Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Get out your compass...

The following conversation occurred over the phone between myself and "Bulbman", the proprietor of a shop of the same name. Since it's sorta on my way to work, I volunteered to pick up a special UV bulb we need for a sanitizer in one of the aesthetics rooms.

(After finding out the opening hours, etc.)

Me: So, are you located on the East or West side of Cameron?

Bulbman: Well, neither, 'cause Cameron runs North to South.


Me: I'm aware of that, but are you on the East or West SIDE OF THE STREET?

Bulbman: Well, that depends on which direction you're coming from.

Me: !!!

Me: Actually, East is East and West is West! I just want to know which side of the street you're on, say I'm coming from the South and going North on Cameron.

Bulbman: In that case, we're on the East side of Cameron.

Me: Thank you! *You fucking MORON!*

Don't worry, my manners held...that last bit in ** was what I was thinking.


If you go here and scroll down, you'll see a picture of my dogs (and my legs and feet, whoop-de-doo) right before the costume contest at the walk-a-thon!

My pups are celebrities, whoo-hoo!


I so proud...got a little tear in my eye!

Too much fun...

On Saturday, my last client of the day was a gentleman who had booked a "stress relief" massage (think no evil!), a twenty-five minute massage of the shoulders, neck, and back. He looked like a mild-mannered "guy next door", reminiscent of Charles Grodin, late thirties, I'd say.

After I had retrieved him from the men's spa and escorted him to cross-gender room 7, he told me not to be surprised if he fell asleep on the table. I laughed and said it happened all the time.

I had gotten into my zone, massaging his neck, when out of the blue he says, "You're very good!" I think I jumped a little, he startled me so badly.

As I was massaging his back, I noticed some marks. It was (naturally) very dark in the room, so I had to lower my face thisclose to his back to get a good look......hmmmmm.

I think Mr. E. had way too much fun Friday night, because those were perfect fingernail welts all across his lower back, as if the lady had gotten a good grip around his waist and then let loose!

I sorta matched my fingers to the marks and traced them a half-inch above his skin, just to make sure of my suspicions....spot-on!

I have to say, I was kinda envious.

And he did fall asleep, too!

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Happy! Happy! Happy...

Blogiversary to MEEEEEEE!

One year ago today, I said, "To hell with it!", and started my own blog, despite school, work, attempts at surrogacy, etc.

When I started, I only had a few readers...

I STILL only have a few readers, but I infinitely prefer quality to quantity.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I want to take this moment to thank that unnamed but not forgotten person who posted in summer of '06 at Baen's Bar about Tam's and Mauser*Girl's blogs, without whom I never would have gotten into this craziness!

Honestly, I didn't even know what a blog was, and had to look it up.

How did I spend my limited copious amounts of free time before I discovered the joys of blogging?

No clue.

Thanks, you guys!

Monday, October 22, 2007


Why do I keep dreaming about elephants?

Last night I dreamed I was massaging a baby elephant.

I remember I was doing effleurage
and petrissage strokes, and the baby elephant's hide, contrary to reality, I'm sure, felt like the softest suede.

Even in my dream-state I realized something was wrong, namely that I was undoubtedly about to be squished into paste by a herd of pissed-off elephants, but I didn't stop!

Oh, well...I guess you just have to enjoy things while they last!

Will the hysteria never end?

Some parents need to get a grip. And some school districts need new officials AND new policies.

Case in point:

2nd-Grader Suspended for Drawing of Gun

Oct 20, 4:41 PM (ET)

DENNIS TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) - A second-grader's drawing of a stick figure shooting a gun earned him a one-day school suspension.

Kyle Walker, 7, was suspended last week for violating Dennis Township Primary School's zero-tolerance policy on guns, the boy's mother, Shirley McDevitt, told The Press of Atlantic City.

Kyle gave the picture to another child on the school bus, and that child's parents complained about it to school officials, McDevitt said. Her son told her the drawing was of a water gun, she said.

A photocopy of the picture provided by McDevitt showed two stick figures with one pointing a crude-looking gun at the other, the newspaper said. What appeared to be the word "me" was written above the shooter, with another name scribbled above the other figure.

School officials declined to comment Friday. A message left at the superintendent's office Saturday was not returned.

Kyle drew other pictures, including a skateboarder, King Tut, a ghost, a tree and a Cyclops, the newspaper reported.

I just found out last week that here in the Clark County School District, their "zero tolerance for violence" policy calls for anyone involved in a fight to be suspended, even if students are defending themselves.

