name, Terence Trent d'Arby
59. I Want To Be Your Man, Roger
60. Girlfriend, Pebbles
61. Dirty Diana, Michael Jackson
62. 1-2-3, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
63. Mercedes Boy, Pebbles
64. Perfect World, Huey Lewis and the News
65. New Sensation, INXS
66. Catch Me (I'm Falling), Pretty Poison
67. If It Isn't Love, New Edition
68. Rocket 2 U, Jets
69. One Good Woman, Peter Cetera
70. Don't Be Cruel, Cheap Trick
71. Candle In The Wind, Elton John
72. Everything Your Heart Desires, Daryl Hall and John Oates
73. Say You Will , Foreigner
74. I Want Her, Keith Sweat
75. Pink Cadillac, Natalie Cole
76. Fast Car, Tracy Chapman
77. Electric Blue, Icehouse
78. The Valley Road, Bruce Hornsby and The Range
79. Don't Be Cruel, Bobby Brown
80. Always On My Mind, Pet Shop Boys
81. Piano In The Dark, Brenda Russell Featuring Joe Esposito
82. When It's Love, Van Halen
83. Don't Shed A Tear, Paul Carrack
84. We'll Be Together, Sting
85. I Hate Myself For Loving You, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
86. I Don't Want To Live Without You, Foreigner
87. Nite And Day, Al B. Sure
88. Don't You Know What The Night Can Do, Steve Winwood
89. One Moment In Time, Whitney Houston
90. Can't Stay Away From You, Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
91. Kissing A Fool, George Michael
92. Cherry Bomb, John Cougar Mellancamp
93. I Still Believe, Brenda K. Starr
94. I Found Someone, Cher
95. Never Tear Us Apart, INXS
96. Valerie, Steve Windwood
97. Just Like Paradise, David Lee Roth
98. Nothin' But A Good Time, Poison
99. Wait, White Lion
100. Prove Your Love, Taylor Dayne

Wow. I was right, some of the songs I'm unfamiliar with, simply because I was living in Germany at the time. Most of the songs on here I'm either meh about, or I didn't like them. Just to clarify...in 1988 Rick Astley was HOTT!! That influences my liking of his songs. And "Pour Some Sugar on Me?" Best. Dancing. Song. EVAR!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I must have a dirty, dirty mind.

There's a restaurant (I don't know whether it's new or not) that I've seen advertised all over town recently, mainly on taxi cabs. I don't know if I'm just especially tired tonight, or whether the planets were aligned just right, but my brain took a left turn when I saw yet another ad for this place on my drive home from work tonight.

The restaurant in question is called "Stripburger", and their slogan?

"You can't beat our meat."

Somehow, despite the picture on the ad, "hamburger" was NOT what sprang into my mind when I read the slogan.

I'm a perv, so sue me.

Monday, September 08, 2008

The winner, by default...

because neither of my competitors attempted the tie-breaker!

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And here are my two beauties:

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

No Dice

If you folks recall, I interviewed for a part-time job two weeks ago. I thought the interview itself went brilliantly. The manager and I had a rapport, and I can bullshit my way (in a sincere fashion!) through just about anything. The audition didn't go as well, I guess. I'm philosophical about it, I have to be. Not everyone is going to like my massage; it's unfortunate in this case that it really, really mattered whether my "client" liked it.
What pisses me off is that they haven't had the courtesy to give me a call or send an e-mail to let me know they're not interested. I find that very rude and unprofessional. I called the day after my interview, just to tell them thanks for giving me the opportunity, etc. No response. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I'm at the point now that if they called me tomorrow and offered me the job, I'd tell them to fuck off.
It's probably for the best. In October we're running a VIP promotion for the entire month, and I'll probably be working plenty of extra shifts anyway, and my surgery is on November 5, so I'll be taking some time off. Yeah, gotta look for that silver lining, right?

*sigh*

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Here it is!

My "gold" medal! They also took a picture of me wearing it and pointing to my score on the board. The picture (and those of all other gold-medal-winning participants) will be displayed at the gym until next year!