Even if a 6'4'' football player were to be whaling on my 5'2'' daughter, if she merely tried to block a blow, or tried to push him away, she'd be suspended, too.

And it wouldn't matter whether a teacher witnessed the whole thing and wrote down in his/her report exactly what happened, either.

Good-bye, scholarships. Good-bye National Honor Society.

Fuck you, Clark County School District!

I told Silver to avoid conflict as much as possible, of course, but to defend herself to the best of her ability if necessary.

I refuse to tell my daughter she should cower and let herself be beaten to a pulp without lifting a finger in self defense.

It just sickens me.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Doggie Walk-A-Thon

This morning, a very cold and windy one, Silver, the pups, and I took part in the Heaven Can Wait Sanctuary's 7th Annual "Lose a Pound With Your Hound" Doggie Walk-a-thon.

Except for Harley being totally ROBBED in the Halloween costume contest, a fun time was had by all, and $40.00 worth of pledges were collected and donated by moi!

Not a huge amount, I know, but my co-workers donated what they could afford, and that's all that matters. (I wasn't about to go door-to-door, thankyouverymuch.)

Here's a semi-decent shot of Tucker and Harley, in costume. Harley, the pirate/buccaneer (which sounds better? You decide!)even walked around with a sword, and there's a compass attached to his collar!

Tucker, the bumble bee, didn't wear his antennae during the walk, but donned them for the contest.

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It was amazing to see so many dogs in one place, of so many shapes and sizes! So well behaved, too. The only time I've seen more pooches is at Pet-a-palooza this past March.

The volunteers had water and both people and doggie snacks available along the route, it was all around a very well organized event.

Except for the costume contest judge's blindness, of course...*muttering*didn't even make Harley one of the finalists, total bullshit*/muttering*

Here's a better view, sorry about the leash, though:

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What's really cool is that we discovered a whole new dog park! This park, named, I kid you not, "The Barkin' Basin", is a huge improvement over the dog park we usually go to. It's not as close by, but I'd rather travel an extra ten minutes or so and reap the benefits of this wonderful, 7.5 ACRE park!

It's dedicated to military and police working dogs and their trainers all over the world who gave their lives...see the dedication monument:

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We took Harley and Tucker to this awesome park after the event, and they had energy enough to indulge in a few good chases.

They are so pooped out now, it's funny. Here is the result of a really, really good day:

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Yes, I did (sorta) make the bed this morning, but they like to arrange the sheets just so before snoozing!

Ten seconds later...

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Maybe I'll join them...

Have a great week!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Dangers of the Dog Park...

Always stay alert at the dog park.

You never know when a vicious pit bull puppy might sneak up on you and inflict heinous damage.

Like this:

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Guess I'm not going to be wearing THOSE jeans tomorrow!

Tucker and Harley had fun, mercifully Capt. Kirk from yesterday was conspicuously absent.

It was almost impossible to get a good photo of my pups at the park, because they were practically never still.

But I tried, and you get to reap the rewards.

See how I treat you!

Here they are, sniffing something interesting;

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Have a great Friday, People!

Looks to be a very slow day tomorrow at the spa, maybe they'll cut me loose early...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Prison Movie

Just got back from the dog park, where we spent the last half-hour watching our two puppies fend off a Yorkshire terrier with obvious homosexual rape fantasies.

If it wasn't trying to fellate our dogs, it was humping them, regardless of which body part it was mounting.

Capt. Kirk, as my daughter christened it (for its promiscuity) followed us all over the dog park, wherever we tried to flee.

On one hand I was really annoyed and irritated, because my dogs were just trying to play and have fun, and I wanted them to get worn out so they wouldn't be hyper at home, and Capt. Kirk was putting a major crimp in our plans.

On the other hand, I felt sorry for this dog who obviously had not been well socialized as a puppy, because it apparently had no clue at all how to play with other dogs.

The owners, instead of trying to correct its behavior, or redirect it somehow, spent the entire time alternately watching and taking pictures with their camera phone.

I'm so far from being a dog expert, it's not funny, but I know this sort of behavior went beyond the typical dominance/hierarchy activities dogs perform.

The saddest part of all this was at the very end of our visit to the park, when our pups started playing with a feisty Pomeranian, and Capt. Kirk just kept trying to chase Harley and Tucker down and mount them, while they were ignoring him completely to focus on their new playmate.

Hopefully Capt. Kirk will not be there tomorrow!

Maybe I should pack a water gun...

And advise my dogs not to drop the soap.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Nice Mom...?

Here's Silver with her new (purple) hair.

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Our fabulous hairstylist, Mitchi, of Limelight Salon, did her usual incredible job.

There was a teenaged boy getting his hair cut at the next station, and when his mother saw the purple dye being applied to Silver's hair, she exclaimed to me, "You're such a nice mom to allow her to color her hair like that!"

While I was scrambling for a reply, since this came out of the blue, she said with her very next breath, "I would never let my kids do that!"

While I was telling her my stance on all this, namely that it's just hair, people, and everyone needs to relax, what I was really thinking was, if I'm the nice mom for doing this, and she'd never...doesn't that make her the "bitch-mom"?!

Just sayin'...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Favorite song at the moment.

This song amuses me endlessly. Love the guitar, find the lyrics juvenile and too funny!

Sorry about the poor quality, but every other version I found was censored.


BTW, what's up with Kid Rock? The man has NO ASS. VERY unattractive to me.

Notice how she's not "so hot", but rather "so hott"! Is that extra "rowr"-factor, or what?!

The perfect cup of coffee...

for someone who HATES coffee with a passion, but needs the caffeine boost in the morning and can't drink carbonated beverages.

Take one of these, add half of a packet of this, then eight of these, add hot coffee to fill up the minuscule remaining space in the cup, stir well, and voila!

Drinkable coffee.

Meanwhile, back at the spa...

I'm so glad I wasn't working the front desk yesterday!

This is secondhand, so bear with me.

Abdul, a young man who works as a coordinator (i.e. receptionist) at the front desk, described a phone call he took from a man who seemed bewildered and very disappointed that we offer no sex at our spa. He kept repeating, "No sex, no sex at all?"

Finally Abdul told him, politely, to go take a flying leap.

Shortly after that he had two gentleman walk in who wanted a line-up of the female massage therapists, to see what we had to offer.

Sorry, guys, this isn't Sheri's Ranch!

He, again politely, told them off.

I would have referred them to the concierge, it's their job to satisfy the guests'...desires.

Something amusing did occur when I was manning the desk on Thursday.

A couple had just finished their side-by-side massages (at $100 apiece) and were checking out.

It's the front desk people's job to ask the guests if they'd like to leave a gratuity, as it would be tip-hustling for the therapists or aesthetitians to ask themselves.

The couple had left their checks open for just this reason, so they could add gratuities at the end of the service and then close out the credit card check.

The husband looks over at his wife, to see the amount she's writing in...$5.00!

Then he beams at me while writing the same amount on his ticket, saying, "She always leaves the maximum tip. She's so generous!"

And he was serious!

It was hard to keep from laughing, and I was guiltily relieved that they weren't MY clients.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

College Fair

Silver and I spent an hour at the Las Vegas College Fair this evening. I really don't know why we bothered, since she already knows where she wants to go to college...University of North Dakota at Grand Forks!
We did meet an admissions advisor for UND, so it wasn't a total waste of gas to head over there.

He was very nice and answered several questions.

We walked around when we were finished, and I noticed a lack of certain recruiters.

Army - check

Nevada National Guard - check

USMC - well, the booth was there but it was empty!



I wonder why?

Had a set of twenty-something identical twins come into the spa today, just getting day passes. Here's the kicker...one was chubby while the other was slim.

You DON'T want to be known as the "fat twin"!

I have twin daughters who are almost 14, and they look quite different from each other right now, since they are progressing through puberty at different rates.

They've always detested being mistaken for one another,
not wearing the same outfit once they were able to make their preferences known, often sporting different hairstyles, etc.

But I don't think they'd take it that far!

I was leaving work the other day and got stuck in the parking garage behind a minivan with California plates.

They flagged down the bicycle-security guard, and after a brief conversation, he took off and they followed.

After they had made it to the exit, I rolled my window down and asked the security dude to confirm my suspicion...

Yup, I was right.

They had asked him to lead them to the exit of the parking garage!

They also told him they'd been driving around the garage for half-an-hour looking for the exit.

Granted, the layout of the garage is somewhat confusing, and it IS claustrophobia-inducing, but COME ON!!

Keep heading down, and then follow all the frickin' signs that say "EXIT".


On Monday I headed to a medical spa for some skin treatments (I'm holding on to at least the appearance of semi-youth with tooth and nail!).

Among the display of business cards of related providers, I found this gem:

Intimate Makeover...Because Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

-Reconstructive Pelvic Surgery
-Labial Reduction
-Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation

Okay, you've had an accident or some kind of illness, and you need reconstructive surgery, fine.