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Just one more thing....

The following e-mail was waiting for me in my in-box when I got home tonight:




Congratulations Christina,



Now that you have successfully completed your NET exam, the next step is to get your prior educational documentation together. I will need copies of the originals to place in your folder which appears with you before the nursing admission committee. Please contact me at your earliest so we can begin the process. Look forward to working with you.



Sincerely,



Michael D. Arnold, MBA-TM, BSIT-NTC





SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Health -O-lympics!

My ginormous corporate employer runs a health-and-wellness center for its employees, which includes a gym with eager personal trainers. I've been part of a weight-loss program sponsored by my insurance company for the past few months, and this includes weekly sessions with my trainer. (Actually, it's a pre-bariatric-surgery program. I'm scheduled for a lap-band procedure on November 5th.) One of the things the wellness center does is incentive programs to get the people motivated to exercise. August's program, inspired by the Olympics obviously, was the "Health-O-lympics!"

It included the following events:

-Standing long jump
-Bench press half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Squats with half your weight(as many as you could do)
-Partial Curl-ups (sorta like sit-ups, only you don't raise yourself up all the way)
(as many as you could do in a minute)
-Sit-and-reach

I hemmed and hawed for a few days, then just signed up and did it...

I won gold in the partial curl-ups! I did 69 in one minute! I crushed the competition, I think my closest competitor got 58.

I'm tied in the bench press for silver, and tomorrow will be the tie-breaker.
I bench-pressed 115 pounds five times (yes, I weigh more than 230 pounds, 231 to be exact, as of this morning. I'm a big girl, for now...)

Here are my results for all events:

-Standing long jump [I did 58", pathetic, I know]
-Bench press half your weight [5]
-Squats with half your weight [35] (My quads were sooooo sore after this, for days!)
-Partial Curl-ups [69]
-Sit-and-reach [22"]

So wish me luck tomorrow, I'm gonna have to really bring it, and do more than five this time.

Broke a record

I massaged the tallest person I've ever massaged today, breaking my record by two inches. This gentleman from England was 6'8" tall. I had to bend my neck waaaay back to maintain eye contact, and I'm not that short (5'5").
Poor guy, when he was turned over on his back, both his feet were dangling off the end of the massage table. And when the massage was over, he had to pull his feet in so I could open the door!
I've always wanted to be tall, but DAMN! I can only imagine the difficulties faced by someone that huge. I think I'll just be satisfied with my 5'5"...not like I have any other choice!

Monday, September 01, 2008

Wow, he pin-pointed me PRECISELY!



(click to blow up picture...no pun intended!)

How accurate of him!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Tropic Thunder

Go see it, seriously.

I almost wet myself.

Friday, August 29, 2008

I'm on my way...

I'm officially made of win! Not only have I, as of today, lost 21.5 pounds (can't forget the ".5"), I also took my required RN-program pre-entrance exam and ACED it! Woo-hoo! I should be hearing from the admissions department in a few days. Assuming they liked the essay I was also required to write! Then I'll have an interview with some of the faculty, then I'm IN. I want to start next August, though, because I really don't want to be working two jobs and going to school full-time during my daughter's last year of high school (and incidentally, her last year living here at home with me, *sniff*). Not to mention, once she's off to school, I can just rent a room in someone's house and really cut my expenses to the bone. Plus, I'm taking classes at the college here already, which are my general education requirements, and which are much cheaper to take at the college than at the private nursing school.

All in all, a very satisfactory day.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pardon me while I brag...

Okay, for those of you who get tired of my bragging on my daughter, Silver, it's time for you to go look at some lolcats, or something.

There, now that all the haters are gone, I can gloat copiously.

My daughter Silver, who had her first day as a senior in high school today, has the following classes this year:

AP English Literature and Composition
US Government Honors
AP Japanese IV
Physics Honors
Algebra II and Trigonometry Honors
Zoology Honors
Advanced Band
(one period as Teacher's Aide, her schedule doesn't really permit any other class, she tried!)

She was recommended for AP Chemistry, but the scheduling of the AP classes precluded her taking it (it conflicted with her Japanese class.)

Okay, done bragging now.

This is also her last Marching Band season, at least the last one I'll be able to watch. She fully intends on being in her college marching band as well.

I'm so happy! Now I just have to worry about PAYING for college...for both her and myself!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

My idea of fun...

is NOT spending an entire ten-hour-shift doing massage while the underwire from my bra is stabbing me in the armpits. Especially when both discreet and not-so-discreet adjustments fail to improve the situation. Oh, well. Back to sportsbra tomorrow.

Also not fun (this actually falls more in the category of pet peeve): Clients who've received a whopping discount (say, 50%), and then calculate their tip based on the discounted service price. Cheap!

Friday, August 22, 2008

It's been a loooong time coming...

Forgive me for the lateness of this post, Grosser Bruder!

So, four weeks ago my incredibly kind and generous brother and sister-in-law flew Silver and me out to their home in North Carolina. They live in Graham, a lovely place, but they wanted to make the trip really special, so the morning after we arrived, we packed up again and headed to the beach! Wrightsville Beach, just outside of Wilmington, to be precise.

We stayed at the Silver Gull Motel, directly on the beach, and had a fabulous time.

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You see that you can access the beach from the motel? So nice! I haven't gone barefoot or wandered around in public dressed only in a bathing suit since I was probably nine years old...but that wonderful feeling of freedom snuck up on me pretty quickly!

The motel is located right next to Johnny Mercer's Pier, a concrete fishing pier (with restaurant and shops), underneath which makes a perfect place to set up your "homestead" in the shade for a day at the beach, especially if you're as pale as we all are.

Here's a pic of the pier, taken from my brother and SIL's motel room balcony:

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This little man is my older nephew, we'll call him Handsome Jack.

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I think he's a mini-me version of my brother! He's almost five, and smart as a whip!
And energy! I wish I could borrow some from him...:)

Here is my beautiful sister-in-law with my younger, twenty two-month-old nephew, whom we'll call Curious George (not because he's a monkey in any way, but only because he IS very curious and loves to wander off by himself to explore, if he can get away with it...he's an escape artist!)

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Here's a shot of the ocean and beach, looking northeast from underneath the pier.

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And here's one looking southeast.

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Absolutely fantastic, let me tell you! It was almost impossible to get Silver out of the water. She loves the ocean and swimming. The most remarkable thing about this trip was how I rediscovered my OWN love of the beach and especially the ocean. I lived in Florida for four years when I was little. We lived in Satellite Beach, while my Army Dad was stationed at Patrick AFB. The beach was almost undeveloped then (late 1974-early 1979), and we spent almost every weekend there. I was uninhibited and fearless.

I think having my own kids kind of killed that in me, not to mention self-consciousness about my body. It's hard to enjoy yourself when you have to chase after small children the whole time, and when you're worrying too much about what other people might be thinking about how you look in your bathing suit.

This trip really changed that all. I didn't give a crap what people thought and strutted all around in my bathing suit. Silver and I could go in the water together, and we swam out quite a far distance, almost to the end of the pier. The waves were great, and I'd float on my back and let them take me. It was like a giant roller coaster ride! With salt water. I wasn't afraid of sharks, and except for one encounter Silver had with a jellyfish, which stung her arm a little, the only critters we saw were tiny fish and a lone crab.

On our last morning, before we headed back to the airport, we had lunch at the top of the pier and headed out onto the pier itself for some more photos. It was very windy, and lots of stuff was blowing around, including everyone's hair!

Here's a wonderful picture of my SIL with Handsome Jack and Curious George:

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And finally one of Silver:

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This trip really changed me, in a very positive way, and it was incredible to finally spend some time with the only family members I have (besides my kids) whom I truly love and respect. Talking with my brother also gave me lots of food for thought about my future. He truly is an inspiration to me!

So thank you, Grosser Bruder!


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Can you see the resemblance?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Well, I did it!