But why the fuck would you want a doctor to cut up your labia...because you think they're too big?!

As all men (and women!) know, SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!

Right? Right?

And I don't even want to know what "Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation" is. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just to write it.

Because, even though this is my blog, I don't want to be utterly and completely narcissistic, I've decided against writing an entire post about what the man of my dreams should be like. I'll just pepper qualities I'm looking for throughout my posts, and you'll never know when...

Here's number one on my wish list...He has to love me.
Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, too many women seem to LOVE being in love with someone who doesn't love them back. I've been there and it sucks. So no more!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


Friday night was the night of the Homecoming Game at my daughter Silver's high school.
It was also part of the festivities for the reunion of the Class of '97.

They should have picked a different game to go to, 'cause the home team got SPANKED.

Not that I'm averse to spanking under certain other circumstances, but this was just wrong!

We played one of the local parochial schools, and I don't know if it's the nuns swatting them with rulers, or what, but those kids kicked major ass.

They beat us 54 to 6.

Last year, thankfully not at Homecoming, they whupped us 76 to 12, so I say it's an improvement, since the gap is closing. My daughter calls "bullshit".

Here are some pictures of the band in their brand-new uniforms, unveiled for the first time at this game, just to cleanse your palate of the taste of defeat.

Silver playing some tunes:

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They eschewed the plumes that normally adorn their hats, since it was extremely windy and they didn't want to lose them.

Here's Silver on a break, followed by some random band geeks (band geeks of the world, unite!):

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You all have a great week (tomorrow is MY Monday, so I reserve the right to say that today!)

Monday, October 08, 2007

And yet more...

random blogthings...

You Are Not Destined to Rule the World

You are destined for something else...
Like inventing a new type of cupcake.
You just don't have the stomach for brutality.
But watch out - because many people do!

I guess Phlegm Fatale and I are not twins after all...or if we are, I'M the good twin and she's the EVIL one!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Another bit of 'net flotsam...

How smart are you?
Am-I-Dumb.com - Intelligence Test

But still fun!

I got every question right, but maybe took too long.

Saturday, October 06, 2007


I did it! I tied with AD...

NameThatDisease.com - Test your disease knowledge

...in a completely meaningless blogosphere test.

Oh, well.

Quick Spa Tales

Just a quickie...

Massaged a lady last week, a massage newbie, who had the most enormous breasts I've ever seen. Seriously, they were EACH the size of a large watermelon, only not as firm.

She was getting a shoulders, back, and neck massage, so needed to be face down on the table, with her face in the face rest.

Her face ended up hovering about a foot above the face rest.

I serendipitously found a breast bolster* on the shelf under the table, but that still wasn't enough, so I had to find her a pillow to rest her head on.

She was finally comfortable, and the rest of the session ran pretty smoothly, except for her having to turn her head from side to side so that I could massage her neck.

She's the lady from a previous post who tipped me twenty smackers for a sixty dollar service. Nice!

I received a wonderful compliment from a client last week. He was a young man attending UNLV, majoring in PR or advertising or some such.

His plan is to become a sports agent for the NBA.

We started talking about how Las Vegas needs a real professional sports team, and were commenting on the need for a new stadium, Sam Boyd Stadium being waaaaay out in the boonies.

I mentioned that it always takes forever for me to get there when my daughter has a high school marching band competition, and he lifted his entire torso off the table (he was face down) and blurted, "YOU have a daughter in high school?!"

Me: Uh, yeah...?

Him: No way! I though you were late twenties, thirty at the most!

Me: Well, it IS dark in here...

Him (laughing): No, no, even when you picked me up at the men's spa I thought that.

Me: Well, thank you very much, don't worry about leaving me a tip!

(He didn't, either! Man, I was only joking, sheesh!)

I wasn't wearing any make-up, either.

Maybe he needs glasses.

*breast bolster: imaging a boogie board made of squishy foam, tapering in thickness from one end to the other, and the thinner side has two big half-circles cut out, like a shark took a bite out of both sides. The boobs are supposed to go there. I guess.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


Seen at the Kessler and Sons Music Store yesterday:

"Shoplifters will be cheerfully beaten to a bloody pulp"

I find this sign endlessly amusing.

ALSO amusing was the sight of two cowboys wandering the ancient parking garage at my work, holding up their remote entry doohickey, trying to locate their vehicle.

Too bad they couldn't just whistle for it, like for a horse!

Heigh-ho, Silver! Away!