My final grades are in for my English 101 class:

8 assignments/papers

8 "A"s!

I'm so happy I could squeeeeeee!

In a few days my Nevada history class (online) starts, and on Thursday I have my classroom Sociology 101 class. My Psychology 101 class starts end of October.

We'll see if I can keep it up.

Junk Mail FAIL

Found this one in my mailbox today. I'm heading over to Failblog to create my own entry with it. Too sad! Doesn't anyone use a proofreader anymore?

funny pictures
more fail




Update: Changed the image to my "FAIL" one.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Overheard in a car...

Me: "You know, there's no age where you suddenly realize, 'Wow! I'm all grown up!' I mean, look at me, I'm almost forty and I don't really feel any different than I did ten or fifteen years ago, I'm just muddling through every day trying to survive."

Silver: "Wow. Forty is waving at you, Mom!"

Me: "Yeah? Well I give forty the finger."

Silver: "Forty is sad..."

*sigh*

One of the very, very few occasions I wish I had cable. With HBO. September 7th is a red-letter day on my calendar, I hope this show is popular and goes on for years and years.



I LOVE the Sookie Stackhouse mysteries by Charlaine Harris. I've been a big fan of hers forever, and to see her creations come to life on TV...excellent!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Spa Tales

I massaged a lady today with the worst. tattoo. ever.

It sorta trailed from her hip to her waist, involved a few blossoms and petals thereof, which weren't rendered too horribly, plus two...um...turtles?

I believe they were supposed to be sea-turtles, but they looked like two green pine cones. Horrible! I couldn't stop staring at them, and luckily the lady was still face down and didn't notice.

I also massaged a lady who had bizarre toes (yes, I'm aware I have foot issues, you don't have to point it out!)

Her big toes were exactly the same length as her pinkie toes! I'm not kidding, I've never seen anything like it. The other three toes were all longer than the big toe.

Like I said, strange.

In other news, I've been having mock job interviews in my head the past few days, in order to mentally prepare myself for Friday. Just going through various scenarios, good and bad. I know I'm a good therapist, but that's no guarantee I'll be hired!

Got another great comment card today! I'm hoping they'll add up to twelve quickly, because if I do get twelve in six months (?, pretty sure), and that includes comments left on the hotel comment cards as well, I'll get a whopping bonus, $1500 I believe! Because it indicates I'm an "outstanding performer". Works for me!

Hope you all had a great weekend! Mine has been busy, busy, busy...thankfully! Money in the bank, and all that.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Finished!

Well, I finally submitted my last essay a few minutes ago...*whew*. So far, I've gotten "A"s on every assignment in this class (English 101). It was an online class, which I believe I've mentioned before, and I really like the instructor. She replied promptly to e-mails, and addressed student concerns on the class message board.
I've learned a lot from this class, especially how easy and horrible it is for me to procrastinate. I suck. But I've resolved to do much better in the future. In a few weeks the new semester starts, and I'm taking three classes this time: Sociology 101, Psychology 101, and Nevada History (all General Education requirements.) I think they'll be interesting, and I'm looking forward to the experience. I'm taking Soc in the classroom (enrolled too late to do online!), but the other two I AM taking online. We'll see how that goes, especially as I'm also interviewing for a part-time job next Friday. I'm going to try to keep my Wednesdays as my day off, and Thursday mornings (for the sociology class), and try to not be totally exhausted. Of course, this is assuming I'll get the job!
Well, that's my mini update, sorry about the lack of posting recently! I will still get to Silver's and my weekend at the beach (with photos! OMG!), but I don't know exactly when...:)

Two random things: Today is my big brother's birthday! Happy 44th, Grosser Bruder!!

And seen on my way to drop Silver off at band camp (NO AMERICAN PIE JOKES, PLEASE...WE'VE HEARD THEM ALL!!): An SUV with the vanity plate reading: BSBLBYS, which Silver quickly translated to "Baseball Boys"...what a clever chicky!
Have a great weekend, my (hopefully) faithful readers